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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if there is someone in your life who makes you feel totally inadequate?

93 replies

Mustangwally · 17/12/2018 20:39

My sil (dh's sister) is the same age as me and we have daughters the same age (six). I feel totally inadequate around sil. She's a size 8 and always looks stunning, earns well, always has nice clothes, whereas I'm a size 16 and totally frumpy with no money to get anything because my hours have been reduced dramatically. She has gazillions of equally glamorous friends and there is always photos of them all on Facebook having nights out while mil babysits. I have a small friendship group of mums that I'm still getting to know but I do have social anxiety and tend to find socialising quite daunting although I am a kind person and try to be friendly.

Sil's daughter, my niece, is super confident, a high achiever at school and goes to a stage school type thing as well as gymnastics and horse riding. Family gatherings are totally centred around her nauseating 'performances' and she is always the centre of attention. She is very bossy but everyone (especially mil) thinks she's delightful. I feel sorry for dd who is always ignored because of her cousin but blame myself because she's inherited my shyness.

I just feel totally inadequate all the time because I compare myself to sil and know I can never be as good as her. Although she's not a kind person at all, life seems to have dealt her all the winning cards. Has anyone else ever felt inadequate around someone and how do you overcome it?

OP posts:
Weathermonger · 17/12/2018 22:26

Your SIL isn't making you feel inadequate - you are, and unjustly so. You have a lovely kind daughter who is on the shy side but not everyone enjoys being the centre of attention. You're a size 16 but many (happy confident) people are bigger sizes than that. You have a small group of friends, but anyone can have lots of glamorous acquaintances masquerading as Facebook friends. I feel sorry for your niece, she will have to learn the hard way that the world doesn't actually revolve around her. I'd take kind over a high achiever any day. Lots of women would envy your life, enjoy what you have and don't let your SIL change that.

Mustangwally · 17/12/2018 22:31

Thanks Mushlett I didn't mean to be unkind about dn but I almost wish some of these posters could be a fly on the wall and see what I mean, it is all very over the top and dd really does spend a vast amount of time at these gatherings being told to clap for her cousin! I suppose I just want to avoid dd feeling inferior as I do and I'm trying to establish the best way to do that.

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 17/12/2018 22:33

Yes, a mum at school. She has more money, a nicer house, is a better mum, can bake anything, loves her husband the most, climbs mountains for fun and if you split her in two you'd see the word 'overachiever'

I don't know any of this for fact but she is happy to tell us 🙄 and she once told me that her DH had to get the snip because they'd already had 3 kids in quick succession that if he hadn't got the snip they'd have a billion babies on the account of they can't help shagging so much Hmm

Oblomov18 · 17/12/2018 22:33

I never said you weren't genuine.
And I never said you were nasty. Not inherently. I never said you were a nasty Person.
But your comments about your sil and niece aren't Nice are they?

("Nauseating". Brilliant at everything children probably are a bit too much, admittedly.
People would've sympathised more if you had started your thread saying you found your mil's favouritism hard to accept, but that wasn't what you said)

What is she found this thread?

Accusing someone of having made Nasty comments is not the same as accusing someone of actually being a nasty person.
I didn't do the latter.

Oblomov18 · 17/12/2018 22:48

Plus. The 2 people who quoted me took what I said out of context. That was only sentence, of my entire post.

I wrote quite a few detailed posts.

I also said that loads of people I know are totally lovely, stunning and brilliant. With amazing jobs and loads going for them.

And I know tonnes of people who are none of those things. Some are obese, some aren't that successful or bright, some have shitty jobs.

And I don't care. I'm quite I judgemental about if you are fabulous or mediocre. I just know if I like you and you're my friend.

And I'm nothing special. Short, completely plain looking. No career. I only work part time. Nothing about me is special.

But I still find it hard to understand anxiety and low self esteem, or to see those as a valid excuse for unpleasant comments about sil's and mil's.

But then yes admittedly I don't know what having such a thing is like. My mil was totally lovely and my Bil's and sil's (huge family) are equally lovely.

Wearywithteens · 17/12/2018 22:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Habadabadoo · 17/12/2018 23:12

@Wearywithteens we all knew what you meant by ‘nauseating’ (if you didn’t then that’s probably your child).
That is so funny!
Yes OP many people have/are feeling like this (despite what many of the posters on here would have you believe!).
Unfollow her on Facebook and avoid some of the family gatherings!
Work on your own confidence and when mil talks about an just reply with something about your dd!

Postino · 18/12/2018 07:37

OP I bet there are really good books on building up your dc's self esteem. Just taking children seriously and praising them is a great start, I'm sure you're doing fine. The fact that you're even thinking about it is a good sign!

Mustangwally · 18/12/2018 08:14

Wearywithteens it was worth getting all the flack to get your post! You're spot on and I will absolutely take your advice on board. Thank you!

OP posts:
festivedogbone · 18/12/2018 08:45

Is there anyone here who used to struggle with low self esteem, jealousy etc who now feels happy in themselves and if so how did you manage it? I have had a lot of therapy and MH input and I'm not really mentally "unwell" anymore, I function day to day, but still feel crap about myself. Maybe therapy is the only way but it hasn't worked so far.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 18/12/2018 09:12

From the title of your post I assumed you were gonna talk about someone who bullies or puts you down. That would be someone trying to make you feel inadequate.

This lady isn’t doing a thing to ‘make’ you feel inadequate. She can’t. It’s all on you. Your low self esteem will be present whether or not it’s focused on comparing yourself to this woman. If it wasn’t here it’d be someone else. Your feelings are your responsibility, not hers!

I can give you the link to some good free self help for low self esteem if you want.

Postino · 18/12/2018 09:26

festivedog I read somewhere (probably on here) "before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem first check you're not surrounded by assholes*

Is there anyone in your life who's still treating you badly?

festivedogbone · 18/12/2018 09:57

Postino I'm not self-diagnosing, I had psychiatric treatment for 10 years. I used to have severe MH issues which are a lot better, but I still don't have self confidence or self worth. But tbh my sense of what is "normal" emotionally is probably way off as these issues started in my teens so I've never been an adult without MH issues or a history of them. I don't think anyone is treating me badly just now.

Jog22 · 18/12/2018 10:32

I am still trying to stop comparing myself unfavourably with others achievements. Here's Jordan Peterson's advice which I rather like because he's a realist not the usual wincingly positive self-help guru (yes he's pretty terrible when it comes to women but I think you can like someone even if you don't agree with everything they say)

Robin2008 · 18/12/2018 10:40

Yes. I had a friend at university and I don't know exactly how she did it, but she always made me feel inadequate. Her life was fabulous, so was her boyfriend, her family and somehow she made me feel awful every time I hung out with her. My life was fine too, and I had other friends with fabulous lives ... but who did NOT make me feel awful. At the time her parents went through a divorce and her father started seeing a new woman somewhere in Eastern Europe. It was a mess, but even that she managed to present as something to be jealous of. So at some point I came to the conclusion it was her, not me, who made me feel this way, because I did not feel it with anyone else. I let the friendship slowly die and to this day, I do not regret it. I just want to say to you: you are not imagining it. But since you can't let the relationship with a sister in law slowly die ... I would try to simply see a little bit less of her if at all possible. Hang out with her daughter (who can't help the situation) but if possible not as much with her. Good luck, I understand it's not easy.

Bluetrews25 · 18/12/2018 14:07

Perfect example of nauseating performance:
Out in a medium sized restaurant many years ago with all the ILs for a family celebration. Restaurant was full, sunday lunchtime.
Our older nephew started to sing (loudly, reasonable voice) a song from a musical. Cringe cringe, if we wanted to hear this we would go to the theatre. Whole restaurant applauded dutifully at the end. 'He's in the musical at the XXX in town' booms FIL to the waiter. 'Oh, really?' says waiter, patting nephew 1 on the back. 'Oh, no not him, his younger brother!' corrects FIL. 'WTF?' thinks everyone. Hmm
We all think our own DCs are brilliant (and of course they are!) but that does not mean that we should inflict demonstrate their talents uninvited, frequently, to all and sundry. That is the nauseating part.
I hear you, OP.

corythatwas · 18/12/2018 18:34

"I suppose I just want to avoid dd feeling inferior as I do and I'm trying to establish the best way to do that."

And this is why you shouldn't just listen to the posters who tell you you are so right OP and that this is totally nauseating.

Because some of us have experience of exactly this situation and have made an effort to do something more constructive and have seen something grow out of it that was positive for both parts.

Basically, what you need to do is to help your dd to ignore her aunt and build a friendship with her cousin instead. They are the ones that are going to be around after the two of you are dead and they don't have to be affected by what goes on in the previous generation.

Let your dd know that "yes, of course auntie X is a bit annoying with always boasting about your cousin, but it doesn't really matter, it's just a silly thing that some adults do, you still like [whatever there is to like about the daughter], don't you, and you can still be friends".

Refuse to enter into a competition of talented children, just smile and look pretend-confident.

Never be less than kind to the daughter, though. Remember how little she is, imagine if it was your MIL doing this with your dd instead- would you want other adults to blame your dd? Make her feel loved by you, but for herself rather than for her amazing talents.

Build up your dd's confidence in other, quieter ways, let her know that you like the person she is, that you are proud of her, that the kind of competitive stuff she sees in her aunt is not relevant.

If you can carry this off, the day will come when it's not your daughter envying her cousin, it's the cousin envying your daughter for having such a sensible mum.

Shoxfordian · 18/12/2018 18:40

Eleanor Roosevelt — 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.'

Stop consenting op

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