To ask if there is someone in your life who makes you feel totally inadequate?

[Mustangwally]

My sil (dh's sister) is the same age as me and we have daughters the same age (six). I feel totally inadequate around sil. She's a size 8 and always looks stunning, earns well, always has nice clothes, whereas I'm a size 16 and totally frumpy with no money to get anything because my hours have been reduced dramatically. She has gazillions of equally glamorous friends and there is always photos of them all on Facebook having nights out while mil babysits. I have a small friendship group of mums that I'm still getting to know but I do have social anxiety and tend to find socialising quite daunting although I am a kind person and try to be friendly.

Sil's daughter, my niece, is super confident, a high achiever at school and goes to a stage school type thing as well as gymnastics and horse riding. Family gatherings are totally centred around her nauseating 'performances' and she is always the centre of attention. She is very bossy but everyone (especially mil) thinks she's delightful. I feel sorry for dd who is always ignored because of her cousin but blame myself because she's inherited my shyness.

I just feel totally inadequate all the time because I compare myself to sil and know I can never be as good as her. Although she's not a kind person at all, life seems to have dealt her all the winning cards. Has anyone else ever felt inadequate around someone and how do you overcome it?

I assume sil is mil daughter? In which case she will favour dil & probably identify closer with her daughter - don't take it personally please. So your size 16 - & sil is a glamourous (skinny?) 8 - your comparative sizes are not set in stone - she may gain weight -you could loose it - she may not be compassionate but competitive - you can be the better kinder person who continues to help her daughter learn those compassionate attributes/values. Stop comparing yourself to her - be yourself a good loving mother & partner & if you choose you can learn new skills to do work that will make you happy - & that doesn't mean successful in money terms.

Thread from your SIL :
Everyone expects so much from me. I have a stressful management job, am always expected to dress immaculately and have to hit the gym three nights a week although I hate it. My friends are forever partying and I feel obliged to go along with them, when in fact I'd rather just slump in front of the TV. I've always been an overachiever but it's really hard work and I'm suffering from imposter syndrome. Why can't I be more like my SIL? She lives simply and no-one has the same expectations of her. Why can't I just be happy with my lot? Why do I have to be perfect all the time?
AIBU?

I do feel for you. It must be really hard work at family gatherings.
This is MIL led, from what you've said she shows no interest in your DD. You need to step outside yourself and evaluate if this is really, absolutely, totally true or if you are being over sensitive, I suspect she is doing this but have you considered that 1) she may not even realise this or 2) she might be singing your DD's praises to SIL. Mind did this and I only found out when SIL mentioned something to me. It was an eye opener and we both looked out for each other a bit more as a result.
What does your OH think about all of this? Does he notice it too. Is it bad enough for him to say something to MIL?
Easier said than done, but you have to stop comparing yourself to SIL, blot out about how fabulous she is or appears to be on the surface and remember her daughter is just a little girl like yours and of course if she's done something good, she will want to show people. You mentioned about kindness, sometimes its about being kind even when you may feel people don't automatically deserve it.
Your SIL may sense your resentment and may not feel at ease with you as a result. It may be difficult and a bit awkward at first but why not throw all that aside and arrange a cinema trip for the two girls with her and perhaps a pizza with them. Tell her you'd like to be better friends. She may surprise you. And you may find them much better company away from MIL's interference.
NEVER let your daughter hear about this issue. She may be happily bowling along without a care and that is the best place for her to be while you work on improving the situation.
If you are feeling undervalued, I really sympathise. But I think it would help you to find some things that you can do just for yourself and be kind to yourself.

You are probably telling yourself worse things than you imagine other people are thinking. Size 16 is a perfectly acceptable size. It's not size 8 ut its still well within the range of everyday high street shops. Don't wait for a dramatic weight loss to change your life. I have found from experience it doesn't work like that. Start thinking of positive things you can do for yourself and your lovely little girl right now, some things to make YOU happy at whatever weight you are right now. .When you are feeling happier, you could consider saying something in a polite friendly way to your MIL yourself. Don't let her attitude ruin your family time.

If you dread family gatherings it may help you to "bombproof" them in advance. You know when they are coming up.. and you can prepare. Decide in advance how YOU want them to unfold. how long you want to be there, prepare things you can talk about. You could even instigate that the gathering takes place in a park with cafe - harder to feel bad on neutral ground in the open air than having conversations in someone's house. Wishing you and your lovely DD all the best with this.

Op, people simply agreeing with you is enabling you and doin you no favours,

The only person who can make you feel inadequate is you. You are envious of her and her daughter, but this is not her fault. It's not your mother in laws fault either, the issue lies with your own low self esteem.

Envy just eats us up. You have a lot of good qualities, a family that loves you, friends, a daughter who sounds super, try to think of the positives and stop comparing yourself to other women and being bitter and resentful. It's only going to hurt you and those you love.

People are very rarely size 8 naturally. They excise or very carefully watch what they eat. I used to be a a size 10...I could be a size 10 again but I find loosing weight very hard but that's my fault and my business.

Don't feel envious of your sil work on your wight and your self esteem.

If your in laws ignore the your dd that's hideous. If you they don't make her feel like they take an interest severely limit contact.

Why don't you consider sending your dd with her cousin to gymnastics and stage school? It might do her the world of good and they can do little performances together.

Thank you duckbilled that is amazing advice. Really appreciate you taking the time to write that and it's given me a much more balanced perspective.

I think there’s two issues here:

First, your MIL is playing favourites, which is never nice. However this should make you annoyed with her, not with SIL or DN! It is not their fault. DH should possibly have a word with his mum if it continues.

Second, nobody else can make you feel inferior just by being themselves - it’s your own insecurities that cause that feeling. If you want to be slimmer or get a higher paying job then there are steps you can take to make these happen. Or you could just work on being happy with yourself as you are.

To me it sounds like SIL and DN are either really good fun and you and DD could gain a lot from a close relationship with them (rather than feeling jealous and bitter towards them), or they are quite self-involved and boring, in which case the answer is to take a step back and spend a bit less time with them. Focus on DD’s and your good points and spend time with people who love you for those

You need to work on your self esteem - nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission and all that.

*You sound nasty and riddled with anxiety.
I've always had good self esteem. Both my boys do. I and they have fabulous friends. *

I have to say OP sounds like a normal, nice person who has some insecurities made worse by her immediate family. You on the other hand sound like a deeply unpleasant person. What on earth made you write out such a nasty, unhelpful reply to someone who came online probably looking for a handhold and some empathy?

I can't believe you're not embarrassed to expose your lack of self-reflection and empathy so publicaly.

It's not her, it's you
I always feel the same, but then I realise these aren't bad people, I'm just insecure and negative.

I realised I'm the shallow one and no one cares if you're size 8 or size 16 because if you love yourself it shows, and other people like you easier.

I would second the other posters who have said nice things. Lots of people on AIBU have their own massive insecurities and like putting people down.

If they had such brilliant self esteem - they would try to be helpful not stay online all the hours of the day writing nasty comments in a huge pack.

Most normal people feel insecure and compare themselves to others at various points in their life. It's obviously compounded when your have family who play favourites. Ignore the posters that claim they wouldn't be bothered - they 100% would. There have been many threads complaining about this kind of behaviour and the OP has always got supportive responses - the pack just happened to have descended on you this time so you won't get much empathy or kindness.

A lot of people seem to lack basic understanding of how mental health works - telling you not to feel insecure, that you're nasty for feeling insecure is clearly stupid in the extreme. I would definitely avoid Mil, and avoid Facebook and also try to do the opposite of what these people are saying. Accept that yes you're insecure and sometimes you'll feel jealous of other people. It's just a feeling and doesn't make you a bad person.

For what it's worth I'd much much rather be a size 16, insecure but kind person than someone completely lacking in empathy.

You sound nasty and riddled with anxiety.
I've always had good self esteem. Both my boys do. I and they have fabulous friends.

I cringed so hard reading that. You may have good self esteem but you lack tact, empathy and the ability to judge how terribly you come across!

Ok Fred!!
Thinly veiled nastiness of op, behind the excuse of anxiety, equally got on my nerves Aswell.

Sorry if my post wasn't very empathetic. I knew it wasn't.

The vipers are out OP! They're all super nice people whose lives are just fabulous, they are immune to every undesirable human emotion and despite their amazing lives have plenty of time to sit online pointing out everyone else's flaws (but only on threads where everyone else has decided to kick the boot in never ever on their own).

I can empathise. But comparison really is the thief of joy.

I've stressed over friends' writing, reading, unicycling-at-18-months-children and their £1m+ houses in south London. But it really doesn't mean anything. I've had skinny friends who claim I'm sexier than them, I have rich friends who barely see their children. I have friends outwardly living a lovely life who have abusive husbands. FB isn't real. The richest people can be poor in many other ways, health problems can happen at any time, to anyone.

You have to look at your own lot and work out the best way for you to have your best life.

Sorry if my post wasn't very empathetic. I knew it wasn't.

Then don't bother posting it - you seriously come off so badly. OP may have low self esteem but why does that make you want to kick her when she's down?

Hopefully your DD doesn't inherit your victim mentality. Your SIL's success doesn't take anything away from you. Use your jealousy as a tool to motivate you to make changes about things you have negatively mentioned here. What can you do to get more hours at work? Do you want to lose weight? (It sounds as though you do.) are here any affordable or free after school clubs your DD can do to improve her confidence?

Don't be jealous of a six year old.

Actually, you are right. I need to stop posting on AIBU's about anxiety.
I find it easy to suggest support, counselling and gp referrals to try and help.
I find it hard to sympathise when people say nasty things but use anxiety and an excuse for the nastiness.

Because even with anxiety, op need to be told that nastiness is not ok or excusable.

And I have lots of faults and my life isn't that fab. I never claimed it was.

But Its not ok to condone or excuse thinly veiled stabs st someone's own sil.

Op chose to post in AIBU.

If she'd come for genuine help with anxiety, MN has fabulous MH support threads. Where she would have been totally helped and supported.

But this thread wasn't started in that mindset.

I find precocious children nauseating, I can’t stand kids dominating a social gathering with “performances” I find it incredibly cringe worthy and I would never want my kids to aspire to this. I don’t understand why anyone encourages this, I want confident children not ones who have to be the centre of everybody’s attention. Why is the OP wrong to dislike this trait in her niece?

I'm the same as OP, full of negativity everywhere I go. I remember when I realised people don't dislike me because I'm fat, they dislike me because I'm not a nice person. I remember looking at people as overweight as I was and wondering how they looked so beautiful and how I look horrible in everything and realised it's down to the way I think, you think bad, you look bad, vice versa. I always look tired and grey even when I'm made up yet happy people look alive and bouncy and starry eyed.

My SIL (DH's sister) makes me feel inadequate all the time. She is supper confident and outgoing, I am very shy, no confidence or self esteem and suffer with anxiety, her 3 DC are all wonderful, never do any wrong, supper clever and she is this amazing mum. My 2 DC are both clever and outgoing, but I feel they get very over looked, because they aren't perfect little angels. They aren't naughty, but they are both loud, stubborn and know what they want and aren't afraid to throw a tantrum if told no. She is so much more easy going than I am too and everytime she is around I feel totally judged, a useless mum and like I am failing my DC. It gets both me and my DH down because even he feels like her and her DC are the favourites. So I feel your pain OP. I haven't found a way to deal with it really, I smile and play nice when she is around and try not to follow her on Facebook too much. I also try to remember that a lot of it is my anxiety and low self esteem.

Oblomov it's not easy to open up to a forum, even anonymously, and be totally honest about having negative and irrational feelings about people in your life. I know jealousy is not something to be proud of, which is why I have sought advice. If I didn't have self esteem issues I wouldn't care about sil being perfect or mil playing favourites. I don't think you have the authority to decide how "genuine" someone is. If you have decided I'm just a nasty person them I suspect that says more about you than me.