To ask if there is someone in your life who makes you feel totally inadequate?

[Mustangwally]

My sil (dh's sister) is the same age as me and we have daughters the same age (six). I feel totally inadequate around sil. She's a size 8 and always looks stunning, earns well, always has nice clothes, whereas I'm a size 16 and totally frumpy with no money to get anything because my hours have been reduced dramatically. She has gazillions of equally glamorous friends and there is always photos of them all on Facebook having nights out while mil babysits. I have a small friendship group of mums that I'm still getting to know but I do have social anxiety and tend to find socialising quite daunting although I am a kind person and try to be friendly.

Sil's daughter, my niece, is super confident, a high achiever at school and goes to a stage school type thing as well as gymnastics and horse riding. Family gatherings are totally centred around her nauseating 'performances' and she is always the centre of attention. She is very bossy but everyone (especially mil) thinks she's delightful. I feel sorry for dd who is always ignored because of her cousin but blame myself because she's inherited my shyness.

I just feel totally inadequate all the time because I compare myself to sil and know I can never be as good as her. Although she's not a kind person at all, life seems to have dealt her all the winning cards. Has anyone else ever felt inadequate around someone and how do you overcome it?

Don’t use Facebook. Ever.
Find things that you and your own DD enjoy.
Stop being nasty about 6 year olds.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

You don't sound too pleasant yourself with thinly veiled jibes about MIL babysitting being nasty about a confident 6yo.

Get on with you own life, you have a daughter, dh, a job, presumably somewhere to live, you're doing lot better than a lot of people.

Your daughter is not you. Don’t think she is.
Get some counselling.
Start saying no to family gatherings if you don’t like them, or organise smaller ones you can handle.
Have your niece to visit your daughter or take them out together. They might get on really well without the family audience and expectations.

Can you stop going to these family gatherings? Pretend you and your daughter have a prior engagement?

I didn't mean to sound nasty about my niece. I love her of course, I think just constantly hearing how wonderful she is and feeling bad for my own daughter has just made me irrationally resent her. She's only a child and children naturally want attention.

It’s not or your DD’s fault if your ILs give her cousin more attention. Remember that.

Yes, my bil’s wife. I stopped it by not being around her and getting off Facebook.

Facebook is not a good place if you have anxiety.

No. I have several friends who are much better looking/thinner/more successful in their careers than me. It doesn't make me feel inadequate at all. I could be thinner and more successful if I really wanted to be but I'm perfectly happy the way I am. Sounds like you need to work on your own confidence.

Yeah, sort yourself out, this is not your sil or your nieces fault. This is your problem entirely constructed in your head, jealousy is such a destructive emotion

I wasn’t being flippant when I said get some counselling. You need to start accepting your little girl for who she is, not comparing her to someone else.

Thanks Saucy. It really is relentless, my mil doesn't stop talking about my niece, she gives us every minute detail of the child's life and achievements but she doesn't show any interest in dd at all. It's hurtful for dh too.

Work on your own self esteem, OP. I'm a size 16, I don't have a skinny SIL but I have several size 8 friends. No big deal.

Facebook is a total lie, it only ever shows people's best bits.

Weirdly, mine is someone that I basically nicked a job off. I came in to cover someone's mat leave at a leading company and they booted out another member of staff when the mum came back rather than let me go. We work in a tiny incestuous industry so I see her a fair bit and she always GUSHES about how much happier she is now and how amazing and important she is...and then eventually asks "How is it at Company, then?"

To which I always reply "Same dog, different lamp post".

I will not be drawn into a bragging war but I constantly think her career is going better than mine even though I'm more senior!

What is your daughter great at? What does she like to do? Make sure she knows that these things are as important as performing and socialising.

TacoFlavouredKisses completely agree.

Don't compare, you and your DC are very very different people

I do accept my daughter, I'm so proud of her and praise her as much as I can. She's bright and so kind. When my niece was being unkind to a little boy, my dd was really sweet to him. I wouldn't change her for the world.

Well it's a fact of life that no matter who you are there is always someone who is better looking, thinner, fitter, healthier, richer, funnier, cleverer etc than you. It's the same for all of us.
Try not to compare yourself to others.

You should be asking what is it about myself that allows me to be so negative towards someone else's success and life, to the point where I cannot see the joy in watching an innocent child engage with her family, which I am a part of, without feeling nauseated.

Not happy with you size? Unless there's an extreme reason that you can't, get healthy.

Not content with what you're earning? If you only have the 1 daughter who is in full time school, look to re-train in a more fulfilling field with better prospects.

Not happy that your little girl isn't getting the same attention? Perhaps deduce that she simply isn't of such a nature and it is more your inadequacy than hers.

My words may seem harsh but the bottom line is you have 1 life. Live it your way and be kind while doing it. You can either continue as you are or make positive changes for YOU and not because of anyone else.

Oh and finally, delete damn Facebook. It is not an accurate representation of how people live their lives. Focus more on your own day to day living rather than screwing your face up at others and their activities behind a screen.

You are just as good as her. "Kind" is much more important than anything else.

And in my own experience, even the most "perfect" looking people from the outside feel inadequate about something. And those who don't, probably should!

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/dec/16/is-impostor-syndrome-just-for-women-there-are-some-men-i-can-think-of

Thank you irregular, I really needed some kindness. Feeling so low at the moment about everything and feel I'm somehow letting my daughter down.

I have a friend that is on the surface PERFECT. She has everything organised within an inch of her life, always has everything done first and to the absolute highest standards, full on exact hair and makeup with coordinated jewellery, shoes and handbags etc etc. The world and his dog feels inadequate beside her. Then you get to know her and realise she is an absolute ball of insecurity and anxiety. She sleeps about 4 hours a night as she doesn't have time to get everything done otherwise and doesn't let anyone vist or her husband sit on the sofa lest they ruin it. I actually feel really sorry for her because she's lovely and you can see despite all she does, she never feels good enough.

Plenty of people make me feel inadequate but not really for the reasons you've given. It's harder if you are a sensitive soul but you just have to learn the art of not giving too many fucks.

Life dealt me a fairly shit hand and it's never got too much easier for very long. I console myself that in my next life I will land on my feet. Who cares if it isn't true - I won't be around to know either way 😉

Yes, kind of. My childhood friend who I've known all my life. We grew up together and had similar dreams and aims in life and similar abilities. However, while she's gone on to become a post doc researcher and has children and a large, loving circle of family and friends (and a great Instagram account), my own life took a left turn due to physical and mental health issues and infertility.

She doesn't make me me feel inadequate, though, those are my own feelings from pointless comparison. I have plenty of things to feel content over, and we're all doing the best we can in our own lives.

I have a friend like your sister in law. Always perfect looking and beautifully dressed. She had the same effect on me as your SIL.

As I got to know her better and she opened up to me she said she was a mass of insecurities herself. As she put it 'my appearance is my armour to help me face the world'.

Nobody has a perfect life no matter how it seems from the outside.