To ask if there is someone in your life who makes you feel totally inadequate?

[Mustangwally]

My sil (dh's sister) is the same age as me and we have daughters the same age (six). I feel totally inadequate around sil. She's a size 8 and always looks stunning, earns well, always has nice clothes, whereas I'm a size 16 and totally frumpy with no money to get anything because my hours have been reduced dramatically. She has gazillions of equally glamorous friends and there is always photos of them all on Facebook having nights out while mil babysits. I have a small friendship group of mums that I'm still getting to know but I do have social anxiety and tend to find socialising quite daunting although I am a kind person and try to be friendly.

Sil's daughter, my niece, is super confident, a high achiever at school and goes to a stage school type thing as well as gymnastics and horse riding. Family gatherings are totally centred around her nauseating 'performances' and she is always the centre of attention. She is very bossy but everyone (especially mil) thinks she's delightful. I feel sorry for dd who is always ignored because of her cousin but blame myself because she's inherited my shyness.

I just feel totally inadequate all the time because I compare myself to sil and know I can never be as good as her. Although she's not a kind person at all, life seems to have dealt her all the winning cards. Has anyone else ever felt inadequate around someone and how do you overcome it?

Your inadequacy is rubbing off on your dd. Instead of being confident like her cousin, she’s copying you. I think you need to broaden her social horizons. Send her to classes, allow her to find her own niche. She’s only a kid, she can be confident if you enable it.

Cherries I think that's a little harsh. She isn't copying me, it's her nature. I do send her to classes, she does martial arts which had been really good for her confidence. We are always getting her to try new things and build her resilience. I also role model social skills to her, she sees me chatting away to other mums and to school staff etc. She would never know I have anxiety.

My sister. Great job, great husband, beautiful child lovely home, no money worries, loads of close friends and family.

Me, single parent, reliant on benefits, tiny HA flat, no friends as I can’t leave my kids with anyone to socialise as they both have autism.

My parents prefer her and everyone in my family are close to each with full lives. I have withdrawn completely as they really don’t need me and I don’t need the constant eye rolling and criticism and being made to feel like the scum bag branch of the family. Tbh I think we are all happier this way. No one has to pretend anymore.

"When my niece was being unkind to a little boy, my dd was really sweet to him"

You can't seem to stop comparing them.

They are living the lives they want, you are obsessing over them.

And worse, finding fault, were there is none. Your DNs personality isn't set yet, neither is your DDs, so don't be so smug wanting your DN to fail at something.

Start to value yourself, as suggested, get counselling and then you will value your DD.

Lose the weight, get a new job. You make your own luck.

It isn't really nice to think of a 6yos showing what she does as "nauseating". You're the grown-up and you are the person who needs to model grown-up behaviour and grown-up thinking to your daughter. If you take that away from her by focusing on your own jealousy, you will be making her life more difficult than it need be, because you won't be giving her the teaching she is entitled to.

When mine were younger, I did sometimes reflect that my nephew seemed to have been given everything my dd hadn't: robust health, strong body, talent in everything- STEM, languages, music, sports-, wealthy parents who could give him everything he wanted, centre of attention wherever he was. In the meantime, dd had a physical disability, severe anxiety, panic attacks, often unable to attend school and consequently poor results, social anxiety, no musical talent whatsoever.

If I had not made a deliberate effort to look away from all that I would have taken away from her one of the great joys of her life: her relationship with her cousin who is more like a brother to her.

He has grown up a lovely person, not spoilt in any way, someone who enriches all our lives, and I could have taken that away from her by blaming him for circumstances that were never his fault, any more than my dd's shortcomings were her fault.

I think MiL sounds like she's really unfair towards your DD I'm not surprised you're upset, your poor DD and poor you. I think being in that environment would make anyone feel insecure.

I know it's probably no help but you sound lovely and more the kind of person I'd be interested in hanging out with than SiL (although I'm sure she's a fine person too).

God some posters are being really unkind to you. Of course OP can't help comparing when MiL won't stop singing DN's praises and ignoring her own DD. I very much doubt that any of the posters making unkind comments would do any better in those circumstances.

Thank you HolesinTheSoles, some of these responses have had me in tears but you have really understood where I'm coming from thank you.

No. I have several friends who are much better looking/thinner/more successful in their careers than me. It doesn't make me feel inadequate at all. I could be thinner and more successful if I really wanted to be but I'm perfectly happy the way I am. Sounds like you need to work on your own confidence.

This ^ and all the eminently sensible posts following it.
Your SiL doesn't make you feel inadequate. Your lack of self confidence does.
There will always be people who have a better job / look better / are richer / seemingly (from the outside) have things going their way much more than they are yours. Equally, there are always people who don't have a job (or a job they consider to be 'good enough') / look worse / have poor health / are poorer / etc., etc if that somehow makes you feel better, you could look their way.

Or you could look at all the good things you have going in your life, and all the lovely things your dd does / can do, and be positive, rather than negative all the time.
As has been said, comparison is the thief of all joy so don't focus on it.

But ‘holes’ has just agreed with you. That won’t change anything for you, will it? You’ll still feel just as bad, but now will think you’re ‘right’ because someone says you are.

HolesinTheSoles

God some posters are being really unkind to you. Of course OP can't help comparing when MiL won't stop singing DN's praises and ignoring her own DD. I very much doubt that any of the posters making unkind comments would do any better in those circumstances.

Well said. There is a pack mentality on some threads that is very unpleasant to watch. Those if you who are playing your little games must know EXACTLY what the OP is referencing but you choose to twist her words and dismiss her sadness.

Favouritism is a deeply unpleasant thing.

of you

My sister is slim pretty, rich, well connected, has the most beautiful home and a really lovely life with lots of friends

I am also a size 16, low income, no home I own, life is harder for me

My sister never makes me feel inadequate of her own accord, she’s kind and very generous and I am proud of what she has achieved, not jealous. In actual fact she makes me probably work harder - maybe it’s not impossible to be more like her? I don’t know, it just helps inspire me rather than put me down?

Parrot I know I'm not right, I just need constructive kind advice to get out of this negative frame of mind. I appreciated someone being able to empathise that's all.

Mustangwally Really so what?, you'll always find some one whos prittier, weighs less, has more money a bigger house children where the sun shines outa thrir bums MIL's who discrimate etc etc.

Just ingnore them, it won't do you any good and it won't me either I don't give a tinkers cuss about them. I'm me i'm perfick biut i think i'm pretty decenet otherwise!

From a post a while back it does seem to me your being an excellent mum to your daughter and thats a great thing!, so now stick that in yer pipe and smoke it!

as my olde gran used to say to empasise a point :-)

School mum
Slim, pretty, popular, close loving family, loads of friends, sporty, doesn’t drink, church going, drives my dream car, lives in my dream house, wealthy, beat me in school Governors election by 1 vote
Worst part is that she is a genuinely lovely kind person who would do anything for anyone so I can’t hate her

But ‘holes’ has just agreed with you. That won’t change anything for you, will it? You’ll still feel just as bad, but now will think you’re ‘right’ because someone says you are.

I don't know if you intend to but you come across as unkind and it's very obvious you're not trying to be helpful - just trying to kick OP when she's down. Horrible pack mentality on AIBU - try a different board OP!

OP hasn't said she wants to feel this way but her insecurity is obviously not going to helped by her MiL's actions and by the way OP is right her Mil shouldn't favour one granddaughter over the other. She's 100% right to feel annoyed by that.

@Mustangwally

I do empathise but you may have to cut toxic people out of your life to gain a better perspective of your own life.

Thanks Holes, I think maybe aibu is not the right forum for mental health/wellbeing issues, that said, there have been one or two posts that have been helpful and I will take on board what they've said. Sometimes it's hard to get perspective when you're very low.

Spend less time with those people. Let DH take DD to visit SIL and MIL on his own. You can go do something YOU want to do instead.

It's his family after all, you don't need to get so closely involved. Take a few steps back and breathe!

You sound nasty and riddled with anxiety.
I've always had good self esteem. Both my boys do. I and they have fabulous friends.

I have friends who are Uber glam, some stunning and also totally lovely. and one who earns £250k+ as partner of a top law firm.
Some who are rough as anything and a complete giggle and one who works outside and doesn't wear a scrap of make up and covered in dirt. She's the best laugh of all.

I am zero jealous and none of them intimidate me. At all.
I love them. Completely.

You really need to address your anxiety!! Get help. See your GP.

I felt similarly about my SIL. She's more attractive, more successful, her kids sleep and do as they're told, she is glamourous with glamourous friends and is always attending high profile events, she's confident and outgoing and dominates any room she is in. For the last 6 months or so she has been struggling terribly with her mental health and has been signed off work. You never really know what's going on behind the scenes however together someone seems.

Please don't compare them, they are complete individuals.
Find something you and dd enjoy doing and look at finding a hobby for dd where she can excel, what is she good at and enjoys?
Your dd has her own talents and skills, help her to see what these are and be proud of them.

Yes AIBU is not the right forum! Try relationships

Look after yourself OP [insert MN hug if it existed]