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Original poster

“Bank account for ladies’ nice things”

103 replies

MissyCooper · 17/12/2018 13:58

My friend has two young kids and is married to a guy with a pretty good job. They are by no means loaded but seem to do ok. She works part time in a low paid role so she’s around for the kids. Fair dos.

Last time we were all out together she regaled us with talk of her “account for ladies’ nice things” that her husband has for her. Basically a separate bank account into which he transfers a sum each month so she can buy shoes, handbags etc. We were all supposed to be green with envy. The others made the right noises but I was a bit sick in my mouth.

Another woman I know has a professional job of her own and yet looks forward to payday every month when her well-off fiancé buys her a “payday present” - jewellery, designer handbag etc.

What is this shit??

OP posts:
HestiaParthenos · 17/12/2018 14:54

I’d be far more concerned about a friend whose husband is financially abusive and doesn’t give her money than one who is given funds to treat herself.

This. The problem I have is with the name.

If it was named "Anti Pay Gap Account" and was for the explicit purpose of compensating her for doing more of the childcare than he does, it would be perfectly fine and even feminist.

Not sure if the twee name is a guarantee that the man secretly spends his money on prostitutes or such. Hmm
I am about as trusting as Mad Eye Moody when it comes to men, but I wouldn't be so sure that he's a bad one merely based on that choice of words.

ItIsChristmasTime · 17/12/2018 14:55

I suspect it's something her DH said and she thought it was sweet and funny and has taken it up as her own. Yuck.

It’s from a chick lit book so my money is on her coming up with the name.

NotAColdWomanHenry · 17/12/2018 14:57

A bit “make yourself look nice for hubby - off to the lingerie shop with you”.

I would just ignore that implication (if it was there) and buy what I wanted.

ItIsChristmasTime · 17/12/2018 14:58

The problem I have is with the name.

I think the name is awful but she would probably think my bank accounts have very dull names - they are called “Bills”, “Spending”, “Savings”, “Property” and “Current Account” but I’m quite happy with those names and it appears she is with her bank account name.

TherightsideofHERstory · 17/12/2018 15:00

If I recall correctly, in the book the account name was used in a lighthearted, gently ironic way by the couple concerned. If someone told me that they had a "Ladies nice things" account I would guess that they were referencing the book in a similar way.

If I hadn't read the book, I would think wtf do you call it that?

Jackshouse · 17/12/2018 15:00

I think the concept is fine. I am a SAHM and every month I have a standard order of £200 for my personal spending money. DH keeps £200 back from his wages for personal spending and the rest goes if it goes into the joint account for bills and family stuff. This means we are equal.

FrenchJunebug · 17/12/2018 15:01

I am with you OP. I would find that infantilising. Are women children that need pocket money or responsible human beings?!

HestiaParthenos · 17/12/2018 15:02

I would just ignore that implication (if it was there) and buy what I wanted.

I would take "ladies' nice things" to mean anything I think is nice, which ranges from chocolate to donations for charities to a week of hiking in the Alps.

(Any man I'd stay married to would only use such a name for a bank account if I had suggested it for ironic humour, of course)

PurpleAndTurquoise · 17/12/2018 15:05

Try Gaviscon OP.

PandorasBag · 17/12/2018 15:06

'Ladies' nice things' sounds pink and fluffy and not nice at all.

I think money for treats/non-essentials is important if families/couples have a little bit of money spare.

So for my partner and I that would be money for going to the cinema or buying books. I think it is the very gendered nature of the language which is a bit off. Very sugar and spice. Like that M&S window where ladies 'need' frilly knickers in winter, while blokes need clothes that actually keep them warm.

Littlepond · 17/12/2018 15:08

It’s a horribly twee name fir judt hsvung a bank account! I guess we do the same thing, there’s a joint account salaries go into then DH and I gave individual accounts where we put our “pocket money” - a budgeted amount that isn’t needed for essentials. I suppose this is my “ladies nice things” account, but in reality it’s just my bank account!

I hate the idea of a man giving a woman permission to buy shoes, though.

peakSafeSpace · 17/12/2018 15:09

"If it was named "Anti Pay Gap Account""

You think the pay gap is accounted for by the fact women stay out of work by choice?

You can do better than that. Maybe ...

Maybe you really are that deluded.

Queenie8 · 17/12/2018 15:10

The terminology that your friend has used may be a bit twee, but shouldn't this couple be applauded? The DH has ensured that the DW is financially independent, that she isn't demeaned by having to 'ask' for money to pay for something, to get a haircut/colour etc.

To be financially controlled is one of the lowest blows a partner can inflict, it is so much more than money, it's control, its demeaning, its derogatory.

This DW is in a good relationship. Good for her.

Turquoise123 · 17/12/2018 15:12

It's very sad......

IShouldBeSoLurky · 17/12/2018 15:18

We work our joint finances so I have slightly more disposable income than DP because I have costs like having my roots/eyebrows/Botox done that he doesn't incur. We call it the Patriarchy Tax.

Jux · 17/12/2018 15:24

Really, they ought to have equal access to money, it is family income. He is free to earn it because she enables him to do so, having to work only part time thus taking the full hit on her career in order to 'be there for the children', so also saving huge amounts on childcare too. Don't think for one moment that she doesn't earn 'his' salary too.

It does make me feel a bit sick in my mouth too, MissyCooper, both the twee-ness and the minimising of her role in their lives.

peakSafeSpace · 17/12/2018 15:24

@IShouldBeSoLurky

"Patriarchy tax"?

Does he know what a beta male is? Gamma? Delta? Omega? You sound abusive.

BarbaraofSevillle · 17/12/2018 15:33

Lurky

Sorry, but that's ridiculous. All of those things are entirely optional.

And if by any chance you are a model, TV presenter or any other role where your looks are anywhere your employer's business, they should be paying for the cost, both time and financial.

PawneeParksDept · 17/12/2018 15:36

Everybody has said what I would really

Her friends, bar you, gushed because due to toxic marital dynamics and/or gender pay gap and child bearing/rearing many women do find themselves in situations with zero financial control and no money for "nice things".

On another thread a poster feels sad and crestfallen that her husband has bought her yet another Italian cookbook for Christmas when it's him that likes both Italian food and cooking it. So he's really bought himself something allegedly for her.

Another posted that she felt at a loss in her marriage because she helped her DC choose nice Christmas presents for Daddy, but there won't be the same for her as he didn't even shift his arse to buy her something she pointedly said she liked in a charity shop. She thinks she will likely get cheap biscuits wrapped up.

Yes the name is twee, but her husband has been thoughtful, and actively wants her to have nice things without needing to beg, hint or ask permission

Which is rather lovely actually

JamAtkins · 17/12/2018 15:45

If it was me I'd prefer splitting all disposable income equally though

It might be split equally. Just because it’s got a weird name doesn’t mean she has less disposable income than him.

These threads always throw up people claiming they love joint accounts so they don’t feel patronised/it’s family money/I just spend what I like without asking permission and I’m sure it works wonderfully well for many but ime only works if

A. your disposable income is either so huge overspending doesn’t matter much or so small that neither of you buy anything of any consequence
B. You are both quite organised in terms of checking your balance
C. You both have very similar spending habits eg one of you doesn’t piss away £10 a day on Starbucks while the other is frantically saving for a big ticket item

DH and I fail on all 3 so have separate accounts for nice things

Original poster
MissyCooper · 17/12/2018 16:26

Well maybe I am being mean spirited. I’m not in a good place. I do understand the sentiment behind it but it just seems patronising and unequal to me.

OP posts:
peakSafeSpace · 17/12/2018 16:29

"I’m not in a good place."

Clearly.

Why try and drag others down?

NotAColdWomanHenry · 17/12/2018 16:29

It's true it might be evenly split, but it's not clear. When I was with ex I insisted on separate accounts, with a joint account for household expenses that we paid into according to our income (mine being lower as I worked less due to him refusing to cut any hours to share childcare equally).

It worked but on reflection might have been one of the things that made him such a passive aggressive arse badger. I suspect he'd have liked to keep more of his "own" salary for buying iphones etc and left me with less, if I had been less feminist.

ViragoKnows · 17/12/2018 16:38

Ignore peak. He’s a bitchplopping MRA.

peakSafeSpace · 17/12/2018 16:44

@ViragoKnows

Ha. Misandry #1. Suggest someone is for male rights and therefore ignore their thoughts because, as we all know, male rights are for cunts.

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