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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

“Bank account for ladies’ nice things”

103 replies

MissyCooper · 17/12/2018 13:58

My friend has two young kids and is married to a guy with a pretty good job. They are by no means loaded but seem to do ok. She works part time in a low paid role so she’s around for the kids. Fair dos.

Last time we were all out together she regaled us with talk of her “account for ladies’ nice things” that her husband has for her. Basically a separate bank account into which he transfers a sum each month so she can buy shoes, handbags etc. We were all supposed to be green with envy. The others made the right noises but I was a bit sick in my mouth.

Another woman I know has a professional job of her own and yet looks forward to payday every month when her well-off fiancé buys her a “payday present” - jewellery, designer handbag etc.

What is this shit??

OP posts:

Original poster

MissyCooper · 17/12/2018 14:26

Not jealous at all. I can buy my own nice things.

In any even lt we have a joint account. Everything goes in and everything comes out and no one scrutinises what “nice things” the other is buying.

OP posts:

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 17/12/2018 14:26

The account name is pretty patronising! My husband and I do similar - we have an amount going into our own personal accounts every month from our income so that we can do whatever the heck we like with it, but I don't call it 'nice Ladies' things' (and neither does he!)

Chanelprincess · 17/12/2018 14:26

Another woman I know has a professional job of her own and yet looks forward to payday every month when her well-off fiancé buys her a “payday present” - jewellery, designer handbag etc.

Nothing wrong with this at all - you sound jealous and resentful, OP. Just because she has the money to buy these things herself doesn't mean her partner shouldn't treat her if he wants to, and they're both happy with this.

chocatoo · 17/12/2018 14:27

Sounds great!

DontCallMeCharlotte · 17/12/2018 14:27

I used to have a "running away fund" which I put tips in.

ViragoKnows · 17/12/2018 14:29

Marian Keyes books always sound unbearable. How does she sell so many?

MotherofDinosaurs · 17/12/2018 14:30

We're you genuinely, literally sick in your mouth OP or are you just being a bit silly. If the thought of someone's husband being nice enough to buy them a few presents makes you physically sick then you should probably have a think about why you're so unhappy with your own life

notacooldad · 17/12/2018 14:31

but I was a bit sick in my mouth
Are you always such a drama llama?
What is this shit??
This shit is how a couple choose to manage and label things and funny enough, it seems to work for them.
Save getting your knickers in a twist for something that actually matters.

cuppycakey · 17/12/2018 14:31

OP you do come across as jealous

User12879923378 · 17/12/2018 14:32

You could probably have a bit of a debate about the name of the account, fine, but the concept is great, actually. Her husband pays money into a separate account that she can use on whatever she wants. He doesn't give her housekeeping money (which most SAHMs I know feel obliged to spend on their kids or the house), and he doesn't expect her to come and ask him for money for clothes or shoes so that he can audit her spending. He appreciates that she's not in a position to access her full earning potential because she's focusing on their children. Whether or not it's a fair share of the family income is a slightly different question that there isn't enough information to answer, but the concept is quite nice, isn't it? What if she called the account "A Room Of My Own" instead?

Aridane · 17/12/2018 14:32

Sounds good to me!

Aeroflotgirl · 17/12/2018 14:32

Fair doos to her, if her husband is earning more than her, and he wants to treat her, why not! I bet people would be of the LTB ilk, if he did earn a lot, and bought himself nice things, and treated himself, whilst his partner who was on a lower paid job, went without.

Hohofortherobbers · 17/12/2018 14:36

Maybe he has a 'gentleman's nice things' account too. Couldn't get worked up myself, would be more alarmed if my friend didnt have any access to money

User12879923378 · 17/12/2018 14:37

Marian Keyes is incredibly funny and clever. Her Desert Island Discs was great. She's very wry about being pigeonholed as a chick lit writer - basically says she doesn't mind what it's called as long as she finds the right audience. I think it was listening to her that really made me recognise that "chick lit" is just a disparaging label for "fiction that is more likely to be read by women than by men".

peakSafeSpace · 17/12/2018 14:37

We have cash for 'nice things' or 'boys toys'. Nothing wrong with that. We've both been higher-earners and fortunately are high-earners.

At both times we've had a joint account for 99% of our money as well as cash so that we feel we have independence.

We're now at the stage in our lives where there's very little we actually want but we have to make a point of not looking at the banking coming up to Christmas or birthdays as we could so easily ruin surprises.

The DH is the breadwinner. The wife is disadvantaged financially but is operating as part of a team. The transfer of cash makes it clear that the wife isn't expected to go without little treats and luxuries or have purchases scrutinised.

Anyone with a problem with their set-up is hard of thinking or permafended.

ViragoKnows · 17/12/2018 14:37

What if she called the account "A Room Of My Own" instead?

She doesn’t want a room to write. She wants “nice ladies things”. It’s a shame Virginia isn't available for comment

blackteasplease · 17/12/2018 14:38

I came on to say it's a quote from Angles by Marianne Keyes but I see others have beaten me to it!

NotAColdWomanHenry · 17/12/2018 14:39

While I find the whole set-up patriarchal, given that she's in it (and I'm not blaming her, I was essentially in a similar role in my LTR despite not really wanting to be), I don't think this is a bad thing for him to do.

We often hear of financially abusive DHs who spin it so that their SAHM wife can barely afford a haircut while they buy rolex watches. This man is at least making sure his wife can afford to buy herself what she wants. If it was me I'd prefer splitting all disposable income equally though.

I do like “ladies’ nice things” though I'm now single and get them for myself. I like the idea of a special account for it (that isn't just my credit card...)

blackteasplease · 17/12/2018 14:40

I'm sure he dh gets some money for gentlemen's nice things (although somehow that sounds gross! As though a euphemism for something...) whatever things he may personally like. It's just a way of expressing it I guess.

Probably sensible to keep personal spends separate then there can be no argument about it.

winterisstillcoming · 17/12/2018 14:41

I'm with peak here, in fact when I was earning more than my husband, I used to top up his account for spends. I felt that he deserved it while he was building up his business. I don't think it's sexist if she'd do the same for her husband if the tables were turned but a little undignified to be boasting about it.

NotAColdWomanHenry · 17/12/2018 14:42

blackteas :o :o :o

Poor men. "Ladies’ nice things” sounds lovely with visions of perfume, nail polish, glam handbags and silky PJs. "Gentlemen's nice things" just sounds impossibly seedy!

SilverLining10 · 17/12/2018 14:43

You sound jealous.

My dh does the same for me. I'm a sahm and we have a joint account. But I'm sensitive of spending 'too much' and he always tells me I dont spend enough. So our compromise is that I have a separate account where we transfer a monthly amount so I can spend as I wish where I dont feel guilty even though I have no reason to.

Ngaio2 · 17/12/2018 14:45

My late DMs moan was that she had to ask for money for anything not included in house keeping. DF would say “You only need to ask”, which she found demeaning . She’d have been delighted to have recourse to money she didn’t have to account for, whatever it was called.

ViragoKnows · 17/12/2018 14:47

I'm sure he dh gets some money for gentlemen's nice things (although somehow that sounds gross! As though a euphemism for something...)

That’s the point. It sounds gross when it’s “ladies’ nice things” too. Slightly shady and slightly patronising; A bit “make yourself look nice for hubby - off to the lingerie shop with you”.

peakSafeSpace · 17/12/2018 14:47

""Ladies’ nice things” sounds lovely with visions of perfume, nail polish, glam handbags and silky PJs. "Gentlemen's nice things" just sounds impossibly seedy!"

Matriarchy, innit

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