Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boxing Day at the in-laws

84 replies

octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 13:38

Really need some advise on this, it's probably going to be long, around this time last year we ( partner, me and our 9 week old Dd ) got invited to mil's for Xmas, we politely declined and said we wanted Xmas in our own ( new ) home with our little baby also we was worried about our baby being near their dog, ( before I had my dd I always looked after their dog as she can be quite snappy and they were worried about the dog being around the other grandchild ) well... it turned quite nasty on their behalf mil called me ridiculous, told us how I ruined Xmas, told me the dog will categorically will not hurt my dd, this went on for days, we had Xmas at home but they were quite funny with me after Xmas right up until quite recent- some examples

  • bringing their dog over knowing I didn't want her near my baby
  • fil told me I'd let myself go
  • mil just generally making comments and digs every visit
Just general stuff done to wind me up I feel, even partner has said they're playing a massive game and their actions aren't normal. I've lost so much confidence from it all. When they come to visit I get very anxious and usually ends in a bad headache, So this year we've been invited Boxing Day bit because I feel my very first Xmas as mummy ( ttc over 3 years ) was completely spoilt, I don't want to go there, it's only been this past week that the comments have lessened I want Xmas to not be stressful I want to be in my own home ( my mum will come over and stay which I'm really looking forward to ) I don't want to go there, my dd is only one and doesn't understand to leave the dog alone, and if they put her in another room she always gets out and I think it's cruel to shut her away, so would I be unreasonable not to go? Partner wants to go still even if me and dd don't xx
OP posts:
Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 13:43

I used to suffer with anxiety and panic attacks, haven't suffered a panic attack in almost 5 years but feel like I'm going back where I was with them xx

OP posts:
catchyjem · 17/12/2018 13:45

I wouldn't be going if I were you.

MergeDragons · 17/12/2018 13:46

Could you do something with them instead? I always find sitting about the house with relatives really hard. Could you all maybe meet up somewhere and go for a 40 minute walk or something?

Snowwontbelong · 17/12/2018 13:46

Let your dp go if he is happy with that plan. You owe them nothing op.

Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 13:54

I should have added that partner told me ( in an argument) that if his mum hadn't behaved like that he was going to propose to me ( been with him over 8 years ) but he felt he couldn't then a few months later his brother got engaged I find that quite hard but I am happy for them it's not their fault!!
Also about 3 months after having my Dd mil showed partner a photo of his other brothers new girlfriend and said " isn't she pretty " made me feel quite crap considering " id let myself go " so I'm quite insecure around that gf because she is stunning, I have put weight on and don't always have time to glam myself up, also mil brought round a poster of naked Girls and asked if it was my partners ( we've been living together for over 6 years ) and then said oh if it's not yours I'll throw it!! I've never felt good enough for them unless I'm doing favours xx

OP posts:
Surfskatefamily · 17/12/2018 13:56

Your in-laws are being ridiculous and have been awful. However, i would want to have abetter ongoing relationship. Would you consider committing to say 3hours? Asking them what time they want you there. Get your oh to tell them that this is a good opportunity for them to make amends over last year. He also may want to tell them not to expect it every year if thats what you both want.

Surfskatefamily · 17/12/2018 13:57

regarding snappy dog. Shut it away. It will be fine. But you need to find out how it is escaping back into the room and stop that. I can only imagine its your in laws letting it back in since dogs cant open doors

Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 13:58

Thankyou for your replies, I've tried time and time again to make things right but I always end up feeling crap and upset, it's got that bad that I don't really want to compromise, my partner has only just started having my back over it all, he used to just let it happen and say nothing xx

OP posts:
Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 13:59

We've tried them holding the dog but fil always lets her go, we went into another room before and fil shouts out ddog is on her way ( meaning his let her up the stairs to where we were ) xx

OP posts:
Snowwontbelong · 17/12/2018 14:05

They have zero respect for you /dp or your dc. Stay away and explain why.

FaithFrank · 17/12/2018 14:06

YANBU they have been horrible and manipulative. I wouldn't want to go either.

As a compromise, I would propose to meet up with them over the Xmas period (not BD) rather than visit them at their house. Maybe going for a walk, as pp suggested, having lunch in a pub or similar.

HSarah · 17/12/2018 14:08

I would go to try and repair the relationship but make it clear you don't want the dog around your DD. If you don't go it will likely cause a permanent rift and that's not good for anyone. Of course if they make digs on the day then just leave- you'll have tried at least.

AndhowcouldIeverrefuse · 17/12/2018 14:10

I wouldn't take any chances with any dogs especially one that has a history of being snappy and bearing in mind the owners are not on board... NO

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/12/2018 14:12

He felt like he couldn't propose to you but he could have a baby with you?

Inertia · 17/12/2018 14:13

I wouldn’t go to their house in those circumstances- their ridiculous conduct with the dog to drive home a point to you is not fair to either the dog or the baby.

If they are willing to mend fences with you, I would do what previous posters have suggested and agree to meet them for a walk in a country park, pub lunch etc.

LakieLady · 17/12/2018 14:20

But you need to find out how it is escaping back into the room and stop that. I can only imagine its your in laws letting it back in since dogs cant open doors

They can easily open doors if the door has a lever handle and opens outwards - paw on handle, and push. All my dogs have been able to open the door between the kitchen and the living room, which is why my sofas are knackered.

I also had a dog that could open any door, even at other people's houses. I think he was exceptionally clever though.

Velvetbee · 17/12/2018 14:26

Our pointers can do door knobs too.

However the situation sounds awful. I’d be very tempted not to go.

CrabbityRabbit · 17/12/2018 16:26

I agree don't go. DP can go on his own.

Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 16:26

Thankyou for your replies, it's nice to know I'm not being unreasonable, one minute I think I'm being mean and other times I think after everything they've done I don't want to keep putting myself in that situation and I certainly don't want to risk my dd around their dog!! Xx

OP posts:
Snowwontbelong · 17/12/2018 16:33

Our rottweiler can open all doors and push down safety gates!!
She gets put out, key turned and hidden when dgs is here!!

Atalune · 17/12/2018 16:35

I think you’re being precious about the dog- is it snappy and has it ever hurt anyone?

They keep it away from you, it escapes, they warn you. I think that’s ok.

FIL said you’d let yourself go- not nice. But time to let it go now.

Engagement- it’s neither here nor there what BIL has done.

I think you’re making excuses for it not to work now. And that’s a shame where everyone loses.

crispysausagerolls · 17/12/2018 16:36

I can’t believe everyone is overlooking your DP refusing to propose for some bullshit reasons...

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/12/2018 16:41

How far away are they?

To be honest I think I would go. They were upset you didn't go on Xmas day last year so have asked you boxing day instead. There are two of you so should be able to manage the dog. You will have Christmas day at home. Your partner really wants to go and if he is onside now and will stand up to you it should be OK. You might be able to build bridges and for them to have a good relationship with your daughter

I would speak to your partner and explain how anxious it makes you feel when you think about going and you need some support.
Agree one of you will keep an eye on your daughter and one will keep an eye on the dog and have an text strategy if it doesn't look like it is working
Agree beforehand you will only stay for a number of hours you think you can cope with for example say your daughter needs a nap at a certain time at home or in the car
Agree that he will help you and stick up for uou if any horrible comments. For example if they mention your weight he steps in and says that's unkind to mention that to a new mum and you're doing a fantastic job of looking after your daughter instead of doing faddy diets. Have a code word or phrase when you need some more support from him

Good luck

Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 16:44

I feel the not proposing comment was punishing me for not obey what his mum wanted if I'm honest.
Also regarding the dog yes she is snappy, I had to look after her whilst they had the other grandchild as they were worried about dog snapping, and the dog has snapped at adults before and snatched biscuits out of other grandchild's ( 3 ) hands before xx

OP posts:
Puggles123 · 17/12/2018 16:47

YANBU, and your OH was very unreasonable to say he would have proposed if that wouldn’t have happened.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.