Boxing Day at the in-laws

[octoberbaby2010]

Really need some advise on this, it's probably going to be long, around this time last year we ( partner, me and our 9 week old Dd ) got invited to mil's for Xmas, we politely declined and said we wanted Xmas in our own ( new ) home with our little baby also we was worried about our baby being near their dog, ( before I had my dd I always looked after their dog as she can be quite snappy and they were worried about the dog being around the other grandchild ) well... it turned quite nasty on their behalf mil called me ridiculous, told us how I ruined Xmas, told me the dog will categorically will not hurt my dd, this went on for days, we had Xmas at home but they were quite funny with me after Xmas right up until quite recent- some examples

• bringing their dog over knowing I didn't want her near my baby
• fil told me I'd let myself go
• mil just generally making comments and digs every visit

Just general stuff done to wind me up I feel, even partner has said they're playing a massive game and their actions aren't normal. I've lost so much confidence from it all. When they come to visit I get very anxious and usually ends in a bad headache, So this year we've been invited Boxing Day bit because I feel my very first Xmas as mummy ( ttc over 3 years ) was completely spoilt, I don't want to go there, it's only been this past week that the comments have lessened I want Xmas to not be stressful I want to be in my own home ( my mum will come over and stay which I'm really looking forward to ) I don't want to go there, my dd is only one and doesn't understand to leave the dog alone, and if they put her in another room she always gets out and I think it's cruel to shut her away, so would I be unreasonable not to go? Partner wants to go still even if me and dd don't xx

Thankyou for your reply, so met partner in 2010 I had Xmas with my family and he had Xmas with his family separate. Then the following 6 Xmas we " popped " to see my mum for an hour ish!! And then went to his mums for most of the day and evening!! 2017 we brought our house, I had my beautiful little girl and decided I wanted Xmas at home, where my mum could visit us here as I hadn't spent Xmas with her in my adult life apart from that one in 2010, I didn't want dd near their dog and also it was my first Xmas as a mummy in our new home, I wanted to do our own new tradition etc xx

Tag team the baby and the dog. If the comments start then decide at which point you will be leaving. Let him answer them. If he does not then you need to face those fears and develop a strategy. Scary at first but you will soon relax into it.
Well you have let yourself go a bit
Sorry, i thought you were speaking to mil/fil. What do you mean let myself go?
Well, you have packed on the pounds
When my weight becomes your business, I will let you know. Smile.
You look tired
Yes, I was hoping for some downtime during this holiday but that is not to be.
You have plenty of downtime, you are not at work.
Really? Ooooookaaaay.
Xxxgf looks so elegant.
I haven't seen her for ages, is she coming over to join us?
No, she is too busy
Hmmmmm
She keeps herself trim
That's nice. Does she go to the gym when bil visits you?
Dogwise.
Please put the dog away before we come in
I have the collar
How are you going to greet your grandchild whilst restraining the dog? No, we will wait here while you put it away.
Send dp with fil to shut the dog away.
Dog gets out. Dp stops it and takes it back.
Dog gets out
Shall I take it upstairs to the xxx room?
Dog gets out
Would the dog be best off in the car where it can't escape?
No. I cannot see what the fuss is about she won't hurt dc.
Not worth the risk. Time to go. Apologies for missing the meal but I cannot relax and enjoy the visit whilst worrying about the dog escaping every few.minutes.

Also, do not let them in your house with the dog. Dog stays in the car. That will shorten the visit.

It is time for them to be politely pulled up. None of it is hysterical. None of it is confrontational. Simply practically pointing out issues and smiling.
Does dp not realise how their treatment of you is massively disrespectful to him?
As for him saying he was going to propose. How about another declaration? This time to his parents. She is my choice, the mother of my child and my family. You can carry on with your petty behaviour and risk irreparably damaging your relationship with me or you can behave like grown ups and accept my choice graciously.
Time for him to decide who is more important and worth fighting for.

surely when you have your own babies you have a right to have Xmas in your own home if you want too!

You are right! :)

Well... tonight I couldn't feel any shitter if I tried!! On the verge of splitting up... told mil this on Tuesday and since hasn't asked if I'm okay or anything, so forward to today she asked to come tonight I text partner before I came home and said I didn't want them over tonight as when they come I feel really uncomfortable and worry they'll have a dig at me not sure I can take anymore and that things aren't good between us, he rings mil and I hear them talking he says we're just sorting dd for bed but it's up to you!! ( whether they come ) then hear him say yeah come over see you soon!! ( after 7pm ) so tonight my skins gone all patchy I feel on edge and a stress gut ache, on top of that I feel my feelings don't matter and that she'll always come before me no matter how I feel!! I feel like I just have to put up with being treated like shit and my feelings aren't being thought of or cared about!! Sorry for the rant sounds quite silly now I've written it down xxx

I get that you're very anxious but will you ever allow your pil to come round? Christmas, I'd stay home with a little one, but it's normal to offer to host if you want to stay home. Surely mil isn't coming round at this time of night?

If your DP isn't backing you up, that's a huge problem. Do you feel able to speak to your pil and tell them no more derogatory comments?

Thankyou for your reply, they are welcome over just don't feel 7pm whilst me and partner are having problems is a good idea considering the problems are caused by them and him not backing me at all xx

I think my concern is I told her how things weren't great between us and that were on the verge of splitting up, she hadn't bothered to text to see if I'm okay, she had text partner to see how he is, they tell me they care and love me but doesn't feel like it,
I feel she can ignore me, I feel they can do what ever they like and are still treated like royalty xx

I've also told him several times I don't feel he has my back and he just keeps showing me he doesn't xx

Why did you tell your MIL you were ok verge of splitting up?! If she doesn’t like you you are handing her ammunition. Confide in your own mum about your relationship. Your MIL is your DP’s mum, she will always side with him no matter what.

I think my concern is I told her how things weren't great between us and that were on the verge of splitting up, she hadn't bothered to text to see if I'm okay, she had text partner to see how he is, they tell me they care and love me but doesn't feel like it

Tbf it is him who is there son. You can't on one hand say it is up to him to sort stuff and then on the other hand be upset when the don't contact you directly.

It does seem you have problems with your DP and are projecting it onto them to an extent.

*their

but will you ever allow your pil to come round?

^ this is the way it is coming accross.

Sorry it's really not like that, they come over weekly and I have invited them over loads too, i just think that for once he could have put my feelings first xx

It's very hard to have people over that make you feel uncomfortable in your own home xx

i just think that for once he could have put my feelings first

Then that is on him not your PIL.

As mumsnet is very fond of saying
“You don’t have a MIL problem. You have a DH problem. “
This I believe is the crux of your problems.
Your MIL (and FIL for that matter) has a cruel tongue and has been allowed to get away with this for far too long by your DP.
Have you spoken to your SIL about this? SHES the one you should be talking to at the moment. Does your MIL speak like this to her? Why are she and BIL not ordered round at Christmas?

Do you want to be with your DP? Can you face the next 10 years of him letting you be abused like this? He lets his parents undermine your confidence in a very cruel way and doesn’t stop them.
Will he stop them when they start to do the same to your DD? Because you already feel she is the second best grandchild - so what happens when they tell her she’s not as pretty as her cousin, or she needs to run about more as she’s gettimg fat or any of the millions of horrible things people can say to children which undermine their confidence and self esteem.
I think telling you in an argument that he was going to propose but didn’t because of all of the crap that was going on is very very cruel. He is his mother’s son isn’t he? Why didn’t he just propose on New Year’s Eve, or valentines, or mother’s day...............but to tell you and not do it- well that’s simply despicable in my book.

You say in your OP that the comments have lessened in the last week or so because Christmas is coming and they want you there. So they KNOW exactly what they are doing and saying is wrong and nasty and will know how damaging it is unless they are very stupid - but they are not stupid are they? Just cruel.
Your DP is either nasty too or a coward. He has let them behave like this , saying awful things to you and not calling them out on it. I’m sorry, but if he truly loved you he wouldn’t let anybody speak to you like that ( especially when he knows how much it hurts and damages you) .

Speak to your SIL. Find out why the dog can’t go near her child but is fine to be around your baby. Find out why they don’t go for Christmas and find out if MIL has ever subjected her to this onslaught of abuse.

Talk to your mother. Get her to come to you for Christmas and Boxing Day or you and your baby go to hers. Tell her about what you have put up with and how it makes you feel and ask her for her honest opinion of what she thinks you should do. You need someone on your side.

In all honesty you wouldn’t get me at your in laws for anything. If your partner wants to go let him, but there’s no need for you to go and DD stays with you at Christmas. I would be telling him that he needs to make a choice and start to back you and support you 100% or you will be packing his bags.
I’m really really sorry if I sound harsh - I dont mean to be. I’m just enraged on your behalf .

A tactic for dealing with their meanness, just pretend you don’t understand:

MIL: you’ve let yourself go
You: sorry?
MIL: you’re not looking so good today
You: sorry, I don’t know what you mean...

Hold the silence where you can, look puzzled. Keep saying ‘no, not really understanding what you’re getting at’ and similar phrases. If you practise you’ll get quite good at it and you’ll have them backtracking.

I agree that your issue is as much with your DP who is not challenging bad behaviour toward you. You can put your foot down though and there is no law that says you have to visit them at Christmas.

Thankyou for your replies, no never been a problem with sil not attending Xmas at in-laws house she has always " gone home " as they say to spend with family there has never been any issue with this and it's always been accepted.
As for whether I want to be with partner, I did, I wanted it to work, but I can't be with someone who makes me feel like I don't matter, like I'm worthless and allows me to feel the way I do, it's extremely sad I don't look forward to this Xmas ( thought I might this year seen as last one was completely ruined ) xx

Should also add dn ( other grandchild) isn't sil baby, dn mum has split from partners brother, not sure if that's relevant but when she said about dn not going near the dog they accepted and asked me to have the dog so they could have gc xx

I think them coming over tonight is a fabulous idea OP..Now give your head a shake and deal with it lady! Get them in hopefully they will start somehow and get angry,,Go spill your guts in front of the whole bloody lot of then DH included...Ask em why they feel the need to belittle you and run you down ,?,,ask em why they are so rude?ask them what exactly they get out of treating you like shit? and ask them what right they think they have in having a serious relationship with you and your daughter ? Tell them you are sick to death of the bloody dog situation as it puts you on edge...tell them you are sick to death of the snide inappropriate comments and your not having it anymore..either they shape up or ship out...Tell them you are staying at home and thats that...You have nothing to loose ,It will infact empower you ,,,they dont care they dont support you they are out to trouble cause so you might as well raise holy shit with them get it over and done with once and for all so you can have some peace in your life...they brought this on they started it now you finish it otherwise you will be on a hiding to nothing...I would also suggest to DP to buck his ideas up too ..either he supports you or he doesnt,,You have the power here use it, Big girl pants and take no shit ,,no more not ever from them,,,You can do this.Stop feeling sorry for yourself and anxious its not good for your dd ,,start getting mad and sort it ,,,Bet they wont expect you to answer back in a million years,in fact they know they can bully you cos you have let them or dp has,,,enough it stops and it stops today,,,Go on OP frighten them into submission,,,,You have nothing to loose and everything to gain...

Gosh. How dare your partner imply that marrying him is some sort of prize. He should be asking you if you would consider marrying him.

I never looked at it like it's a prize!! That's so true!! Xx

Don't go.

Bugger them and their little dog too.

They sound hideous. I hope your partner steps up.

Christmas is meant to be a time to enjoy, not to spend it with spiteful people who are so full of themselves they don't understand that sometimes their convenience is not the most important thing.

My MIL is lovely, but she wants us to stay overnight with a 1 year old baby in their house where there is no space, we would have to sleep on her bed and her on a mattress on the floor, it's cold (they have shitty heating which heats nothing) and they have damp, and on top of that no space for baby cot, where my baby hates sleeping anyways. She was upset I told her we will come back home in the evening and not staying over.

With babies, they are the priority, and if your PILs are nasty, then I would pop in for an hour or two max to see them and then leave.

Honestly if your partner wants you to go, I'd go for him assuming dog is shut away. I'd be very hurt if my my dh wouldn't visit my family with me.

Atalune

I think you’re being precious about the dog- is it snappy

she's already said its snappy!