Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boxing Day at the in-laws

84 replies

octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 13:38

Really need some advise on this, it's probably going to be long, around this time last year we ( partner, me and our 9 week old Dd ) got invited to mil's for Xmas, we politely declined and said we wanted Xmas in our own ( new ) home with our little baby also we was worried about our baby being near their dog, ( before I had my dd I always looked after their dog as she can be quite snappy and they were worried about the dog being around the other grandchild ) well... it turned quite nasty on their behalf mil called me ridiculous, told us how I ruined Xmas, told me the dog will categorically will not hurt my dd, this went on for days, we had Xmas at home but they were quite funny with me after Xmas right up until quite recent- some examples

  • bringing their dog over knowing I didn't want her near my baby
  • fil told me I'd let myself go
  • mil just generally making comments and digs every visit
Just general stuff done to wind me up I feel, even partner has said they're playing a massive game and their actions aren't normal. I've lost so much confidence from it all. When they come to visit I get very anxious and usually ends in a bad headache, So this year we've been invited Boxing Day bit because I feel my very first Xmas as mummy ( ttc over 3 years ) was completely spoilt, I don't want to go there, it's only been this past week that the comments have lessened I want Xmas to not be stressful I want to be in my own home ( my mum will come over and stay which I'm really looking forward to ) I don't want to go there, my dd is only one and doesn't understand to leave the dog alone, and if they put her in another room she always gets out and I think it's cruel to shut her away, so would I be unreasonable not to go? Partner wants to go still even if me and dd don't xx
OP posts:
Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 16:48

The proposal comment really upset me, we've just got a mortgage together and Dd was only months old, possible I had abit of post natal depression at that time too dd

OP posts:
Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 16:48

Xx not dd

OP posts:
Yabbers · 17/12/2018 16:48

I simply say nope, not coming. Also tell them their dog is not welcome in your home. You absolutely have the right to want to protect your child from a perceived danger and if they don't like it - tough.

We had a situation where our DD was at risk of infection when she came home and refused to visit relatives who had cats because they refused to take it seriously.

If your partner is "punishing you" for not cow-towing to his mother, you really need to sort that out.

Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 16:58

His going to speak to her tonight about it and I'm so on edge 😩

OP posts:
Twisique · 17/12/2018 17:29

So why do they think its ok for their dog to snap at your DD but protect the other grandchildren?

I would not be going, but I would be happy for my partner to go for the afternoon (without dd). Make up your mind and stick to it. I would re-access next year if they have been respectful, maybe a pub lunch.

I would also not be marrying dp any time soon, he doesn't sound as if her 100% has your back. I would wait a few years and see how he does. His comments about proposing were nasty and manipulative.

Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 18:00

That's what I thought, why is one granddaughter protected more than the other!!
No chance of a proposal me and partner haven't been right since all this happened xx

OP posts:
Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 18:43

Also your right he doesn't back me 100% xx

OP posts:
Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 17/12/2018 23:42

So tonight I've had a text from mil saying please come Boxing Day and that I'll be missed, also told me how sad my partner seemed tonight, any suggestions as to what to say back, laying in bed and yet again feeling on edge xx

OP posts:
Fewminmostly · 18/12/2018 00:05

MIL has just laid a massive guilt trip. Poor DH. Poor us. Not taken any responsibility for their actions. I'd have a very frank and open discussion/text and lay it all on the line. Doesn't sound like you have much to lose- they don't respect you as is anyway. Life is too short and time is too precious to waste on toxic people.

Peakypolly · 18/12/2018 00:13

Could you invite PIL to your home ? No dog and you will be directing the day on your own turf.
You are having your DM staying,so they may feel confused about being excluded from their GC/DS life.

Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 18/12/2018 06:41

You've said it exactly how it is!! Poor us!! That's how it always is!! Last Xmas it was very " Octoberbaby has ruined Xmas and my family is falling apart " never mind what that did to me and partner!!
They are always welcome at mine, but I feel that's down to partner to sort out, as far as the leaving them out of dd part, if that's how they feel that's down to how they've acted, I've involved them in so much of her life, I've even had to have that dreaded conversation that no one wants to have because I felt they treated my dd different to their other grandchild, ie favoured dn more, they have made so many not so nice comments that when they leave I get a major stress headache, and end up so upset over it yet still allow them to come over whenever they like, I don't want to upset anyone but it seems that it doesn't matter how I feel to them xx

OP posts:
Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 18/12/2018 07:22

Now partner has gone on the defensive " course they want you there, your family "

OP posts:
Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 18/12/2018 10:04

Hopeful bump xx

OP posts:
Elphie54 · 18/12/2018 10:11

No. Families don’t treat each other this way. Let him go on his own.

Some nerve of him to call you family when he won’t propose to you.

FaithFrank · 18/12/2018 10:43

course they want you there

They want you there so they can pretend everything is ok and they have not done anything wrong. It's all about appearances. As you say, they don't care about you or your feelings.

Family or not, you deserve to be treated with respect.

ConkerGame · 18/12/2018 10:56

I think you have a DP problem. The reason your in laws how fallen out with you rather than with him is because he has let you be the bad guy.

He should be the one telling them that the dog can’t be near the baby, he should be the one telling them off when they make rude comments about you and he should be the one asking them to apologise to you now. But instead he seems to stick up for them and their unreasonable behaviour!

I would have a long, serious discussion with DP about how he needs to act like a life partner and a father.

Doobigetta · 18/12/2018 11:06

Marriage is not a reward for obeying your mother in law! Not a reward you want, anyway.

Twisique · 18/12/2018 18:37

I would just forward everything to your partner and then do exactly what you want. If you don't want to go this year then don't. If you don't feel its safe then it is not safe, trust your instincts. He can deal with their tantrums and you can have the Christmas you want.

MrsStrowman · 18/12/2018 18:53

Hmmmm last year they were unreasonable, but your anxiety and insecurities are making this worse for you. To be hurt because they said the other son's new GF is pretty is a bit much, so what if she is that's no reflection on you. MIL is trying to show you they would like you there, make sure your DC is not near the dog, and see her text as an olive branch and go. You say she made digs and comments but you're not specific about what was actually said and can you be sure they were negative or if you just interpreted them that way as you are on edge and feel insecure? The more you build this up in your head the harder it will be to get past. What your DP said about the proposal is unacceptable and frankly a cop out, if he ever read actually going to propose, it sounds more like something hurtful to say but it's certainly not his mother's fault.

Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 19/12/2018 10:48

Thankyou for your replies, some things to really think about, they have never got funny or anything because bil partner has never been to their house for Xmas and that's never been a problem, I've been with partner 8 years and spent Xmas day there 6 years in a row and not once has she been there, I mean surely when you have your own babies you have a right to have Xmas in your own home if you want too!! Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 19/12/2018 17:41

Should have added that bil has been with sil longer than me and partner xx

OP posts:
Twisique · 20/12/2018 07:34

You are right!

RayRayBidet · 20/12/2018 07:42

I gave up worrying about the in laws and what they think of me a long time ago.
It's very liberating.
If you don't want to go, don't. You are an adult and you can make your own decisions.
I would reply to her text and say "you don't like me, so I'm not sure why you want me to come."

Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 20/12/2018 08:27

How do you mean I'm right ? Xx

OP posts:
PirateWeasel · 20/12/2018 08:45

Sorry if I missed this in one of your posts but what did you do for Christmas before your daughter arrived? What about your parents? If I were you I'd be working out a schedule with your partner - maybe Christmas Day alone one year then the next year with your family then the next year with his family... That way you only have one year in three to put up with them! But your partner needs to deal with his side of the family, it's not up to you to wrangle them. Just tell him what you're prepared to do and let him worry about the fallout from them. And you need to have a chat with him about that proposal thing. You just don't use marriage as a carrot on a stick to get someone to do what you want!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.