Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remind everyone you don’t have to alternate Christmas?

84 replies

RhiWrites · 17/12/2018 13:21

I see so many posts from people who have got locked into a cycle of Christmas with parents one year and in-laws the next, so every year involves travelling.

I used to do this too but then I introduced a three year cycle. Parents, in-laws, home. I really enjoy all three kinds of Christmas that much more knowing one in three is focused on our traditions in our own home.

If you’re struggling with pleasing everyone then consider that travelling isn’t obligatory. Set up a new cycle now and prepare the way to have the kind of Xmas you want. Xmas Smile

OP posts:
1Redacted1 · 17/12/2018 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YahBasic · 17/12/2018 13:23

When we have kids, we are going to invoke the three year rule, as long as we can afford flights to Australia Grin

We always had Christmases at home as a child, and it was lovely.

FrostyMoanyWind · 17/12/2018 13:26

Or you be antisocial like us, one year cycle of home. Open any other day for visits, but Christmas Day itself is DH, me and DC alone. That way neither side can complain of favouritism.

FrazzyAndFrumpled · 17/12/2018 13:26

Yep, three year thing here too. Although the ‘home’ year always ends up with us “doing the rounds” to see all of DP’s family who live locally on Christmas morning anyway 🙄

FrankIncensed · 17/12/2018 13:27

I agree, I used to have to spend Christmases driving between my parents (divorced) and DH parents. DH drinks and I don't so it was always me driving as well. A few years ago I said fuck it I am fed up of always being on other people's terms. Now my mum and Stepdad and I take it in turns to visit each other Christmas Eve or a day or two before, my PIL (local) alternate Boxing Day with us. My Dad and his wife feel they are far too important to leave their home over the Christmas period so we sometimes see them between Christmas and New Year, sometimes don't, but eh.

geekone · 17/12/2018 13:28

We have a we stay at home every year cycle and we invite 2 of the three in laws for Christmas every second year, however if they don’t want to come we understand. We stopped travelling 12 years ago pre child and didn’t even invite anyone for Christmas until 3 Christmas’s ago. Do Christmas your own way I will miss my DS when he is old enough and doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me but I will completely understand (and start going to the Bahamas maybe Grin).

geekone · 17/12/2018 13:30

That should be 2 of the 3 sets of grandparents

ShatnersWig · 17/12/2018 13:33

YABsortofU because grown adults ought to be able to work that out for themselves. The amount of stress people put themselves under over Christmas is a nonsense

Blacktoffeecat · 17/12/2018 13:33

We’re lucky that both sides are local so we have everyone to ours every year. No staying over, arrive at 11 and leave at 6.

MaMaMaMySharona · 17/12/2018 13:35

I am dreading trying to work out the Christmas rota once I'm married (next year!)

At the moment, my DM and DB live in the south, these are my only family members. My DP has a huge family who all live in the North East. He loves going home for Christmas so I'd never dream of asking him to come to mine, however I would also hate to leave my DM and DB alone at Christmas.

My DM has been invited to the north for a big family get together, but she has 4 dogs who can't be accommodated easily up there, and she also wouldn't really want to leave them. URGH.

We've been together 5 years and I am sick of not spending Christmas with him though!

NewishMum85 · 17/12/2018 13:39

We just do Christmas at home and see relatives before and after. We're vegan so I think everyone's happier if we do our own thing for the Christmas meal!

SaucyJack · 17/12/2018 13:45

Yeah- we stay at home all the time now (did have PILs last year).

Not had any complaints yet. TBH I think most people would be quite happy to sack off the pressure and guilt, and stay at home in their jimjams.

I don’t really know anyone that actually enjoys the big family Xmas. It’s just that we’re all too polite to say so.

Thentherewascake · 17/12/2018 13:45

You don't have to do Christmas anything!

Unless we can manage to go on holidays, we spend mainly Christmas at home. If my parents fancy it that year, they come and stay for a week or so. We see in-laws at some point between boxing day and new year's day when we are available.

Before we had kids, we always worked anyway, so didn't really have a family Christmas that often.

I don't understand why people feel they must spend Christmas with relatives if they don't want to. The only thing I will ask my kids is to decide early enough in the year so I can make alternative plans if they are not around.

5foot5 · 17/12/2018 13:47

When we first married we were keen to avoid getting locked in any kind of cycle so we had our first Christmas in our own home, just the two of us. Other years we went to PIL or invited them or my Mum to come and stay with us.

But once we had DD (who is now 23) we never, ever had Christmas anywhere but our own home and family were invited to us. My DM is no longer with us but PIL have been coming to stay with us for the last 20+years. And that's fine honestly.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/12/2018 13:47

My parents are split, both have partners and my DP's parents are split and they also have partners.

Christmas is a nightmare.

amusedbush · 17/12/2018 13:49

We're both really antisocial plus stubborn, so won't be railroaded or guilted into anything Grin

We travel to my parents' neck of the woods (an hour away) and go out for dinner with them and my brother the weekend before Christmas. Christmas day is just us and the dog, and then we see FIL around the 27th. He only lives a ten minute walk away so we don't need to commit to any firm plans, we are all quite flexible about it.

Snowwontbelong · 17/12/2018 13:50

Every year reminds me I am still happy with our decision to be nc with both sets of dps!... Can't imagine dragging dc to see miserable /tight /grabby /ils and dps.
Not to mention mahoosive ddogs they all seem to have!

wheneverythinggoestitsup · 17/12/2018 13:50

@SaucyJack
I don’t really know anyone that actually enjoys the big family Xmas. It’s just that we’re all too polite to say so.

I do Xmas Smile !
I could think of nothing worse for me than having Christmas dinner with just my husband and kids. I LOVE the big family Christmas dinner. We alternate where it is and take turns, but the more the merrier in my opinion.

DeepanKrispanEven · 17/12/2018 13:52

When we were first married, we looked at all our friends who had miserable Christmases driving between relatives and ordained that we were never going anywhere on Christmas Day. We would usually go and stay with DH's family for a day or two before or afterwards, and would visit my parents who live much nearer on something like Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, but the day itself was sacrosanct. They all accepted it like lambs and our Christmases were and are lovely.

Selfishness is definitely the way to go!

Thentherewascake · 17/12/2018 13:56

I don’t really know anyone that actually enjoys the big family Xmas.

I do, but when it's a choice, not a chore!
There has been years when my parents and sisters came to stay for several days with all their families, all the kids loved it and the adults had a fantastic time. Other years, someone is going away, or we are busy, or just want a quiet private Christmas. Some years we all go to my parents and it's another great holiday.

The whole point is not to feel like you must do anything. It's only one day, people put too much pressure on Christmas. Some years we have a big summer gathering instead a few months later, it works just as well.

DioVelazquez · 17/12/2018 13:56

I do!
I LOVE the big family Christmas dinner. We alternate where it is and take turns, but the more the merrier in my opinion.

Me too! The more people there are, the more fun it is!

Fluffiest · 17/12/2018 13:59

I always thought that we would do Christmas at home every year with just DH and DC. But then I married DH who is the only son of a single mum. She is a wonderful lady and its worth changing my set idea of Christmas to include her in our plans. We alternate so that we go to hers one year and the other year at home, and she comes to us. My DP live ten minutes away and we see them all the time. DMIL lives across the sea so time with her is more precious.

I think everyone's circumstances are so different that no hard and fast rule works but yes, staying at home is an option.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 17/12/2018 14:00

Right up until a few years ago we cycled between my parents and the ILs, until one year when everything went so horrendously badly that I put my foot down. We now have a day around Christmas with each (well just ILs now but that's a whole other story), but Christmas Day is ours alone. ILs are local and welcome to pop over but usually just give the DC a phonecall instead.

One day my DC may feel similarly to me, and I'll just have to accept it and book a cruise

chopc · 17/12/2018 14:01

So those who want to have Christmas as a nuclear family - you would be equality happy to potentially be left alone by your adult kids wanting to spend Christmas with their own nuclear family? Hope you won't end up a widow .......

drspouse · 17/12/2018 14:03

We also have a one year cycle (in our house, with just us).
My PIL are dead but my DM always invites my DB/SIL and my DNs to stay and then occasionally she vaguely intimates that maybe we could come too.. but there's nowhere for us to stay...

(I don't want to spend Christmas with my DM and my DB's family, unless I can pick and choose - I could invite my DN1 and my DF to stay, as they will both amuse the DCs while the other family members prefer to sit behind a book/tablet/not be patient with the DCs/tell one DC they are better than the others. But should we wish to, we can't).