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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To remind everyone you don’t have to alternate Christmas?

84 replies

RhiWrites · 17/12/2018 13:21

I see so many posts from people who have got locked into a cycle of Christmas with parents one year and in-laws the next, so every year involves travelling.

I used to do this too but then I introduced a three year cycle. Parents, in-laws, home. I really enjoy all three kinds of Christmas that much more knowing one in three is focused on our traditions in our own home.

If you’re struggling with pleasing everyone then consider that travelling isn’t obligatory. Set up a new cycle now and prepare the way to have the kind of Xmas you want.

OP posts:

minisoksmakehardwork · 17/12/2018 14:04

Dd2's first Xmas ended up with us having bil pop by in the morning for a couple of hours, then visiting both sets of grandparents either side of their dinner times before finally coming home and having our own dinner.

I swore we'd never do it again as dd1 (9 months at the time) ended up so tired and cranky from being passed around and having things thrust at her.

Ever since Christmas has been in our own home with visiting on days either side. It's much more relaxed and with 2 Sen children it makes it easier on everyone.

Dh occasionally has to work the core days and sometimes we have pil over. They are coming this year, and their well meant but irritating tendency to tidy aside, it is always a pleasure hosting them.

foxtiger · 17/12/2018 14:04

chopc We've never spent Christmas with either set of parents and they've never shown any sign of wanting us to (although we get on well with all of them). It's just not a thing in our family. I hope our DC will one day have family or friends of their own and will be happy to do their own thing. I won't mind them staying the day with us while they're they're single, but I don't ever want them to feel obliged to.

drspouse · 17/12/2018 14:04

So those who want to have Christmas as a nuclear family - you would be equality happy to potentially be left alone by your adult kids wanting to spend Christmas with their own nuclear family?

I'd happily spend Christmas with my DM if a) she invited us first i.e. not as an afterthought and made it plain that there were beds for us, for a change and b) she didn't go on about how good my DD is and how awful my DS is and c) she made some kind of effort to play with the DCs.

amusedbush · 17/12/2018 14:07

So those who want to have Christmas as a nuclear family - you would be equality happy to potentially be left alone by your adult kids wanting to spend Christmas with their own nuclear family?

No worries there - I have zero intention of having children

Thentherewascake · 17/12/2018 14:08

you would be equality happy to potentially be left alone by your adult kids wanting to spend Christmas with their own nuclear family?

I am sure that will happen, my poor kids won't be made to feel they MUST spend Christmas with me every single year. They might be working for all I know.

What I do ask them is to give me enough warning. You need to leave people enough time to book a holiday or make other arrangements if they don't have to host.

whiteonesugar · 17/12/2018 14:09

We never do. In the 10 years we've been living together we have only had Christmas away from our home twice. Once was because we went away for Christmas and the other was when family were over from Oz and the whole of the family spent 4 days in a B&B.

The rest of the time we stay at our house, usually my dad and brother come over, but we dont alternate, we dont go running around on christmas day. We treat the whole period as 'Christmas' and see people on the other days. MUCH easier

BrieAndChilli · 17/12/2018 14:09

or be like us.
Since me and DH have been together we havnt had a christmas the same!!!
we've done
Christmas at his mums a couple of times
Christmas just us 2 a couple of times
Christmas backpacking thailand with his Dad not doing anything christmassy
Christmas with kids at his mums at a couple of times
Christmas with kids at his mums but staying in a holiday apartment
Chrismas at my family staying at me nans house
Christmas at home with kids and his dad
Christmas at home with kids, my sister and nephew
Christmas at home with kids, his mum and sister
Christmas at home with kids
Christmas at home with kids but going to our friends parents for lunch
Christmas at home with kids, his mum and sister and boyfriend, my sister, partner and niece and nephew (all staying) and hi dad popping in for lunch.

So we've never really done the same xmas twice and no one can hold us to the fact that its there turn!! also helps that i no longer speak to my mum!!
This way we just do what we want for christmas and no one minds!

Bishalisha · 17/12/2018 14:10

I have also invoked this as my husband simply can not say no to his family!

Kescilly · 17/12/2018 14:11

Does anyone have any suggestions for bringing this up with the in-laws? We have gone to their house every year and I've been happy to do it. We spend Christmas Eve through Boxing Day with them. But by next Christmas we will have a baby and I'd like to start spending Christmas at home.

Should I bring it up soon, or wait until next year to say something?

Dragon3 · 17/12/2018 14:13

The travelling and expectations got so stressful that we started staying at home. Anyone who wants to come to us is very welcome.

If my DC decided to go nuclear family for Christmas I'd remind myself of how stressful it can be to travel with young DC. Then I'd get on with my own plans.

AlpacaPicnic · 17/12/2018 14:14

So those who want to have Christmas as a nuclear family - you would be equality happy to potentially be left alone by your adult kids wanting to spend Christmas with their own nuclear family?

I can't think of anything worse then people only spending time with me through a sense of obligation, not through their choice... I'm happy that my family all feel the same way and no emotional blackmail is done.

Dragon3 · 17/12/2018 14:15

Keskilly I think that it would be kind to mention it as soon as possible.

thaegumathteth · 17/12/2018 14:16

I’d love to do this but my mum would be alone if we did. My brother and sister both leave it to me. Frustrating but there we are.

We don’t see MiL anymore at Christmas because of past ‘issues’ of her cancelling hosting on Christmas Eve after shops have shut.

SaucyJack · 17/12/2018 14:17

“ you would be equality happy to potentially be left alone by your adult kids wanting to spend Christmas with their own nuclear family?“

Who knows what’ll happen in the future? shrugs

Obviously, I have every intention of being the kind of pleasant and supportive company that my children will still want to keep as adults, but I expect my own mother had those intentions too- and that’s certainly not the way it’s turned out for us.

Just see what happens when we’re old I guess. If I do go sour, then hopefully the kids will have the guts to sack me off.

Thentherewascake · 17/12/2018 14:17

Kescilly

I would wait until Spring summer to let them know. Your in-laws might be reasonable parents, or might sulk and you don't want to spoil Christmas. Spring summer is early enough, but you also need to speak with your DH.

ShesABelter · 17/12/2018 14:18

We are just going to implement that this year. We stayed at home for the first time ever last year and we all loved it. So wanted to do the same this year but the guilt set in and we have decided to do the same as you. I'm already looking forward to staying at home in 2020 😂

Notacluethisxmas · 17/12/2018 14:19

We used to do it at home. Everyone invited.

If they came, they came. If they didn't, they didn't. As long as we knew before hand.

Some years it was just me, stbexh and the kids. Some years, my parents and his parents. Sometimes just my parents came or his.

I don't do running around at Christmas anymore. We did it for a while and get fed up.

minisoksmakehardwork · 17/12/2018 14:22

@Kescilly - mention it as soon as possible so you can reinforce it if the subject comes up during the year.

"We're having Xmas at home this year"

"Don't forget we won't be coming this year"

"No, we want to be at home"

It's up to you whether you have visitors on the day or visit either side of the day. No doubt everyone will want a piece of baby's first Christmas but honestly, baby of any age will end up grumpy and tired so they may as well be in their familiar, home environment. Which also means if you fancy wearing pjs or whatever for the day instead of dressing up, you can.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 17/12/2018 14:22

We used to do the 3yr rota at Christmas, but now we spend The Day at home, just DH, myself and the children. We live many miles away from family so we can't pop in or spend part of the day with them. We see both families around Christmas time; it spreads out things for the kids too.

So those who want to have Christmas as a nuclear family - you would be equality happy to potentially be left alone by your adult kids wanting to spend Christmas with their own nuclear family?

Absolutely. I most certainly would not expect to be included in their Christmas Day plans. I would of course like to see them during the festive season (as we do our families) but no pressure to be with them on Christmas Day. I am more than happy to book to go out, stay in, go away on holiday, accept another invitation!

CountessVonBoobs · 17/12/2018 14:24

I like travelling and seeing the extended family. I don't want to have to host, clean, cook or plan the dinner.

Smurfybubbles · 17/12/2018 14:25

I love a big family Christmas but now alternate with DH's family. So quiet as it's just his DM and DF, we have a DS now that will liven things up but I will sorely miss the chaos of my own family. I'd love to be selfish and speak my mind but it wouldn't be fair to my DH.

OlennasWimple · 17/12/2018 14:26

YANBU to say that there's no obligation to alternate...but YABU to suggest setting up a 3 year cycle instead!

We have always said that we will make a decision based on the situation each year: it can make a huge difference when Christmas Day actually falls / who has just had a new baby / who has moved house during the year / who is ill and unable to travel themselves / school and sport commitments (particularly as the DC get older).....

MiL still talks about "my turn", though, so even having had this policy for 16 years she still obviously hasn't got the message . But I highly recommend this approach - don't get trapped into a cycle of commitments that you don't want or don't feel that you can change

Peachydream · 17/12/2018 14:26

We do the 'No Cycle' approach - something different ever year. ( No DC's, so I understand this makes a difference).

Having watched my lovely SiL being dragged from pilar to post- DP & I actively decided we would not get drawn into a routine.

Going away to a little cottage with friends this year & have pre-agreed no gifts, no stress & low key. We are bringing the booze and sundries, they are doing food.

minisoksmakehardwork · 17/12/2018 14:28

@chopc, dh and I are quite content with either ourselves or each other for company so if our 4 children choose to spend their adult christmases doing their own thing, I will be pleased that we have raised them to be able to tell us that, rather than having us because they feel obliged to.

I'm not going to say I wouldn't miss them being around. But part of being a parent means we raise our children to be good adults who can have independent lives of their own.

Oysterbabe · 17/12/2018 14:28

While the kids are little and believe in santa then we will let them wake up at home Christmas morning. I don't mind people coming here but I'm not faffing around trying to secretly load their presents in the car, which would be impossible given how little space there is when we go anywhere.

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