To remind everyone you don’t have to alternate Christmas?

[RhiWrites]

I see so many posts from people who have got locked into a cycle of Christmas with parents one year and in-laws the next, so every year involves travelling.

I used to do this too but then I introduced a three year cycle. Parents, in-laws, home. I really enjoy all three kinds of Christmas that much more knowing one in three is focused on our traditions in our own home.

If you’re struggling with pleasing everyone then consider that travelling isn’t obligatory. Set up a new cycle now and prepare the way to have the kind of Xmas you want.

We always stay at home for the morning and lunch, and then my parents and siblings come over at around three for family presents, a games evening and a party tea. We have PIL over on the 23rd or Boxing Day, depending on how my DH’s time off work falls during the week. Some might see this as unfair, but I have a big family who can only all meet up on Christmas Day due to working hours which is why we see them all then, whereas DH is an only child with very little family and his parents can do any date around Christmas. It’s just the way it has worked out.

Or you be antisocial like us, one year cycle of home. Open any other day for visits,

We do this. The compromise is that I’m happy to host. My logic being, you let them all in and then chuck them out at the end of the day.
Wverybodys welcome but my house, my rules. Any arguing or unpleasantness and you’re out and won’t be invited back.
Everybody has to bring something (so this year I’m doing starter and main, DF booze, DSis pudding and nibbles)

We don’t host every year. Some years we stay just us, some maybe one family memeber depending on what other people want to do. There’s no pressure or guilt tripping to have to see eachother. One year we went away, just me and DH (pre-kids) and it was wonderful!

So those who want to have Christmas as a nuclear family - you would be equality happy to potentially be left alone by your adult kids wanting to spend Christmas with their own nuclear family?

I’d absolutely be fine with this. Christmas to us is taking it easy and having time for ourselves to think about the year gone and the year ahead. Some of the beat Christmas’ we’ve had alone and I’d not begrudge my adult children that. If I were a uninvited widow I’d probably go on holiday!

@Kescilly You need to get your DP/DH in agreement, that's key as it's his parents and best to get him to speak to them. I would start talking about next year early (but after this year). That's what we agreed anyway.

We were doing alternate years with my parents and in-laws. When oldest DC was born we saw in-laws that year (she was only 5mo), then next year with my family (so DD was 1yo), then we had a year at home. We repeated for the next two years, then we were at home again and we've stayed at home for Christmas Eve night & Christmas Day ever since.

To be honest, the best year was our first year at home with a 2yo. She decorated the tree and was much more aware something special was happening, plus she ate a full Christmas dinner and could open her presents etc. The first two years with family were actually nothing special for DD as she was so young and had pretty much no idea what was happening. So you have time to soften things if you want to. It was important for us not to unduly upset family so we had a longer lead up to being at home while the children are little.

We do the one year cycle too. Home.

We do however have an open house policy though. So everyone is welcome at ours so long as they let me know before turkey ordering day. We have 15 extra this year, 1 family member and the rest are all friends without family close by. We might have to sit on each others laps but it'll be fun.

My husband told me that when his sons were 2 & 4 they seemed to spend half of Xmas driving between relatives rather than enjoying themselves.

They announced, no drama, that all grandparents were welcome anytime, but they’d do Xmas at home whilst the children were young.

Sorted.

I hope that when my daughter is grown up, she will:

• want to see me (at hers, at mine), and that we see each other enough that one day is neither here nor there
• will know that I’ll love her just as much whatever she chooses to do
• never sees me out of duty or guilt

I don’t care if I spend Xmas alone - have done for last 5 years, her father (my XH) has much more local family.

I don’t want her on a 4 year cycle to include my divorce (5 year, if she gets together with someone divorced?!)

I want her to do what makes her happy, and I hope we’ll have the kind of relationship where that means there is no drama or difficulty for her whatsoever.

Hear hear op!

Expat here. Regularly spent one Christmas in one country, NY in another country and UK in between. Especially as DC often break up for school on 23rd or even 24th here which meant travelling was often nightmarish. I eventually put my foot down and said it was time to establish our own traditions here (much to my late pil's displeasure who couldn't see anyone else's point of view but their own) but everyone was welcome! The downside to that is we often have loads of guests but better than the alternative I think, particularly if you have young DC (which we don't now) but we are all much happier for it. We travel in the summer or at Easter instead.

We always spend Xmas at home but go to parent in law sometime either after Xmas or over the New Year, always for 2 days. My parents both dead, but we do travel down to see my sisters for a day or 2 and my adult dd comes to us for a day usually week before Xmas and I make Xmas dinner and we exchange gifts and pull crackers. We also host my youngest sister and her family for 3 days. Very busy but love this time of the year. Before my parents died we used to travel up to parent in law Xmas eve driving 160 miles, then come home 2 or 3 days later then host sister for 3 days then travel down 160 miles to see my parents for New Year. It used to feel like a lot of Xmas was spent on the motorway. Don't be afraid to stay at home and let others visit you especially when children small and just want to play with their toys.

I have always found that leaving the country is the best option!

We host every year - love it!

Happy to have everyone who wants to come to us, we prefer not to travel as too many animals to get care for. They come Christmas Day morning and leave late afternoon Boxing Day. Then we have the rest of the time on our own. It varies from 6-12 people as our families aren't large.

It's all adults though, no DC so very civilised.

We spend Christmas at home, just us, because (to quote DP) "It's our best chance of getting a decent lunch". None of his family can cook, and after spending Christmas day at his mum's one year, we actually came home hungry!

My DP's are dead and my DB is a recluse with MH problems. Our house isn't big enough to invite more than 4 people, his family is huge (18 in total, with siblings plus partners and children) so we don't want to risk causing offence by inviting some and not others, and his DS always goes to his mother's.

We usually see plenty of them over the holiday one way or the other, we just try and avoid seeing them all at once. That many people all under one roof, especially when 3 of them are very raucous and badly behaved children, is just too much stress, tbh.

One year, when one of his siblings had a massive house with a kitchen/diner the size of the Tower Ballroom, she hosted everyone and we did all the cooking. It was lovely, because there was room for everyone to spread out, but in any normal-sized house it would have been hell.

I host they either travel to us (always) or do their own thing (never). I occasionally threaten to go away/eat out but really I quite like the busy chaos one day a year. The rest of the year I'd happily never see anyone

We’re expats with divorced parents on both sides so Christmas could be a nightmare. However, we instigated and early Christmas with DM, DMIL and their partners/husbands the first weekend in December. This coincides with a lot of Christmas markets and Santa Claus parades here so always lots to see and do which then leaves them free to spend Christmas in other places with other siblings. Every second year DFIL hosts all DHs family (about 15 of us in all) so we usually try to make that as its great fun and the kids get to spend time with their cousins who they don’t see very often. In between we have Christmas at home, anyone who is free and is willing to travel is welcome to join. This year DFIL, DSIL ans her girlfriend are coming for a few days of skiing prior to and including Christmas. Will be lovely. I’ve already finished work til Jan 7th so no stress at all.

After a few tense Christmas days at my parents when my eldest was born, I opted to host Christmas from then. Everyone is welcome, welcome to drop in to eat and go, just drop in to say hello or to stay a week!

I love cooking and do a lot of pre prep so my Christmas Day is fairly chilled. And I cook enough to feed an army so that works too.

We had 14 one year. That was the year of borrowing trestle tables .

As long as there is wine and hot food all is well.

If I were you I'd host, open invite with rough numbers known and open the wine. It's the children's day, it's their time to rip open presents and eat chocolate and scatter their toys wherever they want to play. Adults can fit in around them for the day.

After a few tense Christmas days at my parents when my eldest was born, I opted to host Christmas from then. Everyone is welcome, welcome to drop in to eat and go, just drop in to say hello or to stay a week!

I love cooking and do a lot of pre prep so my Christmas Day is fairly chilled. And I cook enough to feed an army so that works too.

We had 14 one year. That was the year of borrowing trestle tables .

As long as there is wine and hot food all is well.

If I were you I'd host, open invite with rough numbers known and open the wine. It's the children's day, it's their time to rip open presents and eat chocolate and scatter their toys wherever they want to play. Adults can fit in around them for the day.

Last year DM went to DSis (normal routine), DMiL was at home 230 miles away with other family members, DFiL was at other family members 250 miles away in another direction. The year before DMiL and DFiL both came to us and DM went to DSis as normal.

This year, there is no DM, we no longer live where we did and are now just 20 miles from DMiL and still approximately 250 miles from DFiL. I no longer work having just moved to a new county and DH is also not working due to the move. We are going to a golf club for dinner and will see DGC and DSS on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. I’m not ready to make Christmas Day about other people after a difficult year so we decided to do our own thing just the 2 of us!!

Last year DM went to DSis (normal routine), DMiL was at home 230 miles away with other family members, DFiL was at other family members 250 miles away in another direction. The year before DMiL and DFiL both came to us and DM went to DSis as normal.

This year, there is no DM, we no longer live where we did and are now just 20 miles from DMiL and still approximately 250 miles from DFiL. I no longer work having just moved to a new county and DH is also not working due to the move. We are going to a golf club for dinner and will see DGC and DSS on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. I’m not ready to make Christmas Day about other people after a difficult year so we decided to do our own thing just the 2 of us!!

I don’t get it either; but each to their own.

My parents attitude was you’re always welcome, but once you get your own home/ children surely you want to be making your own traditions?

I think it’s because of this easy attitude that most of my sibs & and their DHs/DPs vote to go to her most years.

There’s no hard and fast rules other than Mum is made sit down after dinner and does no clearing up. Oh and at some point most of us will sit ‘round the table and play a game of some sort, when the DN’s were younger it would be a board game now it’s more likely to be cards.

But if you want to slope off and have a nap mid afternoon, or sit and read, or go for a walk no one will take offence.

Both my parents and DH's lived locally so we would alternate visiting one for lunch, then the other around tea time.

I was trying to remember at what point we started to be the hosts ourselves but have just realised it must have been when DH's mom died so we always had his dad so he wasn't alone. My parents would then join us either for lunch or in the evening, depending on whether my brother was in the area.

After many years of hosting family this year will be just DH, DS and me, although will do brief visit to parents now in care home, unable to travel.

Thanks all! I was trying to log on from my laptop to tag people in replies but it’s not cooperating.

I don’t think my ILs would be that upset but it’s hard to say. They certainly wouldn’t be mean about it but I don’t want to leave them disappointed either because they are such nice people. We will let them know that they are welcome to come here of course.

I’m worried that it might come up over Christmas and we will need to say something on the spot!

I can see what you are saying op, but could you honestly leave an elderly widowed person on their own on Christmas day?
Its easy when you are in your 30s/40s to say oh I wont put any pressure on my children to have me for Christmas. I will have a relaxed day at home/visit friends/go on holiday etc.
But when you are in your 80's a lot of your friends are dead, you can't afford a holiday and you may not have many relatives, wouldn't you feel really sad if your adult children didn't visit/invite you?

Fairy that's exactly what I was getting at ........

when we are in our 80s though our kids will be grown up so it wont be as complicated to include elderly people in the plans.

I used to be that person that felt I should be responsible for other people’s happiness. After all, the feeling would be returned right? After a while, I realised that all that was happening was that I was expected to be making people happy (because I’d set that precedent) and nobody felt responsible for mine. And I was miserable, when everybody else was happy.

So I mentally said ‘fuck that shit’ and now I’m responsible for mine and my children’s happiness only and life is much, much, easier. It’s taken some time but everybody else has followed suit and we all rub along just fine.

In short, I’d never make myself responsible for other people’s happiness again and I certainly don’t expect others to do that for me, least of all my kids, children or grown because it’s a crap road to travel.

Since I had my son, Christmas has either been just the 3 of us, or the 4 (DSS)

Its been made fairly simple for us, with DP not having any family and my family all being shift workers for various industries so Christmas was never about the day, but when we could all get together.

For the last 5 years we have spent xmas day dashing from one set of parents to the other, this year sadly my mum died and I have decided im just doing it anymore. Invited pil to us to see the dc in the morning then over to my dad and sibs in the afternoon / evening..