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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Violent Ex telling me he's in hospital

87 replies

thelaststraw123 · 17/12/2018 01:11

Ok, back story...

I split with violent ex after he tried to strangle me. I'm now living in a refuge and trying to be NC with him.

He's contacted me tonight saying he's been rushed to hospital as he can't breathe and he's scared he's going to die.

Told me he loves me and that he's sorry.

AIBU to just ignore it cos I feel it's another game to reel me back in?

OP posts:
Bowlofbabelfish · 17/12/2018 01:14

Of course you ignore it. He’s in hospital, he’s in the safest place he can be, being treated. YOU are in the safest place you can be too. Stay there.
Hope things improve for you. Be strong - keep the NC

orangesandlemmings · 17/12/2018 01:16

Yeah definitely ignore it

You can't stop him from dying by replying

You can stop him from manipulating you any further by ignoring it

He won't be dying

ShovingLeopard · 17/12/2018 01:16

Ignore, ignore, ignore. He is no longer your concern. You owe him nothing.

HirplesWithHaggis · 17/12/2018 01:18

Yanbu to ignore. He's not your problem.

user1473878824 · 17/12/2018 01:18

IGNOOOOOOOOORE.

Weezol · 17/12/2018 01:22

Please block his number. That will make NC a whole lot easier for you. He's trying to suck you back in - don't fall for it.

Original poster
thelaststraw123 · 17/12/2018 01:26

Just when I think I'm getting my life back on track he's derailed it again.

I have his number blocked he texted me from his "dads"

I know I shouldn't care, but there's a small part of me that still loves him.

So I'm now edgy and anxious as hell and am not going to be able to sleep.

Great!! He's such a wanker!!

OP posts:
Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 17/12/2018 01:27

"he can't breathe and he's scared he's going to die" - now he knows what it feels like when someone tries to strangle you.
Very sorry for your current situation - hope you get somewhere decent/permanent soon - especially if you have DC.
Try to remain completely NC. Block all forms of contact.
Don't believe he's sorry - the next incident could be worse.
Flowers

liqorice · 17/12/2018 01:31

They all do this love.

It was probably on purpose because he did something to himself

He's well enough to text you - he isn't going to die

Original poster
thelaststraw123 · 17/12/2018 01:32

@Otterseatpuffinsdontthey
I hadn't made that connection, thanks for putting it in that context. It's strangely helped.

I know deep down I shouldn't respond and I'm trying not to. Going to try and chill for a bit and then go to bed

OP posts:
moredoll · 17/12/2018 01:33

He's out of your life now. For a reason. Ignore him.

HestiaParthenos · 17/12/2018 01:33

If he can still text, he clearly feels pretty good.

I am hardly able to write a necessary mail to cancel a meeting with a friend on my comfy computer keyboard if I have a bad headache, I can't imagine someone with a life threatening problem would be able, or willing, to text on a phone.

ReanimatedSGB · 17/12/2018 01:35

Ignore ignore ignore. Unfortunately he won't die. They are never so obliging as to actually fucking die, even though the world can easily spare them.

HirplesWithHaggis · 17/12/2018 01:36

Do you know he actually is in hospital? Easy enough to lie, just to upset you.

If you really feel you can't totally ignore, can you call the hospital to check he's there/how he is, if it would help you sleep?

agnurse · 17/12/2018 01:40

A sick abuser is still an abuser. It's even possible he made the whole thing up as a ploy to get back together.

Ignore.

Weezol · 17/12/2018 01:50

If his dad is letting ex use his phone to contact you, you need to block him too - it might be wise to block his entire family or change to a new number.

You've done so well to get to a refuge. You need to build yourself a 'mental refuge' too so that you can recover. Counselling will help you do this and give you tools you can use to build yourself back up.

Keep on keeping on! Flowers

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 17/12/2018 01:54

Can I just point out to you that if he literally couldn't breath and was at risk of dying he would be incapable of texting you to tell you.

He would be in an emergency situation with trained professionals working to save his life.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2018 01:58

He's lying and trying manipulate you. Please don't fall for his bullshit. Get back with him and the next time he strangles you he'll kill you. Don't even think about responding to him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/12/2018 02:02

now he knows what it feels like when someone tries to strangle you.

100% this.

And I bet when you were struggling to breathe and thought you were going to die, you werent texting people about it.

What a fucking cunt.

Although I have to admit that part of me would want to text back exactly that....but I am a "hit send in haste, regret at leisure" person, so I wouldnt recommend you do it!

Good for you on getting away. I am out of my abusive marriage, but like you there is still part of me that loves him and I am finding it very hard. It would be so easy to go back, but I wont. As a HP fan I channel my inner Dumbledore "We will all face a choice between what is right and what is easy...." Sounds daft but it does help stop me from doing the easy thing and brushing it under the carpet, again.

LittlePaintBox · 17/12/2018 02:07

Go completely NC with him - this means you block his dad, and anyone else close enough to him to let him use their phone to contact you.

It's absolutely not your problem if he's in hospital. You know he's trying to manipulate you - don't fall for it.

pissedonatrain · 17/12/2018 02:08

He wasn't worried about you dying when he was hurting you was he?

Ignore and block his dad. Change your number. Save your kind feelings for people who deserve it like abandoned animals or sick children etc.

HestiaParthenos · 17/12/2018 02:09

Tempting as it may be to tell him he now knows what it feels like, stick to no contact.

Any response from you will only encourage him.

Elphie54 · 17/12/2018 02:12

If you are living in a refugee it may actually be against the rules for you to contact him and risk you being sent out/away. Our DV shelters have very very very strict rules. Contact wtb the abuser is a huge no-no and result in immediate termination of residency in the shelter. (If you return contact or initiate it, if they keep harassing you but you don’t respond that is different).

Jamiefraserskilt · 17/12/2018 02:12

Whether he is in or out, on deaths door or not, when he chose to choke you, he lost the right to have any relationship with you. You will care, it is natural but it is also a chink that can be exploited and exploit it he will.
Don't respond. It will have the desired effect. However, imaginary text a response in your head that sums up the current status and mentally send it...
"Thanks for letting me know. Not sure why though as you are no longer part of my new life. Your regret may have had more impact were it not prompted by your own fear of dying - ironic eh? I have moved on. I would advise you to do the same. Do not contact me again".
Then consider that closed and start living your new life free of fear and abuse.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 17/12/2018 02:30

I was going to say exactly what Elphie54 said. You are in a refuge - you shouldn't be having any contact with him whatsoever. Replying to his text in any way would be taking a massive backwards step. Please don't do that.

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