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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I don't need to plan my family around BIL's?!

128 replies

mistletoeandwine86 · 16/12/2018 21:04

DS has just turned 2. I am pregnant again with DC2 due in May. BIL and SIL are due with their first baby in Jan.

DH has just got back from seeing them today, DS and I were going to go to but DS has chickenpox. DH told me that him and BIL argued a little because they were/ are still a bit put out that I got pregnant again quite quickly after they announced SIL was pregnant.

We were actually already ttc for DC2 when they announced their pregnancy. I was certainly not going to just stop ttc just because they announced they were having a baby. I actually made a comment about how nice it will be that the babies/cousins a few weeks ago. It never occurred to me that it would be a problem or they would feel this way. Xmas Shock But apparently they waited until our DS was 1 before they started ttc!

So were we BU??

OP posts:
kateandme · 18/12/2018 03:19

trust me if this Is how they parent then their kids will be compared by g-parents for soooo many other reasons

Italiangreyhound · 18/12/2018 03:20

mistletoeandwine86 YADNBU.

It sounds like your BIL and SIL are being a bit crazy.

Just smile and say all these babies and kids will be loved and wanted, hopefully healthy and will arrive when they are ready.

Having experienced some fertility issues myself I think it is crazy for a couple expecting a longed for baby to resent another couples baby.

Just smile sweetly and ignore this madness.

Congratulations.

Banana8080 · 18/12/2018 03:33

Wow they are insecure, and a bit weird.

agnurse · 18/12/2018 03:35

My grandparents have an adorable photo of them with their grandchildren. (This was before the year of the 5 babies.) There had been four babies that year, I think. They simply lined up all the babies in their car seats in front of the altar at the church, with the other kids clustered around them, and my grandparents on either side of the altar.

Huntawaymama · 18/12/2018 03:37

My Mil considers herself so lucky, she's got 5 dgc so far from her 3 children, they're 3, 2, 1, 9m and 6m. It's lovely for us all having then pretty close. Waiting for us all on take turns would mean I'd only just be "allowed" to ttc DD2 now. People are crazy

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/12/2018 03:40

Ah PFB syndrome. You really should be far more understanding of the fact that they are the first people in the world to have a baby!

Ignore now and laugh in a year.

justilou1 · 18/12/2018 03:55

FFS! Easy fix - don't hang around them. Tell them why. You don't want to steal their limelight. What a weird, narcissistic world we live in these days. Why can't they just think positive and focus on how nice it is to have cousins so close together?

PS - My cousin and I are 17 days apart and are like twins. (In a good way - He and I are still besties at 46 years old.)

SleepPerChanceToDream · 18/12/2018 05:04

My SIL did something similar. DH and I had told his brother and sister in person, brother went home and told his fiancé. She sent me a text, no congratulations, just "heard your news, you kept that quiet". But then she does like to tell anyone who will listen how much sex her and her DH have, so I guess in her world we should have announced that we were ttc.

On the day I gave birth, she came to the hospital, announced she was pregnant, then broke down in tears when she saw my newborn DS and wailed "I hope my baby looks like yours" 🙄

RumerGodden · 18/12/2018 05:20

My batshit SIL had been trying to conceive for a while (with disordered eating and excessive exercising until she stopped her periods, can't imagine why she thought that would work). When we mentioned we were trying, she went on fertility drugs and deliberately overdosed to speed things up.....conceived multiples! Bonkers. Still didn't quite manage to spit out the first grandkids much to her disgust (can't believe it's a race!). It's been non stop lunacy ever since.

Slapdasherie · 18/12/2018 05:36

My SIL once claimed that my DS was not the first grandchild because she had had an ectopic pregnancy before he was born.

Bitter crazy siblings can make anything a competition.

floribunda18 · 18/12/2018 06:05

I have a nephew same age as DD2 and it is brilliant if they get on. It's like having another sibling.

chipsnmayo · 18/12/2018 06:15

Sort of similar but my SIL was so pissed off with me because I had my DD two days before her twins sons birthday and said I stole the limelight and I could have changed it because I was planning to be induced!

footballmum · 18/12/2018 06:22

Two of my nephews were born a week apart. They went to the same schools and even now, at 19 years old, are best friends. In fact they’re more like brothers than cousins. I think it’s lovely (although their parents disagree when they both come rolling in pissed up Grin)!

VictoriaBun · 18/12/2018 06:25

My sil and her husband announced they were expecting their 3rd whilst the family had gathered at our house to meet our first baby. Whilst I felt this was done to knock a bit of limelight off the occasion it didn't bother us at all. In fact, I felt a bit smug that she was jealous enough of the occasion to choose to announce it at that time.

EmUntitled · 18/12/2018 06:41

I had a slight flash of this when I was pregnant. PIL already had 4 granddaughters and said a few times how they would like a grandson. We were pregnant with our first baby (a girl) when SIL was pregnant with her third. When they found out it was a boy I was a bit upset as I thought the grandparents would like him better.

Obviously I never said anything to her and after the babies were born there was no favouritism at all, so clearly I was being crazy! We hardly ever see them though, even though they only live in the next town, which is a shame because it would have been nice for the cousins to be close.

MsSquiz · 18/12/2018 06:42

My SIL announced to family that she is pregnant (very early, 3rd IVF round) last week and then rang DH to ask if I was "ok with her news as she knows we are TTC?"

We aren't TTC in terms of anything other than having unprotected sex (no ovulation kits, temp taking, etc) so the fact that she thinks I wouldn't be pleased for her and really annoyed me.

All she wants in the world is a baby - why would it make me sad that (hopefully) this round goes full term?!

To me, it just smacks of competition from their side

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 18/12/2018 06:48

Not quite the same but:

When I told my family I was pregnant with DC1, my own sister could barely hide her disgust. She felt she should have had the first child because she deserved it and I didn't. I'm the elder sibling and was in my 30s at that point, thankfully my DF told her to do one and that I couldn't wait forever whilst she wasn't even in a relationship with someone - sadly my mother agreed with sister.

DC1 turned out to be DD. That cheered sister up as DF has always wanted a boy in the family, so she'd have the first boy. You guessed it, I had DS 20 months later and she went off the rails mad. DF delighted, mother happy but still thinking my sister should have had her turn - not that she was in a relationship by that point either.

DS is 6 now, sister still has no DC and I'm now not able to have any more thanks to surgery. Good job I didn't wait.

Some people are nuts.

LivLemler · 18/12/2018 06:52

MsSquiz to me that sounds like she found baby news tough when TTC and was trying to be sensitive to the fact that you may be feeling similar. It sounds kind, in other words.

MsSquiz · 18/12/2018 08:04

@LivLemler she was judging me by her own situation - late 30s, struggling to conceive, relationship issues, previous IVF rounds.

She couldn't bring herself to even text her cousin to congratulate on their pregnancy as she was "too bitter" towards them for being pregnant again.

While I can't even begin to understand how it must feel to be in that position, I do understand (as much as I can) but we are not in the same situation.

She only knows we have started TTC because she outright asked DH if we were! We have a very fraught (sp?) relationship st the best of times so, to me, it's competition wrapped up in consideration

LivLemler · 18/12/2018 08:13

MsSquiz I just don't think it's so crazy of her to have judged you by her own standards. It's not my situation, but if someone close to me was late 30s, had mentioned wanting children and openly admitted TTC, I'd allow for the possibility that they were further along the TTC road than they'd said and be a bit sensitive about baby news.

DrWhy · 18/12/2018 08:24

DS and his cousin were due 12 weeks apart, I told SIL when I was 8 weeks pregnant so she either started trying the moment I told her in a deliberate attempt to steal the limelight - or much more likely (and sanely) was already TTC. She may have been peeved we got there first but if she was she didn’t show it and I certainly didn’t feel upstaged when she announced she was pregnant - it’s lovely having cousins so close in age although we live a long way apart. You SIL sounds crazy!

MsSquiz · 18/12/2018 08:56

@LivLemler I appreciate that, but she knows where we are at because she outright asked DH (her brother) she has never once mentioned anything about TTC (her or me) with me. We don't often see each other or talk to each other so for her to be suddenly concerned about my feelings is a stretch.

Our relationship has had more downs than ups and there has been no consideration about other things so the sudden change is odd. If we were close, I would understand it.

Pumperknickel · 18/12/2018 09:18

Both my sisters were engaged before I met DH and I got married first. Then my sisters the next two years after. I had a baby around the last wedding and then the two sisters had a baby the following in that order, so three weddings and three babies in 3.5 years.. As far as I know, no one cared about order, certainly no one waited - there's 10 months and 7 months between due dates!
It did take individual shine of weddings as you could never just discuss yours but wer family, each others happiness is important too

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 18/12/2018 09:33

My sil and bil announced they were expecting the day I gave birth. I was over the moon for them and it never crossed my mind to be annoyed. All the cousins get in great and it's fab that they can all play together. Some people are nuts

HestiaParthenos · 18/12/2018 12:54

Such behavious make me wonder how far we really are from those cultures where women must give birth to a son to gain some social prestige.

Do women in the UK get pregnant and give birth for the prestige of it, for the being fawned over and envied, or has civilisation moved to a place where people have children because they genuinely want to be parents? Hmm

I would understand them wanting to space births in the extended family if you shared childcare, as to not have two newborns at the same time, but I don't think that's very common.

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