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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not be able to forgive family for this?

78 replies

rosesandrhorns · 16/12/2018 12:44

I've posted before and I won't re hash everything but for years I've cared alone for my gran who is 96 with dementia.
Aunt lives in Australia but hasn't visited in 4 years.
She calls twice a week.
My anxiety is severe now and depression.
2 years ago my aunt said her phone was broken and if I tried to ring I wouldn't be able to get through,she told me not to worry she would go to her local shopping centre and call from there.
When she was ringing the line seemed clearer than normal.
After a couple of weeks (not sure why ) I called 1471 and it was her UK mobile number.
She was in Leeds and had been there for 2 weeks as her mother in law was going into care home so she went with her husband to help him sort it out.
I never told her I knew as I felt stupid.
She continued with the pretence of being in AUS but she was a hour away down the motorway.
In the mean time my gran was taken into hospital with broken ankle.
She still didn't come.
She went home after a month and to this day doesn't realise I knew.
I can't forgive her for this as I was desperate for a break and she was a hour away.
Could you forgive?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 16/12/2018 12:48

Yes, this does sound similar to a previous thread.

Pachyderm1 · 16/12/2018 12:48

I couldn’t, no, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this Flowers

Original poster
rosesandrhorns · 16/12/2018 12:49

Like I said I have posted before

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 16/12/2018 12:52

Her living in Aus, gives you the opportunity to not forgive her.

I had to forgive my Aunt, when she treated my Nan similarly, but only lived in Wales. It would have made Family get-together (she'd turn up for a Party), to awkward.

I didn't speak to her at my Mother's funeral and thankfully now don't have to see her, because she's too elderly to travel.

Slipperboots · 16/12/2018 12:53

You need to tell her you know! And then cut her off. What’s the point of her ringing, she’s obvs not interested.

Confusedbeetle · 16/12/2018 12:55

Cut her and tell her why

Stumps66 · 16/12/2018 12:55

Is it her Mum? I don’t know what to say. Bearing grudges is only harmful to you, but what she has done is awful. I wondered why you felt you couldn’t tackle her about it when you knew she was in the uk, I’m sure you had your reasons. Perhaps ask yourself if you have anything to lose by writing her a letter and telling her what you know, and how hard you are finding it and how you feel, perhaps without recrimination, but simply to make her fully fully aware. She may be in Australia, but she has a level of responsibility- might she pay for a carer to help you both? Ask yourself what do I want? And Really keep asking until you find out. Then take action. Be kind to yourself, move forward, focus on You and your needs rather than to forgive or not- look forward xx

WhatsUpHun · 16/12/2018 12:55

Why didnt you say anything? why would you feel stupid?

they're a bunch of cunts (a bouquet?)

what do you get from forgiving / not forgiving? I would go LC and let her get on with whats important to her. Maybe dont be around when she phones etc?

Puggles123 · 16/12/2018 12:56

Maybe she has her reasons and felt she wouldn’t be able to reason with you. Not excusing her behaviour, but have you spoken to her about it and made it clear you know she was in the country?

Boredspice · 16/12/2018 12:56

I would tell her that whilst I appreciate she was helping her husband with his mum, it was wrong to lie to you for two weeks. It would be the lying that got me because it shows she knew she should have visited. I would tell her I was hurt and struggling. Then I would let it and her go. If she is remorseful etc then perhaps she has a decent explanation. Perhaps she isn’t being honest about how difficult her own circumstances are. Or she is just a selfish witch. I’d ask her otherwise the resentment will bubble away.

Boredspice · 16/12/2018 12:59

Just realised she lied for a month. Regardless of her own circumstances I would say most people could have visited at least once in that time.

Cheerbear23 · 16/12/2018 12:59

I would ask her why she did that. It’s too big to ignore. Is there a big back story to this though?

FoxFoxSierra · 16/12/2018 12:59

I swear I've read this exact thread about a grandad with dementia

Didiusfalco · 16/12/2018 13:03

I’ve seen your other posts. Of course you have every right to feel furious, but you need to take back control. My slightly older gran, who has no money but her state pension is in a lovely nursing home. My mum is not sacrificing her own retirement to look after her - you need to look after yourself, this Aunt and your other family don’t care, they are not worth your time.

Original poster
rosesandrhorns · 16/12/2018 13:06

Her mother in law was in hospital so got moved from there to the care home so it's not even like she was helping care for her.
There's no backstory to it,she just doesn't want the bother.
(Have changed locations etc just incase anyone I knows..dynamics are still the same tho she's daughter and I'm granddaughter )

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandrhorns · 16/12/2018 13:07

*incase anyone knows me on here

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandrhorns · 16/12/2018 13:08

A whole month she kept up with the charade.
I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be In that position where she knows I know and how awkward it would become.
After my mum died I honestly thought she would be there for me.
Fool to think an aunt could care.

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 16/12/2018 13:14

YANBU - however, "not forgiving" seems to be causing you some problems and having absolutely no impact on your Aunt - so I wonder if you might prefer to work out what actions or thought processes on your part might enable you to move on from this past deception?

AnoukSpirit · 16/12/2018 13:14

I think whether or not you forgive her pales into insignificance compared to the greater issues here.

Have you acted on any of the previous excellent advice you had in terms of getting appropriate care and support in place and recovering your own life?

Unless your ability to forgive or not is the barrier standing between you and acting on all that advice, why is that what you're focusing on?

Nothing is going to get better until you do something different. Forgiving or not is irrelevant. It won't change your circumstances.

If there are barriers in the way of you acting on the advice you had before, then talk to us about them so we can help you remove them and enable you to act on that advice. Otherwise, as unfair as this situation is, it will not change.

So, what is preventing you from acting? Let us help with that this time.

gobbynorthernbird · 16/12/2018 13:14

OP, you've had a number of threads now where you don't seem to take advice. Your Grandma would probably be better off in a care home. Stop wasting energy being angry at your aunt, and stop martyring yourself.

HolesinTheSoles · 16/12/2018 13:15

I wouldn't forgive her. I'd tell her that you know (and you've told all mutual friends and family if any) and that as she's so selfish you want nothing more to do with her. What a cow.

Original poster
rosesandrhorns · 16/12/2018 13:16

I've contacted social services and I've decided after the year will have to move into care home as I can't do it anymore.
I'm snappy all the time.
I'm drained from it but my aunt won't come over to sort the house out so that's gonna be my job too.
Sometimes I wish she would just go to sleep and not wake up so it's just over (does that sound awful?)
I just need it to be over now.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandrhorns · 16/12/2018 13:17

The reason I've did this for so long is because she is like a mum to me and has been a mum since I was 14 when mine died.
I feel like I'm loosing my mum again ..so keeping here hear (even the state she was in ) she's still here with me ..and that was better than not having her.

OP posts:
Sooveritg · 16/12/2018 13:25

That's not a nice thing to say.

Sooveritg · 16/12/2018 13:26

You say the state she was in. Where is she now

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