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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not be able to forgive family for this?

78 replies

rosesandrhorns · 16/12/2018 12:44

I've posted before and I won't re hash everything but for years I've cared alone for my gran who is 96 with dementia.
Aunt lives in Australia but hasn't visited in 4 years.
She calls twice a week.
My anxiety is severe now and depression.
2 years ago my aunt said her phone was broken and if I tried to ring I wouldn't be able to get through,she told me not to worry she would go to her local shopping centre and call from there.
When she was ringing the line seemed clearer than normal.
After a couple of weeks (not sure why ) I called 1471 and it was her UK mobile number.
She was in Leeds and had been there for 2 weeks as her mother in law was going into care home so she went with her husband to help him sort it out.
I never told her I knew as I felt stupid.
She continued with the pretence of being in AUS but she was a hour away down the motorway.
In the mean time my gran was taken into hospital with broken ankle.
She still didn't come.
She went home after a month and to this day doesn't realise I knew.
I can't forgive her for this as I was desperate for a break and she was a hour away.
Could you forgive?

OP posts:
cansu · 16/12/2018 13:27

I remember your last thread. You need to stay resolute and insist she is taken into a care home. Whilst she is like a mum, the fact is that she is not your responsibility and you are going to have to get out your hard hat when dealing with social care. I would give social care your aunt's address and contact numbers. I would also send her a registered letter informing her that your gran will be going into a care home and that she will need to liaise with social care.

eliolip · 16/12/2018 13:33

What a nasty thing to say

pinkwintersky · 16/12/2018 13:36

Of course it is ok to wish your Gran would pass peacefully. Dementia is called the long goodbye for a reason. It is okay to feel the time has come for her to pass and for you to be able to move on. And to have a chance to rest yourself. You have done a wonderful thing looking after her. Of course it has exhausted you emotionally and physically and mentally.

When my mum was at home with my brother (she had dementia too) I would give respite for a few days. And even in just those few days it was exhausting. You can never relax. You always have to have your wits about you. And it is emotionally draining to see someone you love so incapable and disappearing. I don't think you can imagine it until you have experienced it. And I haven't experienced the burden of caring that you have.
It sounds like you have a lot of your own grief to deal with. I hope when your Gran goes into a home you have the space to deal with that.
Your Aunt is a selfish coward.
I hope you are able to build a great life for yourself when your Gran is in a home. You deserve to.

AnoukSpirit · 16/12/2018 13:38

Is the care home move definitely set up and happening?

I feel like I'm loosing my mum again ..so keeping here hear (even the state she was in ) she's still here with me ..and that was better than not having her.

Whilst I was a bit older than you when my parent died, I very much felt similarly when my grandparents later died. I'm telling you this because when somebody else told me the same when I was going through it it helped me to stop beating myself up for grieving their losses in the way I was.

So, if it's any comfort at all, how you're feeling is natural. It's also survivable. It really is.

And I truly am sorry you've had such distressing and traumatic experiences so young, which is why I feel so strongly that you need to take care of yourself so your future can contain more happiness.

pinkwintersky · 16/12/2018 13:39

On a practical note, you say you will have to sort the house out. Will you be able to stay in it whilst your sort yourself out? My brother is staying in my mum's home now she is in a carehome. If I were you I would stay there if you can.

Rudgie47 · 16/12/2018 13:39

Ops clearly at the end of her tether, its very very hard caring for someone with no support.
You need to stay focussed Op and get your grandma into a care home.
You have had loads of advise about this and you need to focus on yourself now. Forget Aunty.
I would never acknowledge her ever again and go NC. At the end of the day its her mother that shes not bothered with.

Beatitudes · 16/12/2018 13:39

Not a nasty thing to say at all. Completely understandable in the circumstances. No one can understand unless they've experienced similar. Thanksfor you OP

ilovesooty · 16/12/2018 13:41

pinkwintersky great post.

gracielooloo · 16/12/2018 13:41

Eliolip, can you not tell the OP is at the end of her tether, I think she means she would like to see her Gran pass peacefully rather than dragging on as they are now.
She realises her Gran is not going to get better, until you have been in her shoes let’s not dump even more guilt on her shoulders.

CheshireChat · 16/12/2018 13:44

I get why you helped your aunt, but why on earth would you sort out the house?!

Witchofzog · 16/12/2018 13:45

All of those judging the op. Seriously just fuck off. Do any of you have any idea what it is like caring 24 7, watching the person who is physically still there but gone as a person? Being exhausted? Having no life of your own? Wanting children of your own and watching time pass knowing every year means there is less chance this will happen for you. Thank goodness there are posters on here like @pinkwintersky who can articulate this better than I can and who actually understands.

Op you are doing the right thing and you have every right to be angry at your aunt. I would wait until the house is sorted and you feel stronger before you say anything to her. Is the house a council or housing association property? If it is they might need a quick turn around so is there anyone who can help with this?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/12/2018 13:45

I've contacted social services and I've decided after the year will have to move into care home as I can't do it anymore

Can I ask how far you've got in organising this? I remember your previous threads well and thought that, last time, a SS visit was imminent and that your gran would have been in a home by now

It's true that your aunt's behaving extremely badly, but forgiving her or not is neither here nor there. She's doing it because she knows you'll pick up the pieces and the only person who can change that is you

turnipsaretheonlyveg · 16/12/2018 13:46

Wishing people a peaceful death isn't nasty, it is caring.
OP try to keep looking after yourself as well as your gran.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2018 13:48

OP, it's not a nasty thing to say, it's a natural thing to think when someone is nearly at the end of their life and has so much going on, especially dementia.
I know my Dad used to think the same when his mother was towards the end - he tried and tried to keep her at home because she swore she wouldn't die in a hospital, but in the end he had no choice because she caught a chest infection and was taken into hospital. The hospital doctors themselves said they wouldn't treat it aggressively (she was 95) and let nature take its course, while they kept her comfortable. This is exactly what happened, and she died in hospital. The only comfort my Dad could take from that was she didn't know she was in hospital, she was too far gone.

I hope you can get some respite and some help with her but it seems very unlikely that your aunt will offer you anything other than phonecalls - very difficult for you to have realised she was in the UK and still didn't come to see you, let alone her own mother. :(

Rudgie47 · 16/12/2018 13:49

Have you actually given Adult Services a date regarding when you are stopping caring for your Grandma? If not you need to give them it in writing and get them to sign for it either in person or recorded delivery. It can take a long time to get things sorted out.

Original poster
rosesandrhorns · 16/12/2018 13:50

She wets herself every day now,she cry's and wishes she was with my grandad,she doesn't know day from night ..I just wish she wasn't suffering anymore,this isn't a life for her now.
She's tired.
Social services did a initial assessment and have gave me a care plan.
They've told me the council need to do a financial assessment and they've said I should start going to care homes and deciding where I think would be suitable as the waiting lists can be so long.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/12/2018 13:51

I would never acknowledge her ever again and go NC

You're absolutely right, but I wonder how easy that will be when it comes to the will

I can't remember from the many previous threads who gets any proceeds, who's the executor and so on, but if the aunt's getting anything at all you can bet she'll be there like a shot

GertrudeCB · 16/12/2018 13:52

Op I have lost 3 family members to dementia, it is not in any way a nasty thing to say, hoping for a peaceful end for someone you love. Shame on those saying otherwise.

Original poster
rosesandrhorns · 16/12/2018 13:52

She has no savings or anything.
Her house is rented from council.

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 16/12/2018 13:54

Tell them that's not your problem and that you are stopping doing it on X date. Otherwise you will be doing it forever. Tell them they will have to find an emergency bed for her because your not doing it. You have to be firm OP.

Original poster
rosesandrhorns · 16/12/2018 13:55

As she's getting worse she's getting more aggressive
I never thought it would be so hard.
10 years ago she got the first symptoms but it's the last two years that things have got really bad.
The stage we are now she can't walk without me holding her hand.
I wash her,dress her,put her on the toilet,wipe her down,make her meals,put her to bed.
I'm exhausted now
Mentally not physically
My anxiety is so bad I'm scared to go out.
I get a taxi to and from here because the panic is overwhelming.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/12/2018 13:56

(SS) said I should start going to care homes and deciding where I think would be suitable as the waiting lists can be so long

That sounds sensible advice; in fact it's basically what the countless posters on your threads have said

So can I ask if you've visited any yet?

Original poster
rosesandrhorns · 16/12/2018 14:00

I've visited 2.
The closest two to me.
Been told they are full and it's s case of waiting for someone to sadly pass or deteriorate and be moved to a nursing home.

OP posts:
PinkBuffalo · 16/12/2018 14:02

OP, this is a really crappy situation you are in, and I desperately sympathise with you as I have been in a similar situation and similar issues with so called family.
You urgently need some extra support for yourself before anything else.
For free, you can contact Carers UK who are also contactable via email. Drop them a line and tell them your situation.
Google "carers Support & your local area" and contact them also. Mine have been very good. They provide free respite and days out etc, and may even sort out some counselling for you if you feel ready for it. The most important thing though with my group, was my support worker linked to the charity would just let me cry down the phone.
I would advise you do both of these before everything closes for Xmas.
Flowers for you. It's an impossible situation and there is very little help out there. However the two suggestions I have made may just give you an outlet and help make a plan forward xx
PS I have also found social services to be completely pointless. It doesn't help x

FenellasRedVelvetDress · 16/12/2018 14:04

If I were you I would focus on getting gran into a care home and then focusing on sorting out your life .
To this end I would simply cut all communication with this wicked woman who is your aunt- you can decide if you want to let her know why you decided to do that at some point in the future when your own life and mental health are on a more settled footing.
You owe her nothing - absolutly nothing. She lied to you and let you down when you were in incredible need and she could have helped you - but she chose not to. So just cut her out , you have enough on your plate without worrying about this matter. Don’t explain, don’t answer any communications just cut her out of your life. Treat her with the same contempt she treat you.
And once you have gran sorted, be nice to yourself and give your mental health some much needed attention. You need some time to heal.

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