Aibu to not be able to forgive family for this?

[rosesandrhorns]

I've posted before and I won't re hash everything but for years I've cared alone for my gran who is 96 with dementia.
Aunt lives in Australia but hasn't visited in 4 years.
She calls twice a week.
My anxiety is severe now and depression.
2 years ago my aunt said her phone was broken and if I tried to ring I wouldn't be able to get through,she told me not to worry she would go to her local shopping centre and call from there.
When she was ringing the line seemed clearer than normal.
After a couple of weeks (not sure why ) I called 1471 and it was her UK mobile number.
She was in Leeds and had been there for 2 weeks as her mother in law was going into care home so she went with her husband to help him sort it out.
I never told her I knew as I felt stupid.
She continued with the pretence of being in AUS but she was a hour away down the motorway.
In the mean time my gran was taken into hospital with broken ankle.
She still didn't come.
She went home after a month and to this day doesn't realise I knew.
I can't forgive her for this as I was desperate for a break and she was a hour away.
Could you forgive?

Tell the aunt you want no further contact with her, and why. She's not going to be there for you whether you do or don't, so save yourself the heartache.

And I remember your previous threads. PLEASE get help via SS or whatever for your gran. You're not letting her down by involving other people. This is killing you.

OP, you deserve a life and need to look after your own health. You have received lots of sound advice from posters in your previous threads; and you now need to contact social services for help.

Just call and ask if they have any vacancies, you don't need to visit first.

You're at the end of your tether so if this is too much to sort out you have to tell SS that very very clearly. And follow it up in writing.

And get yourself to the GP to see what's available for you- ADs, anxiety meds or counseling.

And don't feel guilty, you've taken care of your gran while she recognised you and it mattered so much more.

it's s case of waiting for someone to sadly pass or deteriorate and be moved to a nursing home

Hang on, does that mean it's residential homes you've looked at as opposed to nursing homes?

If so, it seems a bit surprising from your description of her needs. Obviously you know her best, but isn't a nursing home what she actually requirs now - if only to avoid the upset of a move to one when she deteriorates further?

It was social services who said a care home would be ok.
She said the only main diff was a nursing home had registered nurses on site rather than just care assistants.

I've decided now I'm going to get through Christmas as best I can,give her a nice special Christmas at home then do the changes straight after.

In your aunt's defence she may not feel capable of providing care to someone with dementia. It isn't something everyone is capable of.

It was social services who said a care home would be ok

Fair enough; after all, they're the ones who did the assessment. There really are homes with beds out there, though ... here's a site where you can search for them; there's a map feature with a breakdown of areas below which can also help:

www.carehome.co.uk/care_search_results.cfm/searchcountry/England/searchchtype/bed-vacancies#map-view

Also a link to the CQC site where you can check the inspections for each home and get more info on exactly what they provide:

www.cqc.org.uk/search/services/care-homes?location=derby&latitude=&longitude=&sort=default&la=&distance=15&mode=html

All I've ever wanted from my aunty is help sorting things out.
A break from this.
Two years ago my gran could make a cup of tea ,wash herself etc and she still chose not to come up.

Without meaning to sound callous why? You are delaying the inevitable and something you have Already started.
You can still have a nice Christmas but it honestly sounds as if you need a proper break and she needs to be nursed properly. As far as I can remember you have written many conflicting threads about your nan and her situation- social services should be helping you both.

I could be harder for her seeing her mum turn into someone who doesn't remember her. I'd be pretty gutted if my DD made herself ill and ruined her life caring for me if I had dementia. I'm sure if your gran was in her right mind she would want you to be happy and have a life of your own.

What your aunt did was absolutely UNFORGIVEABLE!

Please get some help - both for yourself and for your gran. If SS think for one moment that you are coping, they'll leave you to flounder. You need to insist that you cannot manage anymore and that this is a crisis.

Never mind what your Aunt did - that is between her and her mother. It doesn't change anything for you. If you cannot cope and you need respite then you need to sort that out. Getting angry at your Aunt will just drain you more.

I am glad you are finally going to sort out a home for your Gran. Where are you going to live after that?

I have my own flat (well rented flat )

Never mind what your Aunt did - that is between her and her mother. It doesn't change anything for you.

Well, actually, it might have made a difference to the OP! She could have had a bit of respite from her caring responsibilities. Or the benefit of discussing her gran's care with someone else. That sort of thing is very valuable.

I think contacting carer's organisations is a good idea, as a previous poster said. I believe you are entitled to a carer's assessment in your own right. You may be able to get your Gran into respite care to give you a break.

Or maybe you could tell the carers organisations you were unable to carry on caring. They might be able to help advise you how to have this conversation with the council. THey may even be able to give you an advocate to speak on your behalf or support you. The council will have emergency beds that they purchase for situations where relatives are no longer able to care. My mum was put in one when she got a UTI and that made her needs to much for my mum. That ended up being a permanent place in a nice home.

sooveritg and eliolip
unless you have been in the OP's position of sole carer with no respite, dementia being particularly challenging, then you haven't a clue. If you cannot offer any sympathy, empathy, or basic compassion and you don't have any advice then your comments are unhelpful to say the least.
OP no I wouldn't have been okay with her not visiting her mum and I would have called her out on her barefaced lies. I am sorry you're still going through this.

If you have your own property to move into you do have the option of saying to the council that you will stop providing care on x date (in the near future: you could tell them you are moving out in days). They are able to organise a room in a care home for emergencies like these. They block purchase beds from care homes for exactly this reason.

Op, I mean this gently, but you owe it to your grandmother to do what's best for her now. She should not be living alone, it's not fair on her.

You need to stop focusing on your aunt and expecting help there. It's not coming, for whatever reason.

As per your previous threads. The advice remains th same, inform your gp you will no longer be caring for her and let the authorities step in and do what's right for her now.

Caring for some one with dementia is draining and has burnt you out, there is nothing wrong in what you have said at all about your gran, it's not nasty it's truthful. Watching someone disappear in front of you is just awful, grieving before someone dies is crushing. I have nursed people with severe dementia and they are aggressive and trapped in a living hell, the kindest thing you can do for your gran is to wish for her to pass. It sounds like you are burnt out and need a good long break, I think the sooner the better, phone social services and tell them you cannot cope any more. As harsh as it sounds, your gran would not want you to be in this state looking after her, Social services will string out a placement for as long as they can because you are the cheaper option to provide care.

I think what families do to care for their relatives is amazing, as for your aunt, be honest tell her you know, tell her you are in your knees with it all and that she needs to come back to help out.

Stay strong, stand up for what's best for you as well as your gran because you are doing your best right now but it is easier for careers as they don't have the emotional ties.

I remember your previous posts too. Although I thought it was your grandfather ?

When you did 1471 did a mobile number or a landlines number come up? The reason why I'm asking is that I recently called a UK mobile and the person answered but they had moved to America, and the ladies husband was a technical guy who had managed to figure out how to save money and call family etc in the UK using the UK mobile number.

As others have said, there will be emergency places available and your Gran could stay in one until a place becomes available at one of your preferred homes. If you reach a stage where you can't cope - and it sounds like you are very close to this - then tell social services that they need to organise her a place immediately. They are fobbing you off a bit here - yes, she might not get into her first choice home straight away but there will be spaces. She will also be able to have her needs assessed further once she's in one and it may turn out she does need a nursing home if she needs a lot of support.

I understand about you wanting to give your Gran a nice Christmas but you could still do that if she was in a care home. You could visit for the whole day if you wanted but you'd be able to leave at the end of the day knowing she was safe and you could go home to your bed and not worry about what she might get up to in the night.

Everytime you post it's the same Merry-Go-Round. They will be quite happy for you to wear yourself out physically and emotionally as her Carer until the Day she dies. On that very day they will miraculously become contactable, involved and very much present.

OP You will not get so much as a thank you as they wipe their boots on you as they rifle through her house for money or keepsakes. You will have given some of the best years of your life in martyrdom all so your relatives don't have to be bothered. Let her go into assisted care. It's time.

Thing is though a person being willing to martyr themselves for the sake of an unwell relative doesn't mean that other family members will want to do so.

Judging from the other threads and how long this has gone on for, not to mention other families I've seen in this situation, I don't blame them for not wanting to get sucked into this. Social services will only help when there are no family members willing to martyr themselves.

It's shit, there should be a healthy medium where family can do their best without becoming ill themselves and the relative can have their needs met but it really seems an all or nothing system.