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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my husband

78 replies

MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 13:25

On paper my husband is a ‘decent guy’, ‘ambitious’, ‘hard working’.. he’s nice enough to me day to day and to the kids.

I recently found out he has racked up secret debts into the thousands. He was vile to me every time I tried to talk to him about finances, until I finally threatened solicitors and he told me. There is no good reason for the debt, he’s always had loads of help from his dad with money, he’s just frittered it away. I wish I’d not let him take ownership but it was so stressful managing the money on my own when he is so bad with money, I really hoped he would step up.

We are meant to be working together to clear it, I’m taking on a weekend job. Previously I was a SAHM to two little ones but I’ve now found something I can do which doesn’t incur childcare costs.

But here’s the thing, he’s still got an expensive gym membership he NEVER uses and an expensive bike sat at his parents house he NEVER uses. I suggested selling it but he’s made no effort.

He’s away for a few days studying and I’m home with the kids. The anger is bubbling up, I feel like I HATE him. Is he just too completely stupid to manage money? Why is he doing a frigging degree when he should be learning common sense?!?!

AIBU? How can I manage these angry feelings and this situation?

OP posts:
DixieDarling1 · 15/12/2018 13:27

In all honesty I'd leave him. He sounds like an arse hole

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 13:31

Me and the kids live in a house his dad and uncle own, how would I get by on my own with a part time job, wouldn’t I be even worse off financially and more stressed?! Idk!

OP posts:
LimitIsUp · 15/12/2018 13:35

Big red flag - married to a man who runs up huge debts without you knowing. You would be better off without him, but I understand your circumstances make that difficult. I hope someone with more experience and some constructive advice comes along

Fontofnoknowledge · 15/12/2018 13:39

Do you pay rent or a mortgage to Dad and Uncle. ?

CardsforKittens · 15/12/2018 13:43

I would hate my partner too in those circumstances. Have you contacted Stepchange debt charity?They can help you get things sorted out.

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 13:45

I contacted someone about the debt but we have no problem paying it, that’s the frustrating thing, we have plenty of money and he’s just wasting it. We don’t pay any rent! But if they had to sell this house he couldn’t even pay rent on a flat now as he’s got so much debt!

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 15/12/2018 13:45

The lies would bother me more than the money - but yes, he needs a kick up the arse. Expensive gym memberships you DO use are a luxury when you’re thousands of pounds in debt, never mind ones you don’t.

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 13:46

I own a flat I rent out, i could move into it as the mortgage is low but I’d have to move the kids schools / nursery.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 13:48

I’m so angry, I’ve been so impatient and shouting at the kids, that’s getting me down alongside feeling so sad that he doesn’t care about me enough to fix this

OP posts:
Disquieted1 · 15/12/2018 13:58

You own a flat with a low mortgage, you're living rent free and in your words have plenty of money.
How big is this debt? Is it life-changing or a slow creep up of the overdraft till it's reached a couple of grand? It's not clear how significant it really is.

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 14:18

I know, we have it pretty good, we are not well off, we just don’t have a problem in being able to pay back the debt.

It’s thousands. It will take a few years to pay back unless he makes an effort to cut back. It could be done in a year if he did cut back (he won’t).
We then have to start from scratch to save to buy our own place.
I scrimped and saved to buy my flat before we met and I hate sponging off family and being in debt.
Maybe it’s just my pride and I should just not worry about it so much. I can’t understand why he doesn’t want to stand on his own two feet, it’s like he thinks money grows on trees.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 14:20

Maybe I’m still stuck feeling like I have to panic over money as I always have done in my past when I struggled, perhaps it’s not as much of a big deal as I feel it is idk

OP posts:
grimupnorth1 · 15/12/2018 14:22

Sounds like he's being a total dick to be honest.

I got myself into a lot of debt in my late teens and early 20s and have always been open and honest with my DH about my money troubles. As a married couple with kids, it's so important to know exactly where you stand financially. If he doesn't deal with it now, it will only get worse and you'll find that as you're married, you could be at risk of losing everything yourself.

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 14:25

Grimupnorth1 how are you with money now? He was bailed out of debt at that age too. If it was me I’d never want that to happen again but it’s life he can’t / won’t stop himself. That worries me for the future as he is setting up as a consultant so will have to manage his own business’s money soon as well as his personal finances!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 14:26

*like he can’t

OP posts:
BabySharkAteMyHamster · 15/12/2018 14:34

How much is coming into the house every week ??

You need to write it down then write out all outgoings.

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 14:41

We have done a budget now, he’s finally agreed to. Previously he said he didn’t want me analysing ‘how much he spent on coffees’. He says sticking it so it’s not getting any worse at least. I guess I’m fixated on this gym thing and bike as my earnings will only just cover this and that makes me so cross!!!

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 15/12/2018 14:51

He needs to cancel the gym membership - he doesn't use it so it is simply wasted money which is ridiculous whether you at in debt or not!

Whatever you do, hang into your flat because you might need it (for you and the kids to live in!).

What did you do workwise before you had children? Can you look into getting back into that it something else? Again, thinking longer term here, you may need that cushion.

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 14:56

Thank you. Maybe I should look to buy a place nearer here for schools.

I travelled a lot for my job as a Buying Manager so had to give it up. Although I could find something with less travel. My new job is minimum wage but has career progression to Paramedic long term.

OP posts:
ILoveAllRainbows · 15/12/2018 14:56

You need to take control of all the household finances and give him an allowance until all the debt is paid off.

He has proved that he can't manage money. He has responsibilites now. He cannot just spend money like it grows on trees.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/12/2018 14:59

I would be thinking seriously about separating from this prick. He's already making his debt your problem, and he will still be the one who somehow magically gets treats, because he expects you to pick up the slack. He will cast you as mean and miserable and insists that he 'deserves' nice things because he 'works hard'. If you have somewhere you could live with DC and a job with career progression, it would probably be best to work steadily towards moving out of the house and leaving his family to keep on bailing him out.

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 15:01

He now has much of the money tied up in a business account, the salary he pays himself just covers everything. It’s complicated and I don’t have access to it. I actually don’t know how to enforce any of this without leaving him as I’ve tried all other ways to ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 15:05

Reanimated thanks. I’m gutted if that’s the case as I don’t want the kids to have to go through that (or me!) but I think you’re 100% right in how you’ve summed it up sadly

OP posts:
missperegrinespeculiar · 15/12/2018 15:10

Gosh, I understand your frustration, he has so many advantages! I mean, living rent free, some people can only dream that! if he was managing money sensibly you could be setting yourselves up for life, and instead he is wasting it all!

AnoukSpirit · 15/12/2018 15:19

He has the money in a business account and you have no access... on top of all the debts and everything else you've described.

I know you'll probably rail against me for saying it, but you're describing financial abuse. I'm not saying he's a monster - people who abuse aren't monsters - but this is financial abuse.

Separating would be short term pain to protect you and the DC from much worse longer term pain.

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