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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my husband

78 replies

MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 13:25

On paper my husband is a ‘decent guy’, ‘ambitious’, ‘hard working’.. he’s nice enough to me day to day and to the kids.

I recently found out he has racked up secret debts into the thousands. He was vile to me every time I tried to talk to him about finances, until I finally threatened solicitors and he told me. There is no good reason for the debt, he’s always had loads of help from his dad with money, he’s just frittered it away. I wish I’d not let him take ownership but it was so stressful managing the money on my own when he is so bad with money, I really hoped he would step up.

We are meant to be working together to clear it, I’m taking on a weekend job. Previously I was a SAHM to two little ones but I’ve now found something I can do which doesn’t incur childcare costs.

But here’s the thing, he’s still got an expensive gym membership he NEVER uses and an expensive bike sat at his parents house he NEVER uses. I suggested selling it but he’s made no effort.

He’s away for a few days studying and I’m home with the kids. The anger is bubbling up, I feel like I HATE him. Is he just too completely stupid to manage money? Why is he doing a frigging degree when he should be learning common sense?!?!

AIBU? How can I manage these angry feelings and this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 08:37

Wow onescaredmuma that’s a lot of progress. Fingers crossed we can do same. It’s badically an addiction really isn’t it

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DeepanKrispanEven · 23/12/2018 08:42

What on earth is he spending it on? It must be more than coffees and gym membership.

Onescaredmuma · 23/12/2018 08:44

Yes I think it is an addiction he took out a credit card to pay an Mot then he liked the "free money" (his actualy words!)
Unfortunately his family are in a similar position (although they never lied about it and are all very cross he did this without telling me) so he's never really understood how to be good with money he is very good at sounding like he knows what he's talking about though and as I was struggling with 3 kids and severe anxiety I just let the finances go to him when he asked to take over to lighten my load (yep I'm an idiot!)

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 08:45

I didn’t say damaged and I’m not insulting anyone. I do want to have eyes wide open before I make any decisions that affect us all. I won’t comment on that again as it’s not why I came on here for help. Many will feel strongly about it and I won’t allow my words to be misinterpreted in that way.

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Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 08:48

Onescaredmuma yes very similar to my situation. Ive only just got to a place where I can deal with it

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PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/12/2018 08:50

Can he take half my savings / equity if we split ???

All miney etc will have to go into the pot to be looked at.

I agree with the suggestion to squirrel away your money.

Please don't do this. All has to be declared and not doing so can get you into big trouble.

SoaringSwallow · 23/12/2018 08:51

I'd be careful that you're coming up as a company director or whatever. If you have no access to business accounts you don't know what's going on there. You only know that he's unable to manage money. I'd be looking for ways to remove yourself from any link to his company either real or mistaken.

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 08:52

Deepan it’s travel for ‘work’, meals out for ‘work’, voluntary additional ‘industry’ groups and functions, expensive stuff for his hobbies ‘to bond with his dad’, hotels for his Masters course for ‘work’.. it all has an explanation but basically he’s using his new business etc as a justification for excessive selfish spending

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Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 08:54

I’ve just asked to come off as a director, totally agree

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Weenurse · 23/12/2018 08:54

Good luck with your plans

Letshopeitsallok · 23/12/2018 08:55

Where’s the money going? Can you see what he’s spent it on? My friends husband had a spending problem and faked a bank loan with her signature and spent it on a boat which he paid to keep 100 miles away so she never saw it and he never used it! He just wanted to “have it”.

Another I know had a gambling problem. Is he gambling? That can get you through thousands with nothing to show?

Where’s all the money going? It not on fancy coffee. 3 fancy coffees day at £3 is about £3k. Where’s the rest?

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 08:57

Maybe I need a post nup!

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Laloup1 · 23/12/2018 08:59

Talk to a solicitor before you help him pay off his debt if you are even half-thinking about leaving him. As well it might help with the financial settlement in your favour which could help protect your flat. (You have a flat! You have options in this situation!!)
It sounds like grounds for an unreasonable behaviour split to me.
And you can use an online company-checker to check how much cash is in his company if it’s unlimited. (If by any chance you are named as a director you should be receiving the accounts)
Please don’t believe everything you read about it being better for the children to have the parents stay together. It can’t be good for children to be raised by unhappy, fighting parents either.

Laloup1 · 23/12/2018 09:00

*If it’s a “limited” company

Letshopeitsallok · 23/12/2018 09:01

Ah cross post, basically he’s splashing money round like a twat. Before we found out about boat guy my DH went out for a drink with him and a few mates. They drank beer all evening, then just as the night was winding down and they were talking about going home, Boat Guy comes back from bar with expensive bottle of champagne and a load of double shots for everyone, £200 on a round no one wanted. Just wanted to splash cash about (that we later found he stole off my friend by faking her signature).

puguin86 · 23/12/2018 09:02

This happened to me OP. I told my DH I was taking control of all finances. Luckily for us he was made redundant at the same time and got a pay out which I told him was being used to clear most of the debts. He is now on a strict budget. I've warned him if he ever extends his overdraft or gets a CC again I'm leaving him, there is no second chance.

Letshopeitsallok · 23/12/2018 09:08

Unless he is a actively taking steps to manage this compulsion (giving you full access to finances, giving you all his cards except one that he keeps that doesn’t let you overspend, going to an appropriate support group/counselling etc.) then I would be taking legal advice on how to protect myself and my children.

OhioOhioOhio · 23/12/2018 09:11

I used to be you. It is so hard to end it. But so worth it. Your children deserve their happy mummy back. My stbxh used to have membership for all sorts of things he didnt use. It literally drove me mental with frustration.

Miggeldy · 23/12/2018 09:18

Kick him out or leave.
No future lies with him.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/12/2018 09:21

He will drag you down, and you'll lose all respect for him.
He seems to have the knack of completely burying his head in the sand. Having been in debt previously, he has chosen to do it again.
I would strongly suggest you seek advice, before you decide to 'help him'. This way, you can confidently continue to build a strong future with him, or alternatively, realise you are embarking on a fruitless mission.
I sincerely wish you well.🎄

OhioOhioOhio · 23/12/2018 09:30

You are angry because you are being played like a fool.

TooMuchChristmasFoodAlready · 23/12/2018 09:31

Just to put a slightly different perspective - I have a few debts, manageable but thousands not hundreds. I am paying them off. My husband knows but I don't like discussing it because I'm really ashamed. I am rubbish with money. I have a good job and so does he. If I thought he'd leave me over this I'd be devastated. There is more to life than money. And shame can stop people wanting to discuss money and debt, especially (I would imagine), if you know your partner will rip into you not support you.

It sounds like your husband is the bred winner, and you don't really contribute to the finances, so is it fair to have a go when he is the one earning?

Just a different perspective. Sounds like you are stressed and I don't want to make you feel bad, but wanted to contribute another side to this.

Maybe your husband isn't so bad after all, if this is the only issue? I can't see it's worth leaving him over. I'm guessing there are other issues too ?

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 10:22

I agree toomuchchristmasfood that it’s not something to immediately leave over.

I don’t think being rubbish is an excuse when you have a family and it’s to the extent I am talking about, and with the privilege he has.

I used to be rubbish with money but I stepped up when I realised I would have nothing if I didn’t change. He lived in my flat that I saved and sacrificed for when we first got together, there was a time when I was the main ‘bread winner’ and right now it’s him.

I contribute to finances by keeping household costs low, working from home, supporting him in everything he ‘needs’ to do and to be at for work, ensuring we don’t have childcare to pay for, he doesn’t have to take time off when kids are sick etc.

I was really scared to let him have more control of money and I did take bad advice on that as I do think it’s just something he can’t do for some reason and probably does need help to understand why.

Actually I’m not stressed and there are no other issues for me although we definitely could be closer and we’ve discussed that too but we need to sort this out first. I would be stressed and depressed if I let him carry on taking the mickey.

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Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 10:24

Ps that sounds a bit patronising to him?! I definitely don’t think I’m perfect AT ALL and have had to get help to fix my own issues when I needed to, just different issues

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Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 10:43

As an example his racing bike cost £2k and he just had a weekend away to Dublin for an industry friend’s party. I doubt your spending is in that region but I also appreciate your comments as walking away should be the last option once you’ve tried to fix things, and I do need to get back to work now

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