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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my husband

78 replies

MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 13:25

On paper my husband is a ‘decent guy’, ‘ambitious’, ‘hard working’.. he’s nice enough to me day to day and to the kids.

I recently found out he has racked up secret debts into the thousands. He was vile to me every time I tried to talk to him about finances, until I finally threatened solicitors and he told me. There is no good reason for the debt, he’s always had loads of help from his dad with money, he’s just frittered it away. I wish I’d not let him take ownership but it was so stressful managing the money on my own when he is so bad with money, I really hoped he would step up.

We are meant to be working together to clear it, I’m taking on a weekend job. Previously I was a SAHM to two little ones but I’ve now found something I can do which doesn’t incur childcare costs.

But here’s the thing, he’s still got an expensive gym membership he NEVER uses and an expensive bike sat at his parents house he NEVER uses. I suggested selling it but he’s made no effort.

He’s away for a few days studying and I’m home with the kids. The anger is bubbling up, I feel like I HATE him. Is he just too completely stupid to manage money? Why is he doing a frigging degree when he should be learning common sense?!?!

AIBU? How can I manage these angry feelings and this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 15:20

Missperegrinespeculiar EXACTLY!!! An absolute waste. It makes me feel sick. His nan paid for my engagement ring. He complains that his cousins only visit his nan to ask for money.. yet he doesn’t even visit her!!!!!!

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percheron67 · 15/12/2018 15:20

My goodness you have my sympathy. You may be stuck for now but I would squirrel money away from him and put it towards your new start. I really wish I had done this - it would have made me more hopeful for my future. You will have started to take control of your future.!

Missingstreetlife · 15/12/2018 15:26

Cut up his credit card

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 15:29

Can he take half my savings / equity if we split ???

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Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 15:31

How on earth do I get along with him till then?!?!

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percheron67 · 15/12/2018 15:47

OP \i think i would get some legal advice and see what would happen to anything you own. If you do this you will be able to work out your best plan. When my husband left me i still trusted him, went along with everything he said and lost my home and my beautiful antique furniture! What a silly trusting chump i was. Good luck to you.

Gina2012 · 15/12/2018 15:52

I don't understand why you'd want to stay with him

LakieLady · 15/12/2018 15:58

You need to get legal advice, urgently, OP.

His debt could ruin your credit rating. If any of it is in joint names, and he ends up going bankrupt, your flat might be at risk. You need to know what your liabilities are.

And, to repeat advice I gave on another thread, get an Experian report to see what the true picture is. You may also be able to get an idea of the financial health of his company from Companies House, the basic info is available online, I believe.

HestiaParthenos · 15/12/2018 16:00

I agree with the suggestion to squirrel away your money. Find out what the relevant laws are and if he can take your money, and which legal loopholes you can use to avoid that.

Is he likely to get even deeper in debt if you don't do anything to stop him, or can you stay married to him for a while without being held responsible for even higher debts he amasses during that time?

Don't use your own money to pay debts he doesn't make an effort to pay.

Regarding childcare costs - they are his children, too. He can pay for half of the childcare costs. Even if the money paid for childcare isn't much more than you earn, the money you earn is money he can't waste. And a job makes you more independent. (It also could cause you to be at home at different times from him so you don't have to get along with him so much ...)

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 17:02

He’s decent in other ways. Kind to the children, does his bit at home. Listens to me when I need to talk (not about money!) and supports me in things I want to do if he can. These things have kept us together till now.
It’s such a shame he can’t manage money and is digging his heels is now not to make amends.

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Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 17:03

I’ve now checked his credit report and mine, his rating is poor but luckily mine is the highest it can be. I’m coming off as a director of the business!

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Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 15/12/2018 17:05

Today I hate him tho as I’m so fuming about the finances!!!!! Normally it’s just a bit of resentment I feel about it every day 🤣

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kikashi · 15/12/2018 17:31

You'll struggle to get a joint mortgage if is CR is poor. He can't rely on his dad and uncle to keep a roof over your heads forever, can he?

Sit down and have a serious chat. Tell him exactly how you feel (making you start to resent him, fears for the future etc). HE needs to be willing to give you access to the balances in all his accounts (inc the business one) if he refuses to make a budget and stick to it and show proof each week then I'd be looking at ultimatums. Only make these if you intend to follow through. (e.g. moving to the flat with your dc etc). I agree with others upthread it could be viewed as a form of financial abuse.

Whataboutbobbo · 15/12/2018 18:09

Don't work to pay off his debt. You save everything you make for you. You may need it later on. He racked up the debt so he can clear it.

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 07:32

So he’s agreed to sell a couple of expensive items that mean quite a lot to him. There is still more to be done. He’s basically been taking the absolute p*ss for ages and I’ve let it happen as I’ve been so knackered tbh!!!

I’ve said I’m fine with hobbies etc but not when it’s negatively affecting our family.

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Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 07:33

I’m not sure if he’s really selfish or just really clueless!!!

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/12/2018 07:38

I’m not sure if he’s really selfish or just really clueless!!! I’d say he’s defensive, he shuts down conversations as it hits a nerve as you’ve identified his weakness. Do his family know about his debt?

RedTartanLass · 23/12/2018 08:14

My sister was married to a man like this, the only discovered how much financial trouble they were in was when the bailiffs knocked on the door to repossess the house!!

She sorted EVERYTHING, took control of the finances checked his credit rating every month to make sure he hadn't got a new credit car/loan etc.

A year or so later their neighbour popped round with some mail that had "accidentally" been delivered to their house. It was credit statements with the "wrong" address!

She discovered he'd borrowed off family and friends too. He was a lovely man, great with the kids but had severe problems with money. The lying and the worry was enough for sister and despite having 2 kids and pregnant with 3rd, she left him.

Sadly some people can't change.

Troels · 23/12/2018 08:15

Why are you bothering. He doesn't want to change it all, he doesn't want to sell/cancel anything.
Even if you get him to stick to a budget and get the debt cleared, he sees no problem and will just carry on as normal. The debt will come back and will probably be even more.
I wouldn't worry about the nursery and school, move back to your flat. Kids adapt well when they are young.
Not sure about the paramedic idea, that is shift work with bank holidays and nights, do you have support to work silly hours?

PersonaNonGarter · 23/12/2018 08:21

He might not be sensitive or foolish - just have a fear of dealing with money.

You can’t rack up debt without access to credit - have you cut up the credit card?

I am shocked about the engagement ring. He needs a bit of counselling or professional help but he obviously isn’t going to see it that way.

Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 08:27

Kids do adapt but ive read and seen evidence about the long term impact of not having both parents around, or having step parents etc so that worries me. Having mentally healthy parents is vital tho and it can’t continue long term

I’m not perfect and he has stuck by me during tough times, he didn’t just sack me off.

We’ve managed to save money before when I was in charge so I will try. All the debt is in his name.

Perhaps I will never be able to buy a house with him tho and that’s pretty sad :-(

Good point re the job long term Troels

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Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 08:30

His family didn’t know but they do now as I’ve told them and asked them to stop giving him so much help as he needs to turn it around himself

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Original poster
MrsMaker88 · 23/12/2018 08:33

Yes counselling might be good. Costs money tho 😬

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Onescaredmuma · 23/12/2018 08:34

I haven't read your whole thread but I understand exactly where you are coming from I wrote a very similar threat 2 months back my husband did this too, to the tune of 42k! He was awful to be around to and I felt like walking a way since I've found out about the debt he's been better it was his fear of me finding out that was causing him to be so horrid. (this in no way excuses either my or your DH in their actions they are grown men who could have made the choice to be honest) but we do get on better now I am not in love with my DH anymore but we're friends again and that will do for now. But part of why I am willing to try is that we are 260 miles from family and I have no support where we are so I felt trapped but I still could have walked away but the main reason I will stay is that he is doing everything he can to make it right he's working overtime to pay it back quicker he's cutting his spending back to almost nothing (he has no access to money except what I put on a pre paid card for him) he is allowed no where near our banks and I have full control of the finances. If he hadn't agreed to all of this then I would have took my kids and moved north to be with my family! Good luck with whatever you decide to do I'm sorry to hear that anyone else has found themselves in this situation.

Foslady · 23/12/2018 08:37

Ffs - not every child of divorced parents is ‘damaged’, just as not every child of married couples is ‘I damaged ‘ - knock that one on the head for a start, you are being massively insulting.
Where do you want to be in 5 years time and do you realistically thing your husband can step up to the mark? Then decide your future

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