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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So shaken up

116 replies

fjsks843 · 15/12/2018 12:25

I'm in tears as I'm writing this. I feel so shaken and I'm not sure what I did or what happened.

I've just come back after going to town for some bits from the shop. I started to queue for my couple of items, and in front of me was a man andwho I assume was his daughter, probably around 6-7 years old. I stood behind them waiting, and the man kept looking at me with a really ugly look on his face, as if I was shit on his shoe. He then told his daughter to move to the other side, so away from me. She didn't, he looked round at me again, with that same expression, and said to her "move round here before I lose my temper with this woman."

I was very confused and said "Sorry, I don't understand?" and he ignored me, but kept looking back at me like he wanted to hit me. He then paid and left, and I was too shocked to contemplate what had happened.

For context, he was about 50, and a hge burly man. I am in my mid-20s, and about 5'2. I don't understand what I could have done to offend anyone, I was just queing. I left the shop and burst into tears.

It doesn't help that I've had terrible anxiety for the last few weeks anyway, and this incident has got me doubting my sanity. I'm wondering if I did something terrible and I can't remember. I felt very intimidated and threatened and I don't know what to do, whether I should call the shop and tell them but I'm not sure what it would achieve?

OP posts:

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 16/12/2018 00:14

When I was leaving the tube station yesterday three people in quick succession gave me funny looks and kind of looked me up and down. It really shook me up and I was frantically checking my hair, face and clothing to see what was so interesting to them. There was literally nothing, so being rational I think they were just most likely lost in their own thoughts and I was just unlucky to encounter three of them in a row! But these things can really eat away at you, can’t they?

Whatever you supposedly ‘did’, you’re not going to figure it out now so just try to forget about it now. I read a good article recently that said you shouldn’t dwell on a past social interaction with someone for more than 7 seconds and I think that is good advice to take here! ‘What did I do? Nope, can’t figure it out... never mind, his problem not mine, now on to something more interesting!’

LuluBellaBlue · 16/12/2018 00:18

Nothing to say just lots of for you x

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 16/12/2018 00:22

My ex used to imagine people were giving him dirty looks all the time.

Oh god, mine too! Practically every day he would come home ranting about some stranger in the street/bus/supermarket who had given him a dirty look. He would concoct a whole narrative about what that person was ‘clearly’ thinking about him and what an asshole they must be.

He decided he hated my brother-in-law because the first time they met we all went for a few friendly bowling games, and he was convinced that after scoring a strike my brother-in-law had looked at him (doing considerably less well in the bowling) and given him a smug, sneering look. Anyone who has ever met my brother in law (the kindest, most laid back man ever) would know how utterly ludicrous that is, and also... it’s just bowling! FFS.

OP, as far as I know my ex does not have a six year old daughter, but on the off chance he was the man you encountered then I can tell you that it was definitely NOT anything you did!

OoohAyyye · 16/12/2018 00:29

My dad also thought people were looking at him and giving him filthy looks.

I imagine this man was the same and was probably using his daughter as a way to voice himself without being direct. Forget about the tosser OP.

MrsGollach · 16/12/2018 00:33

OP how were you dressed?

FiveShelties · 16/12/2018 00:51

Some people are just horrible. Some years ago I was returning my supermarket trolley and a 'lady' was going to get a trolley. I said ,'would you like this one' and she glared at me and said 'no I don't you dirty bitch'. I was just slightly taken aback to say the least!

Pandamodium · 16/12/2018 00:54

DH has relatives with schizophrenia and they genuinely feel threatened by normal people in completely normal situations (hence everyone avoids them since you can’t possibly know what triggers their moods.)

Isn't there supposed to be less stigma around MH conditions these days schizophrenia is perfectly manageable with the right medication.

I've never understood rudeness/violence always been put down to poor MH/ASD

OP chances are he was just a cunt, I'm sorry that happened to you I think most people would be shook up

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/12/2018 00:56

It's worth saying it again clearly that you did nothing to trigger his reaction. Don't spend any more energy trying to work out what you were supposed to have done.

It was all in his head. It was all in his head.

All made up in his disordered thinking. He would have done the same to someone else in a similar situation.

I know it's upsetting and that you were unnerved and shaken by his unwarranted aggression. Try to keep repeating to yourself that you've done nothing, the problem is entirely with him.

BlancheM · 16/12/2018 00:56

Mistaken identity or he might have felt threatened by you in a strange way, like insecure. Some men just hate women.
I had a man I'd never seen before start squaring up to me while I was in a bar and quizzing me on my attributes and what I could do for him. He kept saying things like, 'you might have a face like that but do you even have a fucking personality?' Before asking who I thought I was then spitting at my feet. People are pricks, don't let their problems become yours

ImNotKitten · 16/12/2018 00:57

wondering what on earth I did to trigger this reaction from a total stranger

It’s nothing you did. It’s nothing you didn’t do. He is a vile specimen and probably a misogynist too. I bet he wouldn’t have spoken like that to a burly bloke. Please look after and be kind to yourself, and know that this is his revolting personality, nothing to do with you

QueenofallIsee · 16/12/2018 01:47

I hope that you can see from the thread that this happens to all women all the time (he did not think you were 'trans' despite what you have been told, female oppression is a far far bigger issue than transphobia)
It has happened to me, most notably when some guy imagined (and he did completely, as I am not a rude person at all) that I had deliberately cut in front of him in a supermarket queue (as oppose to the more likely scenario that he saw the open queue and intended to join in but instead fannied about while I trotted up having not even seen him). I tolerated a good 3/4 minutes of threatening, intimidating mutterings before I gave him what for. I might not have done if I was alone but my then husband was waiting outside.

My point being that these people actually like a row and enjoy picking one. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

TheFuckfaceWhisperer · 16/12/2018 02:12

If its any good to you, some idiot cancelled her online Christmas order on the 23rd so you might be in luck if you try online

What does this even mean??

OP, he sounds like he has issues. My ex was paranoid and had loads of issues. Don't let him bother you, it sounds like you did absolutely nothing wrong

BoswellandForshort · 16/12/2018 02:16

My ex used to imagine people were giving him dirty looks all the time

I have a friend who does this. With her, it doesn’t come out as anger but she’ll constantly be saying “that woman gave me the dirtiest look”, “look at those men staring at us”. It’s always in her mind.

I’d imagine it’s something similar here. Either that or mistaken identity. Either way, it’s nothing to do with you

talllikejerryhall · 16/12/2018 02:24

I was once crossing the road and very lightly and accidentally brushed against someone and heard them whisper 'bitch' in my direction.

I was totally shocked and taken aback but didn't for a second think it was my problem.

Just then manifesting their crazy in the way they felt appropriate.

Wigwambam10 · 16/12/2018 03:49

Honestly op with my ex you would only have to make eye contact and you would have been “staring” at him. He was a total dick

TheChristmasBear · 16/12/2018 03:55

I don’t think you did anything.

Sociopaths/psychopaths have a kind of radar for vulnerable people. Then they enjoy the power trip of scaring them.

It’s all him. It’s not you.

ShiningSally · 16/12/2018 04:16

It's him, not you. Some people are just cunts!

PatricksRum · 16/12/2018 05:12

@3luckystars

If its any good to you, some idiot cancelled her online Christmas order on the 23rd so you might be in luck if you try online.

What?

OP it wasn't your fault. Don't waste another second on him.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 16/12/2018 08:29

*If its any good to you, some idiot cancelled her online Christmas order on the 23rd so you might be in luck if you try online.

I think this is a reference to another thread yesterday where someone had to cancel their Christmas food shopping order because they’re going to be at her MIL’s that day.

The poster seems to be suggesting that OP could avoid going to shops completely over Christmas by snapping up the delivery slot that another poster cancelled, most likely in a totally different part of the country.

At least, that’s how I read it. It’s a bit of a reach, for sure!

Lindy2 · 16/12/2018 08:35

He's the one with the problem, not you.
Don't let it bother you.
You're fine. He's not.

InsomniacAnonymous · 16/12/2018 11:18

FiveShelties "Some people are just horrible. Some years ago I was returning my supermarket trolley and a 'lady' was going to get a trolley. I said ,'would you like this one' and she glared at me and said 'no I don't you dirty bitch'. I was just slightly taken aback to say the least!"

How appalling! I don't understand why some people are like that. It makes you scared to interact with people at all as there is no sense or logic to the reaction you may get!

ScreamingValenta · 16/12/2018 11:32

saying something along the lines of they'd made the lady behind (ie me) very cross - she didn't say anything to me but obviously thought I'd been giving the boys evil looks or whatever

Might this just have been her way of telling them their behaviour was inconsiderate to the person behind, to reinforce the message that it was unacceptable?

CandyCreeper · 16/12/2018 11:39

Thinking more about it and reading pps post made me remember my ex was also like this. He has schizophrenia and would make up things in his head that was “staged” for him. He would constantly come back and tell me about things that had happened that were staged for him. Sounds like something like that.

MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 16/12/2018 11:51

Definitely nothing you have done OP.

Just a nasty bully, can’t imagine what goes on behind closed doors.

recently · 16/12/2018 12:04

Just someone with problems OP. A man in front of me ordered a coffee the other day, looked at me and another woman standing behind him, left the coffee and walked out saying "I'm not staying in here with you two!"

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