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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So shaken up

116 replies

fjsks843 · 15/12/2018 12:25

I'm in tears as I'm writing this. I feel so shaken and I'm not sure what I did or what happened.

I've just come back after going to town for some bits from the shop. I started to queue for my couple of items, and in front of me was a man andwho I assume was his daughter, probably around 6-7 years old. I stood behind them waiting, and the man kept looking at me with a really ugly look on his face, as if I was shit on his shoe. He then told his daughter to move to the other side, so away from me. She didn't, he looked round at me again, with that same expression, and said to her "move round here before I lose my temper with this woman."

I was very confused and said "Sorry, I don't understand?" and he ignored me, but kept looking back at me like he wanted to hit me. He then paid and left, and I was too shocked to contemplate what had happened.

For context, he was about 50, and a hge burly man. I am in my mid-20s, and about 5'2. I don't understand what I could have done to offend anyone, I was just queing. I left the shop and burst into tears.

It doesn't help that I've had terrible anxiety for the last few weeks anyway, and this incident has got me doubting my sanity. I'm wondering if I did something terrible and I can't remember. I felt very intimidated and threatened and I don't know what to do, whether I should call the shop and tell them but I'm not sure what it would achieve?

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 15/12/2018 13:34

You did nothing wrong so dont beblaming yoruself for anything.

He had probably made up some rule in his own head like 'no one is allowed to stand behind me in a queue because I'm the most important person in the world' .

Really don't give it another thought, he was a tosser - there's a lot of them about sadly - and they all come out in force just before Christmas.

Flowers
Bellatrix14 · 15/12/2018 13:37

I don’t think it was anything appearance based (if that’s any consolation at all) by his comment about losing his temper- that makes it sound more like he either thought you were someone else, or he felt you were doing something (probably either actually nothing, or something miniscule) that was irritating him.

I’m so sorry he spoke to you like that. If you possibly can, please put it out of your mind Flowers

sunshineNdaisies · 15/12/2018 13:56

I'm not saying any of the following are acceptable reasons for him to be rude to you but one of them could be the reason?

Are you from outside the UK or dressed in religious/cultural clothing? Maybe he was being racist?

are you very overweight or very thin?

Do you shower, wear deoderant, perfume, or do you smoke heavily?

are you heavily tattooed or pierced?

Were you talking loudly on your phone or eating loudly, or eating something really smelly?

Original poster
fjsks843 · 15/12/2018 13:59

@sunshineNdaisies no to all those questions, but yes I do shower and wear deoderant

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/12/2018 13:59

Let me give you a massive
((((((((((()())))))))). I promise you 1000%You did nothing at all wrong.
He's just a fuckin big bullying cunt. Who can only pick on women. Put a fellow burlier and taller bloke againat him like. He'd cower for cover and I guarantee he would not have feared losing his temper if you DP had been with you.
I mean I'd have probably said.
Why what are you going to do 'Big time McAlpine. But I've got a big mouth.
God help that poor little girl.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/12/2018 14:01

Why are you looking for excuses for him, Sunshine.
He's nothing but a Twat with a capital T

missperegrinespeculiar · 15/12/2018 14:19

I think mistaken identity, too, or he is just unhinged! don't give it any more thought, nothing to do with you!

sunshineNdaisies · 15/12/2018 14:31

I'm not making excuses, I'm just trying to help figure out the possible reason.

quantiestillecanisinfenestra · 15/12/2018 14:39

Honestly OP, some people are just aggressive tossbags. If you can't think of anything you did wrong (and I imagine you've gone over the whole scenario with a fine tooth comb!) then, logically, the only explanation lies with him. On the other hand, if you were , somehow, offending his delicate sensibilities without realising then he should have let you know politely. You're not psychic!
But you almost certainly weren't.
And either way, he is most certainly an absolute cockwomble.

skybluee · 15/12/2018 16:30

I think he mistook you for someone else.

Original poster
fjsks843 · 15/12/2018 21:56

Thanks everyone. I've had a really shitty day replaying it all in my head, wondering what on earth I did to trigger this reaction from a total stranger. But I appreciate the kind words Flowers

OP posts:
Mumshotel · 15/12/2018 22:00

You have done nothing wrong. He is out of order. Don't give him a second more thought. Hope you are ok x

InsomniacAnonymous · 15/12/2018 22:02

fjsks843 I'm so sorry, as well as angry on your behalf, that you've had such a horrible day and been so upset when you've not done a single thing to deserve it. I would've reacted exactly as you have and I wish I could give you a big squish of a hug. Flowers

WallyTheWasher · 15/12/2018 22:04

Defo unhinged. There are people out there who are paranoid and imagine things. Eg that people are judging them or laughing at them ie an imagined slight and because they’ve got MH problems in their head it is real and they get angry.

Heyjudas · 15/12/2018 22:05

I've had similar experiences and they can really shake you up. You rack your brain to see what you could possibly have done to invoke such hatred.
I've actually had it on OLD where I just get abusive messages out of the blue from men with whom I've had absolutely no interaction.
You're left wondering, WTF is it about me?
Some good friends have told me that they're sad hateful miserable bastards and the ire could have been directed at any woman. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

AlpacaPicnic · 15/12/2018 22:08

There is nothing to be gained from trying to understand his behaviour because it is almost definitely irrational. I've experienced this and it is horrible but it's a problem to him. It's easy for us to sit here and tell you this but I promise in a couple of days it will be a wierd story you tell people... and in a couple of years you'll be comforting someone else on here because they've experienced a similar twat and you'll remember how it felt and want to reassure them!

FlippinNora1 · 15/12/2018 22:17

There are plenty of reasons why he might have done this. All of them are in his own head and nothing at all to do with you, what you did or how you look. You were just unlucky to be behind him in the queue.

It’s horrid behaviour and I’m sure most of us would be shaken if this happened to us.

Just keep on repeating it’s him with the problem, not me.

Passmethecrisps · 15/12/2018 22:23

Bless your heart. What a dreadful experience. This is categorically him. There is something wrong in him or for him and unfortunately you have been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I hope you can make peace with it soon. It was nothing to do with you. At all.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 15/12/2018 22:31

Firstly he didn't think you were trans otherwise he would have called you a man. Secondly if your bullies criticise your appearance its generally because of insecurities with their own appearances, its really sad that you are still giving them headspace.

I am sure there is nothing wrong with your appearance. Far more likely you inadvertently offended him or he is just a dick. Most likely he is a dick

fernandoanddenise · 15/12/2018 22:38

He may have dementia - people can behave very oddly when ill etc.

It’s NOT you. You’ve done NOTHING wrong. You sound lovely Flowers

AhhhHereItGoes · 15/12/2018 22:39

As you said you can appear masculine the idiot probably made this equation.

Looks like a man but a woman = lesbian
Lesbian = fancies every female even my underage daughter.

So any look in their direction would've garnered hostility. I'd bet my money on it. What an ignorant twat.

So sorry OP.

SamanthaJayne4 · 15/12/2018 23:24

You meet some odd types when shopping OP. I was innocently queuing in one of those bargain shops and this woman kept looking at me and glaring. I just avoided eye contact. I am small so in my case maybe they just think they can intimidate small people. I am quite old so perhaps I look vulnerable. I simply ignored her. I hope you are being better now OP.

Pomfluff · 15/12/2018 23:38

It’s highly possible that the man has some type of personality disorder or MH problem. Paranoid personality disorder or schizophrenia can easily make people feel angry/threatened in entirely harmless situations. You may have had a lucky escape from someone on the border of psychosis. The fact his daughter didn’t respond the first time seems to indicate she’s used to bizarre commands and just ignoring it. DH has relatives with schizophrenia and they genuinely feel threatened by normal people in completely normal situations (hence everyone avoids them since you can’t possibly know what triggers their moods.)

Most people would probably not give it a second thought since they know they weren’t doing anything wrong, however it’s awful that it happened to you in such a vulnerable state. I also have lots of anxiety/low self esteem and know too well how weird experiences can stick with you for years.

Had a similar one going into hospital for a miscarriage confirmation two years ago. A man outside the hospital stopped and stared at me the whole time with a dirty/disgusted look, including turning his head while I walked past to continue staring. He was still there when I left the hospital and did the same thing! To this day I still can’t figure out why since I was dressed and walking entirely normally. My only conclusion was that my vulnerable mental state caused me to feel more threatened than it actually was and the man was either a troll or dealing with his own issues and I happened to be a random target. That trivial incident still bothers me to this day, but I’ve accepted that it’s been distorted by my anxiety and not a true reflection on reality. So please try to do the same, as difficult as it might be. The good thing about strangers is that they’re out of your life forever so you don’t need to care or brood over it.

user1andonly · 15/12/2018 23:54

I was in a theatre once and there were two little boys in front of me who I suppose were messing around a bit but not bothering me at all. Suddenly their mum jumped up, grabbed them and moved to other seats and I heard her telling them off but also saying something along the lines of they'd made the lady behind (ie me) very cross - she didn't say anything to me but obviously thought I'd been giving the boys evil looks or whatever, but I honestly had barely registered them. I thought about going over and saying that they really hadn't been annoying me but I didn't want to cause a scene or make things worse so I just left it.

I'd forgotten about it till I read your post but I wonder if the man mistakenly thought you were looking cross with his dd (and why he wanted to make her move away from you) That doesn't remotely excuse his behaviour but might explain it a bit - maybe his dd had been misbehaving and he thought you were annoyed with her but being one of those people who gets aggressive if he feels someone is 'looking at him (or his dd) funny' he went on the attack.

I'm sorry it happened to you and it would have shaken me up too. I'm sure you didn't do anything to deserve it.

Wigwambam10 · 16/12/2018 00:02

My ex used to imagine people were giving him dirty looks all the time. I dumped him when he squared up to a women and said “come on then bitch”
It was all in his head