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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so pissed off with DH's work?

126 replies

JammyGem · 14/12/2018 15:27

This is really outing but I don't care too much- maybe if his boss/colleagues or their partners see and recognise this they'll realise how dickish they're being.

DD was born 2 weeks ago, and it was a pretty difficult birth. She was in special care for a few days which was obviously a big worry but thankfully she is all ok now. DH let his boss know when I was in labour so he could start his 2 weeks paternity leave.

Then, when DD was only 4 days old, MIL had a heart attack and was rushed to hospital. She lives abroad so DH was not able to be there with her. His brother stayed with her at the hospital and was regularly updating DH, but he was understandably beside himself with worry as he's very very close to his DM and felt guilty for not being able to be with her. It was touch and go but she is now back at the care home.
The same day as the heart attack, DH's boss started chasing him about his return to work date (bearing in mind this is only 4 days in) - DH let him know about his DM and they agreed he'd return in this coming Monday.

Unfortunately, DH has been ill the last few days. He thought it might just be a stomach bug, but was getting worse so went to the doctor yesterday, who has given a provisional diagnosis of severe gastroenteritis and has referred him to the hospital. She has signed him off until after Christmas but he plans to go back as soon as he's well as it's their busiest period at work. He let his boss know straight away and explained about the sick note but that he'd be back in as soon as he'd gone 48 hours without symptoms (he works with food) which he hoped to be next week, so hopefully only a few days later than planned.

His boss is really pissed off and told him that he needs him at work. DH then got a text from one of the other managers (same level as DH) saying that gastroentiritus only lasts a week and "thanks for fucking up my Christmas". DH explained that he'd already offered to be back as soon as it's safe for him to, but his colleague just reiterated that
he thought he was lying.

I'm just so angry they've reacted like this. DH is utterly miserable, it's been one thing after another and he's still worried about his DM. He feels guilty as he's not able to help a lot with DD as he doesn't want to make her ill, and I've never seen him so down and sick. His boss knew for 8 months that DH would be taking paternity leave in December, but refused to take on agency staff or to prep in advance like DH had suggested.

DH (and I) understand that it's annoying, but he's really sick and it can't be helped. Surely they'd not prefer him to go in and pass it on to the other staff and customers?! His boss and the other manager were obviously bitching about him in the kitchen as another colleague sent DH a message saying to ignore them and their texts, as he had something similar a couple weeks ago and knows how bad it is.

If DH does go back before Christmas, they've made it clear he will be doing the full days for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day as a punishment. We knew he'd have to work then but was hoping for one shift off on those 3 days so we could celebrate DD's first Christmas. Double shifts for all 3 is just shit.

Sorry for the rant, I just feel so angry for him - he's had enough stress and worry without them adding the pressure on, and he's annoyed that his boss is obviously mouthing off about his illness. AIBU t o be absolutely fuming, or are they right to be acting like this? I'm so tired and emotional I honestly feel like I'm missing something.

OP posts:
tablelegs · 14/12/2018 23:30

His boss doesn't get to decide if he goes back before his sicknote is up.

A medical professional has said your husband isn't to go back until x date so your husband should follow drs advice.

MsJolly · 14/12/2018 23:36

If it’s for a big company I definitely think he should get on to HR about harassment

ShesAnEasyLlama · 14/12/2018 23:48

It may be better for him to leave and find a new job as soon as he can. All these texts and threats would be excellent evidence for a constructive dismissal case, particularly the one where he's been told he'll be working all three days over Christmas, if that's in writing.

fizzthecat1 · 14/12/2018 23:55

DH then got a text from one of the other managers (same level as DH) saying that gastroentiritus only lasts a week and "thanks for fucking up my Christmas

He definitely needs to keep that text encase he stops working there and wants to complain to HR or other more official routes like an employment tribunal. But he should start looking for another job. I stayed in a toxic work environment for 3 years 8 months with managers like that and should have left way sooner. Some people are just awful.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/12/2018 00:02

If he left could he find some temp/zero hours hospitality work to keep the money coming in until he finds a more permanent job.

Missingstreetlife · 15/12/2018 00:03

Turn the phone off. Join the union. It's a catering job not slavery, although sometimes hard to tell the difference.
The boss is a bully. Dh should take the time he needs and not respond to threats, keep the texts for industrial tribunal. Contact acts for advice.
Bastards.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2018 00:06

i would want to send something like “I was so seriously ill the doctor referred me to the hospital. Consequently recovery will be slower than from a less severe stomach bug. I have been signed off until x date. I have no desire to take time off unnecessarily and will return to work as soon as I am able. I hope that will be before x date. The texts from you and work colleague at not helping my recovery. Please stop contacting me daily. I will keep you apprised of the situation.”

Idk if that’s legally appropriate but it’s factual.

DeepanKrispanEven · 15/12/2018 00:14

Boss has said it will be before his sick note runs out, so DH feels really under pressure to go back next week, which isn't exactly helping him rest and feel better.

His boss can't possibly say it will be before the sick note runs out. He'll get better when he gets better, which may not be as quick as his boss wants.

I'd be really concerned anyway that his boss is saying he will have to work full days over Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day when he's just been ill. There's a realistic danger that that will cause a relapse.

Weenurse · 15/12/2018 00:17

Congratulations on your baby

alleypalley · 15/12/2018 01:13

I’m a manager in the food and beverage business, and whilst yes it’s stressful and frustrating when someone goes off sick at a busy time of year I would never treat a staff member like that. Last year I had 2 chefs go off sick in December leaving me working 80+ hour weeks covering their shifts, (big national company with no scope for getting agency staff) and they could tell I was stressed, because well I was, I never made any threats to them about getting back to work.

Fwiw though practically everyone I know is desperate for chefs at the moment, he should be able to walk into another job.

MaryDollNesbitt · 15/12/2018 01:33

If his boss texts again, I think your DH needs to respond with something like:

I have been formally signed off work with gastroenteritis by a medical professional, who assessed my symptoms and diagnosed me in person, until X date. I have already explained to you that I will return to work sooner than X date providing my health has improved enough and I no longer pose an infectious risk to customers and staff. I know it is an exceptionally busy time for us and I don't want to let the team down, but unfortunately I cannot force myself healthy. I would therefore ask you politely and respectfully to stop harassing me. My GP has instructed me to rest. While I understand employers have a duty of care to their employees and you may want to check in occasionally, please stop contacting me via text like this in an attempt to bully me back to work sooner than I am physically able to return. DH'sName.

TooManyPaws · 15/12/2018 02:21

Contact the Union and their legal helpline.

Keep everything and don't take phone calls - get everything in writing by email or text.

Get in touch with agencies to see how the work situation is in the area. My ex is a chef and got agency shifts whenever he wanted, then walked into a job at a nursing home, with nice social and steady hours.

twiglet · 15/12/2018 02:31

As a chef he cannot work with gastroenteritis environmental health would have a field day!

Tell him to contact his union and HR as the behaviour is harassment.

GabsAlot · 15/12/2018 10:55

if he goes back they realy will believe hes lieing send in the sick note and tell them he cant come in as per doctors instructions

MrsBosh · 15/12/2018 11:40

Ugh, what an awful situation.
Your poor DH has so much going on. His work are tools.

Jamiefraserskilt · 15/12/2018 11:59

Very poor handling by the boss.
As someone already said, be has been signed off until after Christmas by a medically trained professional so he should ignore the calls and take the allocated time to recover. Absolutely no way should be go back until he is fit and the doctor is the best person to assess that. If he goes back and relapses it will be worse. If they try and lay it on he needs to asset himself and confirm that he is on legitimate leave and should be left to recover without harassment. To the person that thinks he is lying, he needs to wind his neck in. Thanks for your input. I will pass it on to my doctors/specialists.
If he breaks the sick leave, he will continue to be punished, blackmailed and harassed each and every time the boss does not get his own way.

DarlingNikita · 15/12/2018 12:09

I’d also send an email to HR copying in his boss and his bosses boss reiterating that he has a sick note, and ask for a copy of the sickness procedure and how often he needs to speak to his boss and by what menthod whilst he is off sick as he feels that the constant daily text messages is exessive.

I agree with this. Also, speak to an employment solicitor.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/12/2018 13:16

I am sure I have read about someone who worked with food having gastroenteritis and killing some elderly people .

Is his boss willing to play with other people’s lives just to punish your dh for getting sick.

EmeraldShamrock · 15/12/2018 13:27

Employers and ees can be really harsh these days. We have a colleague who has taking very ill, she is having brain scans etc. Some members were very mean, hardly anyone was concerned, she is a really lovely person and will be worrying about work. Thankfully the management are not snotty about it, out loud anyway. Everyone has to put in extra hours but thats life.
His health is what is important, make sure he doesn't go back early. He would be best keeping any texts and voicemails.
Congratulations on the new baby, all the stress of your MIL too, don't let his job get to you too. Flowers

Millie2014 · 15/12/2018 17:57

I was also going to say that the company isn't insured if he's signed off but not so sure since the DWP comment. Either way it's a despicable way to treat somebody and is grounds for some kind of grievance or tribunal if it was to get that far. Document all conversations after any phone calls as evidence and don't delete any texts. I work for a big corporation and if I treated employees like this I'd be in court! It's managements responsible to mitigate for staff absence not your husbands. Longer term I'd be looking at changing my place of work, there is clearly no regard for employee wellbeing here!

Original poster
JammyGem · 18/12/2018 15:23

Quick update: After more messages from his boss, DH has agreed he'll be back in tomorrow. I've told him he's a fool to go back so soon after the way he's been treated...

I don't think he's ready to go back, as I'm pretty sure he was still feeling ill yesterday, although he tried to hide it. He's going back out of guilt, so looks like they're pressuring and emotional blackmail worked. They're covering themselves though, as they've asked him to contact the doctor to get the note amended to say he's well enough to return tomorrow.

He also mentioned about his colleague's abusive text to his boss, who just kind of shrugged it off.

I'm a bit annoyed as I knew this would happen. Every time there's an issue with his boss DH will say he'll contact HR or his Union, but then just sweeps it under the carpet so nothing changes.

OP posts:
Original poster
JammyGem · 18/12/2018 15:24

He also hasn't got the rota for next week yet, but I bet he still has to do double shifts for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day... Angry

OP posts:
mycatistoo · 18/12/2018 15:59

Oh dear. I'd encourage him to seek further advice from a Union but if he won't he won't.

My Dh is the same. His work treat him appallingly (and have done for 10 years) and he just lays back and lets them. Angry

Hoopaloop · 18/12/2018 16:00

Make sure DH prepares his boss and that colleague some food ASAP. Hopefully it'll kick in for Christmas 👍

#sharingscarings

Kardashianlove · 18/12/2018 16:07

I doubt he'll do this as it's bound to cause trouble when he does go back
But they are already causing trouble by making him work all over Christmas.

His sick note is until after Christmas, he could spend this time resting and recovering and with you and the new baby but he’s choosing to go back to work early for people who treat him awfully and he’s looking for a new job anyway. I would be really angry with my DH if he did this. He’s going to make himself really ill which will then impact on you and the baby, plus everything extra you will have to do when he’s working all over Christmas.