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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so pissed off with DH's work?

126 replies

JammyGem · 14/12/2018 15:27

This is really outing but I don't care too much- maybe if his boss/colleagues or their partners see and recognise this they'll realise how dickish they're being.

DD was born 2 weeks ago, and it was a pretty difficult birth. She was in special care for a few days which was obviously a big worry but thankfully she is all ok now. DH let his boss know when I was in labour so he could start his 2 weeks paternity leave.

Then, when DD was only 4 days old, MIL had a heart attack and was rushed to hospital. She lives abroad so DH was not able to be there with her. His brother stayed with her at the hospital and was regularly updating DH, but he was understandably beside himself with worry as he's very very close to his DM and felt guilty for not being able to be with her. It was touch and go but she is now back at the care home.
The same day as the heart attack, DH's boss started chasing him about his return to work date (bearing in mind this is only 4 days in) - DH let him know about his DM and they agreed he'd return in this coming Monday.

Unfortunately, DH has been ill the last few days. He thought it might just be a stomach bug, but was getting worse so went to the doctor yesterday, who has given a provisional diagnosis of severe gastroenteritis and has referred him to the hospital. She has signed him off until after Christmas but he plans to go back as soon as he's well as it's their busiest period at work. He let his boss know straight away and explained about the sick note but that he'd be back in as soon as he'd gone 48 hours without symptoms (he works with food) which he hoped to be next week, so hopefully only a few days later than planned.

His boss is really pissed off and told him that he needs him at work. DH then got a text from one of the other managers (same level as DH) saying that gastroentiritus only lasts a week and "thanks for fucking up my Christmas". DH explained that he'd already offered to be back as soon as it's safe for him to, but his colleague just reiterated that
he thought he was lying.

I'm just so angry they've reacted like this. DH is utterly miserable, it's been one thing after another and he's still worried about his DM. He feels guilty as he's not able to help a lot with DD as he doesn't want to make her ill, and I've never seen him so down and sick. His boss knew for 8 months that DH would be taking paternity leave in December, but refused to take on agency staff or to prep in advance like DH had suggested.

DH (and I) understand that it's annoying, but he's really sick and it can't be helped. Surely they'd not prefer him to go in and pass it on to the other staff and customers?! His boss and the other manager were obviously bitching about him in the kitchen as another colleague sent DH a message saying to ignore them and their texts, as he had something similar a couple weeks ago and knows how bad it is.

If DH does go back before Christmas, they've made it clear he will be doing the full days for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day as a punishment. We knew he'd have to work then but was hoping for one shift off on those 3 days so we could celebrate DD's first Christmas. Double shifts for all 3 is just shit.

Sorry for the rant, I just feel so angry for him - he's had enough stress and worry without them adding the pressure on, and he's annoyed that his boss is obviously mouthing off about his illness. AIBU t o be absolutely fuming, or are they right to be acting like this? I'm so tired and emotional I honestly feel like I'm missing something.

OP posts:
malteserhound · 14/12/2018 16:51

GP here.

If he wished to go back before the end of the sick note, then he would need his GP to provide a 'fit note' to state the date from which he is fit for work. Otherwise if other employees/ customers become ill due to his infectious disease, then the company is open to lawsuits (and intervention from Public Health if he is working with food!).

We don't sign people off sick, or refer them to hospital, for fun. He must have been really unwell. He needs to take his sick leave in order to recover, or he is at risk of long term illness/ fatigue. As his employers are being awful, I would strongly suggest he should complain to management/ head office (if possible) or look for a new job!

Congratulations on your new baby. He should turn off his phone so that you can all enjoy your first Christmas together. Flowers

CowesTwo · 14/12/2018 16:56

Has his paternity leave finished? Or has he become ill during the paternity leave?

teraculum29 · 14/12/2018 16:58

in those circumstances I would make sure that I stick with doctors advice, and to be honest I would go to the doctors and have another sick note for stress for much longer period.

Member869894 · 14/12/2018 16:59

solicitor here. this is tribunal gold. keep the texts

recently · 14/12/2018 17:02

Congratulations! He definitely shouldn't be going back early, even if he feels better - could have serious consequences which any Archers' listeners will be aware of.

WorldofTofuness · 14/12/2018 17:11

If there should be an outbreak of illness at the workplace (either colleagues or customers) then no doubt this dickhead manager will deny any accountability and try to pin the blame on your DH for returning to work too early.

That was my immediate thought. Your DH's (totally understandable) efforts to show willing and not leave his colleagues in the lurch, will be spun as "X disregarded H&S rules and his GP's note to come in"--any chasing from them having been either verbal (and therefore not recorded) or emails which they mysteriously can find no trace of, should the shit hit the fan (ahem!).

DH needs to keep texts, keep a record of phone calls, and ideally do things by email (they may just be stupid enough to put their behaviour on record). One way or another, he may need to rely on this evidence.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2018 17:23

Congratulations on your new baby. I hope your mil will be better soon.

Depending on the bug, you can be contagious for up to 2 weeks. Source: Mayo Clinic. The 48 hour rule isn’t long enough imo, this is only the period in which you are most infectious.

Your husband’s employer has made a choice not to employ agency staff. His colleague is pointing the finger at the wrong person. I also think your dh should find another job.

Graphista · 14/12/2018 17:39

Am I right in thinking the job is food based? If so even more reason NOT to go in - as a pp says it's a liability issue. I was always taught you don't go in while dr has you signed off as employers ins doesn't then cover them for customers being affected or employees condition worsening due to working!

I think I can already guess answer - is dh not in a union ? A call to acas to clarify legal position might be good.

Even if not their behaviour is appalling! His boss shouldn't even be discussing with other colleagues beyond he's not gonna be in. That's breaching his medical confidentiality.

Original poster
JammyGem · 14/12/2018 17:54

Thanks for all your responses, glad to know that others find it as outrageous as I do and it's not just me being tired and emotional!

A lot of you have made a good point about him staying off until the sick note expires. I doubt he'll do this as it's bound to cause trouble when he does go back, but it would be nice... I also agree that all the worry is going to have a massive effect on his mental health, but seeing as the sick note is just for his gastroentiritus I'm not sure if he can really use it for that.

Thankfully he has records of everything that's been said- almost all communication has been by text (no point phoning as half the time they're too busy to answer) so at least he has that to back him up if there's any trouble. He is aware of a few things his boss does that are breaking employment law (don't want to go into detail here) so has already said if they carry on he'll be raising a formal complaint and "spilling all" as it were.

It's a business owned by a pretty large national company. He went to HR before about previous issues and they weren't too helpful- just told him he needed to sort it out with his boss directly. I've already advised him to contact his union which he's looking into.

I think he wants to take some action but is nervous that it'll come back on him, and what with me on maternity leave and the little one here we really can't afford for him to lose his job. The plan was always for him to find another job anyway after DD was born, so he could have something with less or more stable hours (or at least getting paid overtime or being able to take his time off in lieu!) All of this has just meant he's determined to leave.

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 14/12/2018 17:54

Haven't read the full thread yet but it is illegal to return to work whilst signed off sick by a dr he must 1st be reassessed by a dr and given a wellness note or wait until his sick note runs out

Original poster
JammyGem · 14/12/2018 17:58

And yes, he's a chef, so all the more reason not to go in before he's completely well- he doesn't want to ruin anyone's Christmas by passing it on!

OP posts:
pantyclaws · 14/12/2018 17:59

You only live once - if they are going to make him miss his first family Christmas through spite I think he should stay off until new year.

tablelegs · 14/12/2018 18:01

He can't go back to work if his sickline is for a date after Christmas.

MumW · 14/12/2018 18:02

DH was signed of for a week but was feeling a lot better and said he'd go back in. He wasn't allowed while he was still covered by his sick note as the company's insurance would be invalidated.

Original poster
JammyGem · 14/12/2018 18:03

Looking at advice from DWP I'm fairly certain it's not illegal for him to return before sick note expires unfortunately

Your employee can go back to work at any time (including before the end of the fit note) without going back to see their doctor - even if their doctor has indicated that they need to assess them again. This will not breach your Employers Liability Compulsory Insurance, providing a suitable risk assessment has taken place if required.

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 14/12/2018 18:12

work for The Toby Carvery by any chance? family member going through similar issue

yanbu, aid his recovery by enjoying Christmas and take Drs advice

BigChocFrenzy · 14/12/2018 19:01

Has he been there 2 years ?

If so, take the full sick leave and if the bug doesn't clear up, get another to follow
Sacking a chef for refusing to work with a stomach bug would be somewhat difficult to defend in a Tribunal.

PattiStanger · 14/12/2018 19:19

I found out on a recent thread that you can return to work before the end of the sick note in certain situations as the poster above has clarified.

You are in a difficult situation as you say with your mat leave, can he hang on in for a few more weeks then lot for something else. I know that good chefs are always in demand in my area, is it the same where you are?

Graphista · 14/12/2018 19:31

I wouldn't defer to dwp on this!

If it weren't for the suffering of innocent people needed I'd kinda want this employer to have to face the wrath of customers made ill by their shitty management practice!

Engorged · 14/12/2018 19:40

Your husband shouldnt be going back if he's still ill. He could be infectious...he could make himself worse.

Unsurprisingly you got nowhere with HR, unions are better. HR arent there to protect staff or support them, just the business. Most HRs have high turnover due to that as you get burnt out and disheartened by screwing people over.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/12/2018 20:11

It's awful to accuse someone of lying without any evidence whatsoever, it's terrible to try and pressure someone back to work early as it's likely to lead to stress, and it's disgusting to want someone with a severe gastro illness to work with food until they're completely better - they risk making hundreds of other people ill.

I know this industry is notorious for this type of thing but if I was him I'd stay off til I was signed off. Keep everything they've put in writing as evidence as if they sacked him i think you'd have a claim

Original poster
JammyGem · 14/12/2018 23:08

His boss has been on at him again this evening asking when he'll be back. DH has said he doesn't know, it depends on when he is better. Boss has said it will be before his sick note runs out, so DH feels really under pressure to go back next week, which isn't exactly helping him rest and feel better.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 14/12/2018 23:17

Stay home as long as he needs to and report to HR. Get union involved and threaten media.

chickhonhoneybabe · 14/12/2018 23:24

His boss is harassing him. I’d get the union involved and tell his boss that he will be back to work when his sick note expires.

I’d also send an email to HR copying in his boss and his bosses boss reiterating that he has a sick note, and ask for a copy of the sickness procedure and how often he needs to speak to his boss and by what menthod whilst he is off sick as he feels that the constant daily text messages is exessive.

timeisnotaline · 14/12/2018 23:29

I’d try and help dh by gleefully reading each new message and exclaiming that’s one for the tribunal! It’s such a shame he needs the job, I guess support him and speak to a union.and have in writing before going back some thing like just to confirm you want me to come in no matter whether I feel better or not? Failing that whistleblowing will do it- emails to senior management , press and from new Twitter / fb accounts once he’s quit with details.
Is there really no way he could reliably give twat boss gastro? Such a shame.

Congratulations on the baby. I hope your dh has a new job and you can relax and enjoy the new arrival soon.

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