To go tit-for-tat on SIL's Birthday?

[QuizzlyBear]

Ok, so (as a bit of background) my DH's brother and his wife are nice enough people, very well-off - they are much more materialistic and put a lot more stock in appearances than us, but it takes all sorts. I only raise that as it's relevant!

Both work full time and earn a very substantial wage (over £250k pa in total). We are full and part-time respectively and earn less than half of that, with more outgoings.

They have been together for about 13 years and every year we have bought them both Christmas presents and birthday presents. (DH buys for his brother and since I do everyone else's presents, I buy for her). I know from previous things she's said and the reactions she's had to other gifts that her standards are high and she expects 'decent' presents (her words). I've spent probably £30-50 on her birthday present each year (trying to utilise the last minute sales as her birthday is right after Christmas!)

In all those years, they've bought me two presents for my birthday (a few days after hers). One was a bead necklace, which was nice (but I suspect regifted as it wasn't my style) and the other was a Superdrug smelly set which I know cost £4.99 because my colleague bought the same one for a random person she drew in secret Santa.

Every other year I've not even received a card or a text or a Facebook message. So I felt like a mug and told my DH (who was in complete agreement) that I wasn't buying her birthday gifts anymore. Fine.

Except last time was her 40th and afterwards my MIL kept asking 'when will you be giving SIL her present? It IS her 40th...' I've been hearing about it non-stop (though I should be clear, I received nothing from them for MY 40th) and I'm wondering - am I just being petty? I don't like the idea that 'we only give to receive' but I also don't want to feel like an unappreciated doormat...

Sounds like my SIL, she can’t even text me. But thinks I want to be her best friend. She tells everyone she’s got me a great present, then gives me regifted socks or something deliberately bought in the wrong size. She hates me and that’s fine. By convention it’s uo to my DB to buy the presents for his family, but she tells him she’s sorted it/sent me a card. Called him out on it once and he denied it/didn’t know she hadn’t been sending them when she told him she was.

I’d stop with the presents or just say that since they stopped buying you presents you thought she expected nothing in return.

Just say 'oh, I assumed we weren't really doing presents anymore, as I got the impression sil would rather not, as I didn't receive anything further my 40th. That works nicely for me though, so I'm happy to carry on with things this way'.

Or words to that effect. Keep it nice, but tell them why you don't want to.

Yanbu at all, and this is your husband's job anyway. I decided the same about my SIL after the third year of domestic equipment type presents (and no birthday presents - which is fine, but I'm not going to make an effort to get her one!). You did tell your mum 'oh, DH has taken charge of bil and SIL presents' and she can nag him!

"I'm going to get her exactly the same as what she got me for my 40th."

I know a favourite MN saying is "No is a complete sentence".

I am a bit bolshie because my Dad taught me that "Why" is a complete sentence. It can work wonders, I promise you.

-"When will you be giving SIL her birthday present?"

-"Why?" You can usually walk away happily after that.

Stop buying.

My MIL got dropped off at my house by her other son.She had taken him out to lunch for his birthday and the same last week as it was his girlfriends birthday. Shortly before that my husband was at his mothers house and she asked him to try a jumper on....it was for her daughters boyfriend for his birthday.

My husband only ever received a card for his birthday from his mum and I have never had a sinle one....so I presumed everyone in the family was treated the same.

So I told my husband I was done....I wouldnt be buying his mother a birthday card and present ,if he wanted to that was up to him.

When my husbands sister turned up a couple of weeks after MIL birthday and said you forgot MIL birthday I replied no I didnt,she said but she didnt receive anything so I said thats because I didnt send anything lol.

SIL didnt ask why so I left it at that

I like funnyfaces answer... 'i got her the same thing she got me for my 40th, doesn't she remember?' with as much wide eyed innocence as you can pull off...

I agree with 'oh, I figured we weren't doing presents anymore'
And when pressed say 'because she hasn't acknowledged any of my birthdays in recent years so I assumed it was no longer necessary'

Well obviously you regift the smelly set.

@Funnyface1 Your answer has made me laugh, I must try that one! MIL is pretty volatile though, and even a hint of family disharmony has her verbally shooting the messenger, so I have to tread carefully around her.

I just feel really petty - as though I'm spitting out my dummy over material 'things' though ur was leaving me feeling crappy every year, handing over her thoughtfully chosen, expensive gift every year only to not even get a 'happy birthday' in response.

If they'd spent £4.99 on a book they thought I'd like, or a small box of my favourite chocolates, I'd have been delighted - it's just the absolute lack of give-a-shit that really burns me up.

Everything she buys for you regift her for her next birthday.

So she gets the £4.99 smellies and dull necklace and you keep your £50 you would have spent on her.

@Snowwontbelong - I thought about that for a minute (I can't use it anyway as I have overly sensitive skin - which they know) but couldn't think of anybody I had to buy a present for but disliked!

I totally get it. I feel like SIL thinks 'Mook has no personality. I'll get her a teatowel'. When actually I think I'm pretty easy to buy for as I like loads of stuff but she chooses to ignore what I'm actually like.

I know how you feel, on my 30th birthday none of my brothers-in-law or their girlfriends sent a card and had to be reminded to text me. I was really quite hurt and upset considering the effort we've made for them in the past. We're the oldest and the only ones with children, the rest of them are much better off financially. So I told my husband that we shouldn't do birthdays with them anymore. There's being nice, and there's giving other people permission to take advantage.

@Tinty if they just let me quietly kill the tradition off, I would - but they must have gone crying to the MIL about my 'thoughtlessness' for her to even KNOW that I didn't buy her anything.

I think that really boiled my piss and made me want to send a 'happy fucking birthday, snitches get stitches' kind of birthday message instead!

I think this is about to happen with 1 of my friends...We've exchanged lovely gifts for the last 5 years, usually about £30.
This year I was on holiday (was away last year also so she dropped it off prior we went) and all I got was a text message.
So my response if I get asked will be - I'll get her what she got me / I thought we'd stopped since you didn't buy for me last year, depending on the motivation of the question....

Exactly what @Funnyface1 said!

@poorbuthappy See, once I'd consider an oversight - but more than a decade on, I'm starting to see a pattern...

@Mookatron I think you've nailed it - it's really the absolute lack of interest in me or my own interests. Present of some kind for Quizzly? Tick.

“Oh, I always did, but SIL very sensibly stopped with the gift buying so we don’t bother anymore....such a relief and far more sensible!”

I've got one of those. After receiving presents from us for several years without anything in return dh said (as he handed over another present) something along the lines of "you owe me about 4 years worth". Response (as he took the present) was "oh I decided back then that I wasn't getting my siblings presents for birthdays any more".

Then we got a call a few years later wanting £50 for a joint 40th birthday "experience" for him. Dh pointed out that they'd not got him anything for his 40th so wouldn't be contributing, but the siblings (who were younger) felt pressurised into (and no they didn't get anything for their 40th when it came to it either)

As you said, the irony is that they like to flash their money about and should have more than us. They're the sort of people that don't say "we're just going down to the supermarket" they say "oh we had to go to Waitrose" or instead of "going back to the car" it's "back to the Audi" or "I just had to get that t-shirt, as it was such a great saving-only £300"
Quite sad really in a lot of ways. Despite their constant boasting about material things they obviously feel inadequate.

But I get their presents with great care, but don't spend much on it because even with well thought out gifts they spend more time moaning about them.

Me and my SIL made the arrangement of only spending £10 on gifts for birthdays and Christmas, we usually gave each other gift cards. Then once we had kids, we decided to just buy for the kids and not for the adults. I think I've been quite lucky.

I'd not bother with SIL either. You clearly get no thanks for it.

I've also culled my list, and I'm finding this Xmas is stress free for once.

My SIL does this, gives me shite to show me how much she really dislikes me. I just do the same in return. Last year £2.99 Baylis and Harding from her. This year she got a £2.99 Baylis and Harding gift set. Simples. I'm grateful as she sorts out my tombola gift and I don't actually have to spend too much on her.

My SIL once bought me a handbag from Accessorise and put a designer tag inside it. She pretended it was from said designer despite there being no labels and no sign of said bag on the designer's website.

Thanks to this and a litany of weird behaviour from her I don't really engage with her unless I have to.

Please please please OP tell your MIL you’re getting her the same as she bought you for your 40th with a lovely smile on your face.

Or the ‘why’ response is good too

But yanbu at all, she sounds selfish, self centred and petty