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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go tit-for-tat on SIL's Birthday?

97 replies

QuizzlyBear · 14/12/2018 09:49

Ok, so (as a bit of background) my DH's brother and his wife are nice enough people, very well-off - they are much more materialistic and put a lot more stock in appearances than us, but it takes all sorts. I only raise that as it's relevant!

Both work full time and earn a very substantial wage (over £250k pa in total). We are full and part-time respectively and earn less than half of that, with more outgoings.

They have been together for about 13 years and every year we have bought them both Christmas presents and birthday presents. (DH buys for his brother and since I do everyone else's presents, I buy for her). I know from previous things she's said and the reactions she's had to other gifts that her standards are high and she expects 'decent' presents (her words). I've spent probably £30-50 on her birthday present each year (trying to utilise the last minute sales as her birthday is right after Christmas!)

In all those years, they've bought me two presents for my birthday (a few days after hers). One was a bead necklace, which was nice (but I suspect regifted as it wasn't my style) and the other was a Superdrug smelly set which I know cost £4.99 because my colleague bought the same one for a random person she drew in secret Santa.

Every other year I've not even received a card or a text or a Facebook message. So I felt like a mug and told my DH (who was in complete agreement) that I wasn't buying her birthday gifts anymore. Fine.

Except last time was her 40th and afterwards my MIL kept asking 'when will you be giving SIL her present? It IS her 40th...' I've been hearing about it non-stop (though I should be clear, I received nothing from them for MY 40th) and I'm wondering - am I just being petty? I don't like the idea that 'we only give to receive' but I also don't want to feel like an unappreciated doormat...

OP posts:

thighofrelief · 14/12/2018 11:17

OP you need to find a really shitty plastic shiny handbag and fill it with curled ribbons and streamers and wrap it beautifully and just beam with joy saying "oh, it's so YOU" as you hand it over

CurbsideProphet · 14/12/2018 11:18

My DP sorts out thoughtful presents for his brother and SIL (from the both of us). He receives thoughtful presents from them. They always give me chocolates with the prices on, for birthday and Christmas. Luckily I'm used to it now.

thighofrelief · 14/12/2018 11:19

Hmm - wondering if my friend is in a race to the bottom with me? Is THAT why I got a book on sheds? What did I do to deserve it?

Original poster

QuizzlyBear · 14/12/2018 11:20

@thighofrelief That's what you need to do for your cheapskate friend!

Or just grab a few weeds, pop a rubber band around the stems and present them to her with a card and a big smile; 'hand-picked is so much more personal, don't you think?'

Bonus points if they're from her garden.

OP posts:

thighofrelief · 14/12/2018 11:22

She's soooooo tight, she got her kids an ice bucket for their wedding present, that was it. She has a fully paid up house and a great deal in the bank.

winterisstillcoming · 14/12/2018 11:25

Do it.

MatildaTheCat · 14/12/2018 11:27

‘MIL much as I’d love to treat DSIL I don’t feel I can as it would be so embarrassing for her since she doesn’t buy for me. Probably best we just leave it there.’

However there could be plenty of fun in terms of crap presents wrapped up in gorgeous style.

CantWaitToRetire · 14/12/2018 11:28

Push the boat out and get her one of these
www.clintonsretail.com/catalog/product/view/id/47234/category/3722/

And don't forget the nice card.

BunsOfAnarchy · 14/12/2018 11:34

Just leave it.
When i married DH, first xmas i bought every member of his family presents. SIL got perfume and a glitzy bag for nights out. BIL got given leather gloves and aftershave. MIL and FIL got some lovely jackets which they loved and appreciated.
SIL bought me....wait for it.... a poundland candle set. I was a bit but its the thought that counts right?
My birthday rolls around. I got nothing from SIL. Or BIL.
SIL had a milestone birthday a month later and me, DH, BIL and MIL and FIL spend around 400 for an item of jewellery.
Year later i had a milestone birthday....i got perfume.

Its the thought that counts right?
Sometimes, no.

Ive stopped bothering. Im happier for it.

mumsastudent · 14/12/2018 11:34

posh town charity shops get a better class of old gifts there :)

NoSayWhatNow · 14/12/2018 11:40

“Oh, I always did, but SIL very sensibly stopped with the gift buying so we don’t bother anymore....such a relief and far more sensible!”

^This. Perfect.

LegallyBrunet · 14/12/2018 11:42

My partner and I are doing this with his younger sister after she ignored both our birthdays this year and told my partner- only one with a child out of his siblings- she wasn’t buying for him anymore as she had niece to buy for too now.

Stormy76 · 14/12/2018 11:46

I don't buy for the inlaws I leave that to DH who buys them all a box of chocs and then gift cards for the kids. DH does it because we only get tins and tins of biscuits and quality street.......so many we have to take them to work and force feed colleagues. They have a rule that once you hit 18 you don't get presents, which is fine but when you have an 18 yr old and he has to watch his younger sibling open presents from people who haven't bought him one it's a bit harsh.

I buy for my lot, DH just lets me get on with it we all just give gifts to one another and the kids are included regardless of age. It's not about the money spent ....£2.99 on a smellies set ....any one can afford that and my kids are happy to receive smellies they really don't care about the value. Although one of my siblings started being cheap and presents were homemade biscuits etc, well due to the Xmas biscuit overload in our household they have been told not to do that by my parents who knew they were just being a bit cheap.

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 14/12/2018 11:49

Or send a goat to Oxfam in her name. Charity!

justilou1 · 14/12/2018 11:50

I think you are lacking inspiration, OP... Time to scour the Christmas Tat threads....
Here is an example....

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 14/12/2018 11:55

If it’s DH’s side of the family, why doesn’t he sort it / talk to MIL?

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 14/12/2018 12:05

Wrong time of year, but the Bronx zoo will let you name one of their cockroaches after a person ex for a nominal fee:
bronxzoo.com/roach
Just saying...

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 14/12/2018 12:14

MIL much as I’d love to treat DSIL I don’t feel I can as it would be so embarrassing for her since she doesn’t buy for me. Probably best we just leave it there.’

This is delightfully cold

crochetmonkey74 · 14/12/2018 12:19

Just say 'oh, I assumed we weren't really doing presents anymore, as I got the impression sil would rather not, as I didn't receive anything further my 40th. That works nicely for me though, so I'm happy to carry on with things this way'

I think this is perfect

Collaborate · 14/12/2018 12:37

Quite a few years back my sister couldn't afford to get me a birthday present. She said she'd buy it next month. I said she should feel under no obligation to get me one and I was happy with a card, which was how it turned out. Absolutely fine.

Her birthday came round and I got her a present. Then it was my birthday again. I received just a card again. Again, that was fine with me. When her birthday came round (her 40th) I just got her a card.

A week or two later my mum rang me. "X is wondering when she's going to get your present". I calmly explained what had happened in the previous two years, but the upshot of all this was that I was accused by my sister of causing her terrible distress, both by not getting her a present and by telling my mum that she'd forgotten my last birthday rather than raise it with her (my irony meter exploded at that point). To keep the peace we resorted to getting each other crap presents, but we haven't spoken for a number of years now (a whole other thread) and things are much more peaceful.

HeebieJeebies456 · 14/12/2018 12:56

MIL kept asking 'when will you be giving SIL her present? It IS her 40th...'
Reply - "ohhh.....you'll need to speak to dh about that....."

Stop giving a shit about what they think or want - they don't give a shiny shit about you do they?
They're trying to manipulate your niceness/guilt into keeping on being a mug - don't let them.
Just think - they don't even feel a tiny bit of shame or guilt over not making the same effort with you - so why are you allowing their various reactions to coerce you into doing something that doesn't sit right with you?

Eliza9917 · 14/12/2018 13:01

Does she buy you a Christmas present? Give her that for her birthday. Do its for a couple of years until she twigs and gives you something naice for xmas, then keep it and give her a load of tat.

BlueOooChristmas · 14/12/2018 13:09

You don't give to receive, HOWEVER at times like Christmas where it is pretty much accepted you exchange gifts it gets really fucking irritating when people take the piss. Take my advice and end it now, they clearly don't have any interest in buying you one, so don't torture yourself any longer. If they ask why just be totally honest. They have no argument back.

We only buy for nieces, nephews and our parents. When the nieces and nephews reach 18 and are employed full time we stop buying for them (unless they send at least a card, but so far that's not happened and so we're two down!)

Extended family such as cousins, great Aunts, not real relations but still called Auntie by the kids etc... get a box of biscuits if we like them.

How to survive Christmas gift buying - have a set of rules. Stick to them. Be tough but fair.

PuppyMonkey · 14/12/2018 13:10

TBH, I think what you actually said to her at the time is fine OP. That will get back to SIL via your MIL and she can squirm to her heart’s content.

AndSheWas85 · 14/12/2018 13:11

@MatildaTheCat that reply is just perfect, there really is no arguing with that

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