To go tit-for-tat on SIL's Birthday?

[QuizzlyBear]

Ok, so (as a bit of background) my DH's brother and his wife are nice enough people, very well-off - they are much more materialistic and put a lot more stock in appearances than us, but it takes all sorts. I only raise that as it's relevant!

Both work full time and earn a very substantial wage (over £250k pa in total). We are full and part-time respectively and earn less than half of that, with more outgoings.

They have been together for about 13 years and every year we have bought them both Christmas presents and birthday presents. (DH buys for his brother and since I do everyone else's presents, I buy for her). I know from previous things she's said and the reactions she's had to other gifts that her standards are high and she expects 'decent' presents (her words). I've spent probably £30-50 on her birthday present each year (trying to utilise the last minute sales as her birthday is right after Christmas!)

In all those years, they've bought me two presents for my birthday (a few days after hers). One was a bead necklace, which was nice (but I suspect regifted as it wasn't my style) and the other was a Superdrug smelly set which I know cost £4.99 because my colleague bought the same one for a random person she drew in secret Santa.

Every other year I've not even received a card or a text or a Facebook message. So I felt like a mug and told my DH (who was in complete agreement) that I wasn't buying her birthday gifts anymore. Fine.

Except last time was her 40th and afterwards my MIL kept asking 'when will you be giving SIL her present? It IS her 40th...' I've been hearing about it non-stop (though I should be clear, I received nothing from them for MY 40th) and I'm wondering - am I just being petty? I don't like the idea that 'we only give to receive' but I also don't want to feel like an unappreciated doormat...

@winterisstillcoming I love that! TBF if we had that level of petty competition going I could get quite into the spirit of it!

Sadly my SIL would rather die than enter into a tat-for-tat competition. She's the type that has an account at Harrods Food Hall and refused a courtesy car while her Range Rover was in the shop because she 'wasn't driving a Ford'

I would actually stop the giving. I did this years ago: a couple of relatives weren't happy and kept saying 'oh but we've bought you something' or 'well I'm still getting you something' but I didn't budge and they got nothing. So they did stop. It just makes it easier and less stressful. Your SIL isn't going to want to stop, as she obviously is doing very well out of the arrangement! May be too late this year, but set your stall out for next year and stick to it!

Tbh, I would buy her a little something if it's her 40th - but I would keep it really little (£10 or so: bottle of prosecco/flowers?) - and then stop after that. I think stopping ON a 40th looks pointed (even if she started it) as it is one lots of people would expect to mark. If asked in future years I would absolutely use the 'I thought we'd stopped as xx haven't given me anything for the last xx years' approach though.

I have the opposite problem. Every year a friend gives me a shitty Christmas present that I don't want - horrible bobbly-hat-and-scarf sets from Primark that I'll never wear, big tin of the cheapest chocolate biscuits that are almost out of date etc.. Every year I rant at her to stop giving me presents (I don't add "that I put in the bin") but there's no stopping her I don't want to have to buy Christmas presents for anyone but my closest family, and I want to get them really nice ones. Any old shit doesn't count as a present.

As mentioned by pp, re-gift your SiL the cheap tat she gives you.

@fanomoninon I would buy her a token present, but I think I'd take as much heat for that as for nothing since she'd have a face like a slapped bum if I gave her Prosecco and not champagne or 'normal' flowers instead of a hand-tied bunch of artisan roses grown by fucking monks on a Himalayan hillside (they ommm at the roses twice daily).

I may be a little bitter, after all

My partners sisters are awful for this. I refuse point blank to get involved in present buying for them anymore and leave it all to him. We have a meet up a few days before xmas where they all exchange gifts. I am the one that sits there with nada, we always buy a small gift for the youngest sister's partner and the middle sisters husband. I just smile and ignore.

Middle sister is a cheeky bitch though, didn't even so much as text to wish our oldest ds a happy birthday letalone send him a card, but text my partner to remind him when her husbands birthday was though a few days before.

Tell MIL you are trying to find a similar gift as SIL bought you as you love it so much.
MIL and SIL are CFs

Surely you've pointed out to your MiL that SiL got you nothing for your 40th? What did she say?

Ohhh, wait a minute, has her birthday been and gone? In that case, simples, just tell MIL that they have only bought a present for you twice in the last 13 years, so you assumed that they didn't want to. Personally I'd get that in proactively rather than waiting for her to ask, as clearly your MIL is getting grief from her, and worth her knowing the full story...

@DeepanKrispanEven (love the username, btw)

I did reply when MIL raised it, but in all honesty I was so surprised by her bringing it up - in a disapproving way too - that I may have just gone red and stammered out something along the lines of 'well, I didn't think we were doing presents, as they didn't get me one' which I think made me sound a) about eight and b) grabby.

I wish I'd been prepared with some of these responses!

Though I do love the gift-giving part of Christmas, I think I'd actually prefer to just stick to buying for the kids, our parents and DH now. So many presents just go to waste as they're not used.

Problem is, my family reacted with horror when I raised introducing a spending limit, or a secret Santa and I felt like the Grinch

Just give what you can afford - no more. She can suck it up like an adult. Be strong. Here's a tip - they already look down on you so working hard to keep to their 'standards' is a waste of time. Be yourself. Give whatever you want. You don't owe her anything.
PS. Your hubby needs to grow a pair and tell his sister (or brother) to behave themselves. He could point out that he's tempted to give her exactly the same as she gave his wife for her 40th.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this.

Like you say, you don't want to be petty but you don't want to feel like a mug either.

Some people will say you don't give to receive but when you are clearly putting in time, effort & cost for your SIL & getting nothing back it's time to say enough is enough.

We sent gifts/cards to my IL's for years. They live away so each time we had postage as an added cost but my birthday would come & go with not so much as a Happy Birthday. When I eventually plucked up the courage to question it they said they forgot because I was no longer on Facebook so didn't know when my birthday was. I thought that was bullshit so told them that's fine but going forward they don't send for us & we won't send for them. It was awkward but a huge weight of resentment off my shoulders after that.

artisan roses grown by fucking monks on a Himalayan hillside (they ommm at the roses twice daily).

So they expect decent presents but they've bought you two in a decade?

I would've stopped after the first year she ignored your birthday.

I'd keep it simple and say that you thought you weren't doing them any more as the last time you received one was 2012 (or whenever it was).

I too have stopped buying for DH's siblings/nieces/nephews this year. If DH wants to he can -he won't- but I'm not putting the mental effort in anymore.
Every year I rush around buying things that I really want them to like while every year they get nothing at all for my DC (nor us but I'm not so fussed about that).
Last year I was given an obviously hastily wrapped box of Lindt chocolate (the paper was re-used and had been sealed with brown packing tape). I guess it was something they'd been given that they didn't want. I felt like shoving it up their nose!

This Christmas should be interesting.....

I have a friend who is terminally tight and constantly re-gifts really inappropriate presents to me ie things saying "such a blonde moment" when I'm not blonde. She also gave me a photo book called "50 sheds of grey" with 50 photos of grey sheds. I wondered why she had given it to me then realised it was another re-gift.

The most annoying thing is that she puts bows and things on it and looks really delighted to be giving it - it means I am forced to say "Sheds! Oh marvellous!"

I had been spending initially £60 on her, then took it down to £30 now I make it a bar of chocolate and a bunch of daffodils etc. It actually makes me dislike her due to the pathological tightness, she has much, much more money than I do.

I would rather no gift than a really obvious and unsuitable re-gift wrapped in a bow.

This kind of PA behaviour happens in my husbands family. Just be honest " SIL set the tone when she didn't give me anything for her bday." At a push give to a charity on her behalf and put the donation in a card. Maybe name a donkey after her or something?

You could say you don't want to embarrass her as she always forgets yours you thought it would be mean to highlight that by getting her something.

@thighofrelief you see I'm quite competitive and I'd probably relish the idea of a race to the bottom, even if I'm the only one playing.

I'd be scouring the shops from September in order to find the crappiest, most inappropriate gift I could, just so that I could hand it to her (wrapped in tin foil) with a big smile on my face and the light of victory in my eyes...

you are not being petty at all. But you certainly need to nip this in the bud before any further conversations come up. I would simply say 'I know, I can't believe she's reaching the big 4-0. I remember mine like it was yesterday. Oh what am I getting her? We aren't doing gifts as we never have in the past, and i'm sure we will be keeping it that way.' I would however buy a nice card and put a nice phrase poem in.

We've refused to do Adult presents this Christmas because of two members of the Family that do similar.

We are about to announce, we'll before my Birthday, the first of the year, that we won't be doing Birthdays, either.

It saves a lot of resentment.

@winterisstillcoming Oh my God, I LOVE the idea of naming a donkey after her! Or a rat.

They live close to London Zoo - I bet they have suitably low-rent animals (hopefully also at low-rent prices) we can slap her name on.

Before I saw your last post I was just thinking i’d Take the race to the bottom approach. Was going to suggest a bottle of Lambrini and some carnations but then thought of Poundland and there’s one of those photo frames where you can put in a few photos, grand total of a £1 and you could then print on some normal paper pictures of MIL etc.

I'm so glad to hear that I'm not being petty and shallow - I know our philosophies on life are very different and I was worried that it coloured my view of all things SIL.

I'm also amazed to hear how common this is!