To go tit-for-tat on SIL's Birthday?

[QuizzlyBear]

Ok, so (as a bit of background) my DH's brother and his wife are nice enough people, very well-off - they are much more materialistic and put a lot more stock in appearances than us, but it takes all sorts. I only raise that as it's relevant!

Both work full time and earn a very substantial wage (over £250k pa in total). We are full and part-time respectively and earn less than half of that, with more outgoings.

They have been together for about 13 years and every year we have bought them both Christmas presents and birthday presents. (DH buys for his brother and since I do everyone else's presents, I buy for her). I know from previous things she's said and the reactions she's had to other gifts that her standards are high and she expects 'decent' presents (her words). I've spent probably £30-50 on her birthday present each year (trying to utilise the last minute sales as her birthday is right after Christmas!)

In all those years, they've bought me two presents for my birthday (a few days after hers). One was a bead necklace, which was nice (but I suspect regifted as it wasn't my style) and the other was a Superdrug smelly set which I know cost £4.99 because my colleague bought the same one for a random person she drew in secret Santa.

Every other year I've not even received a card or a text or a Facebook message. So I felt like a mug and told my DH (who was in complete agreement) that I wasn't buying her birthday gifts anymore. Fine.

Except last time was her 40th and afterwards my MIL kept asking 'when will you be giving SIL her present? It IS her 40th...' I've been hearing about it non-stop (though I should be clear, I received nothing from them for MY 40th) and I'm wondering - am I just being petty? I don't like the idea that 'we only give to receive' but I also don't want to feel like an unappreciated doormat...

oh, I assumed we weren't really doing presents anymore, as I got the impression sil would rather not, as I didn't receive anything further my 40th. That works nicely for me though, so I'm happy to carry on with things this way

Sorry I mean I agree with the pp who said what I posted above!

I suppose I should take the moral high ground (I DO love the view) and just brazen it out, rather than take the piss out of her (even if it would bring me massive satisfaction)...

Rubaiyatofanyone you have quite literally made my shitty week much better

My dad got my mom that 50 Sheds of grey book a couple of years ago... But he did say it was a joke while she unwrapped it... and the punchline was he'd decided to buy her a beautiful 'she-shed' for the garden but wanted to let her pick her own out so hid the website address in the middle of the book on a note explaining.

My dad does good presents!

They aren't even sending you cards or texts to say happy birthday, so no, you're not being petty.

Maybe it's only me, but doesn't everyone give gifts of equivalent value to the gifts they themselves receive? I do.
It need not be an issue, nor need there be any hidden resentment. It's just normal, isn't it?

So you were given nothing for your 40th & you gave nothing for hers?

Wtf does MIL care so much?

What does your husband think (if anything) of brothers wives not exchanging presents?

Do you have DC? Get them to make something for Auntie's '50th'. Preferably something that involves lots and lots of glitter and somekind of upcycled household waste. When he was 3 DS made me a necklace out of wire with two squished Nespresso pods and various garish feathers stuck on with a glue gun. Bonus points if it's something she HAS to wear so as not to disappoint her DN(s?).

Actually my DH is pretty pissed off on my behalf, even though his brother is quite generous on DHs birthday! He's fully behind me no longer buying for SIL. His family are a bit odd and quick to upset though so he's loathe to say anything that might lead to further stress.

There's a lot of tension and past history there so I can't really blame him for not wanting to kick the hornets nest. For those that say that he should buy her present instead, not only is he a lazy fucker at gift buying but he refuses to buy her anything when they don't offer me the same courtesy.

@diddl MIL frankly has far too much time on her hands since she retired and has aspirations towards being some kind of dramatic family matriarch.

She's decided to become heavily involved in 'her' family relationships and it's weighted in favour of BIL and SIL

Just regift her the tat she gave you for your birthday. Job done :)

I actually get really hurt when people give me shitty generic presents. It’s not about the price but the obvious lack of care or consideration that goes into them.

Over the years my SIL (I’m detecting a theme here) has got me all manner of cheap supermarket tat: the ubiquitous Bayliss & Fucking Harding one year, a custard jug with instant custard sachet and tea towel another year She’s also a master of regifting crap she gets for free via her job/friends.

Once we both had kids I gently suggested we just buy for them.

@Haworthia You're right, I'd honestly rather have received a cheap card (or even a text!) than the cheap, generic 'token' gift. It screams 'I don't care about you or know much about you, but I have to buy you something for social conventions'.

It only gets binned and I feel guilty for chucking (a small amount of) money away.

I agree Haworthia and Quizzly to me the re-gifting of shit seems aggressive. If you can tell they have literally gone in their re-gifting cupboard and just picked anything it really sticks in the craw to say thank you. But i don't object to re-gifting in and of itself. I think people you are not close to but who do you a service - a regular lollipop lady or something - that's where the hand creams and candles go.

Just send her a nice card. I wouldn't buy anything, I'm not a petty person but I have enough things to buy and remember and if people consistently stop buying for me my DCs I just assume they want to call it a day and stop too.

I’ve had decades of either crap gifts from DHs brother and SIL or they have entirely ignored it.
They have been marginally better with DH in that they always acknowledge it at least. They did buy him a weekend away (with them) for a significant birthday but we always got the sense they expected us to return with the same (no chance).
DH has been very very generous to the pair of them. The last significant birthday SIL they wanted cash for something, DH gave her A LOT of money. For mine, from them I got a shitty pleather bag that cost £30.
It has been the final straw. For BILs last land mark birthday he bought him something very small and cheap.
BIL was furious. He said he though DH was also going to make up for his parents not being alive? (His parents had once promised him a holiday for it, probably not realising the expense) way way off the mark though...
Reap what you sow.......

I've had a present that said 'not for resale' on it. ie it was a free gift. It was tatty as well.

Poundland and street markets are the best place for passive aggressive tit for tat presents. One Christmas when an aunt had pissed me off thoroughly I gave everyone but her velvet scarves or posh bags. I found a tatty little shop that sold sateen brocade bags for £1 and picked out one with a nasty stain on it for my aunt. I did this knowing she would open it in front of her family. For those thinking it was harsh she had a history of gifts to me such as the book ‘How To Be A Complete Bitch’. I was 14 years old and my DM was furious.

Hello thigh, we must stop meeting like this.

Pussy we obviously have selective tastes in fun threads!

I’ve just realised reading your thread OP, that I’ve been with my husband for nearly 13 years and I’ve never had a birthday present, card or acknowledgement from my DH’s brother and his wife. Never. My DH is expected to spend a fortune on his SIL on her birthday. It’s never occurred to me before; I feel a bit stupid now.

I’ve only received one Christmas present from them too. An item that didn’t fit at all and they’d left the label on (£2.50). It was also signed from their DC and not them.

God they must hate me!

In your position OP, I’d just say you thought you weren’t doing presents anymore and just leave it at that.

@Osirus you're a more tolerant woman than me! I'd have kicked off (at least to my DH) years before that - do your ILs at least send 'birthday wishes' or so they just disregard the day of your birth entirely?

And £2.50? I'd bet good money that the label on your gift wasn't left on by 'mistake'...