Overbearing SMIL

[FishFingersAndCustard11]

My step mother in law has DD once a week on a Thursday. This wasnt mine or DH's idea. It wasn't a problem though, because it's when we do our weekly shop so it fit in nicely.

I live 230 miles away from my mum. Travel is expensive and sometimes she pays over £100, depending on how close she books the tickets. My mum came up on Wednesday evening last week. I messaged SMIL with my apologises and said we're going to have to give the weekly visit a miss, because it was the first full day my mum was coming up. It didn't seem right her granddaughter not being here. I made it clear that SMIL is more than welcome to come up instead so she can see her, or she can have her later on in the week if she wanted her alone. She text back a short reply but I thought nothing off it.

Fast forward a week, my mum has left. Yesterday my SMIL caught my husband in town. She started saying to him I was pushing her out and taking advantage of her. Apparently when my mum comes up I want nothing to do with SMIL and it makes her very upset and she feels as if I'm using her for babysitting services. I would of spoke up if I was there but I wasn't. It feels wrong to message her now about it because DH handled it. He didn't add points I would of added though, which has left me feeling as if more things need to be said but as I said, I don't want to bring it up again. She was still very annoyed with DH and has said to him 'I need to see DGD ASAP' she also wants to increase the visits to 3 times a week, and once overnight a week when I stop breastfeeding her in the night. I feel that's far too much for her to have her.

I'm worried if I say no then she would say I'm pushing her out. AIBU in saying no, I want to keep to our weekly arrangements or should I negotiate/just agree with SMIL and let her have her them times to avoid arguing. Am I also being unreasonable for not letting SMIL have her the first day my mum comes up.

Reading this back I can hear how much of a pushover I sound I have PND, with no family around. DH works 60 hours a week and I'm a stay at home mum. I have no friends or family within a 200 mile radius. I feel isolated and SMIL is the only person I have to talk to that lives near by. That's why why it's important to me I keep the peace. I feel so down at times and all of this is stressing me out left right and centre.

Sorry it's such a long post and thank you for reading it

There's a group on Tuesday which I'm going to go to. It's a messy play one in the morning. I'm bricking it but it's a step!

DH's sister isn't a nice girl. She is known for her spiteful and manipulative antics. She has admitted to peer pressuring a younger child (about 12) to drink alcohol at a party and laughed about it and said it was all 'banter'.

Fucking hell, your DD is not a doll to pass around so that everyone has their share.

Neither does SMIL get to dictate when DD is with her - she's not got joint custody or something like a parent

You need to nip this in the bud now because it's only going to get worse as DD gets older and needs time/space/energy for doing things she wants to do (hobbies, seeing friends, not having to travel to relatives etc).

Time to distance yourself from Stepmonster. She has already broken her own daughter, She doesn't get your baby for half of her life. No way!

Well done on thinking about going to the group next week OP, small steps, but hopefully everyone will be friendly and make you feel welcome.

I live in a rural area, but we had a baby/toddler group in our village and other villages nearby.

Try and chat to people, small talk, ask about the baby, about them, if there's anything else to do in the area.

I made one of my best friends through the toddler group and our DC have gone through school together.

Check out your local library, childrens centre, swimming pool, for any activites that you can do.

Good luck!

Why on earth would you allow your SMIL to have unsupervised access to your daughter when you know that she lied about and abused your husband as a child?

Use this as an opportunity to break free from her. She is angry anyway--may as well stop the weekly unsupervised contact now and get it over with

It sounds like you need to build up your support network. It is very isolating being in with a wee one and it can take time to establish a network but stick at it - they are worth their weight in gold. Don’t expect to make friends overnight and remember the other mums will often feel as nervous as you! And say “yes” to everything - a walk, a coffee after a class , doing stuff you wouldn’t really normally fancy doing.
Speak to your Health Visitor as they may be able to help with classes etc.
And tell SMIL to but out!

So, she's moulded her daughter after herself, you don't want your daughter to end up the same, or to have to suffer at their hands if she rebels against them.

What are you going to do?

You need to keep your daughter safe, and that means no more unsupervised contact with this monster. Because that’s what she is - and you need to make sure she doesn’t get her claws into dd

@FishFingersAndCustard11

Try the Mum meetup app Mush, I didn't have any friends before I used it. Hoop is a good app too for finding activities to do with your baby where you may make friends as well.

3 times a week and an overnight is a ridiculous request from your SMIL, especially when you're a SAHM. It's an even more bizarre request considering she accused you of using her for babysitting. It sounds like she's insecure and maybe feels threatened by the blood grandmother.

She shouldn't be worried though, babies form secure attachments to the people who regularly care for them and she's one of those people. Maybe she just needs reassurance?

Any chance you can move closer to your mum or his grand parents? Maybe it seemed like she changed but not that much if she is using this event to push for partial custody of your child.

I'm gonna slowly back away from smil. She's not going to have unsupervised contact. Reading all these comments I will be reassured that no matter what she says, I'm not being unreasonable in denying her this. Thank you everyone.

As for the groups, I'm slowly starting to look forward to it but I'm still more anxious than anything.

@IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea
Thank you :) I will have a look at the app. I didn't know they have apps for things like this!? I'm most likely living under a rock though 

@wafflyversatile
I am literally dying to move to the same town as my mum. I moved up to wear I am now because there was promising job opportunities for DP and SMIL and FIL helped us to get a place. They paid the lot really and we're in the process of paying them back. I can hands down say that was honestly the biggest mistake of my life. I can't afford to move now, I can't for a long time. I'm saving up but it wouldn't surprise me if it takes years.

@FishFingersAndCustard11

"Thank you smile I will have a look at the app. I didn't know they have apps for things like this!? I'm most likely living under a rock though"

I didn't know they had apps like that either, my husband found it because he was worried about how sad and lonely I was on maternity leave. I hope it helps you as well.

I would start making trips to go visit your Mum at least you can catch up with friends then too.

Glad you realise SMIL is not suddenly a "nice" person.