Overbearing SMIL

[FishFingersAndCustard11]

My step mother in law has DD once a week on a Thursday. This wasnt mine or DH's idea. It wasn't a problem though, because it's when we do our weekly shop so it fit in nicely.

I live 230 miles away from my mum. Travel is expensive and sometimes she pays over £100, depending on how close she books the tickets. My mum came up on Wednesday evening last week. I messaged SMIL with my apologises and said we're going to have to give the weekly visit a miss, because it was the first full day my mum was coming up. It didn't seem right her granddaughter not being here. I made it clear that SMIL is more than welcome to come up instead so she can see her, or she can have her later on in the week if she wanted her alone. She text back a short reply but I thought nothing off it.

Fast forward a week, my mum has left. Yesterday my SMIL caught my husband in town. She started saying to him I was pushing her out and taking advantage of her. Apparently when my mum comes up I want nothing to do with SMIL and it makes her very upset and she feels as if I'm using her for babysitting services. I would of spoke up if I was there but I wasn't. It feels wrong to message her now about it because DH handled it. He didn't add points I would of added though, which has left me feeling as if more things need to be said but as I said, I don't want to bring it up again. She was still very annoyed with DH and has said to him 'I need to see DGD ASAP' she also wants to increase the visits to 3 times a week, and once overnight a week when I stop breastfeeding her in the night. I feel that's far too much for her to have her.

I'm worried if I say no then she would say I'm pushing her out. AIBU in saying no, I want to keep to our weekly arrangements or should I negotiate/just agree with SMIL and let her have her them times to avoid arguing. Am I also being unreasonable for not letting SMIL have her the first day my mum comes up.

Reading this back I can hear how much of a pushover I sound I have PND, with no family around. DH works 60 hours a week and I'm a stay at home mum. I have no friends or family within a 200 mile radius. I feel isolated and SMIL is the only person I have to talk to that lives near by. That's why why it's important to me I keep the peace. I feel so down at times and all of this is stressing me out left right and centre.

Sorry it's such a long post and thank you for reading it

[WorraLiberty]

Gosh she's only a step parent, why is she so attached to a step child, I'd be worried tbh.

Because for all we know she may have raised him since he was a baby?

My DH is 'only a step parent' to my 19yr old but has been since he was 18 months.

[Bluetrews25]

If she is feeling used, apologise, and say 'well, let's stop doing that then so you don't feel used'. She can't feel used and then insist on more of the same! That does not add up.
And please NEVER start to use her as regular childcare if you return to work, this would not go well.

[MumW]

Regularly 3 times a week plus an overnight is ridiculous especially as you are a SAHM. You need to nip that in the bud now.

I would also suggest you find some Mum's groups and start making your own little social circle. It's not healthy for either you or DD to be so isolated and reliant on SMIL.
SMIL is luckier than many biologicalGPs to have a regular weekly slot.

You need to make sure DH is totally aware that SMIL was invited to join you on Thursday and offered an alternative day. She has absolutely no right to feel pushed out.

[NonaGrey]

Gosh she's only a step parent, why is she so attached to a step child, I'd be worried tbh.

That’s an appalling thing to say Romany Lots of step parents have incredibly close relationships with their step children.

She no doubt considers the OP’s DD as her GC.

[RomanyRoots]

Nona

They aren't one of the parents though, they don't get to dictate like the OP step mil.
She's nothing to the child and is making demands hence "only a step grandma* Not even a step parent.

[FishFingersAndCustard11]

@Missingstreetlife
No, not biologically

SMIL was around since DH was 3 maybe 4 (he can't quite remember). DH lived with his grandparents. His dad won custody in a custody battle against dh's mum. DH and SMIL didn't get on at all. There was quite a few incidents about SMIL lying about DH (for example saying to dh's dad that DH smashed a valuable China plate when in fact it was her own son). There was also a incident of SMIL slapping DH round the face. because of this, FIL sent DH and his younger brother to live with FIL's parents. DH's mum never objected to this (reason unknown).

DD is 15 months old

I have looked into a group but I'm so nervous about going and DH is always too busy working to come with. I guess im gunna have to bite the bullet and go at least once to few times to try and get some friends.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I have read every reply. Sorry mine are coming a bit slow, I'm multitasking

[Bunnymumma]

@FishFingersAndCustard11 A couple of sessions in, you'll find your people. Trust yourself and enjoy the process of making some friends for yourself! And take some tips from The Doctor and use jelly babies to break the ice!

[cuppycakey]

I need to see DGD ASAP' she also wants to increase the visits to 3 times a week, and once overnight a week when I stop breastfeeding her in the night. I feel that's far too much for her to have her.

Please tell me you won't be doing this? You already know she is abusive. I wouldn't let her have access to my child alone at all. This is your DD and she needs you to protect her.

[Bluetrews25]

What? SMIL abused your DH?
And you think it's ok for her to have your DC?
She will not have changed - please stop this arrangement now.
Get yourself to those groups, you will always have one friend there - your DC - it is hard at first but does get easier the more you go.

[UnknownStuntman]

"We thought it was important that DD spent some time with her grandmother instead of the child minder this week"

[DartmoorDoughnut]

SMIL can get to fuck with her demands. Not up to her when she sees your DD or how long she sees her for.

[Missingstreetlife]

She abused your dh, he didn't live with her but with gps. His dad didn't stand up for him. Dp doesn't like her. She's bullying you and being possessive about your child over your mum, who IS her granny.
I don't think so. I would consider going no contact, at the very least supervised contact. What is your child getting out of this relationship, now or in future. How did she get her hooks in. She needs putting in her place very firmly. Good luck to you and your dp

[CrazyOldBagLady]

I'd try not to let this blow up into some sort of drama. If the weekly arrangement suits everyone, and DD enjoys her relationship with her GM then let it stand and try to remain on good terms.

I agree with whoever said maybe MIL was put out at the last minute change of plan, it could have been managed in advance at drop off and you could have explained that her other GM is in town and reminded her in person that they don't get to see each other often.

It might be a good idea to say something at the next drop off about it and say it slipped your mind but you should have told her.

I wouldn't even mention extra visits unless she brings it up in person with you. She might realise it's a bit much once the dust settles and not mention it. If you and her usually get along maybe you could invite her out with you and DD a bit more and have a cuppa at soft play together perhaps? She might feel like more of a valued GM and part of the family rather than someone who watches DD so you can shop

[Ceecee18]

She wants what???? That's more than most non-resident parents get. I'd definitely be telling her no and stopping the current arrangement. Does she have any daughters? Or is it perhaps that she always wanted a daughter?

[Jamiefraserskilt]

Don't bring up her demands. You are the gatekeeper and if she asks you about her convo with dh, say you were waiting for her to discuss with you direct.
If your mum is not a regular visitor then I am sure moving her day to another is no biggie...well it shouldn't be!
What happens if you have another thing with dd on that day? Is she gonna go loco about that too?
If she asks about extra days, just say that dd is still young and your current arrangement is working sooooo well but if she insists, you will need to decline. You do not need to explain why except to repeat, it works well as it is now.
I guess you will be bf til she is 12 if this continues!
I have to say reading your op that her demands match those of a nr parent rather than a smil!

[CryingMessFFS]

She abused your DH when he was a child do not allow her any more contact, what is she playing at? She’s lucky she’s allowed any unsupervised contact at all, tbh I wouldn’t allow her any due to being abusive. Awful woman.

[HollowTalk]

Given the update, I wouldn't even give her the time of day, never mind my only child!

A lot of people are nervous before going to a toddler group, OP. Some people will know others there, obviously, but an awful lot won't. If you go to a few then you'll make some new friends.

In the meantime, tell your SMIL that she isn't going to see your child unless you're there too. She didn't even look after your husband when he was little - why does she think she has the right to look after his child?

[FishFingersAndCustard11]

@Bunnymumma loved doctor who since I was a child 

@Jamiefraserskilt
'I guess you will be bf til she is 12 if this continues!'
Considering it!

Someone also asked how did she get her hooks in (apologies for not finding who said it). It was because she started becoming supportive in the pregnancy and DH decided to make bridges after seeing how 'kind' she had become. She done loads for us through the pregnancy. Bought us a second hand travel system, a new Moses basket and stand and loads of clothes. She was nice in messages and in person and seemed to of changed from the wicked woman she once was. DH's relationship with his biological mother has always been on the rocks, he was so willing to build a relationship with SMIL simply because he wants a mother figure. His relationship isn't that great with his father either. It's much better with his grandparents but they own and run a hotel so we don't speak much because they're (understandably) always busy.

My mum only visits for one week every 5 months. Sometimes twice in a 5 month period. Me and my mum are incredibly close and speak every day on the phone. She video calls dd often and absolutely adores her. This means that we treasure the time she comes up.

[TwistedStitch]

So she is actually just the abusive woman whom your DH's rubbish Dad married and gave up his kids for. Why on earth is she even having all this contact and in a situation where she thinks she can demand overnights etc? Ridiculous.

[ohfourfoxache]

Like fuck would she be having my kids given how she has behaved in the past

Seriously, this isn’t your fault. But you do need to put your big girl pants on.

Please go to some groups, we’re all in the same boat and I bet you’ll meet some lovely people

[fuzzywuzzy]

I really wouldn’t even entertain the insane new regime your SMIL wants.

You realise if you keep this up she can go to court for ‘grandparents rights’ and demand you continue the agreed precedent of her having your baby this ridiculous amount of time?

I’d start to draw back from the current arrangement too start having plans as a family. And join baby classes and playgroups you’ll soon make friends.

Your dh doesn’t sound like he was very supportive of you with your SMIL.

She sounds like she hasn’t changed at all from his childhood to be honest. She’s being nice to you because you have something she wants. Your baby.

[FishFingersAndCustard11]

@Ceecee18
She has a 15yo daughter

[poglets]

I got walked all over by my in laws when I was a new mother. They took over my life under the guise of 'helping'. It took me 4+ years to get back control of my home, life, and kids. I had a DH problem. I bitterly regret allowing it and still resent them. I put my foot down and now I don't give a flying fuck who is upset. I am protecting my relationship with my children, my primacy as their mother and our bond.

Perhaps it was a little late notice to let your step MIL know but it was an exceptional circumstance where your own mother rarely visits. Also, you offered an alternative date and said she was welcome to come to see you.

Given your updates and now knowing how toxic and manipulative she is, YADNBU! Up to you but I would not allow 3 visits a week (just why?) and there would be no overnight stays whatsoever. She won't like it but too bad. She has no right to that much access and you should be with your child so that they feel secure and aren't confused by strange caregiver dynamics. It will cause problems for you in the longer term. Also, given her behaviors, your SMIL is not someone who should be left alone with a child without supervision. She lies, she seems overly invested and this is a threat to you. Don't put up with it for a second.

[Twisique]

In order not to offend her again I would keep your DD at home on a Thursday, always. She sounds vile!

[badirene]

@FishFingersAndCustard11

DH and SMIL didn't get on at all.
There was quite a few incidents about SMIL lying about DH
There was also a incident of SMIL slapping DH round the face
Because of this, FIL sent DH and his younger brother to live with FIL's parents

Reading your update OP this woman is abusive, she has isolated your DH from his DF, had him and his brother removed from the family home for no good reason, made her own children the priority over your DH and his DB when they were young, and was also physically violent.

This sudden change of character to loving GM is not to be trusted and it seems like it has the potential to be abusive to you and your poor DH again, she is now making demands on your family and interfering in the relationship between your DM and your DC.

The way I see it she is abusing your DH all over again, this SuperGran behaviour must hurt your DH and make him wonder what he did wrong as a little boy to not receive the same loving care and instead be forced from the family home. I would distance myself from her. She is an abuser and is now onto abusing the next generation of the same family.