Overbearing SMIL

[FishFingersAndCustard11]

My step mother in law has DD once a week on a Thursday. This wasnt mine or DH's idea. It wasn't a problem though, because it's when we do our weekly shop so it fit in nicely.

I live 230 miles away from my mum. Travel is expensive and sometimes she pays over £100, depending on how close she books the tickets. My mum came up on Wednesday evening last week. I messaged SMIL with my apologises and said we're going to have to give the weekly visit a miss, because it was the first full day my mum was coming up. It didn't seem right her granddaughter not being here. I made it clear that SMIL is more than welcome to come up instead so she can see her, or she can have her later on in the week if she wanted her alone. She text back a short reply but I thought nothing off it.

Fast forward a week, my mum has left. Yesterday my SMIL caught my husband in town. She started saying to him I was pushing her out and taking advantage of her. Apparently when my mum comes up I want nothing to do with SMIL and it makes her very upset and she feels as if I'm using her for babysitting services. I would of spoke up if I was there but I wasn't. It feels wrong to message her now about it because DH handled it. He didn't add points I would of added though, which has left me feeling as if more things need to be said but as I said, I don't want to bring it up again. She was still very annoyed with DH and has said to him 'I need to see DGD ASAP' she also wants to increase the visits to 3 times a week, and once overnight a week when I stop breastfeeding her in the night. I feel that's far too much for her to have her.

I'm worried if I say no then she would say I'm pushing her out. AIBU in saying no, I want to keep to our weekly arrangements or should I negotiate/just agree with SMIL and let her have her them times to avoid arguing. Am I also being unreasonable for not letting SMIL have her the first day my mum comes up.

Reading this back I can hear how much of a pushover I sound I have PND, with no family around. DH works 60 hours a week and I'm a stay at home mum. I have no friends or family within a 200 mile radius. I feel isolated and SMIL is the only person I have to talk to that lives near by. That's why why it's important to me I keep the peace. I feel so down at times and all of this is stressing me out left right and centre.

Sorry it's such a long post and thank you for reading it

[Missingstreetlife]

Fuzzy shut up, no such thing as gp rights, read the thread she isn't even a gp. Contact is the right of a child, this is not a significant relationship.
Why do people who know nothing chat such rubbish to frighten op who needs support. Check your facts.

[Lollypop701]

Yanbu op. What do you want to do? What is your gut feeling? Your child, your family. Do what makes you happy... oh and definitely go to a mums group, get out . It’s scary and might take a few weeks till you settle in but you’ll be fine. Good luck

[Maelstrop]

She can just fuck off, OP, she has no right to see a non-related child and it is up to YOU, as the mother, to choose when others get to see your dd. Don't let her dictate to you, how bloody cheeky is she?! 3 times a week and an overnight? I wouldn't be leaving dd with her at all given she was physically abusive to your DH.

Understand that you are in charge here, you don't have to give her any time with your child. She's being ridiculous asking for three times a week. You're the mum, not her.

[MumW]

You can do the Mums and Tots groups. Look out for several different ones (play/music/gym/swimming/Etc) and give them all a go for a few weeks and then decide which ones suit you best.

Don't forget to come back here and let us know how you get on.

[Kaleela]

Sorry, is this your SMIL or the estranged father of your child working out a custody agreement???? Three visits a week and an overnight, tell her shes delusional.

[Suresurelah]

Okay, so maybe it was late to call to cancel BUT you offered an alternative day etc. Any reasonable person, would have completely understood...especially as you only see your own mother a handful of times per year. This just reeks of jealousy and possessiveness of your DD.

Please remember, that you are your DD’s mother. Only YOU get to decide, who gets alone time with your child. She has no right to dictate how often etc she sees her nor that she has an overnight, so she can play ‘mummy’.

Please stop trying to appease her, because you don’t have many friends etc (and yes I do know how hard this is as l have experienced this myself). She’s using your loneliness/PDA in order to set her own agenda. She’s not being kind and hasn’t changed from the vile SM that hit and lied about your DH.

Nip this in the bud now. Repeat ad vertum thank you, but that doesn’t work for us. Ignore any tantrums and in fact if she ups the anti....just stop letting her have your DD, until she falls into line.

FYI, if you are nervous about joining a mother and toddler group, have you thought about doing a ‘music class’? I preferred these, as l would be singing etc with my DC, so it took the pressure off of trying to make small talk initially. I went on to make some good friends as often the same group of parents would stay and play after the class (these were based in a soft play centre).

[kateandme]

sounds like once again she was all nice until she ow isn't getting what she wants.control.ownership of a family member etc etc.
but I could be reading something way into it their.and she could be lovely.its so easy on mn to make stories from words when we don't no the background of course.
I know you say the gps are always busy but never stop trying to keep it touch hun.even ifts is writing a letter.or phoning.or doing one of those soppy cards from your new dc(obviously you) they would love that and it would mean you get to distract and reach outside the circle a bit.
how would your mum help if she was here.how and what would she ba able to say do you think to help you into the outside world a bit more.
I know its terrifying to go out and start that thing "new" but once you've don't it.once you've crossed that line its over.we fear and fear things and you no what ear does?it builds stories.and suddenly you've got from.i cant do this.im tired.i cant go to group I will look tired.and a mess! why am I such a mess.how have I failed.why is it so hard to go out.whats wrong with me.ill never be free.ill never meet any friends again!etc etc and so far are you from the initial just going out for a coffee.and why...because of your head.non of the beliefs you just spiraled into have happened but it still feels dam scary. but igf you just stop at the fear.face it let it come.and let it go.and then just keep on going.
you deserve a life too now.or to at least feel a bit lighter in yourself.

[MerryMarigold]

I think she will use her relationship with your dd to control you. She'll then play your dd against you when she's older, or use her to manipulate you once your dd can understand things. I'd drop the contact now while dd is too small to remember. Why would she love your dd if she didn't love.her dad? She's just using your dd for entertainment while she's still cute. Ps. What is her 15yo like? If she's a nice girl then maybe SMIL isn't all bad and I'd allow supervised contact.

[Notnowok]

3 times a week including overnight is she trying to replace you as mum? That's insane.
What a scary woman. She certainly wants control of your baby. Do not cave in to this.
if she gets angry it shows how right you were to be wary. She has been kind and generous to manipulateher way into your good books to get control as she clearly likes the baby stage.
I would stop weekly visits immediately after your update. It's your baby, your decision and there is nothing she can do when you say no.
Yes she'll get angry but that then just proves how dangerous she is.
Sorry you are isolated. I hope things improve for you. Surely your mum has warned you not to give in to these demands?

[Blondebakingmumma]

This woman would have zero contact with my dc. Your husband had to be sent away from her because she is abusive!
Your child isn’t a bargaining token to use so your hubby can reconnect. He can catch up with her in his own time.
Please stop allowing her alone time with your child

[Newmum102]

My own step mum was like this. No way in hell would I leave her with my child, no matter how much she has changed. I no longer speak to my own dad because of this.

I would probably stop the current arrangement if I was you. She is already showing how manipulative and controlling she is.

[TruculentandFarty]

IF I kept the arrangements the same after her hissy fit and prior history, I would certainly talk to her despite the fact that DH already did.

Things I would make clear:-

1. I certainly do not see her as babysitting, I see it as DD spending time with her Grandma (even if she is SMIL, it seems like she sees herself as such, so I would give her that), however, if that is how she feels then the visits should stop and from now on we'll visit as a family so she and DD can visit together without Grandma feeling put upon . Then I'd pause and wait for her to reply. Frankly, this is a losing game for her and if she is smart she will see that.
   
2. As other Grandma only gets to see DD for one week two or three times a year you will need DD to stay home that week. SMIL does not get to decide this, you do not need to make up the day. Other Grandma gets to see DD far less, it is fair she gets to spend as much time as possible when she is there. If SMIL does not like this then again, "perhaps we should re-think DDs visits altogether then..."
   
   Overnight?!? Maybe when kid is 6.

[TheSerenDipitY]

beat her at her own game

go over and see her without DD
rush in looking all upset and harried and before she can say anything say oh SMIL im so so sorry, DH just told em what you had said and im so so sorry, NO NO its ok i fully understand how yes it does sort of seem like a childcare arrangement, same time each week, every single week and you are right, NO NO let me get this out, i dont want you to feel so unappreciated and like you are the creche, so from now on ill look after my own child full time and if you wish to see her you can call us and and we will see if we have plans or not... again SMIL im so so soooooo sorry that you feel used as childcare, rest assured IT. WONT. HAPPEN. AGAIN. and run out the door and get in the car and don't stop

[TheSerenDipitY]

btw fucken odd to bitch about "being childcare" and then demand to have the child more often.... isnt that just more childcare???

[ciderhouserules]

You really do need to nip this in the bud, OP. She already feels entitled to have your daughter, over and above your own wishes for dd.

She then feels entitled to have your daughter 3 times a week over and above your wishes.

She feels entitled to demand dd overnight - over and above your wishes.

Soon she will start to take over; your dd is only young, but once she is old enough to listen and talk, SMIL will be manipulating dd into doing as she wants. Over what you want for your dd.

Start to remove her now. Push SMIL back into her role as 'support' for you, not replacement mother.

Start being busy - every other week. NO, she can't 'have' dd - but she can come over when you are both there. NO she can't 'take' dd off, but you can both visit her for a few hours. NO, she will NOT be having dd overnight for the foreseeable.

[Motoko]

@FishFingersAndCustard11 I agree with PPs that the current arrangement needs to stop. As your DD gets older, she'll start whispering in her ear, to undermine your authority as DD's parent. She's a really dangerous woman, not just because of the physical abuse that she dished out to your DH, but because of her emotional abuse. It will cause untold damage.

Always make sure your DD is with you when this woman is around. You can visit her, or she can visit you, but no more letting her have your DD alone.

[justilou1]

May I ask exactly how fucked up the daughter is? (Is she conveniently parked at boarding school?). Keep your kid out of harm's way.

[fuzzywuzzy]

@Missingstreetlife grandparents can apply to court for contact, and according to my experience courts tend to side with whatever the norm is and if OP and her DH have allowed regular contact for a while the grandparents will have that on their side.

Also I don’t think being a step grandparent matters, she’s been married to the dh’s father since he was a child and is heavily involved with the family of dh.

I would therefore start properly stopping the regular contact and be busy when she wants dc. DC is not hers she’s yours OP & you know SMIL is abusive.

[InSwamTiddler]

@fuzzywuzzy there is no such thing as grandparents rights in the UK.
The only time grandparents have been granted access to a child against the wishes of a parent is in cases where the grandparent had previously had custody of the child or if they played a significant role in the child’s life on a daily basis.
Neither of those exceptions apply here

[InSwamTiddler]

And yes being a step-grandparent would be legally significantly different. She is not biologically related. It’s extremely difficult for stepparents who have actually raised children to have access to them after a divorce if the bio parents don’t want them to, so by logic it would be even more difficult for a step-grandparent who sees a child once a week

[MulticolourMophead]

Grandparents dont have a right to apply to court for access. It's actually that they can apply to court for permission to apply for access. Not the same thing.

[CantWaitToRetire]

I'm just stunned that when the SMIL slapped your DH during childhood, it was DH who was sent away to live with his DGP instead of SMIL getting her marching orders. That must have been incredibly hurtful for your DH. If the one day per week arrangement is still working for you, by all means keep it up (could it be half a day rather than a full?), but do keep an eye on your child to make sure she isn't exhibiting signs of not wanting to go to see SMIL, and look out for marks on her little body. Definitely do not increase SMIL's access to your DD with a history like that.

Regarding the toddler groups, do be brave and try them out. Yes, it's always hard the first time you walk in, but just be friendly and smile and you'll be fine. There are probably new parents joining all the time, so you won't be the 'newbie' for long.

[TemptressofWaikiki]

OP, you need to grow a spine and become the lioness, guarding your cub. This is not a person that should have a lot if any contact with a child! She has shown her true colours and you know she hasn’t really mellowed with age. She just bid her time. You don’t have to go in all guns blazing but beat her at her own manipulative game. In your best passive aggressive way, text her that you are incredibly sorry that she feels taken for granted and you can see now what an imposition it was. Thank her for all her previous babysitting and tell her, as a SAHM you won’t need to rely on her for babysitting going forward. It is a sugar-coated ‘Fuck You’ that will let her know that actually, you hold the power and if she wants to ever see your child again, she better start dancing, ney fecking limbo to your tune.

[NewbornBaby]

Ok I was about to tell you to get a grip and tell her to back off until I read the last paragraph about PND.
I know how horrific it can be.

Your SMIL is being extremely overbearing.
I had to stamp my foot down with my own in laws, my older child didn't stay overnight until nearly 3 years old!

It's 100% your baby and your decision.