Overbearing SMIL

[FishFingersAndCustard11]

My step mother in law has DD once a week on a Thursday. This wasnt mine or DH's idea. It wasn't a problem though, because it's when we do our weekly shop so it fit in nicely.

I live 230 miles away from my mum. Travel is expensive and sometimes she pays over £100, depending on how close she books the tickets. My mum came up on Wednesday evening last week. I messaged SMIL with my apologises and said we're going to have to give the weekly visit a miss, because it was the first full day my mum was coming up. It didn't seem right her granddaughter not being here. I made it clear that SMIL is more than welcome to come up instead so she can see her, or she can have her later on in the week if she wanted her alone. She text back a short reply but I thought nothing off it.

Fast forward a week, my mum has left. Yesterday my SMIL caught my husband in town. She started saying to him I was pushing her out and taking advantage of her. Apparently when my mum comes up I want nothing to do with SMIL and it makes her very upset and she feels as if I'm using her for babysitting services. I would of spoke up if I was there but I wasn't. It feels wrong to message her now about it because DH handled it. He didn't add points I would of added though, which has left me feeling as if more things need to be said but as I said, I don't want to bring it up again. She was still very annoyed with DH and has said to him 'I need to see DGD ASAP' she also wants to increase the visits to 3 times a week, and once overnight a week when I stop breastfeeding her in the night. I feel that's far too much for her to have her.

I'm worried if I say no then she would say I'm pushing her out. AIBU in saying no, I want to keep to our weekly arrangements or should I negotiate/just agree with SMIL and let her have her them times to avoid arguing. Am I also being unreasonable for not letting SMIL have her the first day my mum comes up.

Reading this back I can hear how much of a pushover I sound I have PND, with no family around. DH works 60 hours a week and I'm a stay at home mum. I have no friends or family within a 200 mile radius. I feel isolated and SMIL is the only person I have to talk to that lives near by. That's why why it's important to me I keep the peace. I feel so down at times and all of this is stressing me out left right and centre.

Sorry it's such a long post and thank you for reading it

[RandomMess]

I would start making trips to go visit your Mum at least you can catch up with friends then too.

Glad you realise SMIL is not suddenly a "nice" person.

[IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea]

@FishFingersAndCustard11

"Thank you smile I will have a look at the app. I didn't know they have apps for things like this!? I'm most likely living under a rock though"

I didn't know they had apps like that either, my husband found it because he was worried about how sad and lonely I was on maternity leave. I hope it helps you as well.

[FishFingersAndCustard11]

I'm gonna slowly back away from smil. She's not going to have unsupervised contact. Reading all these comments I will be reassured that no matter what she says, I'm not being unreasonable in denying her this. Thank you everyone.

As for the groups, I'm slowly starting to look forward to it but I'm still more anxious than anything.

@IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea
Thank you :) I will have a look at the app. I didn't know they have apps for things like this!? I'm most likely living under a rock though 

@wafflyversatile
I am literally dying to move to the same town as my mum. I moved up to wear I am now because there was promising job opportunities for DP and SMIL and FIL helped us to get a place. They paid the lot really and we're in the process of paying them back. I can hands down say that was honestly the biggest mistake of my life. I can't afford to move now, I can't for a long time. I'm saving up but it wouldn't surprise me if it takes years.

[wafflyversatile]

Any chance you can move closer to your mum or his grand parents? Maybe it seemed like she changed but not that much if she is using this event to push for partial custody of your child.

[IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea]

@FishFingersAndCustard11

Try the Mum meetup app Mush, I didn't have any friends before I used it. Hoop is a good app too for finding activities to do with your baby where you may make friends as well.

3 times a week and an overnight is a ridiculous request from your SMIL, especially when you're a SAHM. It's an even more bizarre request considering she accused you of using her for babysitting. It sounds like she's insecure and maybe feels threatened by the blood grandmother.

She shouldn't be worried though, babies form secure attachments to the people who regularly care for them and she's one of those people. Maybe she just needs reassurance?

[ohfourfoxache]

You need to keep your daughter safe, and that means no more unsupervised contact with this monster. Because that’s what she is - and you need to make sure she doesn’t get her claws into dd

[Motoko]

So, she's moulded her daughter after herself, you don't want your daughter to end up the same, or to have to suffer at their hands if she rebels against them.

What are you going to do?

[SometimesMaybe]

It sounds like you need to build up your support network. It is very isolating being in with a wee one and it can take time to establish a network but stick at it - they are worth their weight in gold. Don’t expect to make friends overnight and remember the other mums will often feel as nervous as you! And say “yes” to everything - a walk, a coffee after a class , doing stuff you wouldn’t really normally fancy doing.
Speak to your Health Visitor as they may be able to help with classes etc.
And tell SMIL to but out!

[Isthisit22]

Why on earth would you allow your SMIL to have unsupervised access to your daughter when you know that she lied about and abused your husband as a child?

Use this as an opportunity to break free from her. She is angry anyway--may as well stop the weekly unsupervised contact now and get it over with

[myhamsteratefreddiestarr]

Well done on thinking about going to the group next week OP, small steps, but hopefully everyone will be friendly and make you feel welcome.

I live in a rural area, but we had a baby/toddler group in our village and other villages nearby.

Try and chat to people, small talk, ask about the baby, about them, if there's anything else to do in the area.

I made one of my best friends through the toddler group and our DC have gone through school together.

Check out your local library, childrens centre, swimming pool, for any activites that you can do.

Good luck!

[justilou1]

Time to distance yourself from Stepmonster. She has already broken her own daughter, She doesn't get your baby for half of her life. No way!

[Eilaianne]

Fucking hell, your DD is not a doll to pass around so that everyone has their share.

Neither does SMIL get to dictate when DD is with her - she's not got joint custody or something like a parent

You need to nip this in the bud now because it's only going to get worse as DD gets older and needs time/space/energy for doing things she wants to do (hobbies, seeing friends, not having to travel to relatives etc).

[FishFingersAndCustard11]

There's a group on Tuesday which I'm going to go to. It's a messy play one in the morning. I'm bricking it but it's a step!

DH's sister isn't a nice girl. She is known for her spiteful and manipulative antics. She has admitted to peer pressuring a younger child (about 12) to drink alcohol at a party and laughed about it and said it was all 'banter'.

[NewbornBaby]

Ok I was about to tell you to get a grip and tell her to back off until I read the last paragraph about PND.
I know how horrific it can be.

Your SMIL is being extremely overbearing.
I had to stamp my foot down with my own in laws, my older child didn't stay overnight until nearly 3 years old!

It's 100% your baby and your decision.

[TemptressofWaikiki]

OP, you need to grow a spine and become the lioness, guarding your cub. This is not a person that should have a lot if any contact with a child! She has shown her true colours and you know she hasn’t really mellowed with age. She just bid her time. You don’t have to go in all guns blazing but beat her at her own manipulative game. In your best passive aggressive way, text her that you are incredibly sorry that she feels taken for granted and you can see now what an imposition it was. Thank her for all her previous babysitting and tell her, as a SAHM you won’t need to rely on her for babysitting going forward. It is a sugar-coated ‘Fuck You’ that will let her know that actually, you hold the power and if she wants to ever see your child again, she better start dancing, ney fecking limbo to your tune.

[CantWaitToRetire]

I'm just stunned that when the SMIL slapped your DH during childhood, it was DH who was sent away to live with his DGP instead of SMIL getting her marching orders. That must have been incredibly hurtful for your DH. If the one day per week arrangement is still working for you, by all means keep it up (could it be half a day rather than a full?), but do keep an eye on your child to make sure she isn't exhibiting signs of not wanting to go to see SMIL, and look out for marks on her little body. Definitely do not increase SMIL's access to your DD with a history like that.

Regarding the toddler groups, do be brave and try them out. Yes, it's always hard the first time you walk in, but just be friendly and smile and you'll be fine. There are probably new parents joining all the time, so you won't be the 'newbie' for long.

[MulticolourMophead]

Grandparents dont have a right to apply to court for access. It's actually that they can apply to court for permission to apply for access. Not the same thing.

[InSwamTiddler]

And yes being a step-grandparent would be legally significantly different. She is not biologically related. It’s extremely difficult for stepparents who have actually raised children to have access to them after a divorce if the bio parents don’t want them to, so by logic it would be even more difficult for a step-grandparent who sees a child once a week

[InSwamTiddler]

@fuzzywuzzy there is no such thing as grandparents rights in the UK.
The only time grandparents have been granted access to a child against the wishes of a parent is in cases where the grandparent had previously had custody of the child or if they played a significant role in the child’s life on a daily basis.
Neither of those exceptions apply here

[fuzzywuzzy]

@Missingstreetlife grandparents can apply to court for contact, and according to my experience courts tend to side with whatever the norm is and if OP and her DH have allowed regular contact for a while the grandparents will have that on their side.

Also I don’t think being a step grandparent matters, she’s been married to the dh’s father since he was a child and is heavily involved with the family of dh.

I would therefore start properly stopping the regular contact and be busy when she wants dc. DC is not hers she’s yours OP & you know SMIL is abusive.

[justilou1]

May I ask exactly how fucked up the daughter is? (Is she conveniently parked at boarding school?). Keep your kid out of harm's way.

[Motoko]

@FishFingersAndCustard11 I agree with PPs that the current arrangement needs to stop. As your DD gets older, she'll start whispering in her ear, to undermine your authority as DD's parent. She's a really dangerous woman, not just because of the physical abuse that she dished out to your DH, but because of her emotional abuse. It will cause untold damage.

Always make sure your DD is with you when this woman is around. You can visit her, or she can visit you, but no more letting her have your DD alone.

[ciderhouserules]

You really do need to nip this in the bud, OP. She already feels entitled to have your daughter, over and above your own wishes for dd.

She then feels entitled to have your daughter 3 times a week over and above your wishes.

She feels entitled to demand dd overnight - over and above your wishes.

Soon she will start to take over; your dd is only young, but once she is old enough to listen and talk, SMIL will be manipulating dd into doing as she wants. Over what you want for your dd.

Start to remove her now. Push SMIL back into her role as 'support' for you, not replacement mother.

Start being busy - every other week. NO, she can't 'have' dd - but she can come over when you are both there. NO she can't 'take' dd off, but you can both visit her for a few hours. NO, she will NOT be having dd overnight for the foreseeable.

[TheSerenDipitY]

btw fucken odd to bitch about "being childcare" and then demand to have the child more often.... isnt that just more childcare???