If you have a day off a week and your partner doesn't, you should do something productive

[TheChickenOfTruth]

Briefly:

Partner 1 works full time with some overtime and on-call work. Loves the job but it's stressful and has a lot of responsibility so hard work. Does morning routine for toddler (breakfast, bath, getting dressed) then goes to work, 5 days a week. Is often on call or working late, but is sole earner for family.

Partner 2: wanted to be SAHP. Has lie in /personal space/chill time while P1 does morning routine, then P2 looks after toddler for rest of the day, 4 days a week. Often has to do bedtime routine alone if P1 is held up at work. Very occasionally (maybe once or twice a month) has to do morning if P1 is called in to work but then P1 will be home to do bedtime - so alternating before/after work care of toddler. Child sleeps through from 8pm until woken by P1 so no night waking to manage. Child goes to childcare one full day a week. P2 does child-related "mental load", P1 manages finances (mortgage, bills, cars, etc).

My gut tells me that if P1 is at work all day every day, that P2 should use the day the child is in childcare to do the majority of the housework (or at least what can be fit into one 7.5 hour working day (minus lunch break). P2 says that P1 is not doing their share of the housework and needs to do 50%.

Who is being unreasonable?

Well how are the weekends split? And how old is the child?

Get a cleaner or drop your standards slightly. There’s more important things in life.

Both parents should have equal leisure time, which means that yes P2 should be doing household stuff during their day "off" from being SAHP - unless the weekends completely fall to P2 being default parent whilst P1 has a weekend "off".

P2 sounds lazy and if at home all day should do the majority of the cleaning during the week. If both partners are at home on a weekend housework and watching the child should be shared equally.

I take it that you’re partner 1 then?!?!

The SAHP should try to do as much as possible. Housework shouldn’t be split 50/50 if they are at home a lot more, particularly if they have a day at home without the child.

You sound like you’re P1. The sole earner not is totally irrelevant.

I wouldn’t appreciate being told I had to do housework all day. It sounds like you both need to sit down and work out what is fair regarding getting everything done that needs to be done.

I can totally see P1's point of view, but if the toddler is as spirited as my DS was, I'm with P2 all the way. P2 is probably spending the day off simply trying to regain his/her sanity.

It all becomes very different when the child goes to school full-time and at that point I would certainly agree that P2 should be doing a lot more stuff around the house than P1. But during the baby/toddler stage, sometimes just keeping yourself and the child alive for a day is an achievement, frankly!

What does P1 do when not at work? Hobbies? Housework? Spend time with P2 and toddler?

There's a big difference between the 'doing something productive' in the thread title and doing 7.5 hours of housework. Probably somewhere in the middle is fair enough- bit of washing, cleaning, keeping things ticking over type stuff mixed with some downtime too. I can't imagine looking after a toddler all day every day is especially relaxing.

yes p2 should do housework if weekends are an even split. If P1 spends a lot of time on hobby or personal time at the weekend then that is different.

Why can't P2 do the morning get up with toddler? Is it so P1 can spend time.
I think SAHP can do this cleaning on that day, what else are they doing? Then weekends are free. Being at home with one child isn't too taxing really if you clean as you go etc (I have three at home, so I appreciate it's hard work, but more in a boring drudge way than anything else)

P2 needs to do more. Could childcare be split into two shorter days?

I have a similar arrangement, the leisure time should be equal. Not the distribution of jobs.

What does SAHP do on day off just have day to 'chill'? In which case WP should get a day (sat or sun) to do same! I'd expect the sahp to do bulk of house stuff unless a very young baby who needs constant attention/feeding. On a day off take an hour or two to something for their selves meet a friend for lunch, go back to bed go to gym whatever but yes I'd do house stuff r chores so weekend is freed up somewhat.

P1 needs to do the morning routine otherwise when will they see their child? just weekends? it's not a sacrifice its parenting!
P1 would have worked and done the housework anyway if they were single and childless, would they not?

P2 it is very stressful looking after a child and it is a job with even more anxiety and stress IMO because you don't clock out or have an official break or HR and manager to intervene or assist with a difficult project or client. Being on call is not the same as being with your 'job 24/7 pretty much.

Over the weekend both parents should do 40-40% and P2 should do 20% more on the day off, that is 2 hours work or there about on that day.

It seems that P1 begrudges that extra day. Perhaps they should work less OR have the child stay full time with P2.

on the 4 days when the child is at home with P2, presumably P2 still needs to clean, wipe surfaces, do laundry, put away stuff, tidy up, vacuum, cook, clear up. So their day is what 9am to 8pm? that is a long day. They are doing more housework already.

P1 does not seem to appreciate or respect P2.

P2 is taking the piss.

Well it’s fairly obvious which one you are .
Yes generally I agree with you. P2 should be doing the lions share of the housework on their day off, as long as weekends are fairly equal.
Equal leisure time is key.

Also does the child nap? There's an hour of housework.

Also, P1 is building their career, CV no gaps, paying into their pension, NI etc whereas the P2 is sacrificing their own career for the family.
To me the person at work is actually having it very very easy.

Toddlers are hard work, and in my experience the stay at home parent tends to get stuck with the bulk of the childcare even when the other parent is around. They don't get to ever really switch off from work. One day to just potter about and do as they please really isn't that big of an ask, considering the nature of the job.

I wouldn't. I might do a few hours of chores but would definitely also have a few hours of doing something for myself. I do chores while I have the children.

Looking after a child is equivalent to a job, meaning P2 works 4 days per week, i.e. 20% less than P1. Therefore P2 should do 20% more of the housework.

Therefore P1 does 30% of the housework, and P2 does 70% of the housework.

I'd say p2 should be productive on their spare day. Not all day it's amazing how much I can get done in 2/3 hours child free

Therefore P2 should do 20% more of the housework.

Therefore P1 does 30% of the housework, and P2 does 70% of the housework.

Your maths doesn’t work. P1 does 40%, P2 does 60%

The person at work has it easy..... Only on Mumsnet!!!

Being at home with a toddler is difficult at times but doesn't mean you can't do housework. Person 1 isn't physically at home to clean. Person 2 can slip it into their routines. A whole day at home doing nothing.... When does person 1 get this?

P2 needs to be doing the majority of household stuff. Not sure why they don't do the morning routine either?

I'm on mat leave with DC2 so I'm doing housework, shopping, admin stuff, cooking (other than my gym night(s)) which seems fair. Weekends are even.

a whole day at home doing nothing.... When does person 1 get this?

P1 has made the choice to work. Presumably they both decided to send the child to childcare for one day.