If you have a day off a week and your partner doesn't, you should do something productive

[TheChickenOfTruth]

Briefly:

Partner 1 works full time with some overtime and on-call work. Loves the job but it's stressful and has a lot of responsibility so hard work. Does morning routine for toddler (breakfast, bath, getting dressed) then goes to work, 5 days a week. Is often on call or working late, but is sole earner for family.

Partner 2: wanted to be SAHP. Has lie in /personal space/chill time while P1 does morning routine, then P2 looks after toddler for rest of the day, 4 days a week. Often has to do bedtime routine alone if P1 is held up at work. Very occasionally (maybe once or twice a month) has to do morning if P1 is called in to work but then P1 will be home to do bedtime - so alternating before/after work care of toddler. Child sleeps through from 8pm until woken by P1 so no night waking to manage. Child goes to childcare one full day a week. P2 does child-related "mental load", P1 manages finances (mortgage, bills, cars, etc).

My gut tells me that if P1 is at work all day every day, that P2 should use the day the child is in childcare to do the majority of the housework (or at least what can be fit into one 7.5 hour working day (minus lunch break). P2 says that P1 is not doing their share of the housework and needs to do 50%.

Who is being unreasonable?

Why isn't housework being done the other 6 days? 🤔

A 50/50 split on housework is unreasonable but so is expecting P2 to spend all day of their only child free day cleaning every single week.

That being said if I had one day to myself every week I'd use it to deep clean the things that are harder to get around to with a mobile baby. But not every single week. I do lighter housework daily though.

What is P2 doing with the day the child’s in childcare at the moment? If it’s a free day spent on personal/hobby time that’s rather unfair.

My gut tells me that if P1 is at work all day every day, that P2 should use the day the child is in childcare to do the majority of the housework (or at least what can be fit into one 7.5 hour working day (minus lunch break). P2 says that P1 is not doing their share of the housework and needs to do 50%.

Who is being unreasonable?

Parent 2.

Also, a working day isn't 6.5hrs, its 8hrs.

what is P2 doing with the toddler? Plenty of housework can be done with toddler in tow. Its not good for the toddler to be given 100% attention 100% of the time, they need to be able to be bored a bit, to be able to play by themselves. P2 is having unbroken nights sleep and a lie in every day. Thats bliss.

i dont think you can be clear cut about this sort of thing!
I was a SAHP during all 3 of my maternity leaves and in between i worked evenings on the weekend.
I would do what i could during the day in regards to cleaning and laundry and cooking and shopping and admin etc but there would be days nothing got done whether that was due to illness or just that we had been out and busy. DH never mithered much about it and would then pitch in when he got home and either clear up or do kids baths etc he fully recognized how full on 3 kids under 5 was

P1 has made the choice to work. Presumably they both decided to send the child to childcare for one day.

Interesting use of the word choice. I guess that person 1 earns more therefore allowing one of them to be a sahp. Getting a day to do nothing when your partner doesn't is blatantly unfair. Of course person 2 takes the lions share of the housework.

P2 is an adult and can make their own mind up what they do on their day off. Gone are the days (I hope!) when P1 gives P2 a list of jobs that have to be done daily.

does P1 have a day on the weekend to themselves to do whatever? if so then i guess thats fair as P2 will be in sole care of the child for that day.

I do however believe that some housework is part and parcel of being a SAHM no matter the age of the child.

P2 is definitely unreasonable. Being sole earner is not irrelevant - when I was on paid maternity leave I refused to do more than 50% of housework (in fact a bit less) as I was contributing 50% of the financial load for the family. If I was contributing 0 financially AND had an extra day free then of course I should be doing the housework. What is the justification for the days childcare?

so both are off at the weekend? I would think that yes P2 should do housework on that midweek day so both partners can relax a bit more at the weekend. I know childcare and some housework still has to be done at the weekend but if the major stuff was done while the child was at childcare, both partners would have a more relaxing time at the weekend

If P1 works 5 days a week and P2 essentially works 4 days a week as SAHP then yes P2 should do more housework other wise one person gets a 2 day weekend and one gets a 3 day weekend!! Leisure time should work out about equal if possible

P2 has it easy. 7 hours at work is no way equivalent to being at home with one toddler, pottering around, doing what you want when you want.

This type of mindset is a disaster. Doesn’t bode well for the future that everything is so transactional.

Being sole earner is not irrelevant - when I was on paid maternity leave I refused to do more than 50% of housework (in fact a bit less) as I was contributing 50% of the financial load for the family.

Dh and I both work full time. He earns more than I do. Does he get to do less housework because he is carrying more of the financial load?

I'm actually not either person.

Weekends are split fairly equally. Often P1 can be found wandering the local parks for hours at a time to get the toddler out of the house and give P2 space as instructed by P2. P1 does not get a "day off" at weekends, but spends time with the child.

The reason I mentioned that P1 is sole earner is because P1 needs to perform well in their job to financially support the household. Leaving early or slacking off is not an option if they want to keep earning the same money, which just comfortably covers the family expenses. I don't think work is more important than childcare, but failing at work, getting fired and having no money is also not an ideal solution for the family. P2 never had a career to "sacrifice", always did a minimum wage job wanting to be a SAHP one day. So both are doing what they want, career-wise, neither has made a huge sacrifice "for the family" on that.

P2 does the cooking and laundry for themself and the child. P1 does their own. P1 does home improvement projects on the weekend if there is enough time. P2 is trying to declutter the house and obviously sorts out stuff for the toddler (clothes, food, toys etc)

The toddler is not particularly difficult. Perhaps wants a little more attention than some, but not particularly "wild" or destructive. A normal amount of work for a toddler of around 2.

Who are you then?

its a partnership therefore P2 should be doing something when the child is in nursery. Doesnt necessarily have to be 8hrs of straight cleaning. 2/3hrs of solid cleaning should help you keep on top of everything. Its really all about managing your time e.g Laundry can be loaded and unloaded whilst the child is taking their afternoon nap or in the evening when they've gone to bed etc.

P2 is totally taking the piss. They should get some paid employment if they don't like being a sahp.

Depends how leisure time at the weekend is split also.

Personally I'd think it reasonable that P2 spends some of the "day off" doing house/child-related jobs, but also takes some leisure time for themselves. That means they can take sole charge of the child and house for a bit over the weekend, so that P1 can also have some time for themselves/a hobby. Otherwise if both partners want some "time off" over the weekend there's not really any time left to spend as a family..

P2 does the cooking and laundry for themself and the child.P1 does their own

That’s really off. It’s meant to be a partnership. This sounds more like a paid nanny's job. If P1 is supporting the family (not just themself) financially then P2 should support the family - not just themself - with some housework tasks.

As you set it out here it does seem like P2 is taking the piss. However if you aren’t either P1 or P2, there may be more to the situation than you’re seeing.

P2 is taking the P.

But never mind that, I think the Battle of he Sexes may just have been sorted by Dermymc:

the leisure time should be equal. Not the distribution of jobs.

P2 makes 'working all week' P1 take child out at weekends so they can can have space... and they also don't cook for P1?! Fuck that... P2 is having a laugh!

Are you P1's mum?