If you have a day off a week and your partner doesn't, you should do something productive

[TheChickenOfTruth]

Briefly:

Partner 1 works full time with some overtime and on-call work. Loves the job but it's stressful and has a lot of responsibility so hard work. Does morning routine for toddler (breakfast, bath, getting dressed) then goes to work, 5 days a week. Is often on call or working late, but is sole earner for family.

Partner 2: wanted to be SAHP. Has lie in /personal space/chill time while P1 does morning routine, then P2 looks after toddler for rest of the day, 4 days a week. Often has to do bedtime routine alone if P1 is held up at work. Very occasionally (maybe once or twice a month) has to do morning if P1 is called in to work but then P1 will be home to do bedtime - so alternating before/after work care of toddler. Child sleeps through from 8pm until woken by P1 so no night waking to manage. Child goes to childcare one full day a week. P2 does child-related "mental load", P1 manages finances (mortgage, bills, cars, etc).

My gut tells me that if P1 is at work all day every day, that P2 should use the day the child is in childcare to do the majority of the housework (or at least what can be fit into one 7.5 hour working day (minus lunch break). P2 says that P1 is not doing their share of the housework and needs to do 50%.

Who is being unreasonable?

@MammaSchwifty

I think so, and that's why I was asking for opinions. I care about both people, and wanted to hear some perspectives because, as I said from the start, my gut instinct was to side with one person. I'm a mathematically minded person so for me splitting things equally by time makes the most sense, but I understand other people have different perspectives. In not sure how to approach it if P2 is really struggling... Should I stay out of it as other people have said, or offer help? Would that just be insulting?

@Pennydrew142

Quite agree, wasn't suggesting it did. Wondered if it would be fair to use their one additional day off to do housework.

Yes I agree with you. It seems only fair to me that both should basically be working one way or another during those 5 days, then both will have less to do at the weekend. Provided everything is also shared equally at the weekend and evenings. That isn't to say there can't sometimes be flexibility - some social event on that day that P2 would like to go to - but I think the default is that they should be useful.

I used to work 3 days a week and had one morning with the children in nursery. That was when I cleaned the house. I wouldn't have dreamed of just sitting around tbh!

"is because P1 needs to perform well in their job to financially support the household." And P2 supports them to do that by running the home and doing full time childcare.

The child is BOTH their responsibility.

In a job that requires on call etc p1 would be stuffed if p2 wasn't a sahp in all likelihood. They BOTH contribute equally to the household running as it does and that includes p1 being able to do that job.

Are you p1's parent?

"P2 never had a career to "sacrifice", always did a minimum wage job wanting to be a SAHP one day. So both are doing what they want, career-wise, neither has made a huge sacrifice "for the family" on that." Nice attitude!

"P2 does the cooking and laundry for themself and the child. P1 does their own. P1 does home improvement projects on the weekend if there is enough time." And who does the dishes, dusting, hoovering, grocery & other shopping, mopping floors, cleaning kitchen, cleaning bathroom, putting rubbish out, ironing, organising household admin, healthcare appointments for child? Doing their own laundry & the occasional bit of DIY doesn't sound like a fair contribution from p1 to me. Yes p2 should be doing more than p1 but not almost everything! Inc mental load for home!

"To mention, the only reason this has come up is because P2 has complained to several people and on social media that P1 is "not pulling his weight in the household" and that P2 is "stressed from doing everything myself"." Sounds about right to me and if it's got to point p2 is posting on SM p1 clearly isn't listening!

IF p2 is genuinely only cooking for themselves & toddler I'd be v surprised to learn this wasn't a relatively new development as a response to p1 thinking they didn't need to do anything at home! That p2 had to ASK p1 to take child at weekends somewhere to give p2 a break from the child suggests it never even occurred to p1 that p2 might NEED a break - but nobody can be "on" 24/7 365 days!

"Im more on the side of P1" as are most who seem oblivious that op has worded the posts so that's the natural bias.

"I believe I have a reasonably fair view of the physical work split" you really don't, you clearly favour p1

"I'm not a SAHP so don't know whether it is genuinely more stressful than working" everyone's different, some cope better than others.

Eg where you getting the idea p2 wanted to be a sahp? Just because their job was nmw doesn't mean they didn't enjoy it. It's certainly not uncommon for p1's to put pressure on p2's to not bother going back to work, usually cos it suits them for p2 not to work and give the 'reason' that 'childcare will cost more than you'll earn' when they're each 50% responsible for the childcare. See it on here constantly.

Or even if p2 originally thought they wanted to be sahp reality doesn't always match the idea. But p1's often hold them to their original plan without considering people might find they're not suited up being sahp. Few have experience of such a role until they're a parent. I had some idea as I'd been a nanny before becoming a parent but most people have done non child related jobs beforehand.

"Um, do you fancy p1 op?" I'm wondering same. Or is mil or sil to p2.

"Put it this way, if a SAHM posted here that they were in P2's situation, and said that their husband doesn't help with any household chores, people would be up in arms! I've seen it." Exactly!

"Your disdain for P2, SAHP and low income earners is shockingly obvious." Totally agree!

"It was not contempt at all." Your contempt & disdain for p2 is dripping from the very first post!

Frankly not only do you need to butt out on this particular issue you need to spend less time there generally. You're far too invested in another couples life

Hide their FB newsfeeds too.

I'd be VERY Surprised if p2 REALLY did absolutely nothing on the day the child is at childcare. They may well be doing things that are 'invisible' but are easier to do without a toddler at your feet. Certainly when I was a sahm when dd started at crèche (for her socialisation & stimulation mainly) I used that time (2 hours twice a week) to go to Drs/dentists, to phone bank, insurance companies, sort other admin that required concentration...

sort other admin that required concentration...

Yeah, personal family admin is actually endless. I do it all for us, everyone else in the house is autistic and can’t remember any of it! It is mentally hard to remember every little thing myself. Not complaining, just saying!

1. I think you're too invested and should step back for your own sake.

2. You will never truly know what goes on in a marriage / family.

If it helps you gain distance, one scenario that fits is P1 has somehow seriously betrayed P2 and P2 is trying to work out if she can carry on with the marriage and forgive P1. I lived through a similar dynamic when I was a child. ''Twas hell

If I were looking after a toddler 4 days a week (even if my husband had the toddler in the mornings), I wouldn't spend my entire 'day off' doing something productive, no.

But I'm a clean-as-you-go sort of lady, so I wouldn't have any need to spend an entire day on housework.

And yes, of course you should stay out of it.

It's not nearly egregious to warrant you saying something.

We had some friends who had an astonishingly lop-sided arrangement for years, it was pretty hard to stay schtum but we did it. They're divorcing now. The situation you describe doesn't even come close to theirs.

I never understand how some people have so much 'housework' to do, unless you have numerous children/pets/never ending DIY/small holding etc etc - surely with one child who is in childcare part of the day there is very little 'housework' to do.

I was a SAHM with one child for many years, quite honestly it was a really cushy lifestyle, the maximum housework I would do was 30 minutes a day, my time was my own to do what I wanted. I appreciate I was lucky in that I had an 'easy' child but I wouldn't have expected my DH to do 50% of the housework. As it was he always spent time with our child at the weekends, because he wanted to, and that gave me a break. And of course he was perfectly capable of housework/laundry/cooking/life admin etc etc.

I always think the best way of measuring these situations is to compare 'leisure time'.

We have a similar set up.
I work 4 long days a week, and have about a 60 min commute.
DH works 5 days a week, and either has a 15 min commute or could be anywhere in the country.

We both work in construction management and often need to be on site - in various locations - for 8 am, so whoever doesn’t need to do this takes the dc to breakfast club. It’s only ever been both of us twice in 10 years!

On my day off, I sort out food meals/shopping/Tesco delivery/batch cooking for the week; do any jobs that need doing, see physio, get car/boiler serviced etc, do a bit of housework (we have been spectacularly unsuccessful with cleaners). I also try and get a long run/swim/bike ride in, so I don’t resent facilitating everybody else’s sport for the rest of the week! I also pick up the dc from school and take them to whatever clubs they have and do stuff like dentist/haircut/library books. It’s also their oppurtunity to have friends over.

We are both happy with this arrangement. From time to time I ask DH if he’d like me to work 5 days, but the thought of cramming all the shopping abd haircurs into the weekend is a bit much. We have no local family- nearest is 150 miles away- so my day off is the only slack in our system.

@TheChickenOfTruth, well, if P2 is struggling and P1 has picked up extra workload to compensate and now is finding himself struggling too, they need to redress the balance somehow. It would make sense to me that they each got a day 'off' so if for P1 that's the childcare day, then for P2 it's one of the weekend days and the remaining weekend day is split 50:50.

If they can afford a cleaner, then that 50:50 day at the weekend could be spent doing fun stuff as a family.

Or it could be that P2 would benefit from going back to work, full or part time. Who knows, no one knows all the details.

Anyway, may be this isn't something for you to worry about. They need to work it out.

I’m a sahm to a 3 and 1 year old. DH works full time. If my kids were out of the house for 7 hours one day a week (sadly not happening any time soon) then I would absolutely use it to do some housework. But I don’t need to do housework for 7 hours!! I’d also use it to do stuff for me. Dentist, gym, haircut, meeting friends for lunch etc. Things that are difficult or impossible with toddlers in tow.

I’d be annoyed if DH tried to dictate what I did though. But I’d concede he had a point if the place was a total tip and I was expecting him to do housework all weekend while I’d sat and done nothing for a whole day.

I don’t think I could find 7 hours of housework to do if I tried!
I’m a SAHM, I have 9 hours a week at home with no DC. Yes I do housework in some of those hours, but certainly not all of them. I also use that time to do things like go for a swim, get my hair cut, lounge around... I do housework throughout the week when the DC are home too. I agree with Ragwort, I don’t know how people find so much housework to do!