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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you have a day off a week and your partner doesn't, you should do something productive

137 replies

TheChickenOfTruth · 13/12/2018 13:01

Briefly:

Partner 1 works full time with some overtime and on-call work. Loves the job but it's stressful and has a lot of responsibility so hard work. Does morning routine for toddler (breakfast, bath, getting dressed) then goes to work, 5 days a week. Is often on call or working late, but is sole earner for family.

Partner 2: wanted to be SAHP. Has lie in /personal space/chill time while P1 does morning routine, then P2 looks after toddler for rest of the day, 4 days a week. Often has to do bedtime routine alone if P1 is held up at work. Very occasionally (maybe once or twice a month) has to do morning if P1 is called in to work but then P1 will be home to do bedtime - so alternating before/after work care of toddler. Child sleeps through from 8pm until woken by P1 so no night waking to manage. Child goes to childcare one full day a week. P2 does child-related "mental load", P1 manages finances (mortgage, bills, cars, etc).

My gut tells me that if P1 is at work all day every day, that P2 should use the day the child is in childcare to do the majority of the housework (or at least what can be fit into one 7.5 hour working day (minus lunch break). P2 says that P1 is not doing their share of the housework and needs to do 50%.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 13/12/2018 14:59

@PurpleDaisies really?? Depends on the age of the child and if it's under 3 it will be 3 soon enough!

What’s your point? They need paid childcare now. The situation can be re-evaluated when they get free hours.

babydreamer1 · 13/12/2018 15:00

P2 should do housework on child free day as they get an extra day off per week otherwise. Then weekends can be spent relaxing as a family.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 13/12/2018 15:03

@53rdWay I'm fully aware - lone parent to 2 children and work full time.

Agree with pp that the relationship is dead re Facebook though

Dotty1970 · 13/12/2018 15:03

Just letting you know what we did when in same position... Vertually the the same!
P1 did night routine for dc if home early enough, played with dc if they were up before p1 went to work. Just very light household duties before and after work.
P2 mainly all dc duties, large majority of the cleaning, on the child free day shopping and cleaning.
Weekends shared duties.

SoupOnMyTableNowSir · 13/12/2018 15:03

I have been P2, so SAHM but Ds1 was in nursery 1 day a week and Dh took him in as it was near his office.

That was the day I had went to the supermarket for the weekly shop and then blitzed the house. Much easier when you haven't got a toddler undoing all your tidying.

Meal planning and dinner cooking was mainly done by me as I became a SAHM when Ds1 was 18 months old. I had no support or family but still managed to get housework done and not just when he napped in the day.

I think P2 is taking the piss. It does depend on the size of the house but should be easily done in a few hours if you make some effort of keeping on top of it daily.

P1 should get a lie in on at least one day the weekend. Carrying the burden of the sole wage earner is hard.

ChristmasRaven · 13/12/2018 15:04

Put it this way, if a SAHM posted here that they were in P2's situation, and said that their husband doesn't help with any household chores, people would be up in arms! I've seen it. They will say "just because he works doesn't mean he can't help in the house" etc etc. To say P2 should spend 7.5 hours cleaning, with a "lunch break" sounds very controlling! Imagine a man saying that to his wife! There would be resounding cries of LTB and people would be calling him abusive! I gather it was just your thought and not that P1 said that but no, I don't think it's a good idea.

All that being said, it's difficult to judge as there's no info on who cooks at night, who shops for food, how weekends work. Does P1 have free days at weekends ever? All I can say is that no I don't think P1 should be doing zero chores just because P2 gets a day off. The actual split of work would depend on other factors.

beachysandy81 · 13/12/2018 15:13

Depends what happens at the weekends. If P1 has priority over leisure time at weekends then I think it is fair for P2 to have a day off. If P1 and P2 do the same amount of childcare/cooking/socialising etc at weekends it would be better for P2 to do the weekly shop and a proper clean on his/her 'day off' to make their weekend more pleasant together.

Earlywalker · 13/12/2018 15:26

P2 should do housework on day off. You could probably do most houses in 3 hours of hard work and still have 5 hours to relax.
It’s lazy to be at home on your own all day in a house that requires housework and not
Do it.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 13/12/2018 15:33

I think it would be reasonable for P2 to do a mix of things on their 'day off', perhaps spend a few hours catching up on chores/supermarket trip etc but also spend some time unwinding/reading/gym/lunch out etc

P2 would be selfish to spend the whole 7.5 hours every week being completely self indulgent but I would think it controlling and mean of P1 if they are keeping on tabs on P2's movements and expecting them to spend the whole day doing housework

FuzzyShadowChatter · 13/12/2018 15:34

I would offer P1 help as I would to any friend who seemed very stressed, but try to leave what P2 said out of it unless P1 brought it up.

I wouldn't be able to say whether either party is unreasonable for the amount of housework or childcare they do - that's an individual household thing where both might be quite overwhelmed even if one or both seem to have it easy from the outside and there are a lot of factors we'll never know - and I certainly couldn't say how P2 should be handling housework but P2 is unreasonable to repeatedly slag their partner off on social media like that. I'd have to either mute/unfollow or, if I was in a mood, I might pull P2 up on it especially if I knew it was having a negative effect on P1. It's one thing to vent to a friend or get help on a forum, but it's another to be repeatedly blasting it all over social media likely in front of many people that know both of them.

SD1978 · 13/12/2018 15:45

You didn't keep it neutral. Your contempt for P2 is pretty bloody obvious. Dumb woman never had a career, is now a SAHP, and is feckless doing nothing whilst the poor man goes out, slogs his arse off, and doesn't even get a meal or his washing done, and then is expected to interact with the kid he chose to have on weekends........are you the OW or his family member? Because you're clearly quite contemptuous of P2.

Trinity66 · 13/12/2018 15:48

Have to agree with this, it would only bother someone enough to actually start a thread on a forum about them if you were either related to or really into one of them

SoyDora · 13/12/2018 15:58

No one should be slagging their partner off or whinging about their home situation on social media.

SoyDora · 13/12/2018 15:59

You didn't keep it neutral. Your contempt for P2 is pretty bloody obvious

Definitely this!

F1ame · 13/12/2018 16:00

OP I don’t know if you’re P1 or P2 but in all honesty life is too short for this tit for tat. Get a cleaner twice a week and be done with it.,

LannieDuck · 13/12/2018 16:11

I agree that it should be split 50% when both P1 and P2 are home.

However, P2 has a day free. Which effectively makes them PT and P2 FT. That means P2 takes on a greater share of the housework.

The exception I think would be if P2 was sleep deprived (doesn't sound like the case here), or recovering from something like PND, where a day off a week would be important to their mental wellbeing.

DyingMachine · 13/12/2018 16:18

Which partner are you?!

Pennydrew142 · 13/12/2018 16:46

This type of mindset is a disaster. Doesn’t bode well for the future that everything is so transactional.

I agree with this ^.

OP, frankly, mind your own business. Yup, even when they’re stupid enough to share it on Facebook. You will never know how someone else’s household truly works, if you do you’re spending too much time there. Your disdain for P2, SAHP and low income earners is shockingly obvious.

I have been with my husband for almost 30 years, since we were teens. We would never divide up and measure who does what and when. My husband would not expect me to clean for 7.5 hours on my day off, nor I him. In fact we try our best to do stuff for each other so we can lighten each other’s load. We certainly would not count the hours spent with children chatting in the morning and having breakfast. Being a working parent means you contribute to your household financially, but it is also an investment in yourself. You, hopefully, get to do something you enjoy and are good at, plus you get the respect that SAHP clearly don’t get ( even on MN ). I didn’t get to clean much when I had a toddler as it happens, I was her only playmate most of the time and preferred to engage with her, making things, reading, walking in our neighbourhood etc etc when she started going part time to nursery, of course I used some of the time for myself, to spend with other adults. I would be horrified to learn my partner begrudged this after my commitment to our child.

Nothing can be gained from partners going down this route of measuring each other’s contributions, and giving more weight to the financial contribution. I find the conversation here to be troubling in this day and age. Raising children is an important role that you cannot measure and should be respected. P2 will be constantly cleaning anyway and spending an entire day doing it on the one day off child caring, would be a degrading and demoralising thing to be made to do. If P1 is tired from a stressful job, they should discuss with their partner and try and find money for a cleaner so they can spend time together and restore each other’s respect and appreciation of one another and the important and valuable contributions they both make.

Mookatron · 13/12/2018 16:51

Hurray for Pennydrew142's post. Very sensible.

Pennydrew142 · 13/12/2018 16:55

Mookatron thank you. I just can’t imagine conducting a loving relationship based on respect if either partner added up hours and chores in this fashion. My husband and I fall over ourselves trying to lighten each other’s load. Respect and genuine friendship is even more important in times of ill health, which I suffered for some time. My beloved never once complained at the extra load he carried, and sometimes still carries, while he worked full time.

Original poster

TheChickenOfTruth · 13/12/2018 16:55

@SD1978

"You didn't keep it neutral. Your contempt for P2 is pretty bloody obvious. Dumb woman never had a career, is now a SAHP, and is feckless doing nothing whilst the poor man goes out, slogs his arse off, and doesn't even get a meal or his washing done, and then is expected to interact with the kid he chose to have on weekends........are you the OW or his family member? Because you're clearly quite contemptuous of P2."

It was not contempt at all. A pp commented that P2 had "sacrificed their career to bring up the child" and I was simply explaining that P2 never had any intention of having a career - they always expressed their intention to work until they had a baby and then be a SAHP, so neither partner has a "career" (either work or childcare) they did not choose. That's all. I'm not sure where you are getting a subtext from that is making you so aggressive, but I think being a SAHP is a great thing to aspire to, I just wondered what a fair housework split would be with one person having a day off, considering they chose to be a full-time SAHP.

OP posts:

MammaSchwifty · 13/12/2018 16:57

Often P1 can be found wandering the local parks for hours at a time to get the toddler out of the house and give P2 space as instructed by P2

Could it be that P2 is finding it hard to cope?

Trinity66 · 13/12/2018 16:57

You will never know how someone else’s household truly works, if you do you’re spending too much time there

This ^^

You're way too over invested for someone who's not part of the couple

Pennydrew142 · 13/12/2018 17:00

I just wondered what a fair housework split would be with one person having a day off, considering they chose to be a full-time SAHP

Parent does not equal full time cleaner.

Schmoobarb · 13/12/2018 17:03

P2 is a lazy bastard

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