Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent xmas expectations

107 replies

JoyofSticks · 13/12/2018 06:49

How are the less well off of us supposed to magic the extra money from? It pisses me off and always has done, this requirement that we spend extra money at xmas, why do we do it? Apparently it's cruel to not buy kids a pile of shite. I've always found it difficult and now there are grandkids, partner's kids, when's it going to end? I'm happy to buy a gift but it all adds up and then there's worrying about if the gifts are good enough, very bloody stressful. It's not possible to stop participating, it's commercial bullshit disguised as religion, neither of which interest me but here I am, worrying about how to afford coal and dog food because of having to buy presents. It's been pissing me off for years. Anyone else feel the same or are you organised, wealthy and have loving families?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 13/12/2018 07:39

I know some who are well off, who don’t spend as much on gifts, as those who are not so well off!

I agree with this. I was talking about my experience of religious people, and I’m meaning Christians who are actively involved in church every week. Priorities are often different.

blackteasplease · 13/12/2018 07:42

There does seem to be alot of pressure these days. What with all the advent boxes, Xmas eve boxes and whatever else on top of the piles of shite. Plus ott decorations demanded of all.

You don't have to give in to it but I appreciate it's hard!

PoutySprout · 13/12/2018 07:44

Read this and watch the video at the bottom.

blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2018/12/martin-lewis--how-to-go-christmas-cold-turkey/

WilburforceRaven · 13/12/2018 07:45

You have to tell people, 'I don't have a lot of money. I can't afford to save, so I can only do small presents.'

tillytrotter1 · 13/12/2018 07:49

Stop buying for adults, over 18 they'll do fine without or have a family secret santa for the adults, it's remarkably liberating although I find I never know what to put on my own list, others are much easier.

Nannewnannew · 13/12/2018 07:50

jessstan2 really? People who have open fires and coal fired central heating buy coal! That’s why there are coal merchants and also bags of coal for sale outside some petrol stations and hardware stores!

OP, a friend of mine has refused to buy, since she retired, ANY presents, Christmas or Birthday for her family, including grandchildren.
Personally I couldn’t do it, but I admire her stance, and her family seem to accept it.

Claw001 · 13/12/2018 07:52

If you are anti- consumerist OP, we spend more than is needed of all manner of things during the rest of the year!

Auntiepatricia · 13/12/2018 07:52

My friend did their PHD on the psychology of poorness and tendency to overspend, (why people put themselves into debt for unnecessary purchases) Christmas being a big part of the overspending cycle. It was interesting.

MrsJayy · 13/12/2018 07:52

I agree Christmas seems to have grown arms and legs elf on the bloody shelf decorating your house going on christmas trips boxes of shite Christmas eve all before the big guy arrives it is ridiculous.

MsJolly · 13/12/2018 07:55

We only buy for the kids.
Adults go into a secret Santa so you only have one person to buy for with a limit of £20. Works well and have had some interesting gifts over the years!

BatsAreCool · 13/12/2018 07:58

This is all down to you about managing your guilt and your families expectations.

If you can't afford it then say you can't and don't buy anything.

Or have a budget and buy a 'token' gift if you can't manage those expectations but you need to own the fact that you are buying gifts because you don't want to have that conversation.

And if anyone moaned about not getting gifts from someone who said they couldn't afford it then that is a poor reflection on them and they alone.

greendale17 · 13/12/2018 08:02

You have to tell people, 'I don't have a lot of money. I can't afford to save, so I can only do small presents.

^This. You aren’t helping yourself at all are you?

californiascreaming · 13/12/2018 08:03

Yes there is commercial pressure and to a certain extent peer pressure but the answer is to be strong and do what suits you rather than succumb to that pressure.
I don't feel pressure - because

  1. We hardly go out in the year but instead go out for christmas and boxing day lunch
  2. Agreed with family to stop presents apart from for children
  3. Children get a stocking and some modest presents that are absorbed into general household spending so they are not high value and don't have a big impact. I similarly create stocking for me and DP of things we need and would have bought anyway - e.g. pants, socks, toothbrushes.
  4. House is festooned with old decorations - some go back to my mum and dad. We buy something small and new often for pennies in the january sales (including cards and wrap etc.)
  5. More of our christmas activities are about doing things together at home - christmas baking, making cards for close relatives/teachers, learn carols rather than the high profile and expensive trips to santa/panto/latest fad.

i love this time of year - we go for it, but theres no pressure because we don't allow it!

Russiawithlove · 13/12/2018 08:04

It's not just Christmas though it's all year round...

So people wear themselves out mentally over Christmas and worry...result disappointment.

January comes and people start stressing about having a perfect Valentine's....result disappointment

Next they moan about buying Easter eggs and putting on weight....result moaning and disappointment

Then feel pressured to have the perfect family summer holiday....result stress about packing and disappointment

Next people moan about fireworks and buying trick or treat sweets....halloween parties...result stress

Then it's Christmas AGAIN......

We are like little mice on a constant revolving wheel.

Then we wonder why kids and adults are becoming increasingly anxious and depressed.
It's pretty obvious why.

Russiawithlove · 13/12/2018 08:07

I forgot to mention the frenzy over mothers and fathers day...but I think you get the general idea Grin

Petitprince · 13/12/2018 08:07

If you don't want to buy gifts, why not make things. My favourite gift last year was a scarf knitted by my mum.

snoutandab0ut · 13/12/2018 08:08

@Nannewnannew I am like your friend. I don’t buy presents. At all. I’m not retired either! I just make my stance on the out of control consumerism of Christmas very clear so everyone knows not to expect anything and not to buy anything for me either.

OP you don’t have to give into societal pressure. Just say no! I opt out of Christmas because I think what it’s become consumerism-wise is grotesque, I just say to everyone that I don’t do it. Problem solved.

Knittink · 13/12/2018 08:09

Who is expecting you to though? There are plenty of people in the UK who don't celebrate Christmas at all because they have other religions. There is a huuuge variation in what people do and what they spend at Christmas (even just going by MN threads). Even people who can afford to spend plenty do not necessarily do so - lots of people seem to be wanting to move away from buying mountains of crap.

It's no good getting angry about what you perceive as other people's expectations. Just do your own thing within your own capabilities.

Prettyvase · 13/12/2018 08:10

Christmas for us is doing things in kind: my dc don't have a lot of ££ to spend on people so my ds gave me a handwritten 'voucher' for a massage and cups of tea!! Grin

One of my loveliest, most memorable gifts was a jar of homemade chutney and a hand tied bunch of wild flowers.

Spending time together, playing games, go for a walk together, change your attitude to one of finding the joy in the simplest things and just go right back to the basics and you will find a very different more beautiful and more memorable christmas.

Butteredghost · 13/12/2018 08:11

You don't have to do anything. We are well off, but we don't buy gifts for each other, just for dc, and then just get a couple of gifts. I tell all friends and family in advance. Another good option for family or friend groups is a secret santa.

No one would say "it's cruel", in fact do a few searches on here, seems like most people think piles of presents are really tacky and wasteful.

Someone on a thread a few weeks ago posted a link to one of those you tube videos where the kids have a 2 metre high pile of gifts and opened them for an hour, and everyone agreed - gross!

If you want to go over the top for Christmas do it, but don't blame "society" or say you have no choice.

Openup41 · 13/12/2018 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

NewYear2018 · 13/12/2018 08:12

We do the 4 gift thing for DD (8): something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read.

What a lovely idea! ^^

We don't do the massive present buying either mainly because we can't afford it. I can't bear the stress anyway. We get things for the DC but most gifts are modest and/or are home-made. We choose and cook an inexpensive meal that we all like. We spend the time over Christmas/New Year quietly, catching up and I like to do a spring clean.

Just say NO!.

Knittink · 13/12/2018 08:14

Russiawithlove - I find that baffling tbh. If you don't enjoy these things, don't do them. Talk about first world problems! How stressful can it possibly be to buy a couple of Easter eggs fgs?

Russiawithlove · 13/12/2018 08:17

None of is stressful for me...i don't buy into consumerism or trying to compete with others.

It was merely an observation of the cycle of posts on here year in year out.
People are just stressed out trying to follow what is expected.

I find the simple life far more enriching and as a result I don't feel the need to compare myself to others.

grumiosmum · 13/12/2018 08:22

You don't have to do it that way.

We are having an eco-friendly, no-waste Xmas this year. No presents at all for adults, kids (including cousins) are each getting one ethically-sourced gift (mainly clothing).
I have made our crackers from recycled ingredients at home, except for spending £2 on ordering cracker snaps.
Never buy wrapping paper, always reuse stuff we have at home.
Not going overboard on food either - just enough for Xmas day, don't want to be eating cold turkey & ham for the rest of the holidays.
And everyone who is joining us has been asked to contribute a dish and some wine.