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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was awful of DP

80 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 21:56

Ds 5mths old and been sleeping through untill last week. Had five bad nights on the bounce, me doing all night feeds and dp lying in as tierd from baby and needed to drive.
Last night was worse, baby screaming n waking every 45 min for comfort. Dp got up at three am and went to living room to sleep. I had a birthday gift of a arts course in the morning at half ten, do off work to have baby in day. By eight am I was in tears as so tierd and shouted shut up please to baby (bad but I was broken). Dp came in said you shouldn't shout. I asked him to take him as I couldn't cope, he said no as doing other children packed lunches and needed to do school run.
I sat in our room in floods of tears holding the baby while he just walked in and out. As he left he asked me to defrost ds milk in freezer, change and dress him before I went out.
I'm so angry with him for leaving me like that with a small baby when I wasn't coping and he was in a position to help me. I was so upset. I also couldn't enjoy my treat as I was so echusted (2nd baby fee day since D's was born). Oh and he was late back to get ds too as he was busy for me to go out.
Aibu? (I should say he's tonight offered to have baby in living room so I can try n sleep a bit which is good)

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 21:58

Should add other children are my stepchildren who are here 50;50

OP posts:
anitagreen · 12/12/2018 22:00

Your not bu at all it's so hard having a young baby and even any child for that matter, we all get pushed to our limits now and again and it's ok to have a cry, believe me I'm still crying now some days due to the stress, have you tried talking to your dh about how you feel and explain to him you just need a bit more support? It's great he's helping tonight but he needs to be consistent otherwise you can't be either, as your so tired and drained x

anitagreen · 12/12/2018 22:00

Apologies for the dh part of me I didn't read DP sorry x

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 22:03

Honestly all I want was a your doing a great job, here's a cuddle and a coffee . I'll take baby with me so you can sleep.
I've taken the kids to school several times when he was poorly or exhusted from work as a favour even with baby.

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GummyGoddess · 12/12/2018 22:04

He was being selfish. If he was off work he should have been sharing the night wakings with you if baby didn't need feeding. Leaving someone in tears is not acceptable.

Thistles24 · 12/12/2018 22:07

I think it seems worse because you were tired. I wouldn’t have expected DH to stop doing packed lunches/ school run to take the baby for me in the morning, he was doing his share as a parent at that point too. I’m assuming from your post that you’re breastfeeding, so there’s not much your DP could do at night, especially if he has to drive distances during the day. It’s a shame your DS had a bad week and it impacted on your day out, but I can’t honestly say I think your DP was awful.

BoebePhuffay · 12/12/2018 22:10

Is the baby constantly screeching? Maybe get him checked over, he could be in pain.

Believeitornot · 12/12/2018 22:11

He couldn’t that the baby as he has kids to take to school and deal with....

So while he could have been kinder, you didn’t need to shout at your baby.

How are you finding things more generally?

Frankswife87 · 12/12/2018 22:11

Op you are an amazing mum! Here's a hug off me! Bless you I've been there too it's so hard, I feel upset on your behalf op as I've been there too where I've had to say to my DH help I'm not coping please take DD of me as I'm exhausted and ready to snap with tiredness and he's gladly stepped in because we are a team, even if it's been during the night and dh has been at work the next day we work together as a team and are there for each other Flowers

Redken24 · 12/12/2018 22:14

Hullo is this your first baby? Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and you do have my sympathies. Your dh could be doing more regardless of other children and his own job. You sound like a dedicated mum and I hope it gets better soon.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/12/2018 22:14

thistles the baby is 5mo and waking every 45 mins he cant need feeding every time.

I think your DP was wrong both for not helping in the morning and for not doing half the night wakings. In this situation DP and I would have taken it in turns. I would have been gutted and don't think you are unreasonable at all.

MutantDisco · 12/12/2018 22:15

OP your baby's sleep is normal, at this age I found it best to sleep when they slept and co-sleep at night, that way I missed out on far less sleep.

DH did zero night time wake ups because he was working and I was on mat leave. I had zero baby free days because they were BF and needed me. This was our agreement and it worked okay. You need to come to an agreement with your DH about exactly what you're both prepared to do.

Bahhhhhumbug · 12/12/2018 22:17

Well l can't see that he's done anything wrong, it's very important to get adequate sleep when you will be driving. Also he was getting two other DC ready for school by 9am l presume and had to do the school run in that hour. The fact they aren' t your DC doesn't make it any less hectic in that hour nor any less important that they get to school on time. Plus he is having DS tonight.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/12/2018 22:18

you didn’t need to shout at your baby

She is doing a great job and is tired. She raised her voice for a second, baby wont be permanently damaged by this. No one is perfect. My mum is a wonderful mum but occasionally lost her temper with us. I have been known to shout at my kids but I am still doing a good job as a mum. Why do we give ourselves these impossible parenting targets?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 22:21

I know I shouldn't shout but honestly wtf else do I do. He wouldn't help me and I was broken, it's my first baby and I'm doing the best I can by him. He clean fed, changed played with. I've tried co sleeping, walking him, all the usual stuff but nothing seems to help.
He isn't screaming just angry, maybe teething judging the dribble n chewing? . He has no temperature and seems fine during the day as normal. His routines the same as usual too. If it carries on I will take him to the doctor or HV just in case. He did have slight nappy rash but it's gone now.

Honestly dp drive is 17miles and if I'm up with baby I always do kids breakfast n lunches to help him as he's terrible and getting out of bed. But this was one time and he was having baby anyway.
Even not taking baby and making me a coffee or giving me a cuddle would have helped!

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WilburforceRaven · 12/12/2018 22:22

Now you see why his ex dumped him.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/12/2018 22:22

but Bahhhhhumbug he could have taken the baby on the school run and given her a half hour break.He could also have helped some of the times at night. Plenty of us wake with our babies in the night and then drive to work. What if the Op needs to drive too, who wakes up with the baby then?

BoebePhuffay · 12/12/2018 22:23

Nappy rash often is a sign of teething. Do you give calpol or teething gel?

I agree he could have taken the baby for ten minutes while you had a bit of respite to shower or whatever.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 22:24

He left his ex actually but fair enough. Sigh.

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Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 22:25

I don't have teething gel. Does that help? I tried calpol last night and it didn't seem to help the poor chap

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garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/12/2018 22:25

Now you see why his ex dumped him

Possibly this or anotherway to look at it is that he has done this before and is acting as he did last time because he wasn't challenged or his ex even preferred to do it this way. I would have a chat with him about your expectations, spell it out to him and dont expect him to read your mind.

CheshireChat · 12/12/2018 22:27

Next time, just hand baby over and walk off, he's capable just couldn't be arsed.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/12/2018 22:29

yes to teething gel, also teething granules. You could try nurofen as well some of my friends babies prefer that.

Why not go down to pharmacist tomorrow and get some advice.

I would say a DP/DH should always help when you have a night like that. regardless of work you are only human and sleep deprivation is horrendous. I hope you get a better night tonight but spell it out to DP that he needs to help you if you dont.

CheshireChat · 12/12/2018 22:29

Anbesol liquid is great and safe from 5 months.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 22:30

Pharmacy's next door to playgroup so I will absolutely ask in the morning. He's been asleep for an hour so fingers crossed!!

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