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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was awful of DP

80 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 21:56

Ds 5mths old and been sleeping through untill last week. Had five bad nights on the bounce, me doing all night feeds and dp lying in as tierd from baby and needed to drive.
Last night was worse, baby screaming n waking every 45 min for comfort. Dp got up at three am and went to living room to sleep. I had a birthday gift of a arts course in the morning at half ten, do off work to have baby in day. By eight am I was in tears as so tierd and shouted shut up please to baby (bad but I was broken). Dp came in said you shouldn't shout. I asked him to take him as I couldn't cope, he said no as doing other children packed lunches and needed to do school run.
I sat in our room in floods of tears holding the baby while he just walked in and out. As he left he asked me to defrost ds milk in freezer, change and dress him before I went out.
I'm so angry with him for leaving me like that with a small baby when I wasn't coping and he was in a position to help me. I was so upset. I also couldn't enjoy my treat as I was so echusted (2nd baby fee day since D's was born). Oh and he was late back to get ds too as he was busy for me to go out.
Aibu? (I should say he's tonight offered to have baby in living room so I can try n sleep a bit which is good)

OP posts:

abbsisspartacus · 12/12/2018 22:31

He was wrong kids are late to school for no good reason every day this would have been a real reason you were upset and struggling only an utter shite walks away like that

TheBabyAteMyBrain · 12/12/2018 22:32

Teething gel is good stuff, maybe try ibuprofen instead of paracetamol, it's always worked better for ds. Teeth always hurt more at night as there is nothing to distract from the pain or discomfort.

Believeitornot · 12/12/2018 22:34

Why do we give ourselves these impossible parenting targets

Why not hold ourselves up to better standards instead of the bare minimum?

I have shouted at my dcs but take the view that I shouldn’t have done it. I don’t take the view of shrugging it off.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 12/12/2018 22:34

I have a long memory - next time his dc need their lunch making or being driven to school, I'd be telling 'd'p that I was busy with the baby and he'd have to do it!
He probably has no idea of the level of utter exhaustion you are feeling, since he hasn't experienced it, but frankly it's time he did! This isn't his first baby and his attitude indicates that he got a free ride with his first set of kids too. Time to remind him that anything you do to help him with your step children is out of a sense of partnership and that is a two way street. Failure on his part to help you when needed will result in failure on your part to help him out too!

Bahhhhhumbug · 12/12/2018 22:36

gareth we could all do a lot of things on top of what we already do but l don't agree with the op that dp was 'awful'. It was mentioned the other two DC are step dc but l don't see that is relevant. In a house with three DC the DP was dealing with getting two fed watered, washed or whatever and doing the school run. I also get impression op is breastfeeding /on maternity leave so the night feeds logically would fall to her. Also he is having the baby tonight so op can get some sleep. I really don't feel a LTB coming on at all lm afraid (joking)

BoebePhuffay · 12/12/2018 22:37

Yes teething gel is good stuff. I’m not sure if it’s still available but my DCs got on very well with dentinox teething gel.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 22:38

He woke me up last week to make packed lunches after I'd been up with D's during the night. I got up and helped as he was freaking out about kids being late for school as he was ill with a bad cold and had got up late.

Just kinda wanted a return today, I've never ever asked before even when D's was newborn.

OP posts:

Bosabosa · 12/12/2018 22:38

I would only add that lack of sleep make people do things irrationally and behave more unkindly than they would. Forgive yourself for shouting and try to forgive him for not doing what you needed.
As others have said, let him know what you need- even if it’s a ‘I am sorry I can’t take baby’ but gives you a cuddle and makes you a tea whilst saying it.
However, you may need to watch this and watch your own energy levels- e.g. stop helping him in the mornings with your step-kids. You need to look after yourself and put yourself first. ESP when you have a new born. He clearly puts his needs first,
You should start doing the same.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 22:39

Yep I'm on mat leave and yes we're a family. It was the leaving your partner in floods of tears without even a cuddle that was awful.
I'd at least have hugged him and said I love you , your doing awesome

OP posts:

WilburforceRaven · 12/12/2018 22:45

When people show you who they are, listen to them.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/12/2018 22:45

Bahhhhhumbug he was up every 45 mins, that's not just night feeds. I have 3 kids and have to get two to school, I would still expect help on a night like that. I would also expect comfort if I was crying.

WilburforceRaven · 12/12/2018 22:47

and yes we're a family.

If this is his idea of a family that's a really sobering thought.

cordeliavorkosigan · 12/12/2018 22:48

He is being very unreasonable if you're expected to wake up and help with your stepDC while also having the baby, but he won't help and take the baby / organise himself to get up in time when you are shattered. Totally inconsiderate and selfish and one-sided. Agree you should put your needs first for a while; having a baby in the night then all day is intense and your DC need you to be well.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 22:48

Night feeds are never an issue he used to do sleep at nine pm then night feed at 11 and/orb3am then up at eight am or just before.
It's just this last week that's been hell...hence I question if something is wrong like teething. Last night was epicly bad though. He was better as a newborn tbf

OP posts:

SB1013 · 12/12/2018 22:50

At 5 months old I really think it's ok to let your baby cry for a little bit before going to them in the night. They need to learn to self soothe and in the middle of the night a few minutes can feel much longer. Could you maybe leave the baby for 5 mins and see if he goes back to sleep? I remember reading babies often cry as they are coming out of a sleep cycle and going into another but aren't fully awake so us then picking them up wakes them and they need soothing to go back off. Just a thought and I'm sure you've tried it. I know a lot of people don't agree with leaving them to cry but it never hurt my two and they slept through from really young. I don't put that down to luck

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/12/2018 22:50

Why not hold ourselves up to better standards instead of the bare minimum?

Why doesn't the OPs DH follow this advice? The OP is clearly doing far more than the bare minimum. She sounds like a fabulous loving mother.

There's all kinds of evidence that setting impossible targets actually lowers achievement as it sets us up to fail and feel like failures.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 22:55

Honestly if baby is ok that's all that matters. I wouldn't have left a tiny baby with someone in my state this morning and ultimately that's the thing that matters but yes people are right I need to do more to make sure I'm ok for baby. If that means saying I need xyz then I guess I'll have to do that or stepping back a bit on other things.
I wish I could sleep with D's in daytime but he will only do 20-40min catnaps X 2 during the day (always been like that).

OP posts:

Believeitornot · 12/12/2018 22:57

There's all kinds of evidence that setting impossible targets actually lowers achievement as it sets us up to fail and feel like failures

Yes but if we always tell ourselves we can do better next time instead of just accepting that something is “normal”, then we can achieve more.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/12/2018 22:59

If his sleeping in the day doesn't improve you can ask for help with sleep from health visitor.They will come out to you. I found all mine had one 2hr nap by about 9 months though and that did help a lot! ( of course by then you dont need the daytime rest as much)

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/12/2018 23:01

Believeitornot The Op said she knows she was wrong for shouting

BoebePhuffay · 12/12/2018 23:02

I had one like that too OP. My second baby wouldn’t sleep during the day. It was like torture. All I wanted to do at any given moment was fall down where I stood and sleep. But no such luck. He started sleeping for the childminder when I went back to work

If I had my time again I would go to bed during the day and put him into his cot to sleep beside me and just take all those 10/20/30 minute cat naps when I could get them. I think the permanent exhaustion was a massive factor in my PND. With hindsight I would look after myself far better and insist on getting that help from your DP. It’s too important not to.

Chocolaterainbows · 12/12/2018 23:04

Someone's on their soap box

timeisnotaline · 12/12/2018 23:07

If I don’t feel appreciated by my husband for doing all the baby things, I wake him more. Then he appreciates me more for doing all the rest of the wakes, as our baby (just 6m) is a very shit sleeper! He works during the day, I don’t work 24 hours a day so that he can sleep all night. Would he never stay out late and go to work the next day? Just about everybody would. He would be fine waking. And to be fair he is tonight - make sure he does the night not comes in to tell you it’s too hard at 2am.
And tell him that you were upset he didn’t take the time to give you a cuddle or take the baby on the school run and that it feels one sided if he thinks he can wake you to help in the morning when he needs it, but doesn’t return the favour. Tell him before it happens again, he’s far less likely to listen if you shout it at the time unfortunately.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 23:10

Agree the crying garbled hysterical person this morning wasn't that clear!
I now have insomnia ,sigh , overtired

OP posts:

BlimeyCalmDown · 12/12/2018 23:14

Never shout at your baby, it is very frightening for them and damaging. Next time lock yourself in the bathroom, it's less harmless for baby to sry for a short time and if your DH is in the house then tell him briefly on way past that you are not coping and he needs to take over as an emergency. Don't feel bad but don't take it out on baby - that is the unacceptable bit (along with your DH for not appreciating your desperation), talk about a coping plan for next time when it gets that bad (well before the event). You are only human but baby doesn't deserve to be shouted at, it was up to you DH to step in.

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