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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was awful of DP

80 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 21:56

Ds 5mths old and been sleeping through untill last week. Had five bad nights on the bounce, me doing all night feeds and dp lying in as tierd from baby and needed to drive.
Last night was worse, baby screaming n waking every 45 min for comfort. Dp got up at three am and went to living room to sleep. I had a birthday gift of a arts course in the morning at half ten, do off work to have baby in day. By eight am I was in tears as so tierd and shouted shut up please to baby (bad but I was broken). Dp came in said you shouldn't shout. I asked him to take him as I couldn't cope, he said no as doing other children packed lunches and needed to do school run.
I sat in our room in floods of tears holding the baby while he just walked in and out. As he left he asked me to defrost ds milk in freezer, change and dress him before I went out.
I'm so angry with him for leaving me like that with a small baby when I wasn't coping and he was in a position to help me. I was so upset. I also couldn't enjoy my treat as I was so echusted (2nd baby fee day since D's was born). Oh and he was late back to get ds too as he was busy for me to go out.
Aibu? (I should say he's tonight offered to have baby in living room so I can try n sleep a bit which is good)

OP posts:

KnightlyMyMan · 12/12/2018 23:16

OP- I’m sorry but YABU

You’re over tired and struggling so I say it softly but your DH was making other kids packed lunches and packing them off to school, which needed to be done! Had he been lazing beside you In bed then I would say different but he wasn’t!

If your baby isn’t sleeping then perhaps a ‘treat’ shouldn’t have been booked for the morning, or you and DH should have agreed beforehand that he would have baby in the night whilst you got up and made packed lunches/ dealt with older kids in the morning.

What actually happened was that you had the baby in the night - he got up with older kids in the morning and did their stuff - whilst you lost your temper and cried because the situation didn’t suit your going to your art class.

It’s just bad planning but I’m not sure what you expected your DP to do this morning - take the baby/comfort you and let older kids go without?

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 23:17

I am aware as stated. Baby is fine and safe.

OP posts:

BoebePhuffay · 12/12/2018 23:19

It’s just bad planning but I’m not sure what you expected your DP to do this morning - take the baby/comfort you and let older kids go without?

Yes, take the baby, juggle baby and other kids like other mums do every bloody morning while trying to get everyone out the door on time!! His partner was in tears.

HateIsNotGood · 12/12/2018 23:19

It's your first baby so you're a bit shocked that it isn't that easy. It's at least his third so DP has a bit of an idea.

I think it's great he prioritizes his dc and getting them organized over an adult woman crying because she's tired because she's had a baby.

That sounds harsher than I mean to sound. You'll get a good sleep soon and it will all be better then. Baby first for now OP.

Ssmiler · 12/12/2018 23:19

OP have you thought that he might be hungry? I BF for a year and DS who had slept 7 hours each night from 8 weeks old started wakening a lot in the night from 4 months. This continued until it was time to wean him onto solids - after one week on solids, back to sleeping though again!
The only advice I was given was from the GP - to give him a bottle of formula last thing at night as it's heavier and might help him to sleep longer. I don't know if this would have helped as I didn't do it - but maybe it's something you could consider if this continues. I hope it improves and you get some decent sleep soon

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 23:20

Seriously? It was a present which I didn't book or know about untilnl my birthday which dp was asked about and agreed to provide childcare.
When he works away I provide childcare or when he is sick or needs help.

OP posts:

BoebePhuffay · 12/12/2018 23:20

I mean it’s really not asking the impossible for a parent to bounce a baby on their hip while supervising teeth brushing, shoe putting on, lunch box gathering of older DC.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 23:23

He's being weened but he is a tall boy. So yes maybe he's hungry...but he isn't feeding just comforting

OP posts:

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 23:24

Yep I do it most mornings for all the DC plus did it tonight as I made dinner and then did homework

OP posts:

TrippingTheVelvet · 12/12/2018 23:36

I agree with Knightly. If the roles were reversed and OP said her DP shouted at the baby and said he was too tired to feed and change them before he went to the football whilst she got the two kids ready for school and drove the 17miles to it everyone would go nuts.

Saying that, whilst your behaviour wasn't great, exhaustion is a terrible thing and we all crack from the pressure sometimes.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 23:39

The going out only made a difference as he was due to have baby anyway! It would have been same if I'd been at home or not. I don't hate to live in a world where someone isn't coping for once and people wouldn't help, I would never ever do that to dp.
Maybe I'm expecting too much to be treated how I treat others

OP posts:

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 23:40

I would hate not I don't hate.. autocorrect error

OP posts:

TrippingTheVelvet · 12/12/2018 23:41

That sounded a bit harsher than intended maybe. What I meant was that whilst I don't think you behaved terribly, neither did he. You've both got a lot on your plates which makes people both a bit more sensitive and less accomodating than usual.

tararabumdeay · 12/12/2018 23:42

Is he a provider or a user? Will you love him when he's old and ill, more ill then you can cope with and it takes more from your life than you can possibly imagine?

Join the club of women who have been controlled, dominated and let down by men. The Father who leaves for another shag; the woman who is beautiful to her man. Take no notice. He'll shag anyone to reciprocate his genes. You, however, will be the servant to him forever unless you decide to change it.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 23:44

I don't understand. Dp or baby? Dp is often fine. He loves the children and he tries his hardest. Of course I love them both, hence why they are both here!

OP posts:

StoppinBy · 12/12/2018 23:46

You are both exhausted and cranky. I know the feeling my DS is 19 months and only just stopped waking up between 3 - 5 times a night a few months ago.

This week we all have colds and he has been up again, I forgot just how bad it sucks!

Please take a moment to try and forgive him because he is doing it tough too, even not getting up with baby he is still being woken up (yes I completely get it's not the same but still tiring.... and I would have likely not spoken to my DH for days if he told me he was tired too when I was going through it lol but it's true).

Then take some quiet time with your partner to talk about what you can both do to help each other, this way you can get your feelings across without him feeling like he is being attacked and getting defensive xx

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/12/2018 23:51

Stoppinby- good advise and I agree it's not a contest. I'll explain to dp why I was upset and what I needed, it might help and equally he might have a point of view I hadn't considered X

OP posts:

Bahhhhhumbug · 12/12/2018 23:54

gareth but she didn't have to get two kids ready for school and still expect help in the night like you would. DP was getting the two DC ready for school so OP just had the baby. Then in the whole day and that night he was looking after the baby whilst op went on her art class and then slept later respectively. Afaic dp is doing his fair share of 'shifts' and for people to say he should have made his dc late for school is ridiculous imo. As a pp has said he was merely prioritising two DC getting to school over one adult woman crying because she was tired.

MarilynSlumroe · 13/12/2018 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohtheholidays · 13/12/2018 00:00

Bless you,you sound bloody exhausted OP!

Honestly if a friend or neighbour was crying on the floor with they're young baby in they're arms I would have taken the baby,put them back to bed with a warm drink and told them to go back to sleep!

So of course your DP should have stepped up and stepped in,it sounds like your happy to do exactly that for your DP when ever he needs you to and your doing that for him with DC that aren't biologically yours(and I'm not knocking that my DH is Dad to all of my DC but not biologically to all of them)so what does he thinks his excuse is when he's helped make this baby then he needs to help look after it.

Do get some teething gel or teething powders/granules.Our 5th DC DD really suffered when she was teething(far worse than any of our other DC)and the only thing that worked for her was Parsons teething granules,seriouslly they were a God send!

If the baby's sleep carrys on like this for another day or 2 please speak to your HV or Dr,this little a sleep is not good for you or your baby and tell your DP that sleep deprivation is a well none form of torture!

StoppinBy · 13/12/2018 00:07

OP please ignore all the posters who are criticising you for the way you feel/felt. until you actually get to the point where you are at it is impossible to understand.

Those of us who have been there completely get that sometimes the rational done thing is not what you actually need in those moments.

When sleeping has become so unpredictable that you don't even know if you will get half an hour between wake ups and you are running on empty, yes sometimes you do need your partner to take the baby that has been screaming at you for hours on and off even though he is clearly busy, especially when it would normally be what you HAVE to do because he isn't usually there to do it.

Give the lady a break, she is clearly struggling right now.

Robots1Humans0 · 13/12/2018 00:35

In my experience OP men are clueless and only do things exactly as per instructed , no more no less. This is where The List comes in to play.
For example yesterday, I had both kids from 6am on my own (DP early start) took them out, DP came in, I went out to work 5pm-1am. Supermarket trip planned for this morning. I naively thought he might have wrote a shopping list once kids were in bed. His response when I asked? 'Did you ask me to?' Next time ask specifically for the coffee. Babies are hard, plan in time for DH to have baby and have nothing planned for yourself so the pressure is off .

Redken24 · 13/12/2018 07:09

OP dh could easily have made packed lunches the night before some of us do that so we don't have to rush.
Your doing good just tell your husband you need help.
Also we found chamomilla good for teething, just teetha but loads cheaper

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 13/12/2018 07:46

I'm sorry but men are not clueless, they do not need instructions. If he can hold down a job he can look after 3 kids at once, it isn't rocket science. He's pathetic. You had been up all night whilst he slept then he doesn't even care enough about you to take the baby on the bloody school run! Around that age my son was up every 40 mins for what felt like a lifetime. It was so so tough as a single parent, constantly exhausted. Having a partner should make both your lives easier and better.

endofthelinefinally · 13/12/2018 07:56

It would be worth getting your baby's ears checked. What you describe is typical of earache in babies.

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