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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to tell me the pros and cons of finding out baby's sex?

86 replies

CrystalBlaze · 11/12/2018 19:25

Just that really. 20 weeks and incredibly torn between wanting to know and not wanting to spoil the surprise.

Thoughts anyone?

OP posts:
Shitonthebloodything · 11/12/2018 19:27

It's still a surprise just an early one.

myname666 · 11/12/2018 19:30

Its the biggest/most important surprise in your life, wait and enjoy the suspense.
Each to their own but that was my view.

TheOrangeOwl · 11/12/2018 19:31

It's still a surprise and I found it's helped both DP and I to bond with our baby referring to 'him' instead of 'it'!

bridgetreilly · 11/12/2018 19:32

Pros: you can plan
Cons: you don't get the surprise when it's born.

That's basically it.

Magicmonster · 11/12/2018 19:33

I have done it both ways. Advantages of finding out in my opinion are:

  • it’s still an exciting surpriae just earlier. When I gave birth without finding it out I was too exhausted to really care when they declared the sex but you don’t have that at 20 weeks.
  • I felt like I bonded with the baby better as it made it all more real
  • If you have a preference it can be nice to find out to come to terms with it before the birth.
  • you only have to come up with a list of names for one sex
  • can help to prepare any older children
  • if you’re the type of person that wants to dress their girl in pink or boy in blue it helps to prepare

Disadvantages are:

  • I like surprises!
  • it can make the final tiring days a tiny bit more exciting when you don’t know.
Wasywasydoodah · 11/12/2018 19:33

I’ve done both. Overall I liked the mystery of not knowing and finding out at the birth the best. But I love suprises generally. I found out for my third and last child just for practical reasons, so I could sort tge baby clothes, etc. I’m glad I did because having 3 v small kids was really hard.

Batteriesallgone · 11/12/2018 19:34

I found out because I wanted to know. I felt it would help my bond and ‘idea’ of the baby in my head. I can’t see images in my head / imagination, so I need facts to build a picture of someone. Precious few facts about a foetus so I grabbed at what I could!

I know people who’ve had quite invasive pregnancies (IVF conception or high risk pregnancy) who didn’t find out because they wanted to keep it a secret, one less thing to be examined and laid bare by medical staff. That makes total sense to me.

I guess it depends if you’re the wanting to know everything type or the more reserved patient type.

Huntawaymama · 11/12/2018 19:34

I had a surprise with my first and I'm so so glad I did. Waiting was awesome and being told when she was born was so special. I found out with my second, really just because I'd kept all dd1s clothes and I wanted to know whether to sell them or keep them. It was nice knowing DD2 was a girl. Tbh either way is wonderful

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 11/12/2018 19:37

If it's your first, wait and have 'news' to tell after the birth Smile
Second (or more) Find out so that you can manage your older child's expectations. My DGD was certain that she was having a brother - finding out gave my DD time to convince her that a sister would be preferable...Grin

theveryhighlife · 11/12/2018 19:38

I had my 20 week scan with my son just before Christmas. I asked the lady who did the scan to write the babies gender in a Christmas card so I could open it on Christmas Day. This was way before gender reveals were a 'thing'.
No pros or cons to add really. I knew before the birth the gender of both of my children. I'd I'd had a 3rd baby I wouldn't have found out though.

Oysterbabe · 11/12/2018 19:39

You always get people looking down on those who find out, like it's a low class thing to do. But it's just not a big deal to everyone. Not everyone needs a big moment at the birth. It's one or the other so they want to find out and halve their names list. The birth will be special anyway and they don't need the extra surprise to make it more so. People also get weirdly passionate about it, determined to argue that their way is the right way. Do whichever feels right for you and your partner.

I didn't find out with my first and I did with my second (so we could clear out any of the unsuitable clothes we'd saved). Both births were great. My DS's was no less special because we knew what kind we were getting.

BertieBotts · 11/12/2018 19:39

Pros: you can decide on a definite name and start referring to the baby by it. I found this helps me bond/conceptualise.
You know whether you should spend money on cute little dresses. It gives you a chance to get your head around any disappointment before you're hugely emotional and sleep deprived. (IME this is a bit of a moot fear as the excitement and overwhelm of meeting your baby outweighs any worries about sec preference)

Cons: people will start gendering your baby before it's even born. You might be drawn into gender stereotypes of your own.

Batteriesallgone · 11/12/2018 19:41

Also if it helps, I felt really strongly I didn’t want to be told by someone else at birth.

I mentioned this recently to a doula and she said well you can put it in your birth plan that you’d prefer if nobody looks. There’s no immediate need to record sex.

If you have a straightforward vaginal birth they put baby straight on you for skin to skin anyway so you could easily be the first one to look. Less certain how it works with a c section but she said she’d helped at sections where the mum had been first to look.

By the way - congratulations on your pregnancy. Highly recommend a doula for the birth. Doulas are amazing.

Frlrlrubert · 11/12/2018 19:43

I didn't find out mainly because I don't like overly 'gendered' stuff and not knowing meant people couldn't get us frilly pink gifts.

My mum is very traditional and I didn't want to have the 'stop with the stereotypes' arguments marring my pregnancy.

I have managed to get to 2.2 avoiding the pinkification if all things, but now she's choosing her own stuff it is creeping in!

It was nice to find out another little piece of who she was as we met her, but I can't say we really cared all that much either way (though I did prefer our girls name).

cadburyegg · 11/12/2018 19:43

We didn’t find out with DS1 but did with DS2. Both times it was exciting but there was a sense of suspense with DS1, as someone else said it’s the only surprise you’ll ever really get in life.

I found people guessing boy/girl annoying and my in laws were convinced we had found out and just hadn’t told them. MIL even texted DH with “oh please tell me I won’t let on to Cadbury”. I also find a lot of unisex baby clothes quite boring.

Meredith501 · 11/12/2018 19:43

I like to have time to think about things.

Because he was my first and I didn't have a clue about labour, I thought it would be better to know. After a failed induction and an emergency section with a bit of a hairy moment where they thought they might have to give me a general anaesthetic and then him being whisked off while I got stitched back up, I am really glad I knew. I had been awake for 30 hours by the time he was born so it was one less thing to have to process.

It was a great surprise when we found out at 20 weeks and we didn't tell anyone that we had found out so it was a lovely little secret between me and DH too.

MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 11/12/2018 19:43

Agree with everything Oysterbabe said, people on here tend to be weirdly smug if they didn't find out. Finding out does not make the birth any less special, how could it when you're meeting your baby for the first time! Ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

Fwiw, I found out with DD and loved the experience, never regretted it.

Oysterbabe · 11/12/2018 19:44

Just to add, when we found out with our second we didn't tell anyone else that we'd found out. We thought it'd make the announcement more interesting 😂

Pachyderm1 · 11/12/2018 19:45

Pros: no agony of suspense
You can refer to the baby as him / her
You can pick a shortlist of names

Cons
No surprise
Annoying people will buy your baby aggressively gendered clothes and toys

Bythebeach · 11/12/2018 19:50

It seemed incredibly artificial to me to not find out when it was blatantly obvious to the sonographer and actually because I had a weird 16 week scan with no 1, was asked if I wanted to know when I wasn’t expecting it but obviously sonographer could clearly see so I said ‘Oh okay’. Found out with other two at usual 20 week scan. No regrets. At least I didn’t waste time deliberating over girl names 😂. Never viewed it as a surprise to wait for - it’s a baby and for me I didn’t need to not find out what they were to have a surprise at birth....it was all bloody amazing and mind blowing anyway!!

DryIce · 11/12/2018 19:54

I think it's one of those things like breastfeeding or sleep training that rules your life at the time and is the most important thing ever, but ultimately doesn't really matter.

FWIW, I didn't find out last time or now I'm pregnant again. I do like a surprise, and being able to make an announcement. Some of my friends don't care about this and found out, had the name and if elective time and date picked beforehand - great if you're a planner! But I would have hated it.

It also depends how much the sex matters to you. I passionately hate the highly gendered clothes and decorations, and don't really think of the sex as a defining characteristic. So knowing he was a boy wouldn't have helped me bond any more than knowing he'd be blond.

Batteriesallgone · 11/12/2018 19:55

I’m confused by the no surprise argument

My body made a baby! Meeting each one was a huge surprise. Their beautiful eyes, little fingers, little toes... I remember just counting DS1s toes, over and over.

I didn’t mistily stare at his genitals...that didn’t really figure for me in the wonder of the moment.

Oysterbabe · 11/12/2018 19:57

Much more exciting than their sex at the birth was seeing that they both look like me. In your face DH.

Mummadeeze · 11/12/2018 19:57

My partner really wanted a boy. It was better that he was disappointed at the scan than at the birth. He was a little bit gutted but by the time I gave birth he was all excited again. I, on the other hand, really wanted a girl, so once I knew I could get really excited by buying girly bits. I like to plan stuff so I never would have waited.

ChikiTIKI · 11/12/2018 19:58

It's a difficult one.... I always knew I wanted it to be a surprise. I had a traumatic birth and finding out the sex of the baby was the only nice memory. And even then I am remembering it as a much better moment than it actually was.

If you find out the sex in a scan, at least it's in a nice calm environment where you can really take in the information. If I had another baby I would be torn about what to do.

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