To ask you to tell me the pros and cons of finding out baby's sex?

[CrystalBlaze]

Just that really. 20 weeks and incredibly torn between wanting to know and not wanting to spoil the surprise.

Thoughts anyone?

My SIL found out a massive con...

• 3 seperate scans said girl. Much pink was bought. Much bonding done. Special sentimental name chosen and heart set on. Little boy came out 🤷‍♀️

If you want to have something special for finding out when the baby is born, just let the staff know. I once saw a birth plan (a real one) where the parents asked that the father announce the sex of the baby. After that, I tried to always remember to ask the dad (if he was present) if he wanted to be the one to tell the mother the sex.

Fridaydreamer

Too bad we can't go back in time. Pink used to be the colour for BOYS. (Seriously.) Given that it's a light red and red was thought to be "too strong" for girls, all the boys wore pink and all the girls wore blue. All babies wore long dresses, so you had all the boys in pink dresses.

Knowing -
pros: you know and crucially you don't not know
Cons: you can't not know again, once you know, you know

Not knowing -
Pros: you don't know and therefore it isn't not unknown to you. Which can be a rub
Cons: you could accidentally start knowing and once you know, well you're back to the cons of knowing or pros of you're a glass half full kind of person

I didn't find out, just enjoyed the whole what if its a girl.....but if its a boy....

I didn't buy lots of clothes before either birth and but with the second one I sorted the older ones clothes into boys and neutral so if it was a girl i could quickly remove the boys stuff.

I couldn't see any cons. I like real surprises, i.e. surprises where it's not possible to know before a certain point. But once it's possible to know I want to know. Each to their own.

PS knowing in advance in no way dents the surprise of actually seeing and holding the baby that you've been growing for months, honestly

PRO: if you live somewhere where male circumcision is common you can make a decision in advance on whether to circumcise or not.

For us, we wanted to know as we had a preference for DC2 and wanted to be able to get used to the idea if we didn't get what we wanted rather than being disappointed at the birth. Good thing too since we didn't get what we wanted.

Pro: It’s nice to be able to imagine your life with a son or daughter in it, how you’ll imagine they’ll look, how they’ll be etc, rather than imaging a generic baby. Finding out at the scan is still a surprise, it’s a surprise whenever you’re told.

Cons: with my second baby I was disappointed when told at the scan and it ruined what should have been a very exciting scan. Prior to being told I was overwhelmed looking at the screen, watching my perfect baby wriggle around and it all seemed so perfect....but when I was told the sex all the magic I’d been feeling disappeared and was replaced by disappointment. It was horrible. I remember trying to act happy and excited so the sonographer and my husband wouldn’t think I was a total bitch but inside I wanted to cry. It took me 3-4 days to get over the sense of disappointment. Had I not found out at the scan I’m pretty sure I would have been so happy whatever the sex turned out to be upon arrival.

I wouldn't have missed the lovely morning we had at my scan. DH and I came home, called parents, had a coffee in the garden and started discussing names.

After thr birth when I was holding a baby, being stitched, having a drip installed and being violently palpated by 2 midwives I don't think I would have even thought to look for a good 20 minutes.

I didn't have any problems 'planning' for the arrival if either of my sons (surprise both times). If you're really bothered about pink vs blue babygros then just buy neutral. Absolutely no need to know.

Of course if you want to know then go ahead (and it seems most want to know). But there's no actual advantage. I couldn't have imagined wanting to know. It's a baby. An angel. A precious thing. Putting so much emphasis on its sex implies you intend to treat it differently from before birth according to its sexual organs.

Pro: helped make the baby real during pregnancy, Only had to think of names for one sex. A relative recently had her second child and is finding it is taking her time to process her newborn is a boy, as she had openly hoped for a daughter and had secretly convinced herself she was having a girl. She's thrilled with her new son but wishes she'd found out second time round so she could let the dream go and prepare herself to welcome her son.

If you tell people beforehand you've got no announcement to make after the birth, bit of a damp squib really

Are you seriously telling me that my family and friends were not excited to hear about the birth of my children?

I disagree that the people who find out are the ones putting the emphasis on the sex. They're finding out from a bored sonographer who relays the information with as much interest as they do the femur length. It's just another bit of information about the child, why keep this one thing a secret when it's no big deal? The ones that want the surprise at birth are usually the ones imagining their husband tearfully announcing the sex like in a film.

I found out with all 3 of mine. I just wanted to know everything about my pregnancy and baby.
(Plus I couldn’t stand the thought of someone(the sonographer) knowing and me not😂)
It was still a surprise each time, just halfway through. The first 20 weeks are filled with scans/appointments/blood tests/ hearing the heartbeat for the first time, then you get to 20 weeks and it stops. And drags a bit til the end.

Dp didn’t want to know (he’s father to #3) so I didn’t tell him. Was easy to keep it a secret. My mum and sisters knew, my elder two dc, DPs 2 elder dc, and a few of my friends but dp never had an inkling and said no one let it slip.

I’m 17 weeks with #4 and will be finding out if baby cooperates at the anomaly scan. Can’t wait. Dp is unsure if he wants to know this time but that’s up to him.

Anecdotally, my younger sister didn’t find out, but said she wished she had have as by the time she gave birth she was ready to punch the next person to play the ‘do you think it’s a boy or a girl’ ‘you’re carrying low so it’s deffo a boy/girl’ guessing game (she went 11 days overdue)

@agnurse yeah I knew that. Was it a royal who influenced the swap I seem to recall (could’ve dreamt it). Really interesting and a big middle finger to those who say pink isn’t for boys. Love it

We didn't find out with DS1 as I wanted DH to be the one to tell me what we had and I'll never forget his voice or the look on his face when he said "Babe, it's a boy! We have a baby boy!"

We found out with DS2 around 22 weeks as I was convinced I was having a girl and was driving DH crazy with baby names.

I didn't help in particular in terms of bonding, and was far less of an excited announcement than it would have been if we'd waited. That's how I felt in any case. I love a surprise!

If I were to fall pregnant with a mythical third child (not gonna happen!) I wouldn't find out again.

I think much like all decisions relating to pregnancy, childbirth and parenting, there is absolutely no wrong way to do it. Only the right way for you!

Think it’s defo personal preference and everyone is different but my experience was just magical tbh. I was so excited. I think I must have been infectious because everyone in the room was beaming at me while I screamed ‘it’s a boy!!! It’s a boy!! OMG I can’t believe it!! Everyone can you see?! I have a boy?!’ My husband said ‘sssh we know’ 😂. Obvs would have reacted the same to him being a girl but the surprise really suited and overwhelmed me. I love thinking back to it x

Was a bit cooler about my daughter being born but still so so lovely. I’m pleased I didn’t find out.

For me it was more exciting not knowing. Longest build up ever, people guessing to the end, the extra suspense in the last few minutes of birth. A really nice element was that my husband got to be the one to do the big reveal to waiting family and friends. DH got his little moment in the spotlight!

Didn't know with DC1 and did with DC2 and DC3.

Have to say the surprise was very poignant, emotional and unforgettable but then so was meeting my other baby's.

I think it's up to the individuals, you either want to know or you don't. I don't think there are "pros" or "cons" either way really.

Personally I chose not to find out either time, we wanted it to be a surprise when the time came. We didn't really need to "prepare" for either sex, we just bought white newborn baby grows and thought about names for boys and girls. It was nice finding out at the birth. We are planning to have another and will do the same again.

It's really personal preference but what confuses me is that some of the not find out camp make such odd comments about those of us that prefer it.

Of course people are still excited and pleased about the birth of the baby, since when did any grandma or other relative say "can't be arsed to call down tbh I knew it was a boy"

I didn't find out either time. I wanted a range of mixed neutral colours that were suitable for any future siblings so there was no advantage to knowing.

I liked the speculation of wondering. It was one of the nice things through grueling pregnancies.

DS1 was an EMCS and got whisked off to NICU with barely a glimpse at him. I heard some reference to "him" but wasn't actually told directly that he was a boy. He was named with our boy name in his absence. Finding out that I had a son (or equally a daughter if that had been the case) was the only piece of nice information I got that day other than seeing the pram wheeling in to me in HDU some hours later.
DS2 was also born in theatre but a less panicked situation. The moment of being told that we had a second son is a bit hazy, but those immediate new baby hugs were amazing. I remember looking at him feeling he was perfect.

They were lovely wriggly bumps. They had novelty bump names playing puns with our surname. I liked the idea that baby had a secret (well and the sonographers, including the one who turned the screen so DS2 wasn't a big shock at the end ). It was nice to meet them as a person without gendered stereotyping in advance and to not be definite about their name. (Even after fruitless debate about girls names )

@QueenofmyPrinces I complete get you and felt the same way about the disappointment.

I hate suspense. So does DH.

Finding out as early as possible meant we could think about names and get excited about our life with a son / daughter.

We were also able to decorate the nursery etc.

Cons: people may express their disappointment to you, when they wouldn’t say “oh what a shame it’s a boy” if it was announced at birth.