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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you to tell me the pros and cons of finding out baby's sex?

86 replies

CrystalBlaze · 11/12/2018 19:25

Just that really. 20 weeks and incredibly torn between wanting to know and not wanting to spoil the surprise.

Thoughts anyone?

OP posts:

NeverTalksToStrangers · 11/12/2018 20:01

I always wanted girls. When I was pg with ds1 I had myself convinced he was a girl. When he was born I quickly got over it as he was just the cutest wee angel and I was totally in love.

2 weeks later though, my dh's SIL had a baby girl and when i heard the news my initial pang was of jealousy. That faded but then the guilt set in and I started to cry. I probably would have done the same thing if the sexes had been reversed.

So for ds2 I found out. I knew anyway, but didn't want to risk that chance of ever being disappointed. I love my boys so much. I do worry about them marrying some bitch who hates me, but I have time yet.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 11/12/2018 20:04

I didn't find out as I'm another one who doesn't like wholly gendered stuff. Even though a few months on my baby has loads of hand me downs in bright pink and I'm still asked "Is it a boy or girl?" Though to be fair this is mostly by hardworking so knackered adults and young children.

One advantage of not finding out is that you can't let it slip so people, more commonly known as CF relations, can't give you name "ideas." My friends who found out simply called their baby by the opposite sex but slipped up a few times. (A few of their older children jokingly asked it to be named after them regardless of sex - if she had been a boy one of them would have got their wish.)

Oh and it was fun in the hospital with the HCPs in the labour room guessing the sex. Everyone got it wrong as most were going on a population level or the fact DD was being eager to be born.

mouthkisses · 11/12/2018 20:05

Very much what @Magicmonster said. I had a rough ride having my first and I don't recall even being told the sex of the baby. My brother's wife said finding out was very much lost in the relief and bluster too, and she had a candles-and-Enya job.

I found out at 20 weeks the second time. And it was really lovely. That said, if I could have a lovely moment at birth or a lovely moment at 20 weeks then I'd choose birth.

Redgreencoverplant · 11/12/2018 20:06

By the time DS was born I was too tired and delirious to feel anything. So glad we found out at 20 weeks and I had the joy of founding out without exhaustion and pain :)

HestiaParthenos · 11/12/2018 20:15

I don't care much one way or the other, but seeing as people are so prone to gender stereotyping nowadays, I'd either not ask, or pretend to everyone else that I don't know.

Only thing I'd need to know the sex for would be names, anyway, and it is easy to decide on two names you like.

If you have a preference on which sex you want, it is probably better to get the disappointment over with before the birth.

TheChickenOfTruth · 11/12/2018 20:17

We didn't really get the choice. We all saw the massive testicles long before the sonographer said anything. 👌

Got my 20 week scan on Monday for DC2. We will see what we see.

rubaduhlo · 11/12/2018 20:20

Entirely up to you either way! I don't see what 'planning' can be done with knowing that can't be done without knowing. Babies don't care what colour clothes they wear!

mittensofsteel · 11/12/2018 20:21

Expecting DC4. I found out with two and not dc3 or this one. Various reasons behind it - this time I have a new partner and he wants a surprise.

In all honesty I wish I had found out earlier - it's like having two surprises rather than one. You get to see its face at the birth - that's amazing enough. And the first twenty weeks of pregnancy are dreadful enough - it's really nice to find out and get a boost.

Three weeks to go and am obsessing over nub theory instead...

CatLadyToddlerMother · 11/12/2018 20:23

I found out with DD because ExH wanted to know. Don't regret knowing as we'd chosen her name and needed to ask "permission" of a family member before using one of her names (he said yes by the way and was excited with us once he knew)

Aquilla · 11/12/2018 20:26

My midwife told me women who don't know the sex have better births! I think it definitely keeps you going.
Nothing can describe looking down and seeing your baby's sex for yourself.

Original poster

CrystalBlaze · 11/12/2018 20:28

Gosh, so many different responses. Thanks all. We don't have a preference for either and definitely won't be going down the pink or blue themed road. I do feel it would be nice to wait on that basis.

Hadn't really considered the possibility of being too knackered/overwhelmed to take it in post birth though, so that's something to mull over.

OP posts:

Batteriesallgone · 11/12/2018 20:29

I think Midwives tend to tell every birthing woman they’ve made the right choice and come up with a ‘reason’ as to why it is. And rightly so tbh, keep everything positive. Classic tactic.

newplacenofriends · 11/12/2018 20:29

cons- they can get it wrong!

pros- more clothes choice if you find out

agnurse · 11/12/2018 20:32

If I ever become pregnant I'm not fussed one way or the other. The biggest drawback I can see is that sometimes it can be hard to determine the sex if the baby is a girl. (Not as obvious.)

The big advantage to NOT finding out (as I see it) is that if you don't know, people are more apt to just buy unisex clothing, at least for the start. Even if you do like "gendered" clothing, if you plan on having more than one child, unisex clothing can be handy. Babies usually outgrow things before they wear them out, especially when they're very young, so you can get a lot more use out of unisex clothing. When my brother was born, our parents already had 2 girls. Dad was a student, so money was tight. (Mom and Dad had 6 kids and didn't find out the sex with any of them.) Bro1 wore blue sleepers and boy clothes when Mum took us out, but he often wore pink and purple sleepers at home because that's what they had, from when Sis and I were babies.

chickywoo · 11/12/2018 20:34

I didn’t find out with any of my 4 - my argument for not finding out is that it didn’t matter either way and to me there is no reason at all that anyone would need to know if it is boy or girl.

toomanyeastereggsurghh · 11/12/2018 20:36

I found knowing really helped me bond with the baby and get ready for it. Also helped with deciding on names.

It takes me a while to process things and I like to be prepared. Tbh I’m not a fan of surprises anyway but having a new baby was enough of a surprise on the day.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 11/12/2018 20:37

OP the various HCPs in my labour room knew we didn't know so were all waiting to find out then told us a few times it was a girl.

Runningishard · 11/12/2018 20:38

After a long labour, emergency c section, and doctors fishing out the broken up placenta, the last thing I’d have been was excited to know the sex.

RealJudas · 11/12/2018 20:39

Do whatever you want to do, meeting your baby is brilliant whether you know what you're expecting or not.

For us, finding out was the right thing to do and going to the hospital each time was exciting as we were going to meet XXX. But it's a personal choice.

pinkpanther84 · 11/12/2018 20:40

I found out both times, for me giving birth and meeting my baby was enough of a surprise! Especially with my first I would have been too exhausted after the birth to even care what sex of the baby was! It gave me something exiting to look forward to at the 20 week scan too

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 11/12/2018 20:42

I waited till all 4 of mine were born before finding out.

If you tell people beforehand you've got no announcement to make after the birth, bit of a damp squib really.

LegoMonkeys · 11/12/2018 20:49

If you tell people beforehand you've got no announcement to make after the birth, bit of a damp squib really.

I don't really care about making an announcement, I was quite pleased to have a lovely healthy baby to take home. Hardly a damp squib

TurquoiseWeekend · 11/12/2018 20:52

I'm 29 weeks tomorrow and we haven't found out. No real reason other than that's just what we decided. It's exciting to be having a baby either way, this is our first so I wouldn't know if I'd be more/less excited if we had found out.
The only thing I don't get is when people say that you can plan and be organised if you find out. I don't understand how knowing the sex helps you plan more. I've never been an organised person in my life, but I'm so so organised with all the stuff for this baby, whatever type it is!

AhhhhThatsBass · 11/12/2018 20:58

I didn’t find out. The surprise was wonderful even if the wait was torture. That said, I was desperate for a girl and if I’d found out in advance that it was a boy I worried that I might have been disappointed at 20 weeks. But I knew I wouldn’t have been disappointed either way when the baby was born as I’d have a gorgeous baby in my arms.
I have other friends with the totally opposite thought process whereby they were keen for one sex over the other and finding out at 20 weeks was a way to come to terms with it not being the “desired” sex.

mouthkisses · 11/12/2018 21:04

If you decide to find out at 20 weeks, you don't need to tell anyone else!

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