About mother spoiling toddler classes

[backrolls]

More of a wwyd but I'm completely prepared to be told IABU! Sorry for the essay:

I live in quite a quiet area where lots of toddler groups and classes are run by volunteers throughout the week, and they are really lovely. There's a real mix too such as craft, music and even cooking and they are a great place for lonely mums to meet other people and get out of the house.

My young DS particularly likes a baby gym class that runs early on a Monday, which has circle time, songs, free play and a snack. The groups are really friendly and not cliquey in the slightest, so you are guaranteed a friendly welcome if you are having one of those days - everyone's stance is they have all been there!

Anyhow, there's a Mum who comes along to this group who is, quite frankly, awful to her DC who is no older than 2. She starts off ok but when the child doesn't want to join in, she shouts at them and saying they are 'naughty' and 'so irritating'. She usually spends the classes shouting at the DC, or playing on her phone during the free play which is supposed to be supervised by parents. She isn't physical, but very vocal. I've given her the benefit of the doubt and tried to show some kindness, bringing her a cup of tea and offering to help her DC navigate the play gym, and the staff have always been considerate. It's gotten to the point where the classes are so toxic in her presence people have stopped going along. When challenged she is awful, I guess people are a bit scared of her but have tried to intervene for her DC's sake and some have also tried to befriend the Mum.

Thing is, this Mum goes to every class going. She's recently signed up to a paid mini art and drama class my close friend runs and every week this mother is creating chaos where her DC just doesn't want to join in and is being physically forced to. My friend is very shy, and buying this franchise was a huge deal for her but this Mum is scaring off all her customers. It's block booking and this Mum has paid for the whole term up front, so is just as entitled to be there. My friend tried to gently suggest that if her child wasn't enjoying the classes she would be happy to give a refund, but the response was so aggressive it made her very anxious.

Am IBU where I think it's not fair that this Mum gets to ruin classes for other children and their parents? The free ones may be the only way she can get out of the house and I get it that she has every right to be there. Surely the same can't be said for paid classes though. WWYD and any advice for my friend?

The thing is though op. You're going on about it not being clique and being made to feel welcome. However you're seem rather clique and exclusive toward her. Saying things such as "She goes to every group" as though she needs your permission because she's not Mrs Tumble.

You sound like you are the clique.
It’s a bit silly to claim one mother is ruining it for everyone maybe they should just focus on their own child and enjoy the class rather than monitoring this other women.
As for your friend she’s running a business, unfortunately she will need to become thick skinned and learn to deal with difficult and rude people.

If you think baby groups aren’t cliquey, you’re in the clique.

Is she poor? How awful.

I agree you are being cliquey. Try being more welcoming to her and you may find she improves.

But this difficult person is spreading a malaise over every group, such that one person may go out of business! She can toughen up all she likes, but there's nothing she can do about cancelled bookings.
I think it's a horrible situation that you can do nothing about. Go, enjoy the classes as much as you can and remember that in a few years this will be a memory as your child will be in school.

OP this mum is clearly struggling. I tend to be horrid to my kids on the days I feel worst about life and am finding everything hard.

She can go wherever she likes - these aren't get togethers for friends are they?

Groups like this are really, really important for a child like this - you can be the different for a child whose mum is finding it hard. They can get experiences/ meet people and have a nice time -

The mum is a good mum by the way if she is getting out of the house .

I think you need to be a bit buddhist about this - see it as a way to be a nicer person by being more tolerant.

Sounds like she’s having a tough time, and she’s doing her best to get her toddler out and about.

I think I would just go about my usual routine, smile, say hi and chat as normal.

Your friend’s business is her own issue. Clients some in all shapes and sizes, that’s par for the course.

You friend needs to get a back bone and support the parent, some people are crap parents for whatever reasons ( here isn’t the place for reason) but you need to develop strategies to deal with it so it doesn’t effect you. It’s your problem really so either stop going or learn to get on with it

These groups should have a behaviour code, and repeated violations should result in being asked to leave. Clear and fair for everyone. Have you asked if I here is one?

Maybe she has been told to take her child to classes by doctors/ sw's.

Challenged you say. Can you give an example on how someone challenges her and what she's like in return?

If she really is that bad and is actually scaring off other customers, your friend could ask her to leave. If it really is a case of going out of business because of one woman, she could send her a refund and ask her not to come back.

However, does she actually know this is the reason or is it just that you don't like this woman and are assuming thats why people aren't attending? I personally wouldn't stop attending a class I enjoyed just because one other parent was a bit annoying.

Your friend who bought the franchise needs to toughen up and either help the mother more with the class so she isn't scaring people away, or actually TELL HER to leave.

You do sound like the clique though too.

Tbh while it’s not ideal if the fact she has referred to her child as naughty and irritating is the worst thing you can say it’s a bit of an overreaction to say she’s ruining groups for everyone!
What things have people been challenging her about?

Thanks for the replies, it's a shame the focus is on 'clique' rather than this mum's treatment of her DC though.

As an update, different people tend to go to these classes each week, it's not the same group of mums.

I hardly think greeting her every week, making her a cup of tea and playing with her DC as well as my own son whilst she plays on her phone and ignores at any attempt to chat to her makes me cliquey. We're the only two 'regulars' so I've always made an effort, I've invited her for coffee with me after the session which was also ignored. I'm often on my own during the week which is why I try and go to these groups. Most of the mums who go along are quite shy and in the same boat. It's hard making friends as adults!

My issue is that it's not a nice atmosphere when she's screeching at her two year old to 'sit down and shut up' at circle time, and forcing them to paint at my friend's classes. It scares other children, and her poor DC always looks so unhappy.

Friends should ask her to leave and refund in full if mother is that bad

This is why I stay away from toddler groups!

Your friend needs to grow a backbone.

Tbh 50% of the parents at the toddler classes I went to were basically forcing their kids to do activities they had no interest in. If you make parents pay up front you will get that.
I always preferred to cut my losses and leave if dc didn’t like it. I figured the money was a sunk cost and I wasn’t getting anything out of making them do something they didn’t like.

If your friend is running a class for toddlers she should have had safeguarding training and she has a duty of care to report the emotional abuse that she is witnessing

You basically started a thread wanting to bitch about this woman whom none of us know and whom by your own admission you've only seen at baby groups.

I've told my DS to shut up before now, when I am at the end of my rope and he's really driving me bananas. I'm not saying that's great parenting, but if you'd seen me do that you'd likely assume I was awful too, without realising that 90% of the time I spend with him is cuddles, affection, laughter.

And I too often go on my phone while he's at playgroup, that's half the reason I go to toddler groups - to get a break! I can play with him at home or in the park, and that's what I spend most of my time with him doing.

As one of the people who run classes like this, it's up to the leader to manage the room. The behaviour of the parents and children. Yes this woman is loud and domineering but its how she is managed that is putting off the other parents.

It's not for the faint hearted! You need to be calm, assertive, diplomatic, complimentary and firm.
Offering a refund outright wasn't enough and this poor mum is probably both embarrassed that her child isn't doing as she expects in groups and also angry that it's been pointed out.

"Oh dear, it seems like xxxxx isn't enjoying our art at the moment, what sort of things does he enjoy doing with you at home? I can get something similar so it's not all new and overwhelming"

"Keep an eye but why not go the activity yourself so that he can see you participating and come to join you when he's ready?"

"Don't worry about him not wanting to join in, you know toddlers, the bigger a deal you make of something the more they will resist!"

"Let him explore the room, he's possibly overwhelmed with the possibilities! Enjoy making and show him"

"If you want to take a break for a term then I'm happy to refund you for now"

One of my favourite phrases when chatting with a parent who's child hasn't read the manual is "its perfectly normal!"
Reassurance goes a long way and can help deescalate a supposed need to discipline when the child's just not in the mood or wants to be an "observer"
"Observers are wonderful, they take everything in and then all of a sudden have all these wonderful ideas and try lots of new things"

Suggest your friend talks to the child when they're "not cooperating" Make them a special helper?

Just a couple of suggestions. :-)

I hardly think greeting her every week, making her a cup of tea and playing with her DC as well as my own son whilst she plays on her phone and ignores at any attempt to chat to her makes me cliquey.

^OP you are getting a hard time here. She sounds like a bit of an idiot.

@backrolls no I don't agree sorry I don't think what PP are saying is right, if she is screaming at her child through out the class how can anyone else enjoy it ? I'd start screaming back at her see how she likes it