to resent 'multi-tier' hosting?

[Incaseofemergencybreakglass]

I'm talking about the situation where someone invites different family groups to their house for various events but has different levels of hospitality depending on who they are. No prizes for guessing which tier we are on!

So at the top tier, you will be invited over the night before and perhaps night after. You get supper, breakfast, evening drinks and stroll about the house in your PJs as though you live there.

Next tier down is perhaps an invite for the full day, arriving early and leaving late.

Then it's those that are invited for lunch as well as dinner.

Then it's us - very specific times, for example arrive 4pm for dinner at 6pm.

It can't be explained by travel distance, other needs, ages of kids or anything like that. Not either down to any poor behaviour on our part, in fact we couldn't have tried harder but to no avail and have given up now. We simply aren't liked/favoured as much as others are, and I accept that now but still find the multi-tier hosting thing very odd and annoying. There are other occasions where we just aren't included at all and that is easier to deal with.

Been very difficult to explain to our kids over the years and, now they are older, they know the truth and simply don't respect/like them as much now.

So AIBU or is who you invite when/where, for how long etc entirely up to the host and you should like it or lump it?

I assume you’ve declined the invitation?

Ive never heard of this!

Is the host a family member?

Isn't that what the Royals do ?

Well in those circumstances I'd be declining that invitation altogether.

If this is your family I hope you have declined the invite and are staying at home.

I can understand guests travelling from a distance staying over night. Otherwise this treatment of guests is just poor manners.

I'd rather have a crisp sandwich at home then make the effort for something like this.

YABU. You can’t expect only people with the space and resources to host every single invitee for multi-day sleepovers to host. It’s normal that someone would want the people they’re closest to to be with them for longer and not want more distant relatives like cousins or great aunts in their home for hours upon hours! Most people don’t have space for loads of people to sleep over.

You sound a bit bitter OP, just don’t go, stop spending time with people who you have such a dim view of.

Decline the invite. Simples

Are all these tiers for the same event/at the same weekend ie you’re only invited to part of it? If so yanbu

I would tell Lord and Lady to sod off.

They’d get a two word reply from me, the second would be ‘off’

YANBU.

If it was my aunt and uncle and the house guests were their children it would be understandable. But then I doubt you would post!

We have that too.
It wasn't too obvious when our DC were small as we just assumed that the very limited invitations were due to hosts not really wanting young children in the house.
However once the Golden Child had their DC, it became very clear that they just aren't that fussed about the rest of their family.

Hosts will say things like "Oh Golden Child works so hard and has such a long drive to visit, it would be tiring to do it in one day." However we have jobs with longer hours and actually live further away, and are still invited for about 5 hours at a time.

I've come up with a couple of plausible explanations in the past, such as the fact that at one point hosts had care of an elderly relative for holidays, but the simple fact is that Golden Child, and by extension their DC, are invited more, and for longer, and get much more attention.

I find it very odd. My DC notice it. My DH (one of the other siblings to Golden Child) is just resigned on the basis it's always been like that his entire life. That I find sad.

Yep, sil does this to us. At her dh's 50th birthday party we were offered a camping pitch on the lawn whilst dh's sibling, nephew and parents were guests of honour for the weekend! We attended but dh drove home and we've never been since!
Previously we slept on a sofa bed in the office when we stayed over and I was asked not to look in the drawers! Should have known then....

I've never really come across this.

I guess I would have one or two people to stay after parties etc, but that would be because of the distance away they lived, or because they are non drivers.

I could also imagine having grown up children or parents staying for the whole weekend, but siblings, aunts & uncles, cousins etc just being invited for the day - that would be due to space, and I think that the pecking order would be obvious - own children, then parents, then siblings, then more distant family etc.

But arbitrarily inviting different groups to different parts of the day seems odd.

Not on. I would decline.

Depends how close you are to the hosts but I'm guessing by the sounds of it the hosts might be either yours or your DPs parents and the guests on tiers are all the children and grand children? If that's the case it's a bit nasty imo. I'd just have a nice Christmas day on your own tbh

Beyond weddings where some people go for just the reception, I have never EVER heard of anyone doing this.

I've never come across this either and I'm curious as to how it works. If you're on the dinner slot, say 4pm to 10pm, how does the host signal that your time is up and you must leave, when everyone else is welcome to stay and carry on? Slip you a note saying "leave now" or stand in the hallway holding your coats? The mind boggles!

I'm not sure I'd have a big problem with this to be honest. I have a lot of cousins. I've been on holiday with some, met for the occasional lunch with others. I think that's OK

Never heard of this either. Don't go!

Agreed zzzzz, really surprised how high the expectations are on this thread for people hosting. It’s like saying if you can’t have all twenty guests to stay and be fed for two days it’s rude to offer that to any. It comes across very grabby.

Yes, it's parents and children/grandchildren so we are all of the same 'status' in theory. We don't get invited much as it is, and unless we refuse all invitations then the few we do attend will still be hosted in this way.

It’s like saying if you can’t have all twenty guests to stay and be fed for two days it’s rude to offer that to any. It comes across very grabby.

Maybe if it was a once off occurrence but from the sounds of the OPs post, it's a regular thing being bottom of the pile, so much so that her kids have noticed (I'm assuming her kids are probably the grand kids of the hosts?)