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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent 'multi-tier' hosting?

100 replies

Incaseofemergencybreakglass · 11/12/2018 12:07

I'm talking about the situation where someone invites different family groups to their house for various events but has different levels of hospitality depending on who they are. No prizes for guessing which tier we are on!

So at the top tier, you will be invited over the night before and perhaps night after. You get supper, breakfast, evening drinks and stroll about the house in your PJs as though you live there.

Next tier down is perhaps an invite for the full day, arriving early and leaving late.

Then it's those that are invited for lunch as well as dinner.

Then it's us - very specific times, for example arrive 4pm for dinner at 6pm.

It can't be explained by travel distance, other needs, ages of kids or anything like that. Not either down to any poor behaviour on our part, in fact we couldn't have tried harder but to no avail and have given up now. We simply aren't liked/favoured as much as others are, and I accept that now but still find the multi-tier hosting thing very odd and annoying. There are other occasions where we just aren't included at all and that is easier to deal with.

Been very difficult to explain to our kids over the years and, now they are older, they know the truth and simply don't respect/like them as much now.

So AIBU or is who you invite when/where, for how long etc entirely up to the host and you should like it or lump it?

OP posts:
bigKiteFlying · 11/12/2018 13:21

If they can only manage your company for a few hours and a meal - make it work for you.

Pick a time of year that works better for you - go for a few hours have a meal and then do something else in the local area.

I think my parents were seeing what would happen when they were made to feel they should leave and didn't comply - and they found out my DGP had no problem completely ignoring us and feeding everyone else.

GU24Mum · 11/12/2018 13:22

Sounds awful - and not the same at all as having, say, grandparents to stay and neighbours to pop in. If you're a "day" family guest then you should be invited on the same terms as the other day guests.
What a pity you aren't free this year.................!

Petitprince · 11/12/2018 13:22

Would they have enough rooms for everyone to stay?

abacucat · 11/12/2018 13:25

OP yes it is awful to treat you all like that.

KateAdiesEarrings · 11/12/2018 13:27

I think I might be guilty of this Blush There are lots of different reasons why I invite family in different stages eg who gets on with who; the ages of the DCs; etc. Our last birthday celebrations were split into different events across two weekends and we did invite different family members to different parts of it depending on what we though they'd enjoy and how they get on with each other. I thought it was pragmatic rather than rude . . .

ID81241 · 11/12/2018 13:27

@Cleo18 oh give it a rest. The OP's expectation for parents to treat their children and grandchildren equally is perfectly reasonable. I've never heard of tiered hosting except for weddings (and tbf I hate the bad mannered distinction between day and evening guests... if you can't afford to feed everyone, then cut your coat to size). Your events sound weird and pretentious with your staged invites.

Only scenarios I think this could be reasonable is if the tiers distinguish immediate family from extended, or family that live far away get priority to stay over. But even then the family close by shouldn't be given allocated slots as if they are arranging a meeting with the passport office. It's just weird and bad hosting.

abacucat · 11/12/2018 13:27

DP is treated like this. "Family" events organised, all his siblings invited except him. DP is a quiet man and does not drink alcohol, so its not as if he is a problem.

BlackrockMum · 11/12/2018 13:29

This happens with my IL's particularly my Sil, but its not done in a negative way at all its just the way their family dynamic evolved over years and years, we are bottom tier so don't get an on the day invite, but some day between xmas and new year day, they will call to see what suits us. This I far prefer meaning we can alternate xmas with my relatives, or just us, and will catch up with them later, when it suits my kids. Tier one ( for want of a better name ) used to work in a top store which gave staff huge discounts on xmas eve so they were collected from work as many bags full of goodies, and stay with sil for a few days, tier two was the only sibling in family that could cook so she was always invited to come early so she'd assist/ cook dinner etc, my dh never wanted anything more than to eat dinner and go to bed after so he only arrived as late as possible for dinner, tier three had young kids which had to be facilitated, so my dh lost his bed for post dinner sleep and became dinner on another day with some other extended family uncles aunts etc, that's when we met. Lots has changed in mean time jobs changed, the one who cooks doesn't any more, some travelling further, but they just stick to their usual routine most years.

One year we hosted and they were very surprised to be invited for dinner at same time. My ds noted one year in a very loud voice that we were never invited for the whole turkey just the bits- his words not mine so now sil cooks a second turkey dinner for us, which I wish she wouldn't as she's an awful cook and its like school dinners everything plated up sitting round congealing and a tone of gravy on top but that's another issue!

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 11/12/2018 13:29

Is that you Meghan Grin?

DanglyBangly · 11/12/2018 13:31

I would regularly have my parents stay over for, say, 2 nights, then have my siblings & families over for lunch on one of the days, is this the kind of scenario you're talking about ? I never realised I was doing something odd !

This kind of thing is fine though - so your parents are staying with you on a visit and the siblings are coming to see them while they're there. So you can all get together.

The OPs scenario seems different, I think it's because they all live the same distance away? So for what reason would you treat some differently than others?

Jent13c · 11/12/2018 13:31

Anyone else an introvert and think this sounds like the dream? Grin

BookwormMe · 11/12/2018 13:32

So what are you going to do about it, OP? Suck it up in silence or ask your inlaws why they don't extend the same invite to you and your children? Assuming it's your DH's family and not yours?

BlackrockMum · 11/12/2018 13:33

also should say aside from the multi tier xmas hosting my mil has never treated her Dc or DGC equally. the girls and their kids always got preferential treatment and the boys don't worry about this at all. I see injustices where my dh doesn't.

IsThereRoomAtTheInn · 11/12/2018 13:35

BlackRock that sounds like it evolved over time and I can see why that happens within a group of siblings.

It's the grandparents role that's not right on OPs scenario to me.

I suppose in our family we moved on to GPs travelling to spend Christmas with one of the kids. That brings up its own issues.

IsThereRoomAtTheInn · 11/12/2018 13:38

X post BlackRock.

Wheresthebeach · 11/12/2018 13:38

We have similar...not with IL's but with siblings. DH's siblings were always closer to each other, than to him but I think its still rude.

Suffered it for a few years, then turned down one invite and were never invited again!

Result all round Grin. Once you get past caring, it really doesn't matter.

ADastardlyThing · 11/12/2018 13:38

Sucks to be tiers 1-3. Personally I'd thank my lucky stars!

PipGoesPop · 11/12/2018 13:39

Bedspace and cost? Are there enough beds for you to stay? It is far more expensive to feed 15 people 3 meals a day than it is 10.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/12/2018 13:43

Never heard of it, as it is your parents, I would be very hurt that they don't value you. Sounds like kids birthdays, where children get invited to the party, but only special friends are invited to sleep over. Very childish. Is it your siblings who are treated more favourably op? That is crap, that you are the bottom of the pile and your kids are starting to notice. I would not go, as it is clear they don't think much of you.

Cakeisbest · 11/12/2018 13:44

They probably don't realise how hurtful you find this, I would be hurt too. But it's tricky to approach the subject. When invited for your time slot, can you say it would suit you much better to come earlier/stay later and see what the answer is? If they come up with a reason why that won't work for them then I think you have to accept that they maybe are just not that into you. In which case, don't go.

Original poster
Incaseofemergencybreakglass · 11/12/2018 13:45

Space and cost aren't an issue. Feel trapped into hanging onto our 'tier 4' status for the sake of the kids really. Would be hard on them if we objected then were uninvited altogether.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 11/12/2018 13:45

It is very peculiar, I cannot imagine my in laws or my mum ever treating us like that, we are welcome whenever we want for whatever time we want, it is an open door for both parents, after all it is your parent's house, not friends. I would bugger them, and do your own thing.

twosoups1972 · 11/12/2018 13:47

I agree it's not very nice.

But I would think twice about declining the invitation if it might lead to a fall out. My mum fell out with all our relatives when I was growing up due to minor disagreements and I grew up not knowing my extended family at all.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/12/2018 13:47

Your kids are already starting to notice the difference, talk to your parents, and explain that you are hurt, they are your parent's after all, not strangers, and if they stand by their decision, don't go. If you are not invited again, more fool to them.

IamSusan · 11/12/2018 13:48

I don't know why posters are giving you such a hard time OP, it's pretty clear the host is being unpleasant. Of course, you can decline, but then it's your own children who lose out and why should they.

There's absolutely nothing you can do when a family member doesn't treat everyone equally, you just have to bear it. What I would you is book a hotel in the area, so stay the night before and after and make a nice weekend away out of it. I would probably even leave my car at the hotel, and get a taxi to pick me up so I can drink.

Or just be the bigger person, spend a lot less on gifts and rejoice that you don't have to put up with these awful people for too long.