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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to resent 'multi-tier' hosting?

100 replies

Incaseofemergencybreakglass · 11/12/2018 12:07

I'm talking about the situation where someone invites different family groups to their house for various events but has different levels of hospitality depending on who they are. No prizes for guessing which tier we are on!

So at the top tier, you will be invited over the night before and perhaps night after. You get supper, breakfast, evening drinks and stroll about the house in your PJs as though you live there.

Next tier down is perhaps an invite for the full day, arriving early and leaving late.

Then it's those that are invited for lunch as well as dinner.

Then it's us - very specific times, for example arrive 4pm for dinner at 6pm.

It can't be explained by travel distance, other needs, ages of kids or anything like that. Not either down to any poor behaviour on our part, in fact we couldn't have tried harder but to no avail and have given up now. We simply aren't liked/favoured as much as others are, and I accept that now but still find the multi-tier hosting thing very odd and annoying. There are other occasions where we just aren't included at all and that is easier to deal with.

Been very difficult to explain to our kids over the years and, now they are older, they know the truth and simply don't respect/like them as much now.

So AIBU or is who you invite when/where, for how long etc entirely up to the host and you should like it or lump it?

OP posts:

BookwormMe · 11/12/2018 13:48

Feel trapped into hanging onto our 'tier 4' status for the sake of the kids really. Would be hard on them if we objected then were uninvited altogether.

You seriously think they would do that??? I feel as though there is a huge back story here. Why do you think you have tier 4 status, OP?

IsThereRoomAtTheInn · 11/12/2018 13:51

I agree with bigkiteFlying above, arrange things so it works for you.

I wouldn't want to lose contact either but I'd want to make the most of a less than idyllic situation.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/12/2018 13:52

Assuming the 'overnighters' live some distance away & I lived close-ish, I'd have no problem with them staying and me/mine not being invited for overnight. But if we all lived equidistant, then I'd find it hurtful. The rest is just plain rude, again unless people lived further away and it was more convenient for them to arrive later/leave earlier.

Honestly, I'd simply decline the invitations. I'd rather skip a gathering than subject myself to hurt feelings and unequal treatment..

bigKiteFlying · 11/12/2018 13:53

Feel trapped into hanging onto our 'tier 4' status for the sake of the kids really. Would be hard on them if we objected then were uninvited altogether.

Hmm if they've already noticed they are being hurt already. Plus, you say not being invited to events is easier to deal with on other occasions. Are you children really bothered by the whole thing?

Have you tried offering alternatives - boxing day, Easter blaming work or weather, saying coming earlier would be easier or asking them why they do this?

M3lon · 11/12/2018 14:04

I think raising this rather than refusing invitations...

You can always blame the kids! Say 'kids have asked why they never get to stay over when their cousins do all the time, what should I tell them?

tenbob · 11/12/2018 14:14

In the nicest possible way, are your DCs rather 'spirited' houseguests..?

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 11/12/2018 14:15

Bloody hell! Obviously it's usual that closer family members or those who have to travel furthest stay over the night but if you're all the same (e.g. siblings) then that's so rude and unkind!

Wheresthebeach · 11/12/2018 14:15

We stopped going because our DD started to notice the different treatment and it started to have an impact on her. They knew full well how they were behaving and raising it didn't change a thing.

DH has remained in contact, and I've done all the polite birthday/Xmas phone calls but there's no point being with people who treat you like second class citizens. Its bad for you.

M4J4 · 11/12/2018 14:17

How does it work when you host these relatives, OP?

abacucat · 11/12/2018 14:22

IME this kind of treatment has nothing to do with how adult DCs or GCs behave. It is to do with golden child, scapegoat status and has a long history stretching back to early childhood.

Original poster

Incaseofemergencybreakglass · 11/12/2018 14:40

When we host, everyone is treated equally. Some very helpful comments on here and food for thought - thank you all.

OP posts:

MysweetAudrina · 11/12/2018 14:45

I have my parents stay over night at Christmas as they travel and my step children pop up after dinner for the evening. My ex comes over around 2pm, stays for dinner and leaves with my eldest ds around midnight.

But the difference is that this is me being accommodating and fitting around everybody elses schedules. This arrangements suits my guests and I would be happy to move it about if it didn't suit any of them.

Your situation is very different and it is obvious that you are receiving different treatment because you are less favored than the others. it must be quite hurtful and yet you are expected to be grateful for the scraps. Time to start your own family traditions where you are the priority.

OneStepSideways · 11/12/2018 14:48

Sounds like they aren't comfortable around you (or your partner/kids) so they want to keep the visit short. I'd talk to them about it. Wouldn't you rather know the reason than speculate? It could be something you haven't even realised.

abacucat · 11/12/2018 14:51

onestep This is their own adult child and GC. Who treats their own adult child like this? And if there really was an issue, why have the parents not tried to address it??

SilkenTofu · 11/12/2018 14:57

Yep, YANBU

I have a "friend" who is always telling me about the really flash dinner parties she holds and the amazing cuisine she cooks. I have hosted her a few times in my own house and she reciprocated. She invited us over for Sunday lunch, made some kind of casserole and proceeded to tell me she didn't have carrots left, so used something else (so didn't go to the shop to stock up before making the lunch clearly) and then for dessert offered us a Kit Kat. Her DH was really embarrassed and I will never invite her again.

I'd like to know what it is about my family that makes us "3rd tier".

Pls don't answer on her behalf

zzzzz · 11/12/2018 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abacucat · 11/12/2018 15:06

I tend to cook meals for people depending on what they like. So my friend who does not seem to really like food but loves chocolate, I make her an easy to make main and a fancy chocolate dessert. My foodie friends who don't like desserts, I make a fancy main meal then cheese and biscuits. No tiers involved.

Screaminginsidemeagain · 11/12/2018 15:06

God this is my Step MIL.
We are the bottom tier and have refused to attend Christmas at our allotted slot this year.
So sick of it.

bigKiteFlying · 11/12/2018 15:12

wouldn't you rather know the reason than speculate? It could be something you haven't even realised.

I found out reason we aren't invited or often told about things - my parents assuming we'll need lifts from them. It was even the actual reason I was told to stay away from DGP funeral - not the one I was told.

It's apparently based in three months as a teenager where the job I got finished hours past the public transport to our location stopped and they offered a lift. They never said anything at time but apparently despite 20 years of getting myself around country often with children without asking anyone for lifts does not negate this.

They don't make it easy to visit them - so we go less often than I like but still under our own stream.

abacucat · 11/12/2018 15:19

wouldn't you rather know the reason than speculate? It could be something you haven't even realised

My inlaws denied they treated my DP differently. My DP basically says it is because of hos disability which makes him look less attractive than his siblings.

BanginChoons · 11/12/2018 15:25

Her DH was really embarrassed and I will never invite her again.

Why didn't he plan the meal and purchase ingredients then? Assuming he lives with her.

abacucat · 11/12/2018 15:36

Yes exactly. Totally down to her to host then?

zzzzz · 11/12/2018 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BookwormMe · 11/12/2018 17:01

Then for dessert offered us a Kit Kat. Her DH was really embarrassed and I will never invite her again.

Blimey, you're high maintenance. I once forgot to get dessert for a dinner party and my guests all had Star Wars themed ice pops instead. They're still my friends, because they wouldn't judge me and cut me off for something so ridiculous.

SilkenTofu · 11/12/2018 17:49

different levels of hospitality depending on who they are

Talk about missing the whole point of the thread. My friend constantly bangs on about her hosting to Stepford wife levels. I reckon she spends hundreds on a diner party even before she buys the booze. So my surprise at the Kit Kat is not because I am too special to eat one but because it made me realise that she views my family as people who decent food would be wasted on. I am on her bottom tier.

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