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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent 'multi-tier' hosting?

100 replies

Incaseofemergencybreakglass · 11/12/2018 12:07

I'm talking about the situation where someone invites different family groups to their house for various events but has different levels of hospitality depending on who they are. No prizes for guessing which tier we are on!

So at the top tier, you will be invited over the night before and perhaps night after. You get supper, breakfast, evening drinks and stroll about the house in your PJs as though you live there.

Next tier down is perhaps an invite for the full day, arriving early and leaving late.

Then it's those that are invited for lunch as well as dinner.

Then it's us - very specific times, for example arrive 4pm for dinner at 6pm.

It can't be explained by travel distance, other needs, ages of kids or anything like that. Not either down to any poor behaviour on our part, in fact we couldn't have tried harder but to no avail and have given up now. We simply aren't liked/favoured as much as others are, and I accept that now but still find the multi-tier hosting thing very odd and annoying. There are other occasions where we just aren't included at all and that is easier to deal with.

Been very difficult to explain to our kids over the years and, now they are older, they know the truth and simply don't respect/like them as much now.

So AIBU or is who you invite when/where, for how long etc entirely up to the host and you should like it or lump it?

OP posts:
Dahlietta · 11/12/2018 12:47

Pliny the Younger, I think, wrote a letter complaining about this sort of thing in the 1st Century. If I remember rightly, the hosts in question were giving better food to the more important guests at a dinner party. YANBU. However, I feel the same about evening only wedding invites!

Cleo18 · 11/12/2018 12:49

How ridiculous! I'm having friends to stay - and others have been invited to join us all for lunch - and my neighbour who knows them both has been invited to pop in for evening drinks. Suits everyone.

I can't have nine people staying overnight in my tiny house!! And no-one would want that. So I shouldn't invite anyone at all.???

Do you, OP , see a difference between that and inviting one friend for dinner on Friday and another different friend for lunch on Tuesday? Just the same surely?

VietnameseCrispyFish · 11/12/2018 12:50

I think if that’s the case Trinity66 OP needs to focus more on telling them she feels second best and like she’s not liked or respected as much as others, rather than on the hosting issue, as that’s more of a symptom than the problem.

But in reality I think all OP can or should do is decline. If the hosts don’t much like her then there’s nothing she can do to change that, and discussing it isn’t gonna suddenly make them favour her.

rachelfrost · 11/12/2018 12:51

We have some people stay for a few
days and invite others over for a meal or one day that we can all catch up. We don’t have enough space to have everyone spend days and it’s not everyone I’d be comfortable spending time in my pyjamas with. I thought this was normal so long as it’s not one siblings homecoming excluding another sibling. [santa]

WinterfellWench · 11/12/2018 12:52

Never heard of it!

Wouldn't like it tbh. Then again, although I like to go to the pub, and meet people for coffee, and go for lunch with a couple of times a month; I am not keen on people coming to my house. I actually really dislike it and it makes me very anxious. Wouldn't be for me sorry.

YANBU to hate it.

Why are you joining in/doing it??? Confused

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 11/12/2018 12:52

I've sort of never heard of this. But then I thought about my hopes for this xmas, and I wonder if actually I'm doing it myself? My mum and sister are invited for the day, they can show up as early as they're ready and stay over before/after if they want. My grandma is invited for lunch and a bit of time afterwards, but tbh I find her very hard work and I just don't want her there all day - I know my mother doesn't either. My sister's partner is cordially invited BUT I am really hoping he wants to go to his parents' instead because I don't really want him there either - I hope I'd hide that beautifully though if he does come over.

I don't have a large enough extended family with large enough homes for this to happen to me properly, I think. If it's preferential treatment for some adult siblings over others (golden child dynamic) then obviously it's shitty. Otoh depending on how all the elements of ages / proximity / relationships fit together, I guess there are situations where it makes sense.

Trinity66 · 11/12/2018 12:53

VietnameseCrispyFish Must be hard seeing your kids feel like less important to their grandparents than the other grand children though but yeah I agree with your last post.

*The OP did confirm that it is the GPs house and that the guests are all the kids and grand kids

Cleo18 · 11/12/2018 12:54

And tbh you are not coming over as the sort of guest that I'd feel comfortable hosting. I'd worry that you would not think the food, or the beds, or the "entertainment" good enough or that you would feel slighted, (and make that known), if I had to attend to the dinner and abandonned you in the living room mid-conversation.

Do you host all of those people yourself? Are you a generous and easy host? Why not invite all those "tiers" of people to your home, feed them, sleep them, buy all the booze, entertain the children. Then your own kids would feel really special and learn about how to host, (as you obviously feel they have learned how NOT to do it!)

OakElmAsh · 11/12/2018 12:55

I would regularly have my parents stay over for, say, 2 nights, then have my siblings & families over for lunch on one of the days, is this the kind of scenario you're talking about ? I never realised I was doing something odd !

ApolloandDaphne · 11/12/2018 12:57

Gosh that is awful. It is come one, come all here at Christmas even if we are squeezing people in and some have to sleep on the floor (sorry DD2!).

zzzzz · 11/12/2018 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

halfwitpicker · 11/12/2018 12:59

Hilarious.

We're in the 'arrive at 3pm, leave at 4pm please' tier, aka the plebs. Fridge scrapings and everything, begging for a measly glass of water at the sink like a rug rat.

AdamNichol · 11/12/2018 12:59

Previously we slept on a sofa bed in the office when we stayed over and I was asked not to look in the drawers! Should have known then....
What was in the drawers?

Trinity66 · 11/12/2018 13:00

I would regularly have my parents stay over for, say, 2 nights, then have my siblings & families over for lunch on one of the days, is this the kind of scenario you're talking about ? I never realised I was doing something odd !

That's not the same thing as a parent treating their children and GC differently though

halfwitpicker · 11/12/2018 13:01

It's like being at court. That's it. Like being at court.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 11/12/2018 13:03

Bookworm - that made me laugh, I've got this image of the in laws in the hallway searching through all the coat's for OPs and her family Grin.

This is all very odd, I'm also curious as to how it works, when your allotted slot is up. Or do just know and it's up to you to slip away unobtrusively, or make some excuse.

I wouldn't bother going to be honest.

kenandbarbie · 11/12/2018 13:04

Did you decline? I would!!

Tinkety · 11/12/2018 13:04

I don’t issue multi-tier invitations to the same event but I will do it in isolation depending on the guest.

For example, my sisters are welcome to stay as long as they like because they treat my home like their own & have no problem putting the kettle on themselves, making snacks / meals or just generally pitching in. They pretty much take care of their own needs so having them over is really no “work” so they get invitations to come spend the weekend with no arrival or departure times quite often.

I have other family members though who are exhausting to host & like to be treated like royalty (& nothing is ever good enough) so they generally get shorter or more defined invitations like dinner at 6pm.

I also do reciprocal invitations so if you invite me for the weekend, I’ll then do the same. If you never host me though (like my partner’s sister) then you’ll only get a lunch invitation for a couple of hours or a dinner invitation along with the rest of the family rather than an individual one.

I also have no children (so probably have less tolerance) & some family children are better behaved than others & some parents are better at dealing with bad behavior so length & frequency of invitations also depend on that. For example, one child will be destroying my house & their parents will sit on their bums & do nothing so I’m running around after them the whole time so they don’t get invited as often.

Whatjusthappenedthere · 11/12/2018 13:04

I’ve had this done to our family in the past. Arrived at specified time, everyone one else clearly been invited much earlier, kids already bonded and playing. It feels worse than rejection.

SleepySofa · 11/12/2018 13:10

I think I'd have a problem with this if a sibling who lived round the corner got to stay for the weekend, and I (who lived 3 hours drive away with 2 small children) am expected to come for lunch only. But it really does depend on the family relationships.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 11/12/2018 13:12

Why don't you put the ball in their court and ask them why they do it?

bigKiteFlying · 11/12/2018 13:13

Nveer quite so orgnaised in my family - but when Uncles and favored GC arrived - we had it both set of DGP - we were often expected to leave or weren't wanted around as long.

I do remember a mealtime when my DP ignored all the leave hints and we ended up watching everyone else eat - it was uncomfortable for everyone and felt really odd.

We still saw DGP and -played with Cousins - but it didn't make for great family relationships long term.

OP - I'd be busy - go a less stressful time of year.

OkMaybeNot · 11/12/2018 13:15

I do this. To guests who are hard work. But not on the same day as other guests.

I don't feel bad at all. They don't feel bad for demanding cups of tea and 'sofa service' (snacks and drinks brought to them, all that's missing is them clicking their fingers at me), then looking through my fridge when they're leaving to see if there's anything leftover from the dinner I slogged over that they can take home with them and generally being rude! But I'm guessing you don't do that Grin

Original poster
Incaseofemergencybreakglass · 11/12/2018 13:15

Well I'd love to tell you that a bell tolls, solemn glances are exchanged and the butler fetches the coats as our cue to leave but... it's just a case of we've had the allocated meal, made conversation, helped clear up and they just look like they're waiting for us to go. Also, the favoured guests will go off to their own rooms or go on phones.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 11/12/2018 13:17

YANBU. The only person I knew who did this was my boss's wife in a previous job. She thought she was wonderful, inviting all the staff around between 3 and 5pm on Christmas day, then kicking us out before her 'real' guests arrived. She was a condescending cow who couldn't understand why we didn't fall over ourselves to be patronised, thinking we should be honoured to be allowed into the boss's home, on a day we would rather spend with our families, not looking at her cat's bum face. But do it to family, that is appalling!

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