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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that inlaws have told everyone about my recent miscarriage?

87 replies

Namechangeforabit · 09/12/2018 19:53

My inlaws were present on Wednesday night when I began bleeding heavily and they had to take me to hospital, where I sadly miscarried (10 weeks - I had not announced the pregnancy). They kindly looked after my son while I was in hospital overnight.
However, I have since found out that they have told the news to my sister in law, both sets of their parents (who have told other people), a friend who is also friends with my parents (before they knew whether I had told my parents) and the inlaws of my husband's bestfriend. Essentially making this impossible for us to keep private from anyone in our network.

I was extremely hurt to hear details of one of the most personal, painful events in my life has been shared without my consent and has fast become public knowledge. I reacted in anger to my inlaws and stated the above to them directly, before removing myself from family WhatsApp groups.

My inlaws think I am being unreasonable and say they were just seeking support as they find it helps to be open and honest, they have said it does not help to blame anyone.

Am I being unreasonable to be angry and hurt with them and to think this was my news to share?

OP posts:
constantlywingingit · 09/12/2018 19:56

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

I'd be really hurt by that. As you say, it isn't their news to share. They were being tremendously unreasonable.

WoWsers16 · 09/12/2018 19:57

I would also be really mad- id understand maybe 1 other person- but the amount of people - it seems more like gossip to them than actual sympathy :(
Really sorry to hear about your loss xxx

crispysausagerolls · 09/12/2018 19:58

YANBU - how dare they!

Mumofaprinny · 09/12/2018 20:02

Hurt wouldn’t really be a word I would use to describe it, if it was me. More like absolutely Fuming!. What good did they think they were doing telling everyone? Sounds like they wanted sympathy from people at your expense. I would be going very low contact after what’s they’ve done to you, especially when they can’t see the problem in telling people!😕

Lana1234 · 09/12/2018 20:03

I’m so sorry for you’re loss and you are not being unreasonable. They have been incredibly insensitive.

fruitandbarley · 09/12/2018 20:03

YANBU, but if they are usually kind and caring people give yourself a couple of weeks and see how you feel about it then. I've had two miscarriages and I know after both of them I didn't think or act straight for a good while.

Justanothernameonthepage · 09/12/2018 20:03

I'm sorry for your loss. YANBU. It doesn't sound as though they considered your feelings in any way.
Ideally they'd have apologised, contacted those they'd talked to and owned up to those they'd talked to that it wasn't meant to be public knowledge. They know you're grieving and should be supporting you and DH, even if it means no gossip for a while.
Keep distance and grieve until you're ready to be polite to them again.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 09/12/2018 20:07

YANBU my mum did something similar-ish (not quite as bad). It meant that when I got pregnant again I didn’t tell anyone (except DH) until after the 12 week scan. I know that people often need support themselves in these circumstances, but I don’t want people knowing all my business.

Wouldyoubelieeeeeeveit · 09/12/2018 20:07

You're not being unreasonable. I hope your other half is supporting you. Sorry for your loss.

Perch · 09/12/2018 20:08

You are absolutely NBU, and I am so sorry for your loss.

I had similar, was pg and told my mum and PIL with the proviso that they don’t tell anyone as we’ve had miscarriages before, IL’s of course told the world, and then I had a miscarriage. I have well and truly learn my lesson with them. Best advice I can give you is distance yourself totally from them, give yourself time to heal and let your husband deal with his family. It’s awful x

SnuggyBuggy · 09/12/2018 20:09

I'm sorry OP, it's crappy behaviour

UpstartCrow · 09/12/2018 20:10

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

Yanbu, they are being defensive when any decent person would apologise. At least you now know what they are like and that you can't trust them with anything confidential.

sparklesaremyfavourite · 09/12/2018 20:10

Goodness OP I'm so sorry for your loss. Flowers

YANBU at all. If they supposedly needed a bit of support they could've leaned on one another or at worst one friend who they asked to keep it quiet.

Honestly it's ridiculous the extended network of people they told and you are quite within your rights to want space and time and to decide between you and the lost baby's father what/when to tell others.

It's not the same but I found out about my granddad's death on Facebook when some idiot second cousin decided to tell the entire world when close family weren't even yet told.

It's a violation of your privacy. Some people just need to be the "ones with a story". It's sucks.

But I'm glad you told them how you felt. Don't let them grind you down on this. They should know better.

Please do take private time for yourself if you can anyway.

More flowers for you. Flowers

greendale17 · 09/12/2018 20:11

YANBU- their behaviour is shocking. I wouldn’t want anything more to do with them after that.

StarJazmin · 09/12/2018 20:12

So sorry for your loss OP Flowers

‘They were just seeking support’ is bollocks, they had each other for support. Where is their support for you and your need for privacy.

If it helps (I know it won’t really), I have twice been told about people I know having miscarriages when I felt the person telling me had no business to do so, and I felt very uncomfortable knowing. I never mentioned to the women that I know and thought less of the person telling me.

Absofrigginlootly · 09/12/2018 20:14

Shock no you are definitely not being unreasonable!! I felt upset just reading your op I can’t imagine how you’re feeling! I’m so sorry for your loss and if like me, you’re a private person, the thought of everyone knowing would add a whole extra layer of distress to my grief.

I’ve had many MCs and never told a soul (obviously DH knew and my 2 closest friends were told since) but no family. My DM would tell everyone as well for the sympathy (for herself not me!) and revel in the drama of it all. I’m NC with toxic PILs.

I would find that hard to get past without a sincere heartfelt apology - they’ve basically shared confidential medical information without your consent!

Original poster
Namechangeforabit · 09/12/2018 20:22

Thank you for your posts - I was beginning to doubt myself. They are usually nice people, which makes it all the more hurtful. I cannot understand why they can't see why I am hurt and angry. They just respond basically saying that at least this way lots of people are praying for me and my husband - which we didn't ask for.
My husband initially didn't understand why I was angry either and told them it was "fine", but he has since realised why I'm hurt. Unfortunately it now looks like I've coerced him into siding with me, when in reality he just thought about it a bit more and changed his mind.

I just can't see the way forward as I will find it hard to trust them again, as nothing is more personal than this.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 09/12/2018 20:28

Do they have form for making things all about them?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 09/12/2018 20:32

Im so sorry for your loss OP, of course YANBU.

I understand they were upset, but it wasn't their news to share Flowers

DwayneDibbly · 09/12/2018 20:32

I would be upset about this. I've had three miscarriages and I've always been relatively open about it, but that was for me to decide to do so, not anybody else. It might help them to discuss their feelings but the only feelings they should've taken into consideration were yours. I would tell them that you understand that's their way of dealing with things, but it's not yours, and they should've been more circumspect at least in the short-term.

Absofrigginlootly · 09/12/2018 20:33

Send them a link to this thread to show them how many people think they have behaved appallingly selfishly!!

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/12/2018 20:34

It was their grandchild, surely they're allowed to grieve the loss too? Maybe this is their way of coping, did you ask them not to tell anyone?

pastabest · 09/12/2018 20:34

The exact same thing happened to me 3 years ago and I'm still really angry about it now but partly because I wish I had said something at the time about how it wasn't MILs news to share - she told all of DPs siblings because 'they had a right to know' Hmm and he's not even close to most of them (there are lots).

I didn't want to fall out with her but it was just so insensitive and unnecessary and all about her needs.

MsAwesomeDragon · 09/12/2018 20:36

I'm sorry for your lossFlowers. It's completely shit, and made worse when people don't respect your privacy about it.

Similar happened to me when I miscarried 6 years ago. I obviously needed to tell my boss why I wouldn't be at work, and was ok with my department knowing about it, but when I went back to work it became clear that all the staff knew even those I barely knew. Everyone was very nice, but I couldn't even really handle those nice, caring conversations. It made a difficult time so much worse.

I don't know what to advise though. It's done, it's no longer private, and you just need to get through it, as difficult as that is. Concentrate on looking after yourself and your family, don't waste your energy thinking about this, although I know that's easier said than done. Flowers

SnuggyBuggy · 09/12/2018 20:38

If they needed to seek support for their grief (not unreasonable) they could have found a discreet friend at church to talk to and pray with. No need to gossip to mutual friends and family. Very inappropriate.