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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that inlaws have told everyone about my recent miscarriage?

87 replies

Namechangeforabit · 09/12/2018 19:53

My inlaws were present on Wednesday night when I began bleeding heavily and they had to take me to hospital, where I sadly miscarried (10 weeks - I had not announced the pregnancy). They kindly looked after my son while I was in hospital overnight.
However, I have since found out that they have told the news to my sister in law, both sets of their parents (who have told other people), a friend who is also friends with my parents (before they knew whether I had told my parents) and the inlaws of my husband's bestfriend. Essentially making this impossible for us to keep private from anyone in our network.

I was extremely hurt to hear details of one of the most personal, painful events in my life has been shared without my consent and has fast become public knowledge. I reacted in anger to my inlaws and stated the above to them directly, before removing myself from family WhatsApp groups.

My inlaws think I am being unreasonable and say they were just seeking support as they find it helps to be open and honest, they have said it does not help to blame anyone.

Am I being unreasonable to be angry and hurt with them and to think this was my news to share?

OP posts:
VeggyGravy · 09/12/2018 20:41

It was their grandchild, surely they're allowed to grieve the loss too? Maybe this is their way of coping, did you ask them not to tell anyone?

"Their grandchild" that they didn't even know about until that second. So, no, they aren't grieving the miscarriage. And even if they were they don't get to tell people about something that is not their business to tell. God, can't women be people too, or are they just vessels to some people?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/12/2018 20:42

It wasn’t for them to share it. I’d be pissed off at the indiscretion and more so at their disregarding your feelings over it.

Idlikeabunchofbananasplease · 09/12/2018 20:42

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss Flowers

VeggyGravy · 09/12/2018 20:43

Also, you don't have to tell people to not announce your miscarriage, when you haven't told anyone you were pregnant in the first place. That's precisely why people wait until they are safer in the pregnancy before announcing pregnancies in the first place.

For the record though, if you haven't expressly asked permission about sharing someone's intimate medical information you don't do it. Ever.

RibbonAurora · 09/12/2018 20:44

I'm sorry for your loss, OP, but I think you are overreacting a bit. It's their loss too, no, not as profoundly personal as yours but still. They were there when it happened and in the immediate aftermath so they may have felt the need to share with others and unless you specifically asked them not to tell others about it then they weren't being unreasonable or deliberately insensitive to do so.

TheDHand · 09/12/2018 20:45

I have had this happen (both the MC and the blabbing) and it is just ghastly.

Sadly some people need to have news to tell and to be the centre of attention, or to make someone else’s sadness into their personal tragedy. I am sure that they are disappointed, but they really do not need to draw on the support of their entire family about your MC. That’s just a poor excuse when they got caught out. As for the “better to be open and honest” stuff - not their fucking decision to make about your life. They should just have apologised and shut up.

Look after yourself OP Flowers

VeggyGravy · 09/12/2018 20:47

They were there when it happened and in the immediate aftermath so they may have felt the need to share with others and unless you specifically asked them not to tell others about it then they weren't being unreasonable or deliberately insensitive to do so.

Hmm

Most women who don't tell people about an early pregnancy do so because they don't want to discuss their miscarriage with people.

The pregnancy was not announced they knew it wasn't for discussion. Think about it.

Cheesycheesytwist · 09/12/2018 20:48

YANBU, they weren't seeking support they were gossiping, and to be defensive and dress it up as "being open" is nonsense. I would never share anything with them again and would go low contact

Absofrigginlootly · 09/12/2018 20:50

It's their loss too, no, not as profoundly personal as yours but still. They were there when it happened and in the immediate aftermath so they may have felt the need to share with others and unless you specifically asked them not to tell others about it then they weren't being unreasonable or deliberately insensitive to do so.

I just couldn’t imagine being that self absorbed.

Maelstrop · 09/12/2018 20:51

They have been very unreasonable and should not have told anyone else this. Very indiscreet and making it all an about them, which it was not. They have been stupid and I would not trust them again. To tell one person, maybe OK, but it sounds like they've told a massive amount of people, exactly what my 'd'm does, hence she gets told nothing.

Justanothernameonthepage · 09/12/2018 20:52

The more I think about the 'open and honest' the more annoyed I am that they made you feel bad for being open and honest with how they made you feel for invading your privacy. Please take care of yourself x

RiverTam · 09/12/2018 20:54

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.

That is awful. I would make it crystal clear to them that as and when you are PG again they will be the last to know.

Ribbon having miscarried more times than I care to mention, that is bullshit, and the OP is absolutely not overreacting.

VeggyGravy · 09/12/2018 20:55

Can someone explain why an unannounced pregnancy can be announced by family because the mother suffered a miscarriage? It's really quite offensive to say that losing the pregnancy means the mother now loses all privacy over her body.

Bluetrews25 · 09/12/2018 20:56

Sorry for what you are going through - information betrayal on top of personal loss. They have added insult to injury.
Dreadful behaviour, for which there are no excuses at all.
Anything to tell in future, tell them last, after the next door neighbour and the bin men.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/12/2018 20:56

Because pregnant women are just grandchild producing vessels to some people

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 09/12/2018 21:00

YANBU OP. My friend went mad when her own mum told everyone about her miscarriages. She didn’t want anyone to know.

You’re not over-reacting, this was your loss not theirs Flowers

ShellieEllie · 09/12/2018 21:03

Sorry to hear of your loss, big hugs.

YADNBU, they have been incredibly insensitive, it most definitely was not their place to tell anyone.

RibbonAurora · 09/12/2018 21:05

VeggyGravy I have thought about it, and this isn't the usual circumstance of a mc is it? Come on now, how often are the prospective grandparents on the spot when it's happening, having to rush their DD or DDIL to the hospital? I'm giving them a bit of a pass in this instance because I think they initially shared the news still in a state of grief and shock themselves not out of a malicious desire to hurt the OP as some here would have it. Of course OP has the deeper grief and more personal loss, as I said before, but it doesn't mean other closely related people aren't affected.

Twickerhun · 09/12/2018 21:06

Sorry for your loss and no you are not being unreasonable at all. X

zzzzz · 09/12/2018 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2018 21:09

but it doesn't mean other closely related people aren't affected.

And they had each other to lean on.

It wasn't their news to share, either the pregnancy or sadly the loss.

I'd have been devastated if I'd been the grandparent. And that wouldn't have given me permission to tell the world and his dog.

So sorry OP.

VeggyGravy · 09/12/2018 21:10

It was a very specifically unannounced medical condition.

It could have been anything else and they still might have been upset but no one would be making excuses for them.

If the OP's husband had some personal private condition that needed the parents taking him to the hospital they would have been rightfully very upset. No one, however would be saying they were allowed to discuss his health to randoms.

VeggyGravy · 09/12/2018 21:11

but it doesn't mean other closely related people aren't affected.

If the OP was able to handle it on her own with her husband, they certainly were able to.

GenericHamster · 09/12/2018 21:13

I would want them to apologise properly (not half-heartedly) before moving on at all.

tillytrotter1 · 09/12/2018 21:15

they were just seeking support

Why did they need 'support', why are people obsessed with 'support'? At one time people lived their lives in private and were probably the better for it rather than feeling the need to 'share' with every Tom, Dick and Harry.

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